The Gallows Humor Thread

[DMC]

14 minutes ago, Sharpes said:

Dude has more muscle in one arm than I have my entire body. :O

Saw that the other day.  His daughter's absolutely adorable.

[Fragile Bird]

Donald Trump is a master at hand washing.

He learned it from Pontius Pilate.

 

 

Funny, and topical!

[ants]

Daily Update :

We welcome to the leaderboard Western Sahara. Another territory with a dispute over it. Doesn’t matter to us. We welcome both those who are aligned with Morocco, and those aligned with the Sahrawi Arab Democratic Party.

Entering the “Over 100” club are Rwanda, and Trinidad and Tobago. Guinea makes the strongest move to join the group with 56% increase.

Joining the “Millennial” club are Estonia and Egypt.

To the top of the leaderboard and France got a massive boost to their numbers yesterday after the final bell. They push into 5th spot at the expense of China who continue to slide, and are now within striking distance of Germany. The big news today though is that Spain have managed to reel in and overtake Italy for 2nd spot, and are now the European leaders. Olé!

The “Most Non-Improved” award today goes to Moldova with a 27% increase. There wasn’t a lot of strong results today. Belarus went really close with 25% increase. Given their president is urging citizens to drink vodka, go to saunas and return to work, they might be moving up the ladder in the near future.

Worth noting that Worldometer has added a couple of columns to their table showing number of tests, and tests per million population. Accuracy unknown. In terms of total tests, USA is recorded as on top with 1.6M tests. Followed by Germany and Italy. Surprisingly Russia has 4th spot having conducted 639k tests for only 4731 cases. Australia sit in 8th.

In terms of tests per population, the Faeroe Islands lead having tested just under 10% of their population. Iceland 7% and Gibraltar 4% round out the top 3. We are over 1% and sit in 18th, with the only key players ahead of us being Austria, Norway and Switzerland.

In Australia, and we can only stump up a 2% increase today. We maintain 20th spot, although Norway have drawn level.

[Inkdaub]

15 hours ago, Fragile Bird said:

Hey, in the US a train engineer read that the military hospital ship Mercy had sailed into Los Angeles to do something evil (spread the coronavirus perhaps?) and he crashed through barricades and chain-link fences and over parking lots to try to crash his train into the ship. Because you may only get one chance your life to do something heroic!

I kid you not.

https://www.npr.org/sections/coronavirus-live-updates/2020/04/02/825897966/train-engineer-says-he-crashed-in-attempt-to-attack-navy-hospital-ship-in-l-a

 

He was in the cab holding a lighted flare like Max Cady.

Also from the article...

"Moreno now faces a federal charge of one count of train wrecking — a crime that carries a maximum penalty of 20 years in prison."

I am a train driver and I don't recall being given this bit of information.

[Fragile Bird]

The word quarantine comes from the 40 days Venice required sailors to stay aboard a ship with sickness on it.

The year is 2020. 20+20 = 40.

 

Ugh.

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

12 hours ago, DMC said:

Saw that the other day.  His daughter's absolutely adorable.

Well she did come from The People's Boulders, after all.

If ya smelllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll..........................................

[Rufus Snow]

Benefits of social distancing:

You can now fart in the supermarket queue

[Maltaran]

Germans have been advised to stockpile sausages and cheese.

It’s a Wurst Kase scenario.

[Ferocious Veldt Roarer]

A thought I had the other day: are we calling it the Great Spring Sickness yet? And if not, then why on Earth not?

[Spockydog]

 

[ants]

Daily Update :

We welcome to the leaderboard South Sudan, and Saint Pierre and Miquelon. Both start their accounts with 1 case. This is more significant for the French Islands and their population of 6000 people, as it rockets them into the Handicap in 77th place.

Joining the “Over 100” club are Paraguay with an 8% increase, and Gibraltar with a 5% increase. All very modest and controlled.

Joining the “Millennial” club are Morocco with an 11% increase, and New Zealand with a 9% increase. What we have today are two countries that are on the complete opposite ends of the STREWTH 20/1000 INDEX™️. Morocco with 70 losses at this stage, and New Zealand with 1.

No changes at the top of the leaderboard today. The greatest momentum is with Turkey carrying 13% and UK carrying 14%.

The winner of the “Most Non-Improved” award today is Peru. Their 535 new cases takes them to a total of 2281 cases for 30% momentum. They must have a lot of 5G towers in Peru. India were also quite strong today carrying 20% momentum off a higher base, but Peru gets the nod. As some have flagged Japan today, they had 16% momentum and currently sit in 33rd spot.

We flagged yesterday that the number of tests were now being recorded at worldometers. Today we look at the number of tests per case. The intent here is to see which nations are finding positive cases most regularly or easily. There are 131 nations who have had test numbers recorded by worldometer.

The countries who are not getting great rewards for their efforts are; in 10th place Azerbaijan with 68 tests per positive case; 9th PNG who have conducted 72 tests to record their 1 case; 8th Taiwan 102t/c; 7th Hong Kong 108t/c; 6th New Caledonia 110t/c; 5th United Arab Emirates 122t/c; 4th Russia 129t/c; 3rd Botswana 161t/c; 2nd Nepal 169t/c. In first place is Vietnam, having conducted 88551 tests, and registered 241 positive cases. Australia sits in 17th position with 52 tests/case.

The countries who are finding diamonds everywhere they dig (and just focussing on the big players) are; Italy conducting 5.4 tests for every positive case; USA 5.2t/c; Brazil 4.9t/c; Netherlands 4.2t/c; UK 4.1t/c; Belgium 3.6t/c; Iran 3.2t/c; Spain 2.7t/c. Taking the prize as the best at identifying a COVID case of all countries is San Marino with 2.2 tests conducted before finding a positive case. I make note of that, because the 2nd best in the world is France with 2.4t/c. A strong indicator that France, who is already 6th overall with 92839 total cases, may indeed have more cases just waiting to be tested.

Australia records a 4% increase today, and continues to hold 20th position on the overall table. While our position does appear to have stagnated somewhat, sadly our no-longer-participants continues to escalate. It is becoming more difficult to record and note their contribution on an individual basis. We are now at 37.

[ants]

Daily Update :

We welcome to the leaderboard the Democratic Republic of Sao Tome and Principe. This small island country off the coast of Gabon in Africa opens its account with 4 cases.

Joining the “Over 100” club today is Bangladesh. They burst through the mark with a strong 40% momentum. As this country is around the 8th most populated in the world, they may have a strong future in the competition, although they are a long way back at this stage.

Joining the “Millennial” club are Slovenia carrying 2% momentum, and Iraq carrying 7% momentum. There are now 61 countries in this club. This time last week there were only 43 members.

No changes at the top of the leaderboard today. It is worth noting that for the first time the USA have added more new cases then the rest of the Top 10 combined. Not that the US markets cared. The economy loves a Trump… for now.

The winner of the “Most Non-Improved” award today is Kyrgyzstan. This “stan” managed to add 69 {snigger} cases to bring their total up to 216 cases. The 47% momentum was sufficient for them to win the award today. If they would just start to fine learner drivers they might slow their momentum. Other notable efforts today that were given consideration included Niger 38%, Uzbekistan 34%, Belarus 25% and Pakistan with 19%.

Australia is out of the top 20. Lacking enthusiasm for the competition we could only record a 2.5% increase today. Russia rushes past with 18% momentum and takes 20th spot. It does now look as if any hopes of finishing within the top 20 are beyond us. Our number that matters is now at 45.

[Fragile Bird]

Good question.

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

10 minutes ago, Fragile Bird said:

Good question.

Vigilantly [mod post]:

This post is too short:

-3 pokeballs. And a rare candy! 

[Corvinus85]

18 hours ago, Spockydog said:

 

It was 50/50 for me between choosing the laughing emoji or the sad emoji, so I went with the natural option 3.

This is so that when you're sitting on the toilet with phone in hand, the correct ads for bowel movement aid pop up right there and then.

[Kalbear]

 

 

[maarsen]

6 hours ago, Corvinus85 said:

It was 50/50 for me between choosing the laughing emoji or the sad emoji, so I went with the natural option 3.

This is so that when you're sitting on the toilet with phone in hand, the correct ads for bowel movement aid pop up right there and then.

Can the sensor be spoofed with Froot Loops? 

[A True Kaniggit]

Whatever you do, please never try Captain Crunch.

That shit can cut the roof of your mouth.

Who knows what it would do to the other end.

[LongRider]

7 hours ago, Corvinus85 said:

This is so that when you're sitting on the toilet with phone in hand, the correct ads for bowel movement aid pop up right there and then.

No shit!        

[ants]

Daily Update :

There are no new entrants today. Instead we send a shout-out to the nations that have not yet joined the “Rona” Competition. In Africa we say hello to Cote d’Ivoire, Lesotho, and the island nation of Comoros. In Micronesia we give a big shout out to the islands of Kiribati, Marshall Islands, Nauru and Palau. In Polynesia we say aloha to Samoa, Tonga and Tuvalu. In Melanesia and we acknowledge Vanuatu and the Solomon Islands. From the Middle East we are yet to hear from Yemen. We have a couple of “stans” yet to get involved in Tajikistan and Turkmenistan. And from the region of “you lying bastards” we wave to North Korea, from a distance, but not in a way that might cause offence, but it probably did anyway.

There are no new members of the “Over 100” club today.

Joining the “Millennial” club today is the Republic of Moldova. Carrying a perfectly reasonable 9% momentum the Eastern European country is the 62nd member of the club. Checking the STREWTH 20/1000 INDEX™️ and they are pretty much on par with 22 losses to date.

Plenty going on up the top of the leaderboard today. France has put the foot down and taken 4th spot from Germany. They recorded a big 11% increase and added 11059 new cases. It takes them into 6 figures. Unfortunately they have overcooked it somewhat and have recorded their greatest number of losses in the 24 hour period. We note that Spain now have 0.3% of their population participating.

We continue to keep a close eye on the nations scrambling to get into the top 10, and Belgium (7%) have fallen an agonising 59 cases short of Switzerland (3%). Perhaps tomorrow.

We need to spend some time with the USA today. They have just cracked 400,000 total cases. They recorded 1970 losses in the past 24 hours, surpassing their previous record of 1330. New York alone would now be 1st, as it now has more cases than 2nd placed Spain. New Jersey would sit in 9th, Michigan 13th. They have another 10 states with more cases then Australia, including Georgia who carries 25% momentum. If Georgia were a country, they would have won the “Most Non-Improved” award today… easily. The state with the least number of cases is Alaska with 213, which would have it 108th in the world. The USA carry 9% momentum.

The winner of the “Most Non-Improved” award today is Russia. They have managed to add 1154 new cases in the past 24 hours to reach a total of 7497 cases. That’s 18% momentum, and a hefty number when sitting 20th on the leaderboard. They have reasonable top 10 aspirations. Brazil also worth mentioning today as they carried 15% momentum and overtake Austria for 14th spot.

Australia continues its slide down to 22nd today. We record a paltry 1.6% increase today. It was Norway that managed to take 21st spot from us, and I note that they already have dates for relaxing some of their containment measures. We do not appear to be competitive with our current measures, and it is unsurprising some wish to relax them. Our number that matters is now at 49.