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Chataya de Fleury

Dating thread - looking for love in all the wrong places

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19 hours ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

@Toth - the cult member is likely legit, as NO ONE serious is going to have that kind of “dealbreaker for most people” if they are a bot or just playing around.

Yeah, that makes sense. I guess I misphrased my question. I was more wondering whether that person is genuinely trying to find someone while in the cult or just asking for help this way...

13 hours ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

I am just sometimes so sick of the Random Everyday Unconscious Sexism that W throws to me that I’m about fed up. Seriously.

Is he at least receptive when you point out that he's accidentally hurtful? I don't know what exactly it is that stings you, but if it's indeed some unconscious thing naive me thinks that it couldn't hurt to be aware of it.

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1 hour ago, Toth said:

Is he at least receptive when you point out that he's accidentally hurtful? I don't know what exactly it is that stings you, but if it's indeed some unconscious thing naive me thinks that it couldn't hurt to be aware of it.

Some men of his generation (think “old enough to be your father”) have a certain fragility about having things pointed out to them. It’s either a blow to their ego (they are always right), they don’t care to see another perspective, or I get a par on the head of “there, there, you emotional woman”. 

In this case, I was happy because my refinance loan got to “conditional approval” in less than 24 hours, because the lender waived the property appraisal, which is exceedingly rare. They just accepted the value I gave them - which I got from a midpoint of Zillow. I was excited and told him of this, and rather than say “that’s great!” he said “I’ve always gotten to conditional approval in two minutes.”

He is likely referring to pre-approval, which really DOES take two minutes. I know he can’t have gotten conditional approval, because it is very rare to have the property appraisal waived. In twenty home loans throughout my life (purchase or refi) I have never had appraisal waived. 

Why is it sexist (IMO)? Because he’s talking about something about which he has no idea and is claiming some weird superiority in this matter. Because (sarcasm here) obviously, I have no idea about finances as a little lady (despite being a CPA. And working in the home loan industry).

 

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I'll bite my tongue for now, but you know Chats that many of us here, specially in this thread which requires vulnerability and having to ask yourself a lot of hard questions, are rooting for what's best for you, however you feel like you need to resolve the issue (or issues).

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26 minutes ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

Why is it sexist (IMO)? Because he’s talking about something about which he has no idea and is claiming some weird superiority in this matter. Because (sarcasm here) obviously, I have no idea about finances as a little lady (despite being a CPA. And working in the home loan industry).

 

I’ve rarely had this happen, but I was called out on it by my partner once or twice.  I think it’s akin to the technical term “mansplaining”, where a guy may not be informed but for whatever insecure reason, has to have an opinion or contrary POV in an area where it’s really not warranted or even asked for.  It’s a behavior mirrored on a lot of the internet :P

Personally, there’s a defensive ego thing that sometimes kicks in if I am being asked to make a decision or have a reaction to something I don’t know much about that I have had to check.  I would want/expect my guy friends to call bullshit and/or correct me - receiving it from a partner would have been way more difficult in the past (I thought it was admitting weakness, which it sounds like he might be afraid of).

It’s not a good habit, and in an area where you’ve got the expertise, would be doubly annoying.  It’s one of those “how much does this matter to me” questions, on how to react to it in a relationship. I know it was a bad habit and seeing it in my relationship, I was able to correct it in other spots it was a problem in my life (especially the workplace).

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57 minutes ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

Some men of his generation (think “old enough to be your father”) have a certain fragility about having things pointed out to them. It’s either a blow to their ego (they are always right), they don’t care to see another perspective, or I get a par on the head of “there, there, you emotional woman”. 

In this case, I was happy because my refinance loan got to “conditional approval” in less than 24 hours, because the lender waived the property appraisal, which is exceedingly rare. They just accepted the value I gave them - which I got from a midpoint of Zillow. I was excited and told him of this, and rather than say “that’s great!” he said “I’ve always gotten to conditional approval in two minutes.”

He is likely referring to pre-approval, which really DOES take two minutes. I know he can’t have gotten conditional approval, because it is very rare to have the property appraisal waived. In twenty home loans throughout my life (purchase or refi) I have never had appraisal waived. 

Why is it sexist (IMO)? Because he’s talking about something about which he has no idea and is claiming some weird superiority in this matter. Because (sarcasm here) obviously, I have no idea about finances as a little lady (despite being a CPA. And working in the home loan industry).

 

As a man of that generation myself, I tend to keep my mouth shut as much as I can in these situations. Fairly or not I have developed a reputation over the years as actually being that guy who actually does know everything, even when I don't. I ended up this way by reading a huge amount, and by having a quirky memory that lets me remember it even 30 or 40 years later. When you look at the stats on who reads and buys books it is women, not men so if a woman says something I expect her to be more knowledgeable that a random man who saw a Youtube video on that subject once. All in all this is a round about way of saying men are more likely to be dolts than women but I do strive to be undoltish whenever possible.

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15 minutes ago, VigoTheCarpathian said:

I think it’s akin to the technical term “mansplaining”, where a guy may not be informed but for whatever insecure reason, has to have an opinion or contrary POV in an area where it’s really not warranted or even asked for.  It’s a behavior mirrored on a lot of the internet :P

I really enjoy that you went to the trouble of explaining what mansplaining is. 

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33 minutes ago, Maithanet said:

I really enjoy that you went to the trouble of explaining what mansplaining is. 

It’s the same double bind as the first and second rules of Fight Club, or or saying Voldemort’s name.  Apologies for a veritable Ourobrous of manspalanation.  Man, mansplain thyself.

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So last night I had like a four hour phone call with a close friend I hadn't talked to (other then via text) in a while and we had a pretty open conversation about our sex lives (her breaking down how she prepares for anal even though she doesn't love it was pretty funny).

I have to ask because neither of us were sure, but does it count as a three way, in the MFF sense, if one woman watches you have sex with her friend, and then when said friend says she's sore and done, the watcher then jumps in, and the two of them have almost no physical interaction? She was equally curious because she had almost the same thing happen, just with a MMF scenario, and it was the only time she could recall having what felt like group sex for her.

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29 minutes ago, Tywin et al. said:

So last night I had like a four hour phone call with a close friend I hadn't talked to (other then via text) in a while and we had a pretty open conversation about our sex lives (her breaking down how she prepares for anal even though she doesn't love it was pretty funny).

I have to ask because neither of us were sure, but does it count as a three way, in the MFF sense, if one woman watches you have sex with her friend, and then when said friend says she's sore and done, the watcher then jumps in, and the two of them have almost no physical interaction? She was equally curious because she had almost the same thing happen, just with a MMF scenario, and it was the only time she could recall having what felt like group sex for her.

It’s an odd semantics question, and I don’t think you’d be shunned by a community for calling it a “threeway”.  I’d personally say that it would be considered group sex (more than two people present and participating) or the generic “threesome”...but as described, there were two “ways”, plus a rotating observer

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23 hours ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

Some men of his generation (think “old enough to be your father”) have a certain fragility about having things pointed out to them. It’s either a blow to their ego (they are always right), they don’t care to see another perspective, or I get a par on the head of “there, there, you emotional woman”. 

In this case, I was happy because my refinance loan got to “conditional approval” in less than 24 hours, because the lender waived the property appraisal, which is exceedingly rare. They just accepted the value I gave them - which I got from a midpoint of Zillow. I was excited and told him of this, and rather than say “that’s great!” he said “I’ve always gotten to conditional approval in two minutes.”

He is likely referring to pre-approval, which really DOES take two minutes. I know he can’t have gotten conditional approval, because it is very rare to have the property appraisal waived. In twenty home loans throughout my life (purchase or refi) I have never had appraisal waived. 

Why is it sexist (IMO)? Because he’s talking about something about which he has no idea and is claiming some weird superiority in this matter. Because (sarcasm here) obviously, I have no idea about finances as a little lady (despite being a CPA. And working in the home loan industry).

 

Wow this is infuriating. Both that he is treating you like you are dumb and that he is being actually dumb

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2 hours ago, VigoTheCarpathian said:

It’s an odd semantics question, and I don’t think you’d be shunned by a community for calling it a “threeway”.  I’d personally say that it would be considered group sex (more than two people present and participating) or the generic “threesome”...but as described, there were two “ways”, plus a rotating observer

That's certainly one way to view things. 

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3 hours ago, Tywin et al. said:



I have to ask because neither of us were sure, but does it count as a three way, in the MFF sense, if one woman watches you have sex with her friend, and then when said friend says she's sore and done, the watcher then jumps in, and the two of them have almost no physical interaction? She was equally curious because she had almost the same thing happen, just with a MMF scenario, and it was the only time she could recall having what felt like group sex for her.

The thought that I could wear one woman out and then try and satisfy another is so laughable. 

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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, Tywin et al. said:

That's certainly one way to view things. 

I was taking you at face value that you were truly asking for a POV/discussion with someone who has perspective or experience.

Edited by VigoTheCarpathian
Unnecessary words

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, BigFatCoward said:

The thought that I could wear one woman out and then try and satisfy another is so laughable. 

Probably more of a negative reflection on myself than you my friend.

22 minutes ago, VigoTheCarpathian said:

I was taking you at face value that you were truly asking for a POV/discussion with someone who has perspective or experience.

Certainly, based on this response, one other way to view things is that this was a sexual exploits brag with a question draped over the top like a Victorian doily for faux modesty.

It was very much an honest question. I've been asking them for years in these threads, though I take things a bit farther than others. Trust me, if I wanted to brag, I could tell you a lot more interesting stories. I actually started a thread encouraging others to share theirs, but it didn't take off (I also started the first International News thread, and that's been working as intended).

Edited by Tywin et al.

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So, about that friend I asked out recently and who shot me down. Another friend and I met her today (outside, appropriately distanced) for a walk. And there were a lot of other people about. A lot of families. A lot of families with very young children. And said friend was making a lot of very excited cooing noises, and then started talking excitedly about how baby-mad and broody she'd been feeling recently.

Look, I'm not gonna say that my feelings have totally disappeared, feelings don't really work that way. But holy hell they definitely shrunk today.

(And to be totally clear, I still have a lot of regard for her as a friend. But I'm also in retrospect very very glad she shot me down because jesus what a clusterfuck that would have been otherwise).

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42 minutes ago, Tywin et al. said:

It was very much an honest question.

If it was very much an honest question, then how come you responded to the one person actually giving you a detailed answer simply with “that’s one way to look at things”? I mean, if you were looking for an opportunity to geek out about terminology, there’s your opening right there! Your response sure makes it seem like you’re not all that interested in carrying on that kind of discussion, but rather just wanted to drop some ‘info’...

Quote

Trust me, if I wanted to brag, I could tell you a lot more interesting stories.

Ooooooh, please tell us more, almighty sex god! :rolleyes:

While I mostly lurk, I have been on this board for a decade and a half by now, and I have seen my fair share of threads (especially in the pre-floob days) where some very wild stuff was disclosed (in a non-braggy way) by a multitude of posters. I hate to tell ya, kid, but the kind of stuff you bring up is nothing special. A lot of people around here have had threesomes and so much more, but you seem to be the only one who (either implicitly or explicitly) feels the need to constantly bring that kind of stuff up all over the board, even in the U.S. Politics thread at times. You don’t seem like a bad guy overall, but your constant fratboy act is pretty tiring. Just saying...

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Posted (edited)

<deleted due to an embarrassing typo> :leaving:

Edited by Buckwheat

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1 hour ago, Ser Reptitious said:

If it was very much an honest question, then how come you responded to the one person actually giving you a detailed answer simply with “that’s one way to look at things”? I mean, if you were looking for an opportunity to geek out about terminology, there’s your opening right there! Your response sure makes it seem like you’re not all that interested in carrying on that kind of discussion, but rather just wanted to drop some ‘info’...

Ooooooh, please tell us more, almighty sex god! :rolleyes:

While I mostly lurk, I have been on this board for a decade and a half by now, and I have seen my fair share of threads (especially in the pre-floob days) where some very wild stuff was disclosed (in a non-braggy way) by a multitude of posters. I hate to tell ya, kid, but the kind of stuff you bring up is nothing special. A lot of people around here have had threesomes and so much more, but you seem to be the only one who (either implicitly or explicitly) feels the need to constantly bring that kind of stuff up all over the board, even in the U.S. Politics thread at times. You don’t seem like a bad guy overall, but your constant fratboy act is pretty tiring. Just saying...

Did I not say, from the get go, that I was discussing part of a long conversation a friend and I had? There was no bragging. It was specifically couched in that we were both wondering if these experiences qualified as three ways. If you think that's just fratboy talk, I think you've seen more movies than actual frat houses.

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@Tywin et al. and @Ser Reptitious - just sing kumbayah, together, ok? We are here to all support each other. True bad behavior should be brought to the attention of the mods.

If we want to get into a technical detail of what happened with Ty’s friend, I would personally call it a “Jerry Falwell, Jr”. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. It could be also technically defined as “voyeurism + participation” or a threesome. But, most importantly, it should be defined however *the participants themselves* define it. It’s not like anyone is going to get into a snit and say “well, you technically had a —, not a —-, and by the way, you should use the Oxford comma. REALLY.” There’s nothing that “qualifies” as a threesome except there are three people involved and they say they had one. 
 

@Buckwheat - so glad you had a good time!!! You are awesome!

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Fine, today is a holy day after all, and not the time to be angry about such things even if I don't think I'm wrong. 

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