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Fragile Bird

The Gallows Humor Thread

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@Trebla 's AV reminding me that all vampire familiars are probabaly applying to their masters' Accelerated Entry Programs worldwide. 

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1 hour ago, Soylent Brown said:

Mother's Day in the UK on Sunday. 

I think I'm going to win it this year - I've got my mum a lovely selection box of chocolate-coated toilet rolls.

The card market is already on this. Seen humour cards along the lines of "Good Mams (well mums but I'm from the NE so) are as hard to find as hand sanitiser/toilet rolls/a bag of pasta" 

 

Speaking of pasta, I overheard this completely sincere conversation in sai sbueys between a man and his wife:

"it's ridiculous isn't it, just look at that!" *indicates empty pasta shelves*

"yeah well get used to that."

"why?" 

" we can't get anymore pasta now can we?" 

"... Why?" 

"Well it's from Italy, isn't it, and the country's been shut down." 

 

I don't know what was funnier, the conversation or the look on his wife's face at the stupidity

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Apparently there's a twitter hashtag for pick-up lines.

Are you a pandemic, because you have my heart on lockdown!

You smell so good, is that Purell you're wearing?

Baby, do you need toilet paper? Because I can be your Prince Charmin.

You can't spell quarantine without "u r a q t"

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10 hours ago, HelenaExMachina said:

." 

 

I don't know what was funnier, the conversation or the look on his wife's face at the stupidity

 

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'Don't go to the pub, dont hang out with your friends, dont bring home an infection'.

Fucking Boris is starting to sound like my wife. 

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12 hours ago, HelenaExMachina said:

The card market is already on this. Seen humour cards along the lines of "Good Mams (well mums but I'm from the NE so) are as hard to find as hand sanitiser/toilet rolls/a bag of pasta" 

 

Trying to find a mothers day card for my mam is a right pain in Oxfordshite.  

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4 hours ago, BigFatCoward said:

Trying to find a mothers day card for my mam is a right pain in Oxfordshite.  

I feel your pain, I always used to buy mine on a visit home when I was at uni in London. My friends wouldn't believe me that "mam" cards were a thing that shops sold

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3 hours ago, HelenaExMachina said:

I feel your pain, I always used to buy mine on a visit home when I was at uni in London. My friends wouldn't believe me that "mam" cards were a thing that shops sold

Imagine how our kids are going to feel when they’re older they’re going to have to buy/make 2 each!.

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19 hours ago, HelenaExMachina said:

The card market is already on this. Seen humour cards along the lines of "Good Mams (well mums but I'm from the NE so) are as hard to find as hand sanitiser/toilet rolls/a bag of pasta" 

 

Speaking of pasta, I overheard this completely sincere conversation in sai sbueys between a man and his wife:

"it's ridiculous isn't it, just look at that!" *indicates empty pasta shelves*

"yeah well get used to that."

"why?" 

" we can't get anymore pasta now can we?" 

"... Why?" 

"Well it's from Italy, isn't it, and the country's been shut down." 

 

I don't know what was funnier, the conversation or the look on his wife's face at the stupidity

:rofl: He had to have been taking the piss,surely?!.

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7 hours ago, BigFatCoward said:

'Don't go to the pub, dont hang out with your friends, dont bring home an infection'.

Fucking Boris is starting to sound like my wife. 

The secret second life of a policeman's wife.

You should pitch that to the BBC.

Premise of the show writes itself.

While he is out fighting crimes, she is making his work life miserable in her second life as British Prime Minister.

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59 minutes ago, Jen'ari said:

Imagine how our kids are going to feel when they’re older they’re going to have to buy/make 2 each!.

I think I have actually seen one or two like that in card shops already. Could be mistaken though. 

I know you get same sex wedding cards because a friend of mine once bought one by mistake for his highly religious and bigoted aunt who was getting married. He was not popular with her. 

58 minutes ago, Jen'ari said:

:rofl: He had to have been taking the piss,surely?!.

I really wish he was but no he was deadly serious. Don't worry, his wife looked appalled at him too. Like, the hell did I marry? 

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1 hour ago, HelenaExMachina said:

Don't worry, his wife looked appalled at him too. Like, the hell did I marry? 

From my experience most wives have that look most of the time.

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16 minutes ago, DMC said:

From my experience most wives have that look most of the time.

I once witnessed a domestic where she leaned over the table in a cafe, and aggressively whispered 'it's all right for you, some of us don't get to sit around on our arse all day'. 

He was in a wheelchair.

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3 hours ago, HelenaExMachina said:

I think I have actually seen one or two like that in card shops already. Could be mistaken though. 

I know you get same sex wedding cards because a friend of mine once bought one by mistake for his highly religious and bigoted aunt who was getting married. He was not popular with her. 

I really wish he was but no he was deadly serious. Don't worry, his wife looked appalled at him too. Like, the hell did I marry? 

They do, we got quite a few such cards.

I don't know how his wife could cope being with someone that thick :rofl:.

3 hours ago, BigFatCoward said:

It's the burglars I feel sorry for. 

I guess the silver lining for you guys is you have to deal with less drunk dickheads tonight?.

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8 hours ago, HelenaExMachina said:

I feel your pain, I always used to buy mine on a visit home when I was at uni in London. My friends wouldn't believe me that "mam" cards were a thing that shops sold

Huh, that’s cool. I’ve never seen a “maw” card in Scotland, although a quick check shows you can get them on the internet.

I was going to send my mum a bottle of hand sanitiser but delivery times were much too long for such a feeble joke.

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