The Gallows Humor Thread

[DMC]

I'm just thankful Beto O'Rourke isn't our nominee.  Most politicians that are afraid of the camera are doing this type of shit.  Can you imagine what Mr. Oversharing My Boring Ass Road Trip would be like right now?

[A Horse Named Stranger]

32 minutes ago, DMC said:

I'm just thankful Beto O'Rourke isn't our nominee.  Most politicians that are afraid of the camera are doing this type of shit.  Can you imagine what Mr. Oversharing My Boring Ass Road Trip would be like right now?

My guess would be sharing a youtube jam session with Nickelback.

[Fragile Bird]

7 minutes ago, A Horse Named Stranger said:

My guess would be sharing a youtube jam session with Nickelback.

That was just mean, you meanie! Mean to Nickelback, not Beto.

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

Beat me to it. My guesses would be either some kind of jam session or him reading the poetry he wrote in college. 

Although he could also do a one man play.

Maybe Ted Cruz can recreate his mime work for us? 

[A Horse Named Stranger]

1 hour ago, Tywin et al. said:

Beat me to it. My guesses would be either some kind of jam session or him reading the poetry he wrote in college. 

Although he could also do a one man play.

Maybe Ted Cruz can recreate his mime work for us? 

Ted Cruz mime work?

Mime as in Marcel Marceau? So bascially a silent clown with a whitened Ted Cruz face?

Thanks for the nightmares, at least I now know for a fact King's inspiration for Penny Vice.

Dolly Parton and Michelle Obama read bedtime stories to little children, and you come up with that nightmare.

[horangi]

3 hours ago, Tywin et al. said:

I know the low pay of working for a Senator, but the CoS makes pretty good money, and a lot of staffers are blue bloods who have plenty of money in their families. I mean I could be wrong, but I don’t think people with his kind of money would have a kitchen like that.

ETA: But then again, he did make that disgust “sandwich” so maybe he’s a man of simple tastes. I will say though if that’s his place, his wife isn’t living there.

Funny enough, I had that exact same Microwave/Stove in my house in the DMV.  Dollars to doughnuts the microwave handle is superglued on.  Perhaps ol' Mark is a man of my own kind- just lazy enough to grab the superglue after breaking it off for umpteenth time on a midnight munchie run rather than go through the hassle of replacing it with a new unit. 

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

1 hour ago, A Horse Named Stranger said:

Ted Cruz mime work?

Mime as in Marcel Marceau? So bascially a silent clown with a whitened Ted Cruz face?

Thanks for the nightmares, at least I now know for a fact King's inspiration for Penny Vice.

Dolly Parton and Michelle Obama read bedtime stories to little children, and you come up with that nightmare.

I thought you knew. It's real.

[ants]

Seems, I've missed a few "weekly updates" when I was searching the COVID19 thread on Bomberblitz for "daily update".  My bad for not reading the thousand odd posts a day in that thread....

Weekly Update – Part 4 :

There are no new entrants to the competition today.

Joining the “Over 100” club today is the Republic of Liberia. Just the 2 new cases today to move from 99 up to 101 total cases.

There are no new entrants to the “Millennial” club today.

At the top of the leaderboard and there are no changes today. Milestones include the USA passing 800000 cases. Iran now has 0.1% participation. Italy has just ticked over 0.3% participation, and has surpassed 400 losses per million population. Sweden have entered the top 20 today, and carry a very poor efficiency currently having lost 11.5% of participants.

The winner of the “Most Non-Improved” award today is Nigeria. The 7th most populous country in the world has been on a very slow burn, but are starting to gain some momentum now. They joined the “Over 100” club way back on the 30th March and sat in 103rd position. On the 14th April, they still held 103rd spot, but now they are climbing. Today they carry 18% momentum which gains them another 4 spots and has them sitting in 87th position. They have a total of 782 cases, that have come at the cost of 25 participants. They have conducted an average of 10 tests to find a positive case. However that has come down from 15 a week ago. They have conducted only 39 tests per million population. That is the 5th lowest recorded in the world, and behind every nation above them on the leaderboard. One to watch.

We look to our sister state in the US. Delaware have added a further 186 cases overnight carrying 7% momentum, at the cost of 10 more participants. They maintain 33rd on the US leaderboard. They have a HaPP-IE index of 2284. Their number that matters is 82.

Australia put 20 new cases on the board today, at 0.3% momentum. We fall to 40th place as Belarusians try to live with the fruits of their leaders decisive do nothing approach to the virus. Our HaPP-IE index, has fallen by 407 today and now sits on 1889. At present, 159 countries have a lower HaPP-IE index then we do, but only China sit above us on the leaderboard. Our number that matters stays at 71.

[ants]

Daily Update :

There are no new entrants to the competition today.

Joining the “Over 100” club today is the Island of Aruba. They score 3 new cases to crack the century and sit on an even 100 cases. They are the first of the Dutch Caribbean Islands to make this club. We also welcome French Guiana who carry 10% momentum across the line.

The “Millennial” club welcome the Republic of Bulgaria today. They add 49 new cases and carry 5% momentum. Albania and Montenegro are the two remaining countries in the Balkans that are yet to join this club (given that Kosovo is not listed on the leaderboard).

At the top of the leaderboard and there are no changes today. Russia continues to carry the most momentum at 10%. The highest change on the leaderboard today was Ecuador moving past South Korea to claim 26th spot.

The winner of the “Most Non-Improved” award today is Singapore. In what was a very low momentum day across the board, Singapore have put up 11%. This carries them past the 10000 case mark.

The country with the most momentum today was Burundi with 120%. It was only 2 days ago we listed them as one of three nations who had withdrawn from the competition. They find today that their 0 active cases has risen to 6, and they have now had 11 total cases. Regarding withdrawals, St Barth, and Saint Lucia have withdrawn from the competition.

We look to our sister state in the US. Delaware have added a further 269 cases overnight carrying 9% momentum, at the cost of 7 more participants. They maintain 33rd on the US leaderboard. They have a rising HaPP-IE index of 2512. Their number that matters is 89. In other news from over there, New York have surpassed 20000 no-longer-participants.

@Wanderlust was kind enough to ask for further detail regarding the HaPP-IE index. This index is linked by a complicated equation to the number of active cases. The equation is HaPP-IE Index = Active Cases. The intention of the index is to indicate how close a nation is to being free of the virus and withdrawing from the competition. The acronym HaPP-IE stands for “ Have a Pint at the Pub – Invite Everyone”.

Australia put 4 new cases on the board today. This is our lowest number of new cases since March 6th when we had a total of 63 cases. We fall out of the top 40 to 42nd place as the Philippines position themselves just north of us with a momentum of 2%. Qatar have decent momentum carrying 9% to also overtake us. Our HaPP-IE index, has fallen by 234 today and now sits on 1655, which moves us in front of another 3 nations in the race to zero (Finland, Greece, Kuwait). Our number that matters climbs to 74.

[A Horse Named Stranger]

16 hours ago, Tywin et al. said:

I thought you knew. It's real.

No, I didn't. Or I decided to forget it. I thought him being the time travelling Zodiac Killer was the creepiest thing about Ted Cruz.

However the describtion Christian mime. I have so many questions.

What did his performances look like? Did he stand there, the chin pushed on his breast, with arms wide open, to mimic the look of a crucified Jesus? Did he perform in front of abortion clinics as form of silent protest, and point to the belly of young women heading that direction with that Kevin home alone facial expression (still with the Ted Cruz face).

Did he wear his mime make up when he killed those couples in the 1960s?

I am so confused.

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

3 hours ago, A Horse Named Stranger said:

No, I didn't. Or I decided to forget it. I thought him being the time travelling Zodiac Killer was the creepiest thing about Ted Cruz.

However the describtion Christian mime. I have so many questions.

What did his performances look like? Did he stand there, the chin pushed on his breast, with arms wide open, to mimic the look of a crucified Jesus? Did he perform in front of abortion clinics as form of silent protest, and point to the belly of young women heading that direction with that Kevin home alone facial expression (still with the Ted Cruz face).

Did he wear his mime make up when he killed those couples in the 1960s?

I am so confused.

I think he killed a mime and decided to wear its face. He just pulled the skin back really tight she his features would remain.

[Which Tyler]

 

 

[ants]

Lol, love that how dense it is one!

_________________________________________________________________________

Daily Update :

There are no new entrants to the competition today.

Joining the “Over 100” club today is the Republic of Maldives. They score 22 new cases and carry a strong 26% momentum. The smallest Asian country is putting in an effort.

The “Millennial” club welcome Côte d’Ivoire (Ivory Coast). They add 52 new cases and carry 5% momentum. Having only had 14 losses to date, they are running reasonably efficiently.

At the top of the leaderboard and there are no changes today. Russia, having made the top 10, is now losing momentum quite quickly. While they do continue to have the most momentum in the top 10, it has fallen to 8%. Turkey hit the 6 figures and surpass 100000 participants. The highest change on the leaderboard today was India (8%) surpassing Portugal (2%) to claim 16th spot.

The winner of the “Most Non-Improved” award today is Mexico. It is getting very difficult to separate nations now, as the controls being put in place by most governments are creating significant headwinds. Mexico today carry 11% momentum. They add 1043 new cases, and break through the 10000 case barrier. Mexico are one of the countries whose curves do appear to remain exponential (oh yes I went there). Their efficiency recently has been terrible, having added 258 no-longer-participants to their total of 970 in just the last two days. Other countries in the “Millennial” club that carry over 10% momentum include Singapore, Belarus, Bangladesh and Cameroon.

We thank @Albert_Thurgood for his excellent post pointing out the deficiencies of the HaPP-IE index. Having given the mathematics great consideration we have implemented appropriate modifications to our system.

So, regarding the HaPP-IE not-an-index, I thought it worth bringing attention to how the top 10 were looking. Countries that still have a rising HaPP-IE include Russia, UK and the USA. We can expect these countries to continue to out perform. Countries still increasing, but appear to be slowing and reaching the apex are Spain, Turkey and France. Countries that have a decreasing HaPP-IE are Iran and Germany, indicating that they are going to find it difficult to hold position on the leaderboard. China are really low now, reflective of their fall from the top of the leaderboard. I make special note of Italy who appear to be over the apex and have been reducing their HaPP-IE for the past 5 days. Not that we like to be biased in our commentary, but Bravo! Italy. It gives hope to all.

We look to our sister state in the US. Delaware have added a reduced 108 cases overnight carrying 3% momentum. They maintain 33rd on the US leaderboard. They have a rising HaPP-IE not-an-index of 2573. Their number that matters rises by 3 to 92. In other news from over there, New Jersey is the 2nd state to surpass 100000 participants.

Australia put 18 new cases on the board today. While that does seem high given our 4 yesterday, we have only recorded less than that 3 times since March 12th. We fall to 43rd place as Ukraine head past us today carrying 9%. Our HaPP-IE not-an-index, has fallen by 108 today and now sits on 1547, which moves us in front of another 2 nations (Hungary, Kazakhstan). Our number that matters is now 75.

 

And for completeness sake, I copied across Albert's post:

Hah. Love your work, @samwoods

However, your number is not an index. It needs to be referenced to something, and here it makes most sense if that something is “recovered cases”. You can invite your mates to the pub when your index is zero (for a currently uncertain amount of time).

So with this suggestion, the world index is 2.4. Some small countries already have a zero index. China’s is 0.013. I will leave it to you if you want to run with this, but just point out our index is 0.34 compared to the US’s 8.5.  The worst performing country - whose identity may surprise you - has an awful index of 222.5!  The UK and Netherlands surprisingly do not declare recovered cases so no pint at the pub for them.

[maarsen]

5 hours ago, Which Tyler said:

 

 

I think the first refers to China and the second refers to the US. Very concise and very funny if one is not dense. 

[Trebla]

This is tremendous. The argument online is whether to add the music to Curb Your Enthusiasm or VEEP to it.

 

[maarsen]

4 hours ago, Trebla said:

This is tremendous. The argument online is whether to add the music to Curb Your Enthusiasm or VEEP to it.

 

The look on her face as Trump speaks is priceless. "Is he suggesting we stick UV lamps up our asses? Bleach? Injecting bleach??"

[Week]

2 minutes ago, Jaxom 1974 said:

Jesus people, everyone knows the hot dog was perfected in Chicago, along with pizza.  End of story.  /close thread, covid over...

Some truly dark humor.

[Bael's Bastard]

11 hours ago, Trebla said:

This is tremendous. The argument online is whether to add the music to Curb Your Enthusiasm or VEEP to it.

 

"Hello Darkness My Old Friend . . ."

[Jaxom 1974]

8 hours ago, Week said:

Some truly dark humor.

The dark humors taste the best. It is known.

[ants]

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