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The Gallows Humor Thread

Fragile Bird

By Fragile Bird,
in General Chatter

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HexMachina Council Member

HexMachina

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13 hours ago, A True Kaniggit said:

Whatever you do, please never try Captain Crunch.

That shit can cut the roof of your mouth.

Who knows what it would do to the other end.

13 hours and not a single pun made of this? 

For shame westeros, for shame

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ants Council Member

ants

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Daily Update :

There are no new entrants today.

Joining the “Over 100” club today is Djibouti. The African nation delivered a very strong 50% increase in cases and now sits in 122nd position.

Joining the “Millennial” club today is the Republic of Belarus. With a 24% increase they move up to 63rd position. A check of the STREWTH 20/1000 INDEX™️ and they are well under with only 13 no-longer-participants to date. We flagged Belarus 4 days ago as being close to “Most Non-Improved” award with their leaders demonstrating the sort of attitude that will take you a long way in this competition. They sat in 81st place at that stage. Since then they have recorded increases of 28%, 25%, 23% and today the 24%. Most countries aren’t getting near those numbers because “learnings”. Not this nation. Worth noting though that their testing appears strong, with 42 tests completed per case identified. Still, one to continue to watch.

At the top of the leaderboard, and what is this! Germany (5%) say “no you don’t” and pull back in front of France (4%) to reclaim 4th spot. Spectacular move. I did not see that coming. The UK are making claims to being the European nation with the strongest form at present. They have been stuck in 8th place since late March, but are closing on Iran and China ahead of them. Unfortunately their increased effort has come at the loss of 938 participants in the last 24 hours, which is the 2nd highest behind USA.

It is with great fanfare we welcome back into the top 10 the nation of Belgium. Switzerland made a brave effort to hold them off, posting their biggest increase in cases since 2nd April. However it was insufficient, and Belgium reclaim 10th spot having lost it to Turkey on the 1st April. I suspect they plan to be a part of the top 10 for much longer than the 1 day they managed last time.

The winner of the “Most Non-Improved” award today is Peru. They won this award 3 days ago when they were sitting in 39th, and they have been even more dominant with their win today now sitting in 32nd. They have managed to add 1388 new cases in the past 24 hours to reach a total of 4342 cases. That’s a staggering 47% momentum. They are currently the 4th placed South American nation. However they are currently outperforming both Ecuador (11%) and Chile (8%) above them, with Brazil (15%) likely out of their league.

I thank @thedjr for drawing my attention to San Marino who have now lost 0.1% of their population to this virus. That is 1 in every 1000 people. I don’t know how many kids you had at your high school, but for me who had just over 1000. If that high school had San Marinos numbers I’d know 9 kids with the virus, and 1 who had lost the fight against it. In respect to this number, New York now has higher deaths per population than Spain or Italy.

Australia continues the slide into irrelevance. We record a 1.1% increase, and watch Ireland perform a spectacular solo on the wing and jig past us. We do however maintain 22nd spot as Norway must have had a public holiday and decided to conduct zero tests, and therefore recorded zero positives. Our number that matters is now at 50.

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The Marquis de Leech Council Member

The Marquis de Leech

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I went to the supermarket tonight (New Zealand is allowing Easter Sunday openings this year, though not Good Friday). Was amused to discover that the residual chocolate eggs on offer were either the expensive ones or Cadbury's (the cheaper non-Cadbury's stuff was already gone).

I bought the expensive ones, of course. Dunedin Does Not Buy Cadbury's.

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ants Council Member

ants

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Catching up on my copying across!

Daily Update :

There are no new entrants today.

Joining the “Over 100” club today is El Salvador. Carrying 11% momentum the central american nation is small but densely populated, so might have something to say in the handicap competition.

There are no new additions to the “Millennial” club today.

At the top of the leaderboard, and not much happening today. Turkey continues to carry the most momentum with 11%, followed by USA with 8% and UK with 7%.

The winner of the “Most Non-Improved” award today is Russia. With 17% momentum they break through past 10000 cases. Moving up to 18th spot, and plenty of climbing left to go. They are also running excellent efficiency, having only had 76 participants pull out of the competition. Really difficult call today for this award, as there are countries with greater momentum further down the leaderboard. Peru has 21% in 29th, Belarus carried 40% in 56th and Bangladesh carried 51% in 101st spot.

Today I thought we’d look back on the countries who got a mention in the first daily update of the last thread. Countries that entered the competition back then were Dominica, Grenada, Mozambique and Syria. Today all remain under 20 total cases. New to the “Over 100” club back then were Vietnam, Andorra, Faeroe Islands, North Macedonia, Morocco and Bosnia and Herzegovina. Faeroe Islands have added the least number of cases with a current total of 184. Morocco is the only one of that group to make the jump to the “Millennial club” so far with 1374 cases and carrying 8% momentum. New to the “Millennial” Club were Czechia, Israel, Turkey, and are a fine example of how some nations are going well, and others are not. Czechia now has 5569 cases, carries 5% momentum and sits in 28th spot. Israel now has 9968 cases, carries 6% momentum and sites in 19th spot. Turkey however has 42282 cases, carries 11% momentum and sits in 9th spot. Back then, Australia pushed into the top 20, and were carrying 26% momentum. However it was that day that we closed the pubs. A clear turning point as a great sadness swept across the land, and we lost our heart for this competition.

Australia racks up an even 100 new cases today with a 1.7% increase. Moving past us on the leaderboard is India who jump all the way up to 21st with 14% momentum. Norway return from their holiday to also complete the takeover maneuver. We now sit in 24th spot. Our number that matters is now at 51.

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ants Council Member

ants

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Daily Update :

We welcome to the leaderboard the Republic of Yemen. They are the last Middle East nation to join the competition. Not surprising given they have got a whole lot of other things to worry about. Never-the-less, the news that yesterday the Saudi-led coalition fighting the Houthi rebels had begun a ceasefire in order to focus on this competition just demonstrates the good that sport can do across the world.

Joining the “Over 100” club today is Guatemala. Carrying a very impressive 33% momentum they are not doing as well as I thought they might. Particularly given they only have Mexico between them and the Infected States of America.

The “Millennial” club welcome Hungary today. Well down the list given their prime position in Europe, they carry 21% momentum.

At the top of the leaderboard, and France has again overtaken Germany for 4th place. They have put a good 2500 cases on them this time, so it might be sufficient to hold the spot. The UK also are progressing and have made their way past the struggling Iran, with China in their sites perhaps as soon as tomorrow. With 13% momentum the UK are the strongest performer in the top 10 today.

The USA reach another milestone with 500000 total cases, 450000 of which are still active. They appear to be delighted that they have reached some sort of plateau, but I wouldn’t be so confident. Very tricksey these Americans. While New York might be at a plateau, they have plenty of other states that are just getting warmed up. They are the first country to lose 2000 participants in a 24 hour period.

The winner of the “Most Non-Improved” award today is Ecuador. Adding 2196 cases to reach a total of 7161, they leapfrog a whole bunch of nations into 23rd place. With 44% momentum, they are on quite a roll, and now sit 2nd in the South American category with only Brazil ahead of them.

Australia only manages 86 new cases today for a 1.4% increase. Moving past us on the leaderboard are the South American nations of Ecuador and Chile. We now sit in 26th spot. Our number that matters is now at 54.

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ants Council Member

ants

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Daily Update (Easter Sunday AEST):

There are no new entrants to the competition today.

Joining the “Over 100” club today is Madagascar. Skipper has the team in good form with 10% momentum. Private, Rico and Kowalski are all in good health as Madagascar have recorded no losses as yet.

It’s been a mad rush into the “Millennial” club today with 5 new members. Hong Kong just manage to get across the line carrying 1% momentum. Lithuania have joined with 3% momentum. Azerbaijan has made it with 7% momentum. Then things get a bit more serious with Bahrain at 12%, and Kuwait with 16%. There are a lot of big contenders in the Middle East part of the world.

There have been no changes at the top of the leaderboard today. Turkey is the only country carrying greater than 10% momentum. USA is the first country to have over 20000 no-longer-participants. Dr Birx notes that the rate of increase appeared to be stabilising in hard hit US regions, and went on to add that the US mortality rate was “significantly less than many of the other countries, when you correct them for our population”. Epic trash talk from the US. Indeed there are 14 nations who have a higher deaths/1M population. These countries are San Marino, Spain, Andorra, Italy, Belgium, France, Sint Maarten, Netherlands, UK Switzerland, Luxembourg, Sweden, Ireland and Bermuda. So let’s go with “some” rather than “many”, and acknowledge that the US has a long long long way to go before they slow down their rise up that ladder.

The winner of the “Most Non-Improved” award today is Uzbekistan. A bit of a reach this morning for something different. They have added 161 new cases overnight to reach a total of 767 cases. With 23% momentum, they were the only country in the top 100 to achieve over 20% today. Also performing strongly today towards the top of the leaderboard were Peru with 16% and Russia with 14%.

Australia puts a further 65 cases on the board for a 1.0% increase. We are getting used to watching other nations mosey on past, and today we give a nod to Poland and Peru. We now sit in 28th spot. Our number that matters is now at 56.

Edit : Japan numbers came in real late. They move past us on the leaderboard as well. Thanks @j_w for drawing my attention to it.

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ants Council Member

ants

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Daily Update :

There are no new entrants to the competition today.

Joining the “Over 100” club today is Mali. Carrying a strong 21% momentum they add a further 18 new cases today.

The “Millennial” club welcome Armenia with 5% momentum, and Bosnia and Herzegovina with 7% momentum.

At the top of the leaderboard and UK make their way past China into 6th place. They are also the 5th country to lose 10000 participants. A very slow day today, and even Turkey has fallen below 10% momentum.

The winner of the “Most Non-Improved” award today is Russia. They have performed strongly for some time now, and the award is well earned today. Adding an additional 2186 cases today they move past Austria into 16th spot. They carry 16% momentum and further close the gap on Brazil in 14th, and the elusive top 10. Much further down the leaderboard and Bangladesh put up an impressive 29% momentum, and Ghana an even more impressive 39% momentum. But I felt that Russia deserved the nod towards the top on a day where most were very quiet.

Australia put 10 new cases on the board. Did someone eat too many easter eggs and forget to report the numbers? Not even worth discussing our non-existent momentum. As noted yesterday, Japan stealthed their way past us at the last minute, and so we are now in 29th spot. Our number that matters is now at 59.

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