The Gallows Humor Thread

[Sharpes]

Some oldies but goodies

 

[dog-days]

3 hours ago, Sharpes said:

Some oldies but goodies

 

I've adored Stoffle the Honey Badger since I first saw him in a documentary years ago. He's got the right attitude to life. 

[ants]

Daily Update :

There are no new entrants to the competition today.

There are no new entrants to the “Over 100” club today.

The “Millennial” club welcome Kazakhstan. They have added 140 new cases for 15% momentum. It has been 18 days since Kazakhstan was welcomed into the “Over 100” club, so they have maintained just under that 14% momentum on average across almost 3 weeks.

At the top of the leaderboard there has been no change today. As the obstacles are increased, most nations are finding it difficult to excel. The greatest momentum in the top 10 is held by Turkey at 7%, followed by the UK on 5%. With things slowing, there are nations sitting outside the top 10 making ground. Russia put up the 7th most new cases in the world today, and sit in 15th spot carrying 16% momentum.

The winner of the “Most Non-Improved” award today is Peru. They are strong consistent performers, and are regularly mentioned with regards to this award. They previously won the award 5 days ago when in 32nd, and 3 days before that when in 39th. Today they have added another 2265 new cases (8th most in the world), to reach 9784 cases with 30% momentum. They climb to 23rd place in the rankings. I have previously indicated that I felt that Brazil was out of their league, as they are sitting in 14th place with 23000 cases. However Brazil has this strategy of not testing a great deal, and have only completed 63000 tests, which is around 2.7 tests to identify a positive case. Only France, Algeria, Andorra and San Marino have had to do less work to find a positive case. This compares with Peru having completed 87000 tests, or 8.9 tests per positive case, which is middle of the road for the competition. There may be opportunity here for a South American Title.

As a general commentary, the competition is facing some challenges at present. Opportunities to expand into new markets are drying up. Scoring appears to be drying up. Early on around 10% momentum was the norm, however now 10% looks like a big day for any given nation. Perhaps most dangerous are claims that “it’s not a competition”. We’d like to assure @chris_1993 that this is not a scripted pantomime, and the action is live and outcomes are very real.

Australia put 46 new cases on the board. This is an extraordinary 4.6 times as many new cases as we reported yesterday. It could be the 2nd wave! You just get the feeling that the next 24 hours is going to be absolutely critical, don’t you @saladin? Who said this competition wasn’t exciting. Alas, it is not enough to hold off Romania as they vault their way past us with perfect 10s (Hi Nadia Hi). We are now in 30th spot. Our number that matters is now at 61.

[Toth]

It took a freaking pandemic to bring back "If Google Was a Guy":

I'm genuinely surprised nobody googled for free Pornhub subscriptions.

[BigFatCoward]

In the next 8 weeks 85% of blondes will disappear off the face of the earth.

[ants]

Daily Update :

There are no new entrants to the competition today.

Storming into the “Over 100” club today is Jamaica Mon. To pass the 100 hundred mark they added 32 new cases, carrying 44% momentum. I am sure plenty of testing is underway to assess the effect of Bob Marley’s healing herb on the virus. Results pending.

The “Millennial” club today are Uzbekistan and Bangladesh. Uzbekistan have added 167 new cases, and carry a momentum of 17% today. It took them 17 days since joining the “Over 100” club to reach this mark, with an average momentum of about 15%. That’s a strong performance, but has been well surpassed by Bangladesh. They have added 209 new cases today, and carry a momentum of 26%. It has only taken them 9 days since joining the “Over 100” club to reach this mark, having carried an average 27% momentum during that time. They also find themselves on opposite sides of the STREWTH 20/1000 INDEX™️. While Uzbekistan have been quite efficient having only lost 4 participants, Bangladesh have lost 46.

At the top of the leaderboard there has been no change today. The USA crack 600000 total cases and have now conducted 3 million tests. New York has surpassed 200000 total cases. USAs tests per positive case have actually dropped over time. A week ago they were on average 5.2 tests to identify a positive case, whereas today they are at only 5 tests. It is somewhat surprising that they are finding it easier to identify a positive case as time progresses. Turkey continues to show the greatest momentum of the top 10, but it is reducing, today down to 6.7%.

The winner of the “Most Non-Improved” award today is Bangladesh, with their efforts documented earlier in this post. It was only a couple of days ago that Russia took the award just ahead of Bangladesh. Today I’ve awarded it the other way. Russia, for the record, continues to perform strongly with 15% momentum and may be eyeing off a top 10 spot within a couple of weeks.

Australia put 41 new cases on the board with 100% efficiency. Losing no participants is a great result! We wave royally to Mary, Crown Princess of Denmark, as her carriage carries her across the lego bridge and right over the top of us. It pushes us out of the top 30 for the first time since we entered the competition. Make no mistake, we are going backwards.

[ants]

Daily Update :

There are no new entrants to the competition today.

We thought Jamaica made an impressive entry into the “Over 100” club yesterday. Well today the Democratic Republic of the Congo have outdone them. Carrying 58% momentum they have added 42 new cases overnight to take their total to 117.

There are no new entrants to the “Millennial” club today.

At the top of the leaderboard there has been no change today. The USA have again added more new cases in the 24 hours than the other top 10 nations combined. Despite talk of the numbers plateauing, New York have recorded 11525 new cases in the 24 hours, which I believe is a new record for them. Carrying the most momentum in the top 10 today is Belgium with 8%. They will need to continue to put in big efforts to hold position as they look over their shoulder and see that Brazil has put in a 13% effort to climb from 14th up to 11th and are ready to pounce. Just under 5000 cases now separating the two countries.

The winner of the “Most Non-Improved” award today is Cabo Verde. It is unusual for us to look this far down the leaderboard when presenting this award. However this performance is difficult to ignore. Cabo Verde entered this competition on the 20th March. Since then they have added a case here and there, with the most cases they have added in any one day being 2. So yesterday Cabo Verde had 11 cases in total, and were quite relaxed about it all. Today they wake up to an additional 45 cases, carrying a momentum of 409%. That rockets them 38 positions up the leaderboard and into 148th spot. Good Morning Cabo Verde. Other contenders today were Russia with another 16% momentum, and Bangladesh with another 22% momentum.

Australia put 47 new cases on the board. We maintain 31st spot for the time being, but looking over our shoulder and some of the big potential players are moving up. Pakistan, the 5th most populous nation are only 64 cases behind us in 32nd. Mexico, the 10th most populous nation and sharing a border with the Infected States of America are in 35th. Philippines, the 13th most populous nation are in 36th. Indonesia, the 4th most populous nation are in 38th. Considering that, there is an argument to say that the competition is just getting warmed up. Our number that matters is now at 63.

[Kalbear]

Fantasies in the time of Covid-19. OMG You're wearing PANTS

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2020/04/16/youre-wearing-pants-tell-me-more/

 

[Toth]

Since from Monday onwards school will start again, but we have to adhere to hygiene standards we aren't equipped for... well, I am scrolling the internet to find face masks... I wonder what the reaction of my students will be if I enter the classroom with this one: https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/61hIVp%2BIdOL._AC_SL1200_.jpg

[ants]

Q: What borders on stupidity?

.

A: Canada and Mexico

[ants]

Daily Update :

There are no new entrants to the competition today.

There are no new entrants to the “Over 100” club today.

Joining the “Millennial” club today are the Sultanate of Oman and the Republic of North Macedonia. Both countries are running around 11-12% momentum and surpass 1000 cases at a fairly normal pace. Checking the STREWTH 20/1000 INDEX™️ and Oman have been quite efficient having only lost 4 participants, whereas North Macedonia have lost 46.

At the top of the leaderboard there has been no change today. However, while there hasn’t been a lot of movement on the leaderboard, there are some milestones being met.

USA now has 0.2% of its population participating. They are the 20th country to reach this milestone.

France has today added 17164 new cases, to now sit just under 4000 cases behind Italy. The battle for 3rd place is on. France have this habit of having days where they spike their new cases so significantly that it affects the worldwide totals. Todays worldwide new cases is the 2nd most, only behind the 3rd April, which was the last time France spiked their numbers and recorded 23060 cases in a day.

In Belgium the desperate fight to hold on to 10th place has come at a massive cost. In Belgium they have lost 14% of their participants. In regards to deaths per population they are now 3rd in the world, behind Andorra and San Marino. I suspect they will overtake Andorra tomorrow.

While Belgium are losing 14% of participants, Algeria are losing 15%. The key difference is that Algeria are not testing. For every 3 tests they complete, they are finding two positive cases. So while Algeria are currently placed 55th in the overall competition, their rate of loss is more reflective of a country just outside the top 20. Algeria currently sit 4th in the African category, but they are an excellent chance of winning that category if they increase their testing.

Russia continue to climb, moving up to 14th today, carrying 14% momentum. They are now favourites to knock Belgium out of the top 10.

We don’t talk about India much, as their numbers are quite low given their population size, and their momentum is only at about 9%. However they are quietly climbing the leaderboard, and now sit in 18th spot.

Bangladesh continue to perform strongly. They have moved up another 8 spots to 62nd position, carrying 28% momentum.

The winner of the “Most Non-Improved” award today is Singapore. With 728 new cases overnight they carry 20% momentum. From a country that was very quiet and in control, they have now got themselves on quite a roll. They have moved up 4 places to 41st position.

Australia put 21 new cases on the board. We fall to 32nd spot as Pakistan bowl past us carrying 8% momentum. Our number that matters stays at 63.

[Buckwheat]

2 hours ago, Toth said:

Since from Monday onwards school will start again, but we have to adhere to hygiene standards we aren't equipped for... well, I am scrolling the internet to find face masks... I wonder what the reaction of my students will be if I enter the classroom with this one: https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/61hIVp%2BIdOL._AC_SL1200_.jpg

That would be amazing.

[Zoë Sumra]

Parenting in a pandemic is fun. TV schedule is getting looser by the day. Level of pestering of local bugs and minibeasts is tempered only by DD1's fear of bees.

Me, earlier, spilling tea on my thigh: "Damn!"

DD2, in earnest echo: "Damn!"

(She had apparently forgotten the word by the time her father came home from work. I await her recollection of it while on the phone to her grandparents.)

[ants]

Daily Update :

There are no new entrants to the competition today.

We welcome 3 new entrants to the “Over 100” club today. The African nations of Tanzania, Somalia and Gabon all join the club together, and all are carrying serious momentum. Gabon added 28 new cases, and carry 35% momentum. Somalia added 36 new cases, and carry 45% momentum. But both were bettered by Tanzania who managed 53 new cases with 56% momentum.

Joining the “Millennial” club today is the Slovak Republic. They join with a mild 72 new cases and carrying 7% momentum. With 9 losses to date they are maintaining good efficiency. Still well behind their old mates over in Czechia, but there is plenty of time yet.

At the top of the leaderboard there has been no change today. The USA however break the 700000 cases barrier. The UK surpassed the 100000 case barrier yesterday. Spain now have 0.4% of their population participating, but have lost more than 20000 participants. Turkey carries the most momentum with 6%.

Belgium are coming under increasing pressure to maintain 10th spot. Brazil move 1600 cases closer, now only 2456 cases behind. Russia jump up to 12th spot now and are only 1674 cases behind Brazil. Russia is carrying the greater momentum at 15%, while Brazil is only at 10%, chasing a fading Belgium at 4%. If any country can outperform during this time of surveillance and contact tracing, it should be Russia. Google and Apple are just newcomers to this game.

The winner of the “Most Non-Improved” award today is Russia. That 15% momentum is significant given where they sit on the leaderboard. If they can maintain that as they enter the top 10, that will make them a force to be reckoned with. Russia do have a very organised “exponential” curve when plotting their daily new cases. No peak has shown yet. Djibouti went close today carrying 24% momentum down in 84th place. Bangladesh was also given consideration carrying 17% momentum in 58th place.

Australia put 65 new cases on the board. Last time we put up this sort of number was 6 days ago. That effort is still not enough to stop our slide down the table as we fall to 34th spot. Czechia creep past us with 2% momentum, and Saudi Arabia are appropriately lubricated as they slide past us carrying an impressive 12% momentum. Our number that matters has climbed to 65.

[ants]

Daily Update :

There are no new entrants to the competition today.

We welcome Ethiopia to the “Over 100” club today. They are the 27th African nation joining this club, so the competition is starting to generate a lot of interest on this continent. Today South Africa have entered the top 50 overall, and have taken the lead in the African competition, displacing Egypt.

Joining the “Millennial” club today is Cameroon. Limping into the club they only added 21 new cases. If they had’ve entered the club yesterday they would be on par with the index, however they lost another 20 participants and now have 42 no-longer-participants.

At the top of the leaderboard and Turkey has overtaken Iran into 8th place, carrying 5% momentum. Iran has been slowly tailing away and carries only 1.7% momentum today. The UK carry the most momentum in the top 10 today with 5.1%.

The race for 10th is about to be resolved, with the gap to Belgium being whittled down to nothing overnight. Due to illness we are a bit understaffed today, so have engaged the @nocturnal consultancy to run the numbers. We have Brazil put up 0.09% momentum, and are now only 4.61 cases behind 0.10th. However while it was sufficient to close on Belgium, it was not enough to hold out Russia. Russia move up to 0.11th spot, and are only 3.90 cases away from claiming 10th spot.

The winner of the “Most Non-Improved” award today is Ghana. Adding 193 new cases today they carry 30% momentum and move up 8 spots to 83rd on the leaderboard. Singapore strong again today with 18% momentum. Saudi Arabia, fresh from overtaking us carry 16% momentum.

Australia put 53 new cases on the board today. That isn’t enough to hold our spot and Mexico Ándale! Ándale! Epa! Epa! their way past us. We slide down to 35th. Our number that matters has raced to 70.

[Darth Richard II]

Do these protests remind anyone else of something that would happen in a Goodkind novel?

[Which Tyler]

6 hours ago, ants said:

The race for 10th is about to be resolved, with the gap to Belgium being whittled down to nothing overnight. Due to illness we are a bit understaffed today, so have engaged the @nocturnal consultancy to run the numbers. We have Brazil put up 0.09% momentum, and are now only 4.61 cases behind 0.10th. However while it was sufficient to close on Belgium, it was not enough to hold out Russia. Russia move up to 0.11th spot, and are only 3.90 cases away from claiming 10th spot.

I thought Australia understood the metric system? or is @nocturnal a visitor from Stateside?

[ants]

1 hour ago, Which Tyler said:

I thought Australia understood the metric system? or is @nocturnal a visitor from Stateside?

I'm pretty sure Nocturnal is Australian.  He certainly posts on the site, and that is an Australian sporting team's message board that I copy these from. 

But what makes you think he's used anything except metric? Albeit, with some odd placement of decimal points!

[ants]

I missed copying over yesterday's:

Daily Update :

There are no new entrants to the competition today.

Myanmar join the “Over 100” club today, carrying a very reasonable 13% momentum. Just the mention of Myanmar brings back memories of sitting on a barely safe verandah overlooking another valley with far too steep sides while sipping the very drinkable Myanmar lager. Good times.

Joining the “Millennial” club today are Ghana and Cuba. Cuba make a very relaxed entry carrying 5% momentum. Ghana however are starting to make a name for themselves. Fresh off picking up the “Most Non-Improved” award yesterday, and they enter this club carrying 25% momentum. They added the most new cases of any African nation today, and currently sit 5th in the African category. Checking the STREWTH 20/1000 INDEX™️ and it is perhaps the opposite of what might be expected. Cuba have 34 losses, and Ghana have been very efficient with only 9.

At the top of the leaderboard and plenty has happened today. Turkey, having overtaken Iran yesterday, now move past China and into 7th spot on the leaderboard. It has been a meteoric rise from Turkey. From way back on the 19th of March when they joined the “Over 100” club with 95% momentum, through until now has been a hell of a ride. While I don’t wish to suggest that Turkey is cooked, they will find it difficult to move any higher up the leaderboard now. In front of them are the USA, and the European 5.

Belgium finally succumbs to the chasing pack, and give up 10th position. Brazil move past them with 5% momentum. However Russia has beaten them to it, and carry a very impressive 16% momentum. There will be plenty of teams in the top 10 concerned with what Russia are going to do. Russian efficiency has been excellent, having only lost 361 participants to date. In comparison, USA has just ticked over 40000, which sadly reduces the number of people that are still around to sue China.

The winner of the “Most Non-Improved” award today is between Russia and Ghana, both mentioned above. We have given the award to Russia. With the 2nd most new cases in the world today, and carrying momentum in the double figures while in the top 10, their performance is very hard to go past.

Australia put 26 new cases on the board. We fall to 36th place as we watch the United Arab Emirates fly past carrying 8% momentum. @j_w asked for my take on our rivalry with Czechia. Think of it as if Czechia are EFC, and Australia are North Melbourne. While we might think it is important, Czechia probably don’t even remember who we are. It would be much better for us to focus on enjoying the Italian Renaissance stage of the competition. Our number that matters is 71.

[ants]

Daily Update :

There are no new entrants to the competition today.

Joining the “Over 100” club today is the Republic of the Sudan. A very impressive entry with 41 new cases and carrying a momentum of 62%. Yesterday they added zero cases. The day before 33 new cases. So there could very well be something worth happening in the Sudan. With a population of 44 million, there is plenty of potential here.

Afghanistan join the “Millennial” club today. A quiet 3% momentum sees them into 4 figures. They have had 36 losses at this stage, so on the inefficient side of the ledger.

At the top of the leaderboard and Iran pass the historical mark set by China back when they were serious about this competition. So Iran now in 8th position, carrying a small 1.6% momentum. Russia continue to carry the most momentum in the top 10 with 10%. Also worth noting they ticked over 2 million tests completed today. They have worked very hard to find their positive cases, needing to complete 43 tests to find one positive. A clear case of a country that has both massive potential, but also a willingness to work hard to be elite. That is a massive number when compared with the rest of the top 10, where the next best is Germany with 12 tests per positive case. France are the 4th country to record over 20000 no-longer-participants.

The winner of the “Most Non-Improved” award today is Tanzania. The African nation added 84 new cases at a momentum of 49%. Interestingly, their near neighbour Somalia came in with 45%. On the other hand their next door neighbour Burundi have chosen to withdraw from the competition at this stage. Interesting. Belarus went close today with their “31%” momentum. However they have been disqualified due to not recording a case the day before.

There are 3 nations who have withdrawn from the competition to date. Burundi, who racked up 5 cases and 1 loss. Mauritania who racked up 7 cases and 1 loss. And finally Greenland who racked up 11 cases with zero losses.

@wimmera1 has requested that Australia select a sister state. @bullwinkle has suggested Texas due to population and density. However Texas sits 10th on the US leaderboard, has recorded 19822 cases to date and is still adding over 500 cases per day. About the only interest Texas has in us is whether they could pay us to take some oil off their hands.

If we compare total cases, then North Carolina sitting 20th on the US leaderboard is sitting at 6867 total cases. Even then, with 4% momentum and 210 losses they look set to continue to advance well beyond our position. If we compared cases per population, then all US states are well above our 260 cases per 1million population. The closest is Hawaii with 408 cases/1m pop. At least they are an island, so we have that in common. However with only 584 cases in total, they are a bit below us.

As such, we shall take @Albert_Thurgood suggestion of Delaware, based off total losses. Delaware currently have 2745 cases. They added 207 new cases in the past 24 hours at a momentum of 8%. Their number that matters is 72. They currently sit 33rd on the US leaderboard.

Australia put 13 new cases on the board today. That is our smallest increase since April 12th. We fall to 39th place as a group of countries move past. Indonesia moved slowly past with 3% momentum. Serbia a bit quicker carrying 5%. It was Singapore that gave us windburn though, carrying 22% momentum. Two weeks ago they had a total of 1375 cases. Today they add 1426 new cases to reach a total of 8014 cases.

Today we acknowledge that we are looking for a way to withdraw from this competition, as the cost of competing is too high during this recession. With that in mind we shall commence tracking our HAPP-IE index, which today sits on 2296. Our number that matters stays at 71.