1st of April crackpot theories

[Nagini's Neville]

5 hours ago, McGuv19 said:

Ramsay is actually a disguised Ned Stark. Jaqen is a Faceless Man and he was in King’s Landing to save Ned. He swapped him out and took him to the House of Black and White and gave him the face we know as Ramsay’s. ‘Ramsay’ went to Roose Bolton midway through ACOK, and Roose is a FM also, and masqueraded as Bolton’s bastard. The real Ramsay died rather then escape by swapping with Reek. This is all so Ned can get Winterfell back. Now that he is Lord of Winterfell he will regain control of the North and eventually topple the Lannisters.

Also, Walder Frey is Azor Ahai.

Ned for sure took his role a bit too seriously. Who'd have thought he'd be such a great actor, after everything that went down in KL- poor Jeyne  Ned, how could you? I put all my trust in you, like back then in Dumbledore...

[Elegant Woes]

Dany and Jon will have sex in beyond the curtain of the light to defeat the others. 

[Loose Bolt]

Roose Bolton will safe the world by flaying all White Walkers. Or Boltons are house of ancient protectors who had waited since Long Night to carry out their mission.

[Alyn Oakenfist]

31 minutes ago, Loose Bolt said:

Or Boltons are house of ancient protectors

Actually the Boltons are not a house, but rather 2 entities with cold grey eyes wearing human skins (they're bolt on) that inhabit the skin of various humans.

[Hugorfonics]

Its not really an april fools thing, its more of a, uh

Wake up!

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It all goes back and back, Tyrion thought, to our mothers and fathers and theirs before them. We are puppets dancing on the strings of those who came before us, and one day our own children will take up our strings and dance on in our steads.

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"The war," she affirmed. "There are two, Onion Knight. Not seven, not one, not a hundred or a thousand. Two! Do you think I crossed half the world to put yet another vain king on yet another empty throne? The war has been waged since time began, and before it is done, all men must choose where they will stand.

Westeros isn't real, the songs of florian the fool or Aemon the true knight are distractions; That Westeros is a computer-generated dream world built to keep them under control in order to change a human being into a battery.

In previous versions control was dominated by the Other program, clearly visible by their blue eyes similar to their sister program Greeneseers. (I think theyre previous version turned glitch because wights who were human are now copies of a program similar to a Smith) There is an exile program however who fights the machines theough his weirwood net, dreaming about the One. And hoping young Brandon wakes up.

Unfortunately Arya is actually the one, and although shes bunking with glitches and exiles as well they have no intention of fighting the control of the machines

Wake up

[Alyn Oakenfist]

59 minutes ago, Hugorfonics said:

Its not really an april fools thing, its more of a, uh

Wake up!

Quote

It all goes back and back, Tyrion thought, to our mothers and fathers and theirs before them. We are puppets dancing on the strings of those who came before us, and one day our own children will take up our strings and dance on in our steads.

Quote

"The war," she affirmed. "There are two, Onion Knight. Not seven, not one, not a hundred or a thousand. Two! Do you think I crossed half the world to put yet another vain king on yet another empty throne? The war has been waged since time began, and before it is done, all men must choose where they will stand.

Westeros isn't real, the songs of florian the fool or Aemon the true knight are distractions; That Westeros is a computer-generated dream world built to keep them under control in order to change a human being into a battery.

In previous versions control was dominated by the Other program, clearly visible by their blue eyes similar to their sister program Greeneseers. (I think theyre previous version turned glitch because wights who were human are now copies of a program similar to a Smith) There is an exile program however who fights the machines theough his weirwood net, dreaming about the One. And hoping young Brandon wakes up.

Unfortunately Arya is actually the one, and although shes bunking with glitches and exiles as well they have no intention of fighting the control of the machines

Wake up

Ah yes the ASOIAF extended universe grows ever larger. Now it has both The Matrix and Harry Potter.

[Megorova]

3 hours ago, Alyn Oakenfist said:

Jeyne. Her only confirmed action in the books is that she was kidnapped by the brotherhood and saved by the KG.

This is Barri's entry in White Book: 

Spoiler

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Ser Barristan of House Selmy. Firstborn son of Ser Lyonel Selmy of Harvest Hall. Served as squire to Ser Manfred Swann. Named “the Bold” in his 10th year, when he donned borrowed armor to appear as a mystery knight in the tourney at Blackhaven, where he was defeated and unmasked by Duncan, Prince of Dragonflies. Knighted in his 16th year by King Aegon V Targaryen, after performing great feats of prowess as a mystery knight in the winter tourney at King’s Landing, defeating Prince Duncan the Small and Ser Duncan the Tall, Lord Commander of the Kingsguard. Slew Maelys the Monstrous, last of the Blackfyre Pretenders, in single combat during the War of the Ninepenny Kings. Defeated Lormelle Long Lance and Cedrik Storm, the Bastard of Bronzegate. Named to the Kingsguard in his 23rd year, by Lord Commander Ser Gerold Hightower. Defended the passage against all challengers in the tourney of the Silver Bridge. Victor in the mêlée at Maidenpool. Brought King Aerys II to safety during the Defiance of Duskendale, despite an arrow wound in the chest. Avenged the murder of his Sworn Brother, Ser Gwayne Gaunt. Rescued Lady Jeyne Swann and her septa from the Kingswood Brotherhood, defeating Simon Toyne and the Smiling Knight, and slaying the former. In the Oldtown tourney, defeated and unmasked the mystery knight Blackshield, revealing him as the Bastard of Uplands. Sole champion of Lord Steffon’s tourney at Storm’s End, whereat he unhorsed Lord Robert Baratheon, Prince Oberyn Martell, Lord Leyton Hightower, Lord Jon Connington, Lord Jason Mallister, and Prince Rhaegar Targaryen. Wounded by arrow, spear, and sword at the Battle of the Trident whilst fighting beside his Sworn Brothers and Rhaegar Prince of Dragonstone. Pardoned, and named Lord Commander of the Kingsguard, by King Robert I Baratheon. Served in the honor guard that brought Lady Cersei of House Lannister to King’s Landing to wed King Robert. Led the attack on Old Wyk during Balon Greyjoy’s Rebellion. Champion of the tourney at King’s Landing, in his 57th year. Dismissed from service by King Joffrey I Baratheon in his 61st year, for reasons of advanced age.

His mother's name is not mentioned, even though in Jaime's entry - "Ser Jaime of House Lannister. Firstborn son of Lord Tywin and Lady Joanna of Casterly Rock." mother's name is recorded.

Next, there's several interesting facts about Barri: his nickname was given to him by Duncan the Small.

Duncan the Small was named by Aegon after his best friend Duncan the Tall. And it's possible that Duncan the Tall was bastard of Daemon I Blackfyre and princess Daenerys Targaryen, and he was the real reason of the First Blackfyre Rebellion. In my opinion Dunk&Egg saga is a story about two friends whose families were arch-enemies, Blackfyres and Targaryens. There are many reasons why I think that Duncan was a Blackfyre. For example, in all three books GRRM never mentioned Dunk's eye color, isn't it suspicious? He's the main character, there are several instances when in the novels he looks at his reflection, or thinks about his looks, but his eye color is never mentioned. And his hair color is always described as "sun-streaked".  The Sworn Sword - "Dunk pushed his fingers through his mop of sun-streaked hair.", The Mystery Knight - "When they glimpsed the turrets of the inn above some willows, Dunk donned his sweaty tunic once again and stopped to splash some water on his face. He washed off the dust of the road as best he could, and ran wet fingers through his thick mop of sun-streaked hair." Etc., though that's irrelevant, the point is is that it's a possibility that Duncan, who was Lord Commander of Kingsguard and a Blackfyre by blood, gave his name to Duncan the Small, who then gave a nickname to Barristan, who is also Lord Commander of Kingsguard and a Blackfyre by blood. 

Later as a mystery knight he defeated both Duncans. And the next entry is about him killing Maelys Blackfyre.

He won in a melee at Maidenpool. And according to legend, Maidenpool is where Florian met Jonquil.

https://awoiaf.westeros.org/index.php/Jonquil

Based on how he saved King Aerys from Duskendale, and killed Symon Hollard, those injuries he got at the Trident, how he saved Dany from manticore, and how he fought Khrazz, I think that he has a gift of foresight. When near him something bad is going to happen, he is able to foresee it shortly before it happens. That's how he got Aerys out of Duskendale, that's how he found Symon to kill him. At the Trident he got wounded by a sword a spear and an arrow, and none of those injuries not only didn't killed him, but didn't even crippled him, even though at that time he was in his 40s. He got wounded so many times, even though he was able to predict all of those three attacks, because when he was attacked, he was trying to get to Rhaegar's side, because he had a vision in which he saw that Robert will now kill Rhaegar with a hammer. So he was trying to get to Rhaegar as soon as possible, by chosing the shortest route to him, and he was even willing to get wounded in the process. Those people that intercepted him on his path to Rhaegar, managed to wound him, because if he diverged from that pass too much, he wouldn't have reached Rhaegar in time to save him. He made a compromise to sacrifice a bit of himself to get to Rhaegar, but that wasn't enough. He could have entirely avoided those three attacks if he changed his course, but if he changed his course, he would have got to Rhaegar too late to intercept Robert. And that's what happened. He changed his course from shortest route to Rhaegar and by this avoided being severally or mortally wounded, but those seconds that he lost on getting out from under those attacks, costed him Rhaegar's life.

Other dragonseeds were able to predict future. Daenys the Dreamer, Daeron the Drunken, Daemon II Blackfyre. They saw limited number of events distant in time. So couldn't there be a dragonseed with an opposite power, someone who is able to see many many events, but that foresight is short-timed/short-sighted?

How else could be explained how Barristan saved Dany from manticore? He knew what will happen. That's the only logical explanation how he was able to act faster than those people that were standing beside Dany. They haven't even realised what's happening, they didn't saw what was in the box that she was opening. Even Dany herself had like a second of time to see what's inside the box, and then Barristan hit the box out of her hand, even though mere moments ago he was walking away from her and her people, so there's no way in hell that he actually saw what was going on behind his back. When he was walking away, he had a vision about what is going to happen, and run back to her and took his spear and swinged it at Dany's hand, even before other people around her saw that manticore.

Barristan was born between execution of Aenys Blackfyre and Fourth Blackfyre Rebellion. At the time of his death Aenys was at least 37 years old, so it's highly likely that at that time he had children of marrytable age. Prior he went to 7K, Bloodraven promised him a pardon and a safe passage. When he departed from Essos, he wasn't going to go back, even if he wasn't chosen as the next King, he was going to remain in 7K. That's why he took his family with him. But he didn't trusted to Targaryens completely, thus, prior going to King's Landing, he left his family elsewhere, with Blackfyre loyalists. Ser Eustace Osgrey, who at the time of First Blackfyre Rebellion fought on the side of Blackfyres, boasted to Duncan that before the fall of his House, his family members married with other great Houses and among them were Swanns. Swann castle, Stonehelm, is in Dornish Marches, and marcher lords were in anti-Targaryen coalition. Because they were not OK with King Daeron getting married with a Dornish Princess, because for many years marcher lords were fighting against Dornishmen. So House Swann were Blackfyre-supporters. Furthermore, there' another reason why Aenys left his family in Stonehelm - Blackfyres and Swanns are bloodrelated.

Johanna Swann, the Black Swan of Lys, was Aegon the Unworthy's maternal grandmother, and thru her all Blackfyres and Targaryens after Aegon are partially Swanns by blood.

Both Balon Swann and Jeyne Swann are bloodrelated to Varys, who is a Blackfyre. Balon is one of Varys' agents. Same as the guy with whom he won archers competition at the Hand's Tournament - Jalabhar Xho. Jalabhar is son or grandson of Xhobar Qhoqua, one of Ninepenny Kings that fought in the Fifth Rebellion of Blackfyres.

In the World Book in entry about Lys there was this information:

"Pledging eternal friendship with one another, they came together in 96 AC as the Triarchy

Soon their rapaciousness surpassed that of the pirates they replaced—especially when the Lyseni started demanding handsome youths and beautiful maidens as their toll.

For a time, the Triarchy found itself overmatched by the power of Corlys Velaryon and Daemon Targaryen and lost much of the Stepstones, but the men of Westeros were soon distracted by their own quarrels, and the Three Daughters reasserted their power—only to be brought down by internal conflicts following the murder of a Lyseni admiral by a rival for the affections of the famous courtesan called the Black Swan (the niece of Lord Swann, she in time came to rule Lys in all but name)."

Fire&Blood:

"The Lyseni became especially loathed, for they claimed more than coin from passing ships, taking off women, girls, and comely young boys to serve in their pleasure gardens and pillow houses. (Amongst those thus enslaved was Lady Johanna Swann, a fifteen-year-old niece of the Lord of Stonehelm. When her infamously niggardly uncle refused to pay the ransom, she was sold to a pillow house, where she rose to become the celebrated courtesan known as the Black Swan, and ruler of Lys in all but name."

"Drazenko’s ties to Sunspear and Lysandro’s to the Iron Throne made the Rogares the princes of Lys in all but name."

"Lysandro drowned when his opulent barge sank whilst carrying him from his Perfumed Garden back to his palace. "

Larra Rogare was born in 115. Her mother's name is not mentioned, not in the World Book, not in Fire&Blood. Though it was said about Johanna Swann that she was ruler of Lys in all but name, and the similar thing was said about Rogares. Furthermore, Lysandro owned the most famous in Lys pleasure House - the Perfumed Garden, and the Black Swan was the most famous courtesan of Lys. So, isn't it logical that Johanna Swann was working in the Perfumed Garden, and thus eventually gave birth to Lysandro's child - Larra Rogare? And thus thru Johanna and Larra all Targaryens starting from Aegon IV were partially Swanns.

The rise of the Triarchy happened in 96. Soon after that they started to kidnap people. Johanna was 15, when she was kidnapped. If it happened in 96, then she was born in 81, and in 115, when she gave birth to Larra, she was 34 years old, and it happened already after she worked her way thru the Perfumed Garden into Lysandro's bed and from him got her freedom, and then gave birth to his child.

It's possible that Lysandro had several wifes. Dothraki have poligamous marriages. Cleon the Great salf-proclaimed King of Astapor has three wifes, and offered Dany to become his fourth. Lord Aenar Targaryen had several wifes. So it is a possibility that in Lys it's a norm to have several wifes, and thus Johanna Swann became one of Lysandro's wives. And after her daughter married with a Targaryen Prince and went to Westeros, Johanna killed (with help from assassins) her husband and brother-in-law, and her ex-clients -

"Torreo Haen was poisoned with his wife, his mistress, his daughters (one being the maid whose wisp of a gown had caused such scandal at the Maiden’s Day Ball), siblings, and supporters at the feast he held to celebrate his elevation to first magister. Silvario Pendaerys was stabbed through the eye leaving the Temple of Trade, whilst his brother Pereno was garroted in a pillow house as a slave girl pleasured him with her mouth. The gonfaloniere Moreo Dagareon was slain by his own elite guards, and Matteno Orthys, a fervent worshipper of the goddess Pantera, was mauled and partly devoured by his prized shadowcat when its cage was unaccountably left open one night."

 

So, thru connection to Johanna Swann and the Perfumed Garden, Jeyne Swann is the Perfumed Seneschal from Quaithe's warning.

Jeyne and Barristan are parallels to Lady Jonquil and Florian the Fool.

Jonquil is a flower from the same family as narcissus and daffodil. In Medieval ages jonquil oil was used as a component for making perfumes.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissus_jonquilla

Mother Mary on some icons is depicted with a halo of 12 stars or 12 daffodil flowers around her head.

http://the-pious-spinster.blogspot.com/2014/02/marys-star.html

The three-headed dragon from the prophecy is GRRM's parallel to the Biblical Holy Trinity - The Mother/Dany, The Son/Rhaego, The Holy Ghost/Jon.

Rhaego is a parallel to Jesus. Dany is a parallel to Mother Mary. So, fAegon and septa Lemore/Jeyne Swann are parallels to Antichrist and his mother. The symbol of Jesus' mother are daffodils, and jonquils are flowers of Antichrist's mother. 

Jeyne Swann is the Perfumed Seneschal, and "Jonquil", so thru connection to her Barristan is "Florian" who saved her from the Kingswood Brotherhood, and conceived a child with her, on April 1, on the Fool's Day.

P.S. There's more, like - Swanns are shadowbinders. The Storm's End is protected against shadow magic, because previous owners of that castle, Durrandons, were enemies with House Swann, who same as Durrandons were petty kings of Stormlands prior they were conquered by Targaryens.

Swann's family sigil is not two swans, black and white, rather it's a white swan and her shadow.

Larra Rogare was a shadowbinder. There's hints about this in Fire&Blood.

Spoiler

"All this the court and kingdom might have come to accept in time, had Lady Larra not also insisted upon keeping her own gods. She would have no part in the worship of the Seven, nor the old gods of the northmen. Her worship was reserved for certain of the manifold gods of Lys: the six-breasted cat goddess Pantera, Yndros of the Twilight who was male by day and female by night, the pale child Bakkalon of the Sword, faceless Saagael, the giver of pain.

Her ladies, her servants, and her guards would join Lady Larra at certain times in performing obeisances to these queer, ancient deities. Cats were seen coming and going from her chambers so often that men began to say they were her spies, purring at her in soft voices of all the doings of the Red Keep. It was even said that Larra herself could transform into a cat, to prowl the gutters and rooftops of the city. Darker rumors soon arose. The acolytes of Yndros could supposedly transform themselves from male to female and female to male through the act of love, and whispers went about that her ladyship oft availed herself of this ability at twilight orgies, so she might visit the brothels on the Street of Silk as a man. And every time a child went missing, the ignorant would look at one another and talk of Saagael’s insatiable thirst for blood."

She even appeared on pages posing as King Aegon, this:

The Lysene Spring "King Aegon was unmoved. “Sandoq is no beast,” he answered from the battlements. “He cannot speak, but he hears and he obeys."

"Sandoq the Shadow had come from Lys with Lady Larra".

Larra shadow-glamoured herself to appear to people as Aegon. "The acolytes of Yndros could supposedly transform themselves from male to female and female to male". This Yndros of Twilight, same as Saagel, seems to be the same god - R'hllor, the one worshiped by Melisandre and Red Priests.

Larra Rogare was half-Swann and a shadowbinder. Shadowbinder Quaithe is actually Shiera Seastar, and Shiera is also partially Swann, same as Barristan and Jeyne and fAegon and Varys.

[Brandon Ice-Eyes]

I’m a bit late but none the less I’ll leave my favourite crackpot theory below - I’ve got some others that I’ve been working on if you’d like to hear them.

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[Loose Bolt]

I might be a day late but first name of builder of the wall was not Brandon but Donald and his last name was not Stark.

[Eternally_Theirs]

Can I still post mine? Because I came up with this just now.

Robb is the Hooded Man.

The whole stabbing thing was a farce concocted by Robb and Roose to fake the former's death. Having flayed people in secrecy, Roose had the first-hand experience with human anatomy. He studied anatomy and knew exactly where to stab in order to ensure that the wound was non-fatal. Robb played the part of a 'corpse', and Roose presented a dead look-alike to the Freys. They did their head swap with the look-alike, while Roose smuggled Robb out of the Twins as part of his retinue. He took Robb back to Winterfell, where Robb became the Hooded Man, wearing a hood to conceal his identity from Theon and everyone else.

Robb and Roose did this in order to remove themselves from the War of the Five Kings. Robb wanted a peaceful life with Jeyne, whom he loved, and Roose wanted Winterfell. So they came to an agreement to help each other get what they wanted.

[kissdbyfire]

13 minutes ago, Eternally_His said:

Can I still post mine? Because I came up with this just now.

Robb is the Hooded Man.

The whole stabbing thing was a farce concocted by Robb and Roose to fake the former's death. Having flayed people in secrecy, Roose had the first-hand experience with human anatomy. He studied anatomy and knew exactly where to stab in order to ensure that the wound was non-fatal. Robb played the part of a 'corpse', and Roose presented a dead look-alike to the Freys. They did their head swap with the look-alike, while Roose smuggled Robb out of the Twins as part of his retinue. He took Robb back to Winterfell, where Robb became the Hooded Man, wearing a hood to conceal his identity from Theon and everyone else.

Robb and Roose did this in order to remove themselves from the War of the Five Kings. Robb wanted a peaceful life with Jeyne, whom he loved, and Roose wanted Winterfell. So they came to an agreement to help each other get what they wanted.

You win, doesn’t get any crazier than this!

/end thread