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Fragile Bird

The Gallows Humor Thread

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A bit delayed (by me) copying it across: 

Daily Update :

We welcome to the leaderboard today the nations of Burundi and Sierra Leone. The two African nations have taken their time getting on board, but there still seems to be plenty of time to have an impact.

Joining the “Over 100” club today are Bolivia (10%), Kyrgyzstan (14%) and Montenegro (20%). The big mover in this section of the ladder was the Caribbean Island of Martinique with a 37% increase.

Joining the “Millennial” club today is Mexico (10%), Peru (12%) and the Dominican Republic (23%). The biggest mover though was Argentina who recorded a further 234 cases to carry 28% momentum. That’s 47 countries that are now a part of this club. Checking performance against the STREWTH 20/1000 INDEX™️, and all of these countries show over 20 no-longer-participants indicating they potentially have some participants who just need to be tested. Dominican Republic lead the way here with 51 no-longer-participants. This nation of beautiful people have extremely rich tourist areas that Americans like to frequent, and very poor almost everything else.

To the top of the leaderboard and we have a new entrant into the Top 10. You’ll never guess. Yes, it is Turkey, finally forcing their way in carrying a strong 25% momentum. It was only a couple of weeks ago that they joined the “Over 100” club. They now have 13531 cases. They kick out Belgium, who kicked out Netherlands the day before. However the top 10 does appear to be very strong now. Switzerland in 9th appear most vulnerable, and it is probably going to be between Canada (15%), Portugal (16%) or Brazil (23%) to see who it is that pushes them out.

The USA powers on. A further 15% added to the new cases. They are pushing hard, losing a number of participants equal to Spain in the 24 hours, only behind Italy. They are now 82000 cases clear of 2nd place. Spain is the best placed top 10 country in the handicap competition, and now has 0.2% of its population registered.

The “Most Non-Improved” award today goes to the Philippines. Carrying 35% momentum is a strong effort when sitting in 33rd place on the leaderboard. Also performing strongly today was Russia with a 27% effort from 27th place, and Cameroon with a 39% effort from 90th place.

In Australia, and we have registered a 7% increase again today. We maintain 19th position. We are putting in a fair effort in this competition. When looking at the quantity of no-longer-participants, there is no country above us with less recorded, and there are 27 countries below us with more recorded. Further, using the STREWTH 20/1000 INDEX™️ it gives us some guidance as to our level of effort. Having documented our 20th no-longer-participant overnight, we now look at our total cases and are sitting at 4763. This is well above the 1000 par, and indicates that we have strong testing when compared with other competitors. Looking ahead, it is not expected that there are any easy gains for us. We shall have to do it the old fashioned way, with cruise ships.

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17 hours ago, Fragile Bird said:

Since all the public libraries are closed, I'm checking you out instead!

 

 

This is a good one.  It's topical and inching toward elite level lines like 'You know it's dangerous for you to be in the frozen food section...'

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Daily Update :

We welcome to the leaderboard today the Caribbean Netherlands. Seems like everyone has an island or two in the Caribbean. Weather is great, so why not.

Joining the “Over 100” club today are the Democratic Republic of the Congo (11%) and Mayotte (7%).

Joining the “Millennial” club today is Colombia (17%) and Serbia (18%). Singapore have also finally made this club. Their 74 new cases puts them smack on 1000 total cases. Very efficient. When assessing against the STREWTH 20/1000 INDEX™️, Serbia have lost 28 participants indicating there may be additional untested cases about. Colombia (17) comes in under the mark, and of course Singapore (3) with exceptional personnel maintenance.

To the top of the leaderboard and we have no change in placings. The top momentum carriers are Turkey with 16%, and UK with 17%. Spain is hunting Italy now for Silver. It won’t be long. We noted yesterday that Spain had 0.2% of its population registered. Today Switzerland have also reached that mark, sitting them 8th and 9th in the handicap respectively.

The USA powers on. A further 14% added to the new cases. Today they cracked the 1000 lost in a 24 hour period. They are now 104000 cases clear of 2nd place, and have more total cases than Italy and Spain combined.

The “Most Non-Improved” award today goes to India. They carry 43% momentum and move up 4 spots on the leaderboard to 35th. They added 601 new cases in the past 24 hours, which is the sort of performance expected from those inside the top 20. Nobody else got close, although it is worth noting Brazil put up a 20% effort. Both countries have potential for bigger things.

@bigallan requested that we look at the death rate per capita of Western European countries. Bit of a morbid question mate, but I’m happy to help. At the bottom of the pile is Liechtenstein, who currently has zero losses and remains in the Dominoes competition. Czechia has 4 losses per 1 million population. Germany 11, Austria 16, Ireland 17, Monaco 25, UK 35, Luxembourg 46 and Switzerland with 56 losses per million population. To the big three, and 3rd is France with 62, the Netherlands on 68, but outdoing them all is Belgium with 71. For a worldwide comparison, San Marino is at 825 and Italy sits on 218, with Spain not far behind on 201. Cheers.

In Australia, and we have registered a reduced 6% increase today. We maintain 19th position. Unfortunately we have our worst 24 hours for losses so far with 3 participants leaving the team. So keep praying Mr Prime Minister. Oh and keep doing all that other stuff you are doing to. I’m sure somewhere in there something will help.

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And I've caught up again:

Daily Update :

We welcome to the leaderboard today the Republic of Malawi. Finally “the Warm Heart of Africa” join us. This country used to be known as Nyasaland until it gained its independence from Britain in 1964, just in case someone is now going, “oh, that place”.

Joining the “Over 100” club today is Kenya. A real African feel going on today.

The “Millennial” club today welcome Croatia (5%) and the United Arab Emirates (26%). Both countries are coming in very low on the STREWTH 20/1000 INDEX™️ with less than 10 losses to date.

To the top of the leaderboard and Germany carrying 9% momentum move into 4th place overall past the unbelievably stagnant China. We acknowledge French losses today, as they lose 1355 participants, albeit with some adjustments to reporting being the primary cause of that. We acknowledge Spain who have passed the 10000 loss mark. The greatest momentum though is still held by the usual suspects with USA 14%, UK, 14.5% and Turkey 15%.

We flagged a battle for 10th spot was brewing the other day. It does appear that Portugal are no longer serious contenders. Canada though maintains strong claims with 16% momentum and are about 7500 cases behind, and Brazil also maintains about 17% momentum but are 10000 cases behind. Both chasing Switzerland I reckon.

The “Most Non-Improved” award today goes to Belarus. We don’t normally travel this far down the leaderboard for this award, however when you carry 86% momentum, it does get noticed. The additional 141 cases takes their total to 304. They started the day in 103rd spot, and finish it in 86th. Other notable performances were from India with 27% momentum, and Russia with 28% momentum.

In Australia, and we have registered a reduced 5% increase today. We drop down to 20th position, as Sweden put in a 13% effort to move ahead.

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Posted (edited)

We were amongst the first to cut travel from China, we have no natural porous borders, and our testing puts us top 4 in the world (per capita).  Our death rate is also very low, and every single one gets discussed, so I'm pretty sure none are being missed. 

Edited by ants

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Posted (edited)
27 minutes ago, ants said:

We were amongst the first to cut travel from China, we have no natural porous borders, and our testing puts us top 4 in the world (per capita).  Our death rate is also very low, and every single one gets discussed, so I'm pretty sure none are being missed. 

Actually, if you look at the Canadian Politics thread, I was trying to analyze Canadian numbers. The province of Quebec is a wild outlier, like NY. Unlike the US, though, every province has tested heavily, I think Alberta has tested more than Australia. If you exclude Quebec, the rest of Canada has 30 M people and 5,748 cases, which is better than Australia with 5 M fewer people and 5,314 cases. So, I was just being pissy.

eta: without Quebec, we have 102 deaths, though. I think close to half of those deaths were in nursing homes, so Australia has done much better there.

Edited by Fragile Bird

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9 hours ago, Fragile Bird said:

Actually, if you look at the Canadian Politics thread, I was trying to analyze Canadian numbers. The province of Quebec is a wild outlier, like NY. Unlike the US, though, every province has tested heavily, I think Alberta has tested more than Australia. If you exclude Quebec, the rest of Canada has 30 M people and 5,748 cases, which is better than Australia with 5 M fewer people and 5,314 cases. So, I was just being pissy.

eta: without Quebec, we have 102 deaths, though. I think close to half of those deaths were in nursing homes, so Australia has done much better there.

Is this how Canadians not native to Quebec start their geo-political/social conversations? Well without Quebec... :P

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Posted (edited)
32 minutes ago, Corvinus85 said:

Is this how Canadians not native to Quebec start their geo-political/social conversations? Well without Quebec... :P

Yes, of course! I was looking at some other statistics (the number of hospital beds in Canada) and after quoting the statistic, realized the report I quoted left out hospital beds in Quebec! Part of the problem is that Quebec runs some things on it’s own, without reference to the rest of Canada, for a variety of reasons, including language issues. Partly because of a ‘bugger off’ attitude as well!

eta: but not really, in general. If it was Ontario that had a huge number instead, I’d try to analyze Canada without Ontario in it. Again, I can do that because testing has been strong across the country.

Edited by Fragile Bird

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Daily Update :

We welcome to the leaderboard the Falkland Islands. As a member of the Commonwealth I guess I should say that the islands are currently a British Territory, but Argentina do continue to argue that point. And a shoutout to the French and Spanish who have had a crack as well over the years. But as the greatest sport in the world we welcome the Falkland Islands as an independent competitor and wish them all the very best. They open their account with 1 case.

Entering the “Over 100” club are the Isle of Man and Niger. The 19 new cases for the Isle of Man may not seem much, but the island is currently holding down 14th spot in the handicap with over 0.1% of their population supporting the effort.

Joining the “Millennial” club are Qatar carrying 13% momentum and Ukraine carrying 20%. Algeria have also joined this club today, making them the first African Nation gaining entry, earning bragging rights over Egypt and Morocco.

To the top of the leaderboard and Turkey have moved into 9th place, leaving Switzerland exposed to the chasing pack. It does appear as if we wrote off Belgium too soon. Their brief entry to the Top 10 may not be their last. Canada and Brazil continue to chase with good momentum.

The USA continues to set new records. Today they broke the 30000 new cases per day barrier for the first time. New York has passed 100000 total cases.

The “Most Non-Improved” award today goes to Cameroon. An impressive 66% increase today saw their 306 cases turn into 509 cases overnight.

In other news, French tactics have been leaked with reports of proposed testing of a vaccine in African countries. Apparently having no masks, no treatments and no resuscitation will make the tests more reliable. The International Rona Committee maintain that there are no rules in this game, and allow efforts to slow the spread in other countries. In response African personalities are said to have suggested appropriate locations for testing including the community of Far Q, and the pirate fishing town of Argh Shoals.

In Australia, and we can only stump up a 3% increase today. We maintain 20th spot.

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Posted (edited)

OK, so nothing to do with coronavirus but this twitter thread (unpack to see more videos) is totally appropriate for the title... (be warned may be considered in bad taste - but if it made me laugh...)

 

Edited by Sophelia
warning

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Rewritten below:

A British doctor says: "In Britian, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."

The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks, he is looking for a job."

The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few years ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no testicles and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for a job."

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Also, since nobody else seems to have posted this yet: the UK's bid for "nation with the most stupid idiots". (I am fairly certain this is not a belated April Fool.)

People convinced that Covid-19 is caused by mobile phones have torched phone masts in two different parts of England.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-52164358

:blink:

 

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10 minutes ago, A wilding said:

Also, since nobody else seems to have posted this yet: the UK's bid for "nation with the most stupid idiots". (I am fairly certain this is not a belated April Fool.)

People convinced that Covid-19 is caused by mobile phones have torched phone masts in two different parts of England.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-52164358

:blink:

 

My wife absolutely refused to beleive this story when I told her earlier. 

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19 minutes ago, A wilding said:

people convinced that Covid-19 is caused by mobile phones have torched phone masts in two different parts of England.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-52164358

Why cell phones, they've been widespread a good fifteen years?  Why not blame the internal combustion engine or Billie Eilish?

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7 minutes ago, Maithanet said:

Why cell phones, they've been widespread a good fifteen years?  Why not blame the internal combustion engine or Billie Eilish?

It's 5G, not just mobile signals. But, you know, they're fucking morons so I wouldn't look for to much in the way of logic behind this.

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