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The Gallows Humor Thread

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5 minutes ago, larrytheimp said:

Ok who wants to storm area 51?  They'd never expect it now

Now this forum is on a government list. Good job.

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21 minutes ago, larrytheimp said:

Ok who wants to storm area 51?  They'd never expect it now

I heard its where the government is hiding the strategic chloroquine reserves. 

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Daily Update :

We welcome to the leaderboard Libya and Laos. A special welcome to Laos, such a lovely relaxed country. No rush, no pressure, just thought they would join up for the feeling of community. There are now 197 countries / territories participating.

Joining the “Over 100” club today are Burkina Faso (15%), Tunisia (28%), Brunei (14%), Ukraine (40%) and Sri Lanka (5%).

Luxembourg (26%) and Ecuador (10%) have joined the ”Millennial” club today. Luxembourg have been reasonably strong throughout this competition, albeit under the radar. Ecuador won the “Most Non-Improved” award a couple of days ago. Both countries are worthy entrants.

To the top of the table, and Switzerland has moved up to 8th position, with South Korea making way. In terms of momentum, Spain is running at 19% increase in total cases, UK with 21%, and the USA still has the momentum lead with 25%. USA might take top spot on the leaderboard within 3 days. Give that some time to sink in.

The “Most Non-Improved” award today goes to New Zealand. Not two days ago we welcomed them into the “Over 100” club. Then yesterday zero cases. Today they have taken their tally from 102 cases up to 205 cases, an increase of 101%. Now even if that were split over 2 days, it’s a fair rate of increase, and likely would’ve won them the award either yesterday or today. Those 103 new cases might even be higher than the number of blitz members that put a certain poster on “ignore” yesterday. Strong performances from Canada, Israel, Romania, Saudi Arabia, South Africa and Columbia all above 30%.

Thought we might look at the “Domino” competition today, and South Africa has the most participants lined up without any falling over. They have made it to 554 cases with zero losses. Closely followed by Qatar with 526 cases and Estonia with 369. A great game to play with the kids to teach them about social distancing.

In Australia, and we are up by 22.8% in the past 24 hours. Another 430 cases bringing us up to 2317. We move up two spots to 17th, passing Sweden and Brazil. Southern Hemisphere leaders woot woot!!!

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Posted (edited)

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Edited by ants

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Why aren't my pictures working? They work when I copy them in, but not when I save/submit the message. 

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4 hours ago, ants said:

Thought we might look at the “Domino” competition today, and South Africa has the most participants lined up without any falling over. They have made it to 554 cases with zero losses. Closely followed by Qatar with 526 cases and Estonia with 369. A great game to play with the kids to teach them about social distancing.

554 without loss is giving me flashbacks to being an England cricket fan in the 90s!

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Probably nobody on this forum knows this series and die wenigsten verstehen genug Deutsch, aber ... here is a clip of mama Schöllack telling you to stay at home. ;)

 

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On 3/24/2020 at 7:45 PM, ants said:

 

lol this has been me.  I’m waiting to start a new job next month (which I’ve been informed will be a telework situation indefinitely) and I can’t fucking go anywhere else because my household has been holing up other than essentials for nearly a month now.  I walk the dog 3 times a day, I can’t go to the gym.  Bottoms up!

I will add though, this has got to be a banner year for pets.  My dog is fucking loving life right now.  Both of us are home all day every day.  He’s just rotating room to room for maximum pets.

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Daily Update :

An extraordinary scandal has broken out today. Cheating allegations are being raised against the USA. Nations are protesting the validity of the tactics being used by the country as it rolls its way towards the top of the leaderboard. Seemingly unsatisfied with its current performance levels the USA has wiped a number of territories from the board and absorbed their participants into the USA transmission machine. This loss of individual identity for these territories has reportedly possibly upset Greta Thunberg, whose name we use because it seems to generate clicks. As such, we say goodbye to Puerto Rico, Guam, and the US Virgin Islands at this stage of the competition, and wish their participants all the very best as they get on with it under the banner of the US of A.

However the competition rages on, and today we welcome to the leaderboard the African nations of Guinea-Bissau and Mali, as well as the island nations of Saint Kitts & Nevis, and the British Virgin Isles.

We welcome Venezuela (26%) and Reunion Island (18%) to the “Over 100” club today. Reunion Island has climbed up to 88th position, adding 17 new cases for a total of 111. The country was an early adopter of the “stop the boats” mantra, showing the world how a couple of guys and a few rocks could turn back the unleashing of a horde of grey-haired carriers. It is suspected that this will be used as inspiration as the boats dock on Rottnest Island, to be faced by the Quokkas with Rockets. A submission has been made to Dana Lyons exhorting him to add an additional verse to his popular folk song in order to adequately memorialise this courageous Quokka stand.

The ”Millennial” club welcomes Pakistan (9%), Poland (16%) and Chile (24%).

To the top of the table, and momentum is proving difficult to maintain. All of the top 10 countries have recorded an increase in total cases of less than 20% in the past 24 hours, excluding the USA who scraped over with 20.4%. Never-the-less the UK (18%) has enough happening to move into 9th place past S Korea (1%). It does now appear as if Austria (6%) has slowed in its bid to enter the top 10, and Netherlands (15%) now threatens as most likely to push S Korea out of the top nations.

The “Most Non-Improved” award today goes to Russia. With an additional 163 cases in the past 24 hours, they have taken their total to 658 cases, an increase of 33%. Still a long way down the leaderboard in 40th position, but their ambition can never be doubted. Turkey were very close again. Another 30% increase from them as they climb into the top 20, having come from a long way back. New Zealand put in another strong effort with 38%, but off a lower base.

Thought it was worth taking a look at Italy today. The market darling does appear to be losing its shine. While still putting up 5210 cases, that is only 3rd best in the world, and a meagre 7.5% increase. Over the past week Italy has posted higher numbers then that 5 times. This is not a sign of a country that is going to continue to outperform. Although it will likely still have sufficient momentum to pass China, it may never reach top spot as the USA looks set to swamp them just as they reach that milestone. Why has this slowdown in performance occurred? The best answer at this time is that it comes down to an increasing loss of experience.

In Australia, and we are up by 15% in the past 24 hours. Another 359 cases bringing us up to 2676. We maintain 17th spot.

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Daily Update :

We have a new world leader. Pushing yesterdays scandal aside the USA has made a spectacular move to the top of the leaderboard. Not only did they round up Italy in silver position, but they also overtook China who have the longest history with the virus. China has held the lead for 116 days, but no longer. The USA are already over 4000 cases clear of 2nd place, with no sign of letting up.

We welcome to the leaderboard Anguilla. I’m sure the 17000 residents of this British territory in the Caribbean are delighted to have begun their journey in this competition. We wish them all the best.

The “Over 100” club is very popular today. Senegal (6%) and Oman (10%) both just missed out yesterday finishing on 99 total cases, but have crept over the line today. Also joining them are Azerbaijan with a 31% increase in total cases, and Kazakhstan with a 39% increase. However it is Ghana that has made the most impressive entrance with a 94% increase, having added 64 new cases to yesterdays 68 cases.

The ”Millennial” club welcomes Thailand with a 11% increase in cases. Saudi Arabia takes some time out of their efforts to tank the oil price with a 12% increase. And Romania with a 13% increase.

To the top of the table, and now that the USA has claimed the lead, the interest moves to the pack trying to chase down S Korea’s 10th spot. It is a fine battle for position. South Korea currently have 9241 cases, but just like Ahn Hyun-soo in that famous race in February 2002, they have lost their edge and we wait to see who will skate past them. Netherlands currently sit 11th and has a total of 7431 cases with 16% case increase momentum. In 12th place is Austria with a total of 6909 cases and 24% momentum. As a longshot, perhaps even Belgium with 6235 cases and 26% momentum isn’t without a chance.

The “Most Non-Improved” award today goes to Turkey… again. Turkey started the day in 20th position with 2433 cases. They finished it in 15th position and 3629 cases. The 49% increase swept them past Portugal, Norway, Brazil, Sweden and Australia. I cannot understate how impressive that effort is.

It is difficult to not talk of Spain today. Their strong performance of 8271 new cases, is second only behind the USA. They are carrying 16% momentum, but it has come at the cost of 718 participants. That is a world high loss of participants today. However the title of strongest performer in Europe is being hotly contested. Germany have 17% momentum and continue to do it with excellent efficiency, comparatively losing few participants. The UK will claim/whinge that they deserve top billing today with 22% increase in cases.

In Australia, and we fall to 18th today, having been given windburn by Turkey as they rocketed past. We carry a low 14% momentum, adding another 374 new cases bring us up to 3050 cases.

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Is anyone at the point yet where you've started entertaining yourself by imagining the most ghoulish - yet still plausible - thing that the talking heads on TV might be thinking in their blackest heart?

For example, Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-Minn.) is on CNN right now talking about how her husband is sick with the virus and can't see him, which is legitimately sad.

Formalities aside, however...this new, bored, ghastly person I've become can't help but wonder if she's thinking "Dammit! If only he'd gotten sick like 4 weeks ago!"

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