Jump to content

The Gallows Humor Thread


Fragile Bird

Recommended Posts

1 hour ago, Stannis Eats No Peaches said:

I didn’t even know Americans said “twat”. Does this count as cultural appropriation?

Yes, the US has a horrid history of culturally appropriating from the English.  Why?  Who can say?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2020/mar/30/astrophysicist-gets-magnets-stuck-up-nose-while-inventing-coronavirus-device?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

This story is filled with too many delightful details to post all of them. So I'll just share the title and my favorite one:

Quote

Astrophysicist gets magnets stuck up nose while inventing coronavirus device

Quote

 

“After struggling for 20 minutes, I decided to Google the problem and found an article about an 11-year-old boy who had the same problem. The solution in that was more magnets. To put on the outside to offset the pull from the ones inside.

“As I was pulling downwards to try and remove the magnets, they clipped on to each other and I lost my grip. And those two magnets ended up in my left nostril while the other one was in my right. At this point I ran out of magnets.”

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

17 hours ago, Stannis Eats No Peaches said:

I didn’t even know Americans said “twat”. Does this count as cultural appropriation?

 

”Twot” sounds like something an upper class fellow would say in a misguided attempt to fit in with the guys in the pub.

Twat has been a term for "women's genitals" in the English language since at least the 1650s, so at least 120 years BEFORE the U.S. ceased to be a British colony. 

"Clunge" is the recently created British term with the same meaning which hasn't caught on in the USA yet. But with the Internet and the international nature of the London-New York-Hollywood entertainment industry, we'll probably be getting it over here soon.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, Ormond said:

 

"Clunge" is the recently created British term with the same meaning which hasn't caught on in the USA yet. But with the Internet and the international nature of the London-New York-Hollywood entertainment industry, we'll probably be getting it over here soon.

Jay of the Inbetweeners is an important cultural ambassador in that regard. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

9 minutes ago, Iskaral Pust said:

Jay of the Inbetweeners is an important cultural ambassador in that regard. 

Jay went to the doctors 3 years ago with covid 19 symptoms, doctor said his dick was so big he was immune.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Been a bit lax copying these across as I stayed off line for a few days.  Spending too much time reading on COVID19... . Sunday's (AEDT) below. 

Daily Update :

There are no new additions to the leaderboard today. 199 countries and territories are on the leaderboard at present. That is about 7 less than competed in the 2016 Rio Olympics and about 199 more than will compete in the 2020 Tokyo Olympics.

Entering the “Over 100” club include Mauritius, Guadeloupe and Uzbekistan. The most impressive entrant though was Cuba with a 49% increase in cases in the past 24 hours. You will note, still no Cambodia. The nervous nineties for them, still on 99.

Joining the “Millennial” club are Greece carrying 11% momentum, and the Philippines with 34% momentum. While the Philippines may never become a significant player in the overall standings, they have good form with no-longer-participants that would see them in 19th spot. Indonesia is another country who are performing a similar way.

To the top of the leaderboard and we have a new entrant into the Top 10. It is the Netherlands that has pushed S Korea out. A 13% increase sufficient to finally achieve that goal. We shall let them have the accolades today, though Belgium (25%) and perhaps Turkey (30%) are coming with a rush to argue the point.

The USA though is outpacing the competition. It is very difficult to see where a competitor will arise from. I thought it might be worth providing some idea of the level of commitment this country is devoting. All 50 states are participating. More than that, each state is actively participating adding cases in the past 24 hours. The least number of cases in total is South Dakota with 68 cases. That is more than 85 nations in the main competition. At the top end and New York is doing the heavy lifting with 53393 cases, which (if we remove the USA) would have it in 5th place overall behind only the big guns in Italy, Spain, Germany and the flagging China. New Jersey 9th, California 15th, with Florida, Massachusetts, Washington and Michigan all carrying more total cases than Australia. They are now 31000 cases in front of anyone else, and climbing.

The “Most Non-Improved” award today goes to make benefit glorious nation of Kazakhstan. An impressive 52% increase in cases today saw their 150 cases turn into 228 cases overnight.

In Australia, and we can only stump up a 8% increase today. We maintain 19th, and hold our breath for a week to see what the results of the Queensland election are.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Mondays:

Daily Update :

There are no new additions to the leaderboard today. We might have to reassess our recruitment criteria. In addition, we have one nation that has previously participated, but now has no active cases. We shall need to make contact with St Vincent and the Grenadines, and perform an exit interview.

Entering the “Over 100” club include Channel Islands (11%), Nigeria (14%) and Honduras (16%). Finally Cambodia have hit the boundary and add 4 cases to reach 103 in total. Storming into the club are Cameroon who have added 48 cases overnight for a 53% increase.

Joining the “Millennial” club are India with a very small 4% increase, and Iceland with a slightly larger 6% increase.

To the top of the leaderboard and there has been no change overnight. The countries with the greatest momentum out of this group are USA carrying 15% momentum, the UK 14% and Netherlands 11%. The rest of the top 10 remain under 10%. Spain is experiencing the greatest loss of experience, sadly with a further 821 no-longer-participants overnight, and is expected to make its way into the main competitions medals tomorrow at the expense of China. Belgium (18%) fell 30 cases short of taking the 10th place off the Netherlands. The USA is now 44000 cases in front of 2nd place.

The “Most Non-Improved” award today goes to the Philippines. Everything was pretty quiet overnight, and so a 32% increase taking their total to 1418 cases was sufficient to take home the award. They now hold 34th spot. Turkey presented strongly again with a 24% increase, as did Romania with 25%.

Also of note that Qatar has now been eliminated from the Domino competition. The lead would have fallen to New Zealand, but they also stumbled. The leader is now Latvia with 347 cases, no losses.

In Australia, and we have registered a disappointing 14% today. This is above our previous two days efforts. We slide down to 20th position as Israel posts a 17% increase to move past us. We haven’t heard much from Israel, but they always seem to be in the background of world events somehow or other.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Tuesday's:

With much fanfare we welcome Botswana to the leaderboard today. They are the 200th nation on the leaderboard. It has been a couple of days since a nation last joined, so we are very pleased that our new recruitment drive has worked.

The Republic of Belarus has joined the “Over 100” club today with a very impressive 62% increase in cases taking their total up to 152. This catapults them into the top 100 nations. Also Georgia have crept in with a 13% increase bringing their total to 103.

Joining the “Millennial” club today is the Republic of Panama with a 9% increase, taking their total cases up to 1039. It is the first of the Central American countries to gain entry to the club, with Costa Rica its closest rival on 330 cases. It also beat Mexico into the club, a clear indicator that this virus travels by cruise ship much more readily than it does by road. Checking performance against the STREWTH 20/1000 INDEX™️, and their 27 no-longer-participants indicates that there has been some under-testing. As such, there is an easy improvement in performance for them that could see them move strongly up the chart.

To the top of the leaderboard and China are off the podium. Spain, demonstrating serious commitment, have put together a 10% increase and now hold the bronze coffin position. They are eyeing off Italy in 2nd, who have somewhat slowed and only produced a 4% increase yesterday. However Spain are pushing very hard to achieve these targets, losing 913 participants overnight. This falls just 6 short of Italy's record of 919.

Still at the top of the leaderboard, and the Netherlands lose their newly acquired 10th spot as Belgium stump up a 10% increase to dislodge them. These two neighbouring countries have been in a great tussle. However, they both need to keep an eye out for Turkey, who have managed a 17% increase overnight and are now just 1072 cases short of 10th position.

The USA have added over 20000 new cases overnight. A 14% increase which sees them 62000 cases clear of 2nd place. New York alone is every chance of recording a higher number of total cases than China in 3 days time. While they have the 2nd lowest disposal efficiency inside the top 10, having lost 3156 participants in the course of achieving their 163844 total cases for a 1.9% disposal efficiency (only Germany is better), it does still appear as if they have gone too hard at allowing this virus to spread. The wave is coming.

The “Most Non-Improved” award today goes to the India. A 22% increase in cases is sufficient to give the Millennium club member the award today. There were plenty of contenders, however the level of momentum given their 40th position on the leaderboard warranted the nod. Certainly a potential sleeping giant, although their results have seemed quite subdued to date.

In Australia, and we have registered a 7% increase today. We move back up to 19th position as Norway slides down from 17th position yesterday.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 minutes ago, ants said:

Tuesday's:

With much fanfare we welcome Botswana to the leaderboard today. They are the 200th nation on the leaderboard. It has been a couple of days since a nation last joined, so we are very pleased that our new recruitment drive has worked.

The Republic of Belarus has joined the “Over 100” club today with a very impressive 62% increase in cases taking their total up to 152. This catapults them into the top 100 nations. Also Georgia have crept in with a 13% increase bringing their total to 103.

Joining the “Millennial” club today is the Republic of Panama with a 9% increase, taking their total cases up to 1039. It is the first of the Central American countries to gain entry to the club, with Costa Rica its closest rival on 330 cases. It also beat Mexico into the club, a clear indicator that this virus travels by cruise ship much more readily than it does by road. Checking performance against the STREWTH 20/1000 INDEX™️, and their 27 no-longer-participants indicates that there has been some under-testing. As such, there is an easy improvement in performance for them that could see them move strongly up the chart.

To the top of the leaderboard and China are off the podium. Spain, demonstrating serious commitment, have put together a 10% increase and now hold the bronze coffin position. They are eyeing off Italy in 2nd, who have somewhat slowed and only produced a 4% increase yesterday. However Spain are pushing very hard to achieve these targets, losing 913 participants overnight. This falls just 6 short of Italy's record of 919.

Still at the top of the leaderboard, and the Netherlands lose their newly acquired 10th spot as Belgium stump up a 10% increase to dislodge them. These two neighbouring countries have been in a great tussle. However, they both need to keep an eye out for Turkey, who have managed a 17% increase overnight and are now just 1072 cases short of 10th position.

The USA have added over 20000 new cases overnight. A 14% increase which sees them 62000 cases clear of 2nd place. New York alone is every chance of recording a higher number of total cases than China in 3 days time. While they have the 2nd lowest disposal efficiency inside the top 10, having lost 3156 participants in the course of achieving their 163844 total cases for a 1.9% disposal efficiency (only Germany is better), it does still appear as if they have gone too hard at allowing this virus to spread. The wave is coming.

The “Most Non-Improved” award today goes to the India. A 22% increase in cases is sufficient to give the Millennium club member the award today. There were plenty of contenders, however the level of momentum given their 40th position on the leaderboard warranted the nod. Certainly a potential sleeping giant, although their results have seemed quite subdued to date.

In Australia, and we have registered a 7% increase today. We move back up to 19th position as Norway slides down from 17th position yesterday.

Did i sleep away a whole day again?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

35 minutes ago, ants said:

Tuesday's:

<snip> the leaderboard <snip>

I've found myself, more often than not, checking the worldometers site 'leaderboard' like some macabre Olympic Games Medal Tally. In an Olympic Games year sans an Olympic Games, this is one table I'd be happy to be counted as an also ran (asymptomatic), than to get Bronze (mild symptoms), Silver (hospilization) or Gold (death).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, HelenaExMachina said:

Did i sleep away a whole day again?

I'm in Australia remember! They're coming out about mid-day/early afternoon in Australia, and we're about 10 hours ahead of Europe and 16-18 hours ahead of the USA.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

More pick-up lines:

If Covid-19 doesn't take you out, can I?

Since all the public libraries are closed, I'm checking you out instead!

You can't spell virus without U and I.

Hey babe...can I ship you a drink?

I really can't stay.

Baby, it's Covid-19 out there!

And my favorite:

I saw you from across the bar. Stay there.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A bit delayed (by me) copying it across: 

Daily Update :

We welcome to the leaderboard today the nations of Burundi and Sierra Leone. The two African nations have taken their time getting on board, but there still seems to be plenty of time to have an impact.

Joining the “Over 100” club today are Bolivia (10%), Kyrgyzstan (14%) and Montenegro (20%). The big mover in this section of the ladder was the Caribbean Island of Martinique with a 37% increase.

Joining the “Millennial” club today is Mexico (10%), Peru (12%) and the Dominican Republic (23%). The biggest mover though was Argentina who recorded a further 234 cases to carry 28% momentum. That’s 47 countries that are now a part of this club. Checking performance against the STREWTH 20/1000 INDEX™️, and all of these countries show over 20 no-longer-participants indicating they potentially have some participants who just need to be tested. Dominican Republic lead the way here with 51 no-longer-participants. This nation of beautiful people have extremely rich tourist areas that Americans like to frequent, and very poor almost everything else.

To the top of the leaderboard and we have a new entrant into the Top 10. You’ll never guess. Yes, it is Turkey, finally forcing their way in carrying a strong 25% momentum. It was only a couple of weeks ago that they joined the “Over 100” club. They now have 13531 cases. They kick out Belgium, who kicked out Netherlands the day before. However the top 10 does appear to be very strong now. Switzerland in 9th appear most vulnerable, and it is probably going to be between Canada (15%), Portugal (16%) or Brazil (23%) to see who it is that pushes them out.

The USA powers on. A further 15% added to the new cases. They are pushing hard, losing a number of participants equal to Spain in the 24 hours, only behind Italy. They are now 82000 cases clear of 2nd place. Spain is the best placed top 10 country in the handicap competition, and now has 0.2% of its population registered.

The “Most Non-Improved” award today goes to the Philippines. Carrying 35% momentum is a strong effort when sitting in 33rd place on the leaderboard. Also performing strongly today was Russia with a 27% effort from 27th place, and Cameroon with a 39% effort from 90th place.

In Australia, and we have registered a 7% increase again today. We maintain 19th position. We are putting in a fair effort in this competition. When looking at the quantity of no-longer-participants, there is no country above us with less recorded, and there are 27 countries below us with more recorded. Further, using the STREWTH 20/1000 INDEX™️ it gives us some guidance as to our level of effort. Having documented our 20th no-longer-participant overnight, we now look at our total cases and are sitting at 4763. This is well above the 1000 par, and indicates that we have strong testing when compared with other competitors. Looking ahead, it is not expected that there are any easy gains for us. We shall have to do it the old fashioned way, with cruise ships.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

17 hours ago, Fragile Bird said:

Since all the public libraries are closed, I'm checking you out instead!

 

 

This is a good one.  It's topical and inching toward elite level lines like 'You know it's dangerous for you to be in the frozen food section...'

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...