RhaenysBee Posted May 24, 2020 Author Share Posted May 24, 2020 On a lighter, more pleasant and less mentally impaired note, I’m watch Henry Cavill interviews on YouTube. The man is medicine for the soul. (I’ve been rewatching the Witcher and enjoying it so much more than I did on the first watch. I suppose it helps that for the second time, I already know the names of characters and places and have a general understanding of the universe which enables focusing on characters, nuances and subtext instead of whipping my head around trying to follow who is who and what is when.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RhaenysBee Posted May 26, 2020 Author Share Posted May 26, 2020 Countryside adventures (M rated for death and mild gore) - Mother and I went on a regular dog walk in the outskirts. Blue skies, reed, tall grass, wild flowers, crop fields, wildlife. It was all very beautiful and tranquil, the dog looked adorable in the poppy field, we picked wild flowers for the kitchen, etc. And then we saw her (the dog) chasing a tall but young deer with a two or three prong antler, which was not running very quickly away from her. We saw the dog close up on the deer and them disappear in another tall reed patch. Then we heard these horrifying sounds on a deer crying. It was about a minute to call the dog back, she was unharmed and had no blood on her or any other sign that she was in a fight with a deer three times her size. So I went into the reed following the cry of this poor animal that was tearing my entire heart out and did find a body from a few meters far. It kept crying and I knew I couldn’t do anything to help or end its suffering (and didn’t want to see what I thought would be a terrible sight) so I took a couple photos of the place and we hurriedly returned to alert a neighbor who hunts so he might find and deal with this deer we thought our dog murdered/crippled. This took about fifteen minutes. The man and a friend were very sweet and entirely baffled that our 1 foot tall dog with his 20 cms legs could ever catch up with a deer let alone harm it and figured the deer might have been sick or had a bad leg. They thanked us for letting them know (as it that wasn’t the absolute least) and went out to find the animal, while mother and I returned home. I had a brandy shot and cried because nature is cruel. Then the neighbor and his friend returned in some fifteen minutes without success and asked if we could show them the place. I went with them, we picked up the friend’s hound, parked across the field and walked around for some twenty minutes before I found the patch of reed this animal was in and the hound found the body itself. It was a tiny fawn, barely alive, much smaller than the deer our dog chased and with no antler. They found old scaring on its back and sign of a previous shot wound. The neighbor shot it and so the currently standing theory is that the fawn was poached and never collected and our dog found and scared/injured it further when she chased the other deer into the reed (which probably ran away as there was no sign of another animal). conclusion: nature is cruel and always look take a look, no matter how difficult you think it may be. (The sight wasn’t actually gory, as the fawn’s injuries weren’t fresh and our dog never tore its throat out like I feared) conclusion 2: I am so extremely uneducated and stupid when it comes to nature. We humans should be living in harmony and cooperation with our surroundings and yet many of us know and understand so very little about it. Our artificial little lives are centered around all things man-made, offices and screens and shopping and eating reform food in restaurants and what we wear and who we date and there’s nothing wrong with that, only we tend to forget that it’s about 0.01% of the world and we are surrounded by an entire ecosystem where so much happens and such different laws and principles reign, where everything is simpler and rawer but also natural and beautiful even if sometimes cruel. /philosorhaenys conclusion 3: I need a dessert and a tea. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buckwheat Posted May 26, 2020 Share Posted May 26, 2020 That is very sad, Rhae. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RhaenysBee Posted May 28, 2020 Author Share Posted May 28, 2020 Hi all. I just had 200 ml of whiskey. And I’m drunk. Because sister and I had an ugly fight. And I’m finally out of this whiskey and I can open a much better new one. Which I stole from the pantry of my mum’s house. The day continued to be as terrible as it was 5 hours ago. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RhaenysBee Posted June 5, 2020 Author Share Posted June 5, 2020 Wow. Its been a week sincs anybody posted here. How sad. It has been a short and pretty all right week here. I spent most of the long weekend moping and watching Netflix, and then I’ve been tending to long overdue organization and decluttering tasks around the flat. We tried to jump on the balcony makeover bandwagon, but since ikea won’t deliver anything in the next three weeks, I had to be content with rotating the AC unit so that instead of half, we have a full square meter of balcony space which is enough for two people to sit on a cushion and have a coffee/glass of something. how is everybody else? in other news, I just found out that I have accumulated a €140 deficit in communal fee at my previous flat during 2015-16-17. What a wonderfully responsible young adult I was. Paid it now, but ugh... what was I doing with my life? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buckwheat Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 2 hours ago, RhaenysBee said: what was I doing with my life? Great question. I am so glad it is weekend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RhaenysBee Posted June 5, 2020 Author Share Posted June 5, 2020 22 minutes ago, Buckwheat said: Great question. I am so glad it is weekend. Yup, that certainly feels nice. How is your job? Are you settling in? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buckwheat Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 4 hours ago, RhaenysBee said: Yup, that certainly feels nice. How is your job? Are you settling in? Eeeeeh. So tired. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen'ari Posted June 6, 2020 Share Posted June 6, 2020 On 5/24/2020 at 2:18 PM, RhaenysBee said: Well isn’t this a glorious day? Yesterday I had a shit day and I told myself, ah, never mind, I’ll make the most of tomorrow, I’ll relax and read and pot my propagated plant and enjoy the lightness of an unproductive Sunday until sister arrives. (although I did feel this slight knot in my stomach that there’d be trouble - and foolishly thought that the cause would be my Skyping my friend on Sunday, instead of talking to sister, which would obviously make her upset and angry) Instead my mum’s been feeling unwell since morning and has severe stomach and back pain (and no body temperature). She called the doctor who thinks it might be very bad reflux or a spleen issue. So I had the honor of calling sister to tell her that we are so incredibly sorry and know it’s terrible but it’s better if she doesn’t come back for everybody’s health including hers. And of course she went ballistic. Because she will spend her birthday alone. And it’s a big one. And she’ll be all alone in an apartment studying on this big birthday of hers. And why couldn’t I say this the day before anyway? Because she can’t plan ahead so suddenly and what a preposterous inconvenience it is for my father that he thought he’d be driving her somewhere and now he isn’t. We quickly got to the point that she said she doesn’t give a shit about mum and I told her to go to hell and she told me that she didn’t expect a better birthday wish from me and I told her I didn’t expect her big birthday to rise her above prioritizing her convenience over our mother’s health, so she told me that I’m boring and ugly and pathetic and will die alone etc etc etc. Ah good times. So now we are waiting for my mum to feel better from all the meds the doctor told her to take and if she isn’t better I’ll drive her to the emergency duty doctor’s office. Meanwhile sister is probably crying alone and mourning her birthday plans, hating me for being the bearer of bad news and hating my mother for timing her health trouble badly and deep down probably also worrying if she’s okay. Moral of the story (aside from my and sister‘s being nutcases who should have been in psychotherapy for years - which is known, per se): - don’t waste away entire days feeling shitty for no reason at all because it’ll only get shittier and you should enjoy life while it’s not as shit as it can be - easier said than done of course and even easier to be a smartass in retrospect, but maybe just maybe I’ll sloooooowly learn this and appreciate the mundane before the storm /ignore me, 80% of my online content is emotion dump - I should get into journaling and spare the internet my shit I know you posted this a while ago but I hadn’t seen it, that really sucks, I hope your mum is ok now and that your sister has a personality transplant . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RhaenysBee Posted June 6, 2020 Author Share Posted June 6, 2020 1 hour ago, Jen'ari said: I know you posted this a while ago but I hadn’t seen it, that really sucks, I hope your mum is ok now and that your sister has a personality transplant . Oh, thanks, you are sweet. Yeah, my mum turned out to have a very bad reflux for, she was perfectly fine the next day and sister did end up visiting for her birthday. These things usually resolve themselves in a day or two, thankfully, it’s just impossible that we still make such drama out of them. Oh well. Also very funny and creative and much desired wishes for sister how are YOU? Everything all right? Mini siths? mrs sith? Your family? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen'ari Posted June 7, 2020 Share Posted June 7, 2020 17 hours ago, RhaenysBee said: Oh, thanks, you are sweet. Yeah, my mum turned out to have a very bad reflux for, she was perfectly fine the next day and sister did end up visiting for her birthday. These things usually resolve themselves in a day or two, thankfully, it’s just impossible that we still make such drama out of them. Oh well. Also very funny and creative and much desired wishes for sister how are YOU? Everything all right? Mini siths? mrs sith? Your family? I’m kind of ok and kind of not, sister in law is staying again for a while because she split up with her bf and it all ended with her storming out and now she’s upset, her and other mrs Sith were having a heated discussion this morning and I came in with mini Sith 2 thinking she would want to see her new niece but she wasn’t much interested at all which is kind of , I think emotions are just running high at the moment, we’ve both not had nearly enough sleep and we’ve both gotten a visit from Mother Nature at the same time, the last thing we needed on top of all that was a visit from a dramatic sister in law too!. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RhaenysBee Posted June 7, 2020 Author Share Posted June 7, 2020 1 hour ago, Jen'ari said: I’m kind of ok and kind of not, sister in law is staying again for a while because she split up with her bf and it all ended with her storming out and now she’s upset, her and other mrs Sith were having a heated discussion this morning and I came in with mini Sith 2 thinking she would want to see her new niece but she wasn’t much interested at all which is kind of , I think emotions are just running high at the moment, we’ve both not had nearly enough sleep and we’ve both gotten a visit from Mother Nature at the same time, the last thing we needed on top of all that was a visit from a dramatic sister in law too!. Oh, I’m sorry. It really does sound like the emotional roller coaster is at it in your house. I’m sure your sister in law is interested in the baby, she’s probably really overwhelmed with the breakup, imposing on you guys and the general pandemic situation. Was she in quarantine with her boyfriend previously? and yes, pandemic + pms has been known to make me a monster as well, just stay strong both of you, it’ll be over soon. Will the sister in law help you guys with some baby sitting? If I understand correctly your restrictions are a bit easier now too, so maybe some me-time or just couples time might help everybody? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen'ari Posted June 7, 2020 Share Posted June 7, 2020 28 minutes ago, RhaenysBee said: Oh, I’m sorry. It really does sound like the emotional roller coaster is at it in your house. I’m sure your sister in law is interested in the baby, she’s probably really overwhelmed with the breakup, imposing on you guys and the general pandemic situation. Was she in quarantine with her boyfriend previously? and yes, pandemic + pms has been known to make me a monster as well, just stay strong both of you, it’ll be over soon. Will the sister in law help you guys with some baby sitting? If I understand correctly your restrictions are a bit easier now too, so maybe some me-time or just couples time might help everybody? All I really want is cuddles and a hot water bottle right now but I have an energetic toddler to look after, baby is asleep at the moment. Sister in law isn’t really a kid person, she likes the mini Siths but she is terrified of having to look after them and doesn’t want kids herself-so she says at the moment anyway. I do feel bad for her and the breakup but she really should start dating nicer guys rather than going for the bad boy type who do classy things like sleep with another girl behind your back, I think she’s right to leave him though and have self respect. It’s kind of funny really because out of them both the gay one was the first to give her parents grandkids, she’s also the most awesome mum ever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RhaenysBee Posted June 9, 2020 Author Share Posted June 9, 2020 On 6/7/2020 at 1:53 PM, Jen'ari said: All I really want is cuddles and a hot water bottle right now but I have an energetic toddler to look after, baby is asleep at the moment. Sister in law isn’t really a kid person, she likes the mini Siths but she is terrified of having to look after them and doesn’t want kids herself-so she says at the moment anyway. I do feel bad for her and the breakup but she really should start dating nicer guys rather than going for the bad boy type who do classy things like sleep with another girl behind your back, I think she’s right to leave him though and have self respect. It’s kind of funny really because out of them both the gay one was the first to give her parents grandkids, she’s also the most awesome mum ever. Ah hot water bottles. Sister has this habit of always having her hot water bottle at the other house when she needs it. If she’s in the country at my mum’s, the hot water bottle’s here in the city. If she’s here, it’s back at my mum’s. I just don’t get why she doesn’t just buy another one. Hope you feel better since then I have found that wanting kids changes throughout the course of life, at least that’s how it is for me, maybe she’ll change her mind one day. And if not, she can still enjoy the mini siths. as someone who’s always been attracted to the wrong men, I sympathize. Dating nice guys is SOOOOO hard (maybe that’s why I haven’t even tried in almost a year )Anyone figures out the secret, let me know your sister in law is younger than mrs sith though, isn’t she? Maybe I misremember. Does her family live near you, btw? This has been a pleasant and productive week so far. Finished some ugly drawings for built-in plans, emailed them to the built-in guy who’s coming to measure the flat and then hopefully he’ll give us some 3D plans and a decent proposal. what else is new? sister passed her online exam in Roman Law (is it what you’d call it in English?) with a sparking B. We went out for dinner and drinks in celebration. The upside of the pandemic aftermath is that one can get a table outside at 7pm without reservation. That would never ever have happened before. The postal service lost the face masks I ordered, so I’m picking up another pair today, also need to get my card checked (I think it was a bad idea to put it inside my phone case, some magnetic something must be messed up, because contactless payment no longer works on it) and I also need to buy some that time of the month supplies. I got an audible subscription and I’m listening to Sapiens by Yuval Noah Harari, which I highly recommend, if anybody enjoys a provocative assessment on the history of mankind, social anthropology and a little bit of biology. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buckwheat Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 3 hours ago, RhaenysBee said: as someone who’s always been attracted to the wrong men, I sympathize. Dating nice guys is SOOOOO hard (maybe that’s why I haven’t even tried in almost a year )Anyone figures out the secret, let me know I don't think I have ever dated a bad guy. Maybe the worst was the one who ghosted me, but we only went on one date. The rest of the guys - two, to be exact - were at least honest about being confused and not knowing what they want to do. I haven't done a whole lot of dating in my life at all. It was a hellish day at work today. Also time of the month. Can we just skip ahead to the weekend already? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RhaenysBee Posted June 9, 2020 Author Share Posted June 9, 2020 2 hours ago, Buckwheat said: I don't think I have ever dated a bad guy. Maybe the worst was the one who ghosted me, but we only went on one date. The rest of the guys - two, to be exact - were at least honest about being confused and not knowing what they want to do. I haven't done a whole lot of dating in my life at all. It was a hellish day at work today. Also time of the month. Can we just skip ahead to the weekend already? How is this job of yours? I’m so sorry to hear that it’s not any good. Any particular details you might want to share? Is there a chance that it’ll get better? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buckwheat Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 1 hour ago, RhaenysBee said: How is this job of yours? I’m so sorry to hear that it’s not any good. Any particular details you might want to share? Is there a chance that it’ll get better? There are a lot of crappy sides to it. I don't think it will get any better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen'ari Posted June 10, 2020 Share Posted June 10, 2020 On 6/9/2020 at 11:35 AM, RhaenysBee said: Ah hot water bottles. Sister has this habit of always having her hot water bottle at the other house when she needs it. If she’s in the country at my mum’s, the hot water bottle’s here in the city. If she’s here, it’s back at my mum’s. I just don’t get why she doesn’t just buy another one. Hope you feel better since then I have found that wanting kids changes throughout the course of life, at least that’s how it is for me, maybe she’ll change her mind one day. And if not, she can still enjoy the mini siths. as someone who’s always been attracted to the wrong men, I sympathize. Dating nice guys is SOOOOO hard (maybe that’s why I haven’t even tried in almost a year )Anyone figures out the secret, let me know your sister in law is younger than mrs sith though, isn’t she? Maybe I misremember. Does her family live near you, btw? This has been a pleasant and productive week so far. Finished some ugly drawings for built-in plans, emailed them to the built-in guy who’s coming to measure the flat and then hopefully he’ll give us some 3D plans and a decent proposal. what else is new? sister passed her online exam in Roman Law (is it what you’d call it in English?) with a sparking B. We went out for dinner and drinks in celebration. The upside of the pandemic aftermath is that one can get a table outside at 7pm without reservation. That would never ever have happened before. The postal service lost the face masks I ordered, so I’m picking up another pair today, also need to get my card checked (I think it was a bad idea to put it inside my phone case, some magnetic something must be messed up, because contactless payment no longer works on it) and I also need to buy some that time of the month supplies. I got an audible subscription and I’m listening to Sapiens by Yuval Noah Harari, which I highly recommend, if anybody enjoys a provocative assessment on the history of mankind, social anthropology and a little bit of biology. Oh I can’t not have my hot water bottle near me, yes sister in law has quite recently turned 28 and mrs Sith will be 33 this year. I don’t really get the appeal of dating guys that are bad boys it’s only going to end up going wrong!, I’m just filing this bad boy attraction thing under-straight girls are strange . Things are calmer at home now thankfully. I’ve been putting a brave face on things a bit recently because I’ve been feeling quite low and drained emotionally, if I’m being honest with myself I think my depression is rearing it’s head again a little, the mini Siths always manage to put a smile on my face though but I think I’d benefit from talking to someone again when I’m able to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RhaenysBee Posted June 10, 2020 Author Share Posted June 10, 2020 1 hour ago, Jen'ari said: Oh I can’t not have my hot water bottle near me, yes sister in law has quite recently turned 28 and mrs Sith will be 33 this year. I don’t really get the appeal of dating guys that are bad boys it’s only going to end up going wrong!, I’m just filing this bad boy attraction thing under-straight girls are strange . Things are calmer at home now thankfully. I’ve been putting a brave face on things a bit recently because I’ve been feeling quite low and drained emotionally, if I’m being honest with myself I think my depression is rearing it’s head again a little, the mini Siths always manage to put a smile on my face though but I think I’d benefit from talking to someone again when I’m able to. Oh, see. I thought she was younger Than me. It’s always a delight to find out that someone’s older than me. At least it’s been since I hit 25 The appeal isn’t the result, but the process, I’d say. The wrong guys (who aren’t always typical bad boys, or weren’t for me) are just always more fascinating. The chemistry kicks in within minutes, it’s not something you consciously have to make an effort to achieve, as you do (or I did) with random nice guys throughout 2-3 dates without result. Flirting isn’t awkward because they’ve just got it, they are sweetly cocky (in the beginning - then it turns into obnoxiously and annoyingly cocky) and it feels great and special to have their attention. But yeah unfortunately it always goes downhill at one point or the other... ah I’m so sorry to hear it. I suppose this time has been taking its toll on many people’s mental health hope you get it under control soon and get to talk to someone. sister and I shared a bottle of terrible wine and ate three plates of pure carbs to make the taste go away... we are watching the extended version of LOTR. I’m so in love with this film. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buckwheat Posted June 12, 2020 Share Posted June 12, 2020 Long whiny what-am-I-doing-with-my-life post from Bucky: I haven't been feeling like posting here lately. I have been exausted every day since I started the nex job. It kind of still sucks. I come into work happy and full of energy and hope that it will be better than the day before every single day, and every day I go back home exausted, sucked out of energy and good mood, and spend the afternoon/evening laying around without the will to go anywhere else or do anything else. I cannot even be happy that it is the weekend now because I am so tired, and my throat hurts because I have been shouting so much and I fear that I am going to completely ruin my vocal cords within a month of working like this. I feel absolutely powerless because the students just refuse to listen to me every hour, because I cannot make anybody shut up and listen for more than half a minute, and then they are back at it with the shouting, picking at each other, standing up in the middle of class, and other shit. I have a headache and everything else is unbearable to me and I want complete silence every afternoon because I am so fed up with children shouting around me and annoying me. I feel like everything I do at the job is a mistake or wrong in some way. Don't get me wrong, I have good coworkers and everybody wants to help me and sympathises with me that I came into an unfortunate situation at work, but most of the time, I am not with the coworkers, but alone with kids, and and and it's just not going well. I keep sending out more job applications for jobs starting in the autumn, but at the same time, I don't think I even want to do that for much longer, so I keep asking myself what's the point if I even have to force myself to send in job applications. I also miss the supernatural entity again, even though it has been almost two years since we have even been in contact, and I just start missing him when I am so stressed and lonely and need somebody to support me, and then I start thinking that breaking up with him was the biggest mistake I ever did in my life, and I do that every time I am stressed and lonely and I just keep thinking about how I am a failure because of not having a romantic life figured out at 28 and then I just start thinking that I am going to be lonely till the end of my life anyway, which is terrible, and makes me fele so lonely. In other news, I am trying to happily look forward to this weekend, because I am meeting two friends I haven't seen in ages, and on Monday, when I am supposed to meet with my advisor, and I am trying to think that it is positive that one of my translations was published in a magazine and I just got the newest issue with my translations today, and I am even going to get paid for it, just a little, so these are all great things, but right now I just don't feel like I can concentrate on positive things. /// This has been a stupid whiny post that I am probably going to regret and take down at some point soon. Continue with your regular toddler and home renovation updates or whatever you are doing here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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