Dating Thread: "Pain, disorder, occasional clarity"

[BigFatCoward]

Move a lot would be my suggestion. I've had 3 serious relationships, girl opposite me in halls at uni, and 2 girls who i happened to live in house shares. I think I'm just incredibly lazy. 

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

2 hours ago, BigFatCoward said:

Move a lot would be my suggestion. I've had 3 serious relationships, girl opposite me in halls at uni, and 2 girls who i happened to live in house shares. I think I'm just incredibly lazy. 

Not really. At the beginning of my Lifetime Development psychology course, the prof told us to look around the lecture hall. He then told us if there's someone we're attracted to, sit by them in the next class because geography dictates who our mates will be.

[Toth]

2 hours ago, Tywin et al. said:

Not really. At the beginning of my Lifetime Development psychology course, the prof told us to look around the lecture hall. He then told us if there's someone we're attracted to, sit by them in the next class because geography dictates who our mates will be.

... but that somehow assumes that everyone in the room wasn't already in longterm relationships, doesn't it? My university experience was pretty much that by the time you arrive there it is already too late and everybody around you is already taken.

[Toth]

13 minutes ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

AT UNIVERSITY???!!! Lol. Not in the US. In the US, the college/university experience is generally all about: 1. Getting an education, 2. Partying, and 3. Possibly finding a long-term relationship.

What can I say? The last time I met a female single in person was during high school and there due to my circumstances the best sentiment I could hope for was pity. And even there I made the observation that girls had the tendency to immediately get a boyfriend the moment certain secondary sex characteristics finished developing. The one girl I ever developed a very minor crush on was already in a relationship with some university student by the time I noticed some awkwardness in my chest.

At university everybody either arrived with their high school sweethearts or switched them out for other partners faster than you could blink. And I think I was surrounded by enough girls in the History faculty due to the skewered gender ratio that you might think someone among them was single, but apparently not. Every conversation always at some point veered towards their awesome boyfriends, so I had to accept that my peer group was essentially out of question for dating purposes.

Then again, I also never had the time (or mind) to indulge in any partying events and that was also the time where my desperate attempts to work on my social competence developed into a full-grown social anxiety and panic attacks when tagging along with strangers.

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

49 minutes ago, Toth said:

... but that somehow assumes that everyone in the room wasn't already in longterm relationships, doesn't it? My university experience was pretty much that by the time you arrive there it is already too late and everybody around you is already taken.

That misses the point. It doesn't matter if they are. The point is you're more likely to be in a relationship with a person that's close to you. This was always understood to be geographically. Now you just have to adjust your thinking to the technological age. 

48 minutes ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

AT UNIVERSITY???!!! Lol. Not in the US. In the US, the college/university experience is generally all about: 1. Getting an education, 2. Partying, and 3. Possibly finding a long-term relationship.

Pretty sure most people put your first last. 

[BigFatCoward]

57 minutes ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

AT UNIVERSITY???!!! Lol. Not in the US. In the US, the college/university experience is generally all about: 1. Getting an education, 2. Partying, and 3. Possibly finding a long-term relationship.

I met my long term girlfriend in the lift as I arrived at halls carrying my boxes. Loads of people tell me I missed out on the uni experience being in a relationship. 

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

23 minutes ago, BigFatCoward said:

I met my long term girlfriend in the lift as I arrived at halls carrying my boxes. Loads of people tell me I missed out on the uni experience being in a relationship. 

Everyone misses out on a lot of cool shit. I wouldn't worry too much about it, regardless of setting.

[Buckwheat]

3 hours ago, Toth said:

... but that somehow assumes that everyone in the room wasn't already in longterm relationships, doesn't it? My university experience was pretty much that by the time you arrive there it is already too late and everybody around you is already taken.

Or that the department you were in wasn't 99 % your own gender.  That was my uni experience, at least in one of the departments.

I have to agree with whoever said "move a lot" as a suggestion, as my most socially active/successul times were during Erasmus.

Anyway, I just met up with a person a coworker connected me to. It was my first time to meet with somebody unknown like this. I wasn't stood up, harrassed or attacked, or anything unpleasant of the sort, so I suppose this is a success. The person is ... intriguing. Right now, I do think I have enough interest to meet up again. Assuming they don't lock the whole damn country down again in the next few days, that is. Yes, I am aware of the whole moral dilemma of should I meet up with people socially in times of a global pandemic, but ... this global pandemic can be with us for the next 5 or 10 or how many years, right? Are we not supposed to meet anybody socially for who knows how long?

[Buckwheat]

A question.

Can dealbreakers be changed/got over with?

I try not to be picky with visual/physical characteristics of people. I know I am not some beauty myself and cannot expect to find the most typically handsome man in the world, and I don't expect and don't want that. I literally have one dealbreaker as far as visuals go ... and both men I was on my last two dates with (the one yesterday and the one back before the pandemic) had this trait. It is something that usually men at advanced ages show, but somehow I cannot find a guy below /around 30 witout it? Weird. With this yesterday's guy, I am still interested enough to meet up again and see what's there, but ... I do wonder if I can get over this one dealbreaker. Otherwise, all first impressions are positive.

[mormont]

18 hours ago, Toth said:

The last time I met a female single in person was during high school and there due to my circumstances the best sentiment I could hope for was pity.

This seems statistically unlikely, to say the least, and implies that you've asked about or at least become aware of the relationship status of everyone you've met. Which, by the way, does change, particularly at university. I feel like what you're really trying to say here is that you haven't met a girl you're attracted to who you've been able to establish is definitely single at the time. I have to say that when I was younger, I was very prone to writing off potential romantic interests in that sort of way: finding reasons why it would be futile to ask anyone out, so as to avoid the scary prospect of rejection. Could there be a bit of that going on here?

[Xray the Enforcer]

5 hours ago, Buckwheat said:

A question.

Can dealbreakers be changed/got over with?

Not all dealbreakers should be gotten over, tbh. Behavioral ones, like saying cruel things to your partner and then saying "I was just teasing," which is what a lot of immature and/or abusive people do, should never be swept aside "if everything else is OK" because holy shit so many of my friends have gotten into abusive, horrible relationships that way, and then stayed there and it also fucked up their kids. So, like, don't do that.

But physical appearance dealbreakers -- which is what it sounds like you're talking about -- are absolutely surmountable. A lot of times, it happens by itself as you get to know the person better. If everything else is awesome, you just tend to stop noticing the other thing as much until it's not a dealbreaker anymore. 

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

6 hours ago, Buckwheat said:

A question.

Can dealbreakers be changed/got over with?

I try not to be picky with visual/physical characteristics of people. I know I am not some beauty myself and cannot expect to find the most typically handsome man in the world, and I don't expect and don't want that. I literally have one dealbreaker as far as visuals go ... and both men I was on my last two dates with (the one yesterday and the one back before the pandemic) had this trait. It is something that usually men at advanced ages show, but somehow I cannot find a guy below /around 30 witout it? Weird. With this yesterday's guy, I am still interested enough to meet up again and see what's there, but ... I do wonder if I can get over this one dealbreaker. Otherwise, all first impressions are positive.

I'll bite, ear hair?

[Xray the Enforcer]

13 minutes ago, Tywin et al. said:

I'll bite, ear hair?

My three guesses were 1) ear/nostril hair 2) wild bushy eyebrows 3) baldness.

ETA: I should note that none of those are dealbreakers for me and I'm generally very VERY unfond of talking shit about age-related body changes, because everyone gets old, and not everyone has enough disposable income to get corrective surgery. Consider that a mod warning to keep it classy and don't shame people for age-related body changes. All of that said, the first two are pretty easily corrected with inexpensive grooming tools.

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

14 minutes ago, Xray the Enforcer said:

My three guesses were 1) ear/nostril hair 2) wild bushy eyebrows 3) baldness.

ETA: I should note that none of those are dealbreakers for me and I'm generally very VERY unfond of talking shit about age-related body changes, because everyone gets old, and not everyone has enough disposable income to get corrective surgery. Consider that a mod warning to keep it classy and don't shame people for age-related body changes. All of that said, the first two are pretty easily corrected with inexpensive grooming tools.

I can't find the specific one, but I had in mind a poll that asked straight women, starting at 18, then 28, 38, etc. to either 78 or 88, what they wanted in a hypothetical man. It was pretty funny seeing the slide from rich and famous Prince Charming to "just don't scare little kids." Time makes realists of us all.

[HoodedCrow]

Relationship tools. Definitely go to groups where there are varied people. If you are shy, find someone on the introverted side, take minor initiative, be a good listener( skills are learnable), flirt ( can be learned!), as you are comfortable. If you get a no, give yourself game points and move on to the next. My partner is nothing like I imagined. Focus on their good points. Also, if you are serious about someone, check their credit! Financial incompatibility is a key reason for breakup. If you like kids, you may be open to a partner with a child, or lots of people who have difficulty in some area.

There are thousands of ways to treat anxiety. It’s a matter of finding one that works for you. Definitely, negative self talk won’t help. Learn all you can about relaxing with breath, body and mind. Use it like a shield:)  A very useful lifetime tool is to find a way to be kind to yourself:)  

[Toth]

18 hours ago, Buckwheat said:

Or that the department you were in wasn't 99 % your own gender.  That was my uni experience, at least in one of the departments.

Yeah, in one of mine it might have ended up similarly, but thankfully didn't. The older students at one point enviously pointed out that 30% female students in computer science had been a major shift that they could only dream of. Though I think I still only made male acquaintances there.

18 hours ago, Buckwheat said:

I have to agree with whoever said "move a lot" as a suggestion, as my most socially active/successul times were during Erasmus.

I'm envious here then. In general I feel I should have tried to travel more and be more independent while it was still possible, but financial woes and the constant onslaught of my parents' divorce forced me to focus on getting through my studies as fast as humanly possible. This has also caused a somewhat jarring age gap beginning with me entering the Master that got ever more obvious in teacher training and now as I entered work life. Even the new teacher trainees arriving at my school are at least a decade older than me... I really feel like university was my best bet to be among like-minded people with similar interests and age and I totally squandered it.

3 hours ago, mormont said:

This seems statistically unlikely, to say the least, and implies that you've asked about or at least become aware of the relationship status of everyone you've met.

Maybe that's a sign then that I didn't meet too many people after all? Sure enough, there might be one or two I can think of where I just assumed their relationship status, but I don't think it doesn't make too much of a difference statistically.

3 hours ago, mormont said:

I feel like what you're really trying to say here is that you haven't met a girl you're attracted to who you've been able to establish is definitely single at the time.

More like I haven't met a girl I was attracted to. And then incidentally found that everybody I had regular contact with already had a partner anyway and logically assumed that everyone else is, too. In addition to that I never even once became aware of any breakups, all the relationships around me were already rock solid.

I mean, I get your point and I agree that there is truth to it that I have the tendency to find excuses to not allow myself any hopes, too. In fact I doubt all that many people can match me in regards to self-loathing and in how much I'm of the opinion that I would only be a bother to people anyway, so staying out of their lives is the most considerate thing I can do. I severely lack life experiences and still live with my mother at age 27. I'm an agonizingly boring person with an abysmal work-life balance whose day consists to 90% of ineffectively working himself to the bone and the remaining 10% being childishly obsessing over fictional stories to emphasize my immaturity. Something that even seems to bleed into my outward appearance given that I'm still regularly mistaken for underage, so I don't have anything to offer in regards to looks as well. Given that any potential partner would have to lower her standards down to bear this kind of fucked-upness makes it regularly clear that not pushing my luck is the best I can possibly do to go through life with the least damage done to others.

Doesn't change the fact I never had any opportunities to begin with, so eh... whatever. I guess I truly am wrong in this thread.

[Heartofice]

17 minutes ago, Toth said:

I'm an agonizingly boring person with an abysmal work-life balance whose day consists to 90% of ineffectively working himself to the bone and the remaining 10% being childishly obsessing over fictional stories to emphasize my immaturity. Something that even seems to bleed into my outward appearance given that I'm still regularly mistaken for underage, so I don't have anything to offer in regards to looks as well. Given that any potential partner would have to lower her standards down to bear this kind of fucked-upness makes it regularly clear that not pushing my luck is the best I can possibly do to go through life with the least damage done to others.

You'd be amazed how many people this applies to. I would guess most people consider their own lives to be agonisingly boring, and could easily find reasons similar to yours as to why finding a partner is futile. 
Damn, I mean at the same age as you are now, I was also living with my parents again, I had lost my job, was mostly bumming around, couldn't drive, had no money, was a movie nerd. Things got better, and I look back at that time now thinking 'shit you idiot, you shouldn't have worried about that stuff' becaue it turned out that most of the girls I met in fact didn't really care about it as much as I did.

So all I'd say is that don't get as caught up on the issues you think are a big deal, because they won't matter so much to other people if they like you. Most people are more concerned about their own crap.

And on the looking young thing, yeah that is pretty common too, I looked super young in my twenties which I thought was an issue but in my 30s was a godsend, and still is now. If you wanna look old, learn how to dress better (no tshirts with designs or sneakers is a rough rule.. anything a teenager would wear is out), get yourself to a gym to put on some muscle or lose some puffyness if that is a problem, and.. I dunno, grow some facial hair if possible. 

[Fury Resurrected]

25 minutes ago, HoodedCrow said:Also, if you are serious about someone, check their credit! Financial incompatibility is a key reason for breakup. If you like kids, you may be open to a partner with a child, or lots of people who have difficulty in some area.

Check their credit?! My credit is fine but if some dude told me he did that I’d consider it a huge intrusion/stalking behavior/extremely classist and I would be done. 

[Liffguard]

7 hours ago, Buckwheat said:

I try not to be picky with visual/physical characteristics of people. I know I am not some beauty myself and cannot expect to find the most typically handsome man in the world, and I don't expect and don't want that. I literally have one dealbreaker as far as visuals go ... and both men I was on my last two dates with (the one yesterday and the one back before the pandemic) had this trait. It is something that usually men at advanced ages show, but somehow I cannot find a guy below /around 30 witout it? Weird. With this yesterday's guy, I am still interested enough to meet up again and see what's there, but ... I do wonder if I can get over this one dealbreaker. Otherwise, all first impressions are positive.

I'm not sure exactly where I fall here. On the one hand, I do my best not to judge anyone's appearance at all. On the other hand, physical attraction is not something I've ever been able to consciously control. I can keep an open mind, and interrogate my feelings a little bit to see if I'm letting culturally ingrained hang-ups influence me too much. But ultimately, either the attraction is there or it's not, and I've never had an success at making myself feel attraction if it wasn't naturally there.

So, the only physical appearance "dealbreaker" for me is "do I feel attraction towards this person?" If the answer is yes, then I can absolutely get over any unconventional aspects of their appearance. But if the answer is no, then no amount of trying to "get over it" can conjure that feeling up.

[Fury Resurrected]

20 minutes ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

Fortunately, someone can’t just pull your credit out of the blue. That would be highly illegal. 

I’d say that money/credit is a discussion that people should have before they are married, because then you’re legally combining financial stuff...HOWEVER, the discussion should not involve showing credit reports for the following reasons:

1. I’m the only person I know who checks their credit report religiously. Most people don’t. Hence, there are a LOT of errors on credit reports. Heck, I’ve even written to ask a credit bureau to remove an error, and they won’t!!

2. Even if you are married, you retain your own credit profile. So, there’s no reason to see that.

3. A credit report is only going to show how responsible is with their credit, not with their money. I could be super responsible with my credit, but I could also just blow all my other available cash on strippers and booze.

I agree, it’s a perfectly reasonable thing to have a conversation about before entering some type of lifelong commitment or getting a joint account. But a conversation is not a credit check and I think anyone would be hard pressed to find someone not bothered by the suggestion that someone needs to fork over their social security number for a credit check!