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Chataya de Fleury

Dating thread - looking for love in all the wrong places

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8 hours ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

I bet you’ve probably got some good thoughts to share, too, when you’re comfortable.

Thoughts about what? I'm sorry, I have absolutely zero experience with the topic whatsoever.

8 hours ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

Most people outside their 20s (and many in their 20s) have a cautious approach to dating during the pandemic. Have you ever read the Washington Post’s “Date Lab” column? They are setting people up on either a socially distanced or zoom first date, and 99% of theM have done zoom.

Okay, I will look into it later if I have some time to spare.

But my main problem is that I have severe anxiety about phone calls or online conferences due to my mother having the tendency to charge in whenever she hears me talking in my room, saying that I'd have to deal with it in a work environment as well whenever I call her out on it and me getting nervous about it is a sign of incompetence. And if she catches me talking to a woman I never hear the end of it because she always gets ludicrously excited about me finally getting dating prospects whenever I let slip that someone I talked to is one.

9 hours ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

I don’t necessarily think it’s a bad thing that you live with your mom? How old are you? You could spin it as you’re looking after her, perhaps?

I'm already 27... I mean, technically I could say that I take care of her. Because technically she moved into my place due to my father running off to his affair and her being unable to pay the rent on her own. But that was more than 7 years ago and we have been tied together ever since due to the rents having further exploded and me being unable to finance two separate households. But I'm well aware that no matter how well I explain that, it's still a total disqualifying criterion because I'd be seen as lacking independence and experience.

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21 minutes ago, Toth said:

Thoughts about what? I'm sorry, I have absolutely zero experience with the topic whatsoever.

Okay, I will look into it later if I have some time to spare.

But my main problem is that I have severe anxiety about phone calls or online conferences due to my mother having the tendency to charge in whenever she hears me talking in my room, saying that I'd have to deal with it in a work environment as well whenever I call her out on it and me getting nervous about it is a sign of incompetence. And if she catches me talking to a woman I never hear the end of it because she always gets ludicrously excited about me finally getting dating prospects whenever I let slip that someone I talked to is one.

I'm already 27... I mean, technically I could say that I take care of her. Because technically she moved into my place due to my father running off to his affair and her being unable to pay the rent on her own. But that was more than 7 years ago and we have been tied together ever since due to the rents having further exploded and me being unable to finance two separate households. But I'm well aware that no matter how well I explain that, it's still a total disqualifying criterion because I'd be seen as lacking independence and experience.

Buy a lock and set some boundaries for starters, what could she do, Barge the door down?

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22 minutes ago, BigFatCoward said:

Buy a lock and set some boundaries for starters, what could she do, Barge the door down?

And then what? I'd still get interrogated afterwards. It's far easier for me to just not have any calls. Or video conferences in which someone had to see my face and get a glimpse on my cramped room behind me. And people maybe still hearing my mother knocking and calling out to me...

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Zoom calls have that background hiding feature that lots of people use. Use headphones and mute to hide background noise. We are all dealing with these issues right now 

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1 hour ago, Toth said:

But I'm well aware that no matter how well I explain that, it's still a total disqualifying criterion because I'd be seen as lacking independence and experience.

Nah, it is not. If you have found a job near where you live, then just say it makes much more financial sense to stay in your parents' household. I am literally in the same position, only I live with both my parents and a brother. I had planned to move out as soon as I would get a real job, and right now would be an ideal time to do it because my current job is quite far away, I would want to avoid a commute and the rents where my job is are cheaper than close to where I am now - but obviously it doesn't make sense to go search for a flat during the covid crisis. My last three dates all lived in their parents' houses/flats still (the last one said he was renovating the upper floor to live in by himself - it's a Slovene thing), and I don't hold that against any of them (I did, however, hold it against one when he said something like "my parents are planning to stay in their vacation house permanently, so I would stay in this flat alone and my future girlfriend could move in with me").

So, yes, it is much more comfortable to be able to bring a date home without involving family members, but it is not a dealbreaker.

I also teach and currently I have most of my classes out of my bedroom. When the Internet is acting out, I move to the kitchen and occasionally family members move past the camera behind me. Everybody deals with it.

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1 hour ago, Buckwheat said:

Nah, it is not. If you have found a job near where you live, then just say it makes much more financial sense to stay in your parents' household.

It's not exactly that close, I still have a 1 hour commute, it's just that it's cheap and I usually would have to pay double for a flat the same size. If I even find any. It's insanity here.

1 hour ago, Buckwheat said:

So, yes, it is much more comfortable to be able to bring a date home without involving family members, but it is not a dealbreaker.

Yes, but I read never having been independent is. When it comes down to it I lived on my own for not even a week before she moved in. I recently read the statistics that the average age for men to move out is 24, so I'm already drastically above it and that comes with all kinds of implications for outsiders.

1 hour ago, Buckwheat said:

I also teach and currently I have most of my classes out of my bedroom. When the Internet is acting out, I move to the kitchen and occasionally family members move past the camera behind me. Everybody deals with it.

I doubt my students would be this benevolent. I have a hard time getting treated with respect as it is due to me repeatedly being mistaken for underage. If they ever learned I live with my mother and especially ever witness her treating me like a little child, I can basically give up and bury myself in the ground.

And well, I guess it is becoming more and more obvious it would be plain unfair for me to expect anyone to want to deal with a guy with this much anxiety. I'm just a waste of time.

Edited by Toth

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On 10/29/2020 at 2:11 AM, larrytheimp said:

Ok now I gotta know.  How about Scott Burrell and Donyell Marshall?  Boo Willingham? (grew u next to UConn)

Only really saw Burrell from a distance, big dude, and on the beefy side for basketball player.  Donyell was slotted between Burrell and Knight, heightwise, but I couldn't say for sure on that one either, never interacted with any of those guys.  The Donny Marshall incident is fixed in my memory because my room mate thought it was hilarious that we and Donny and his buddy were the only 4 people in the elevator and rather than be celebrity struck, I just kind of gave him the stink eye when I realized he was about exactly my height.  Carl really enjoyed Donny's non verbal reaction.

One more story from that era, I'm hanging out at Huskies with by buddy Joe, getting our drink on.  Was fairly loud in there, as was often the case, and a couple guys shorter than me come in wearing the official UConn athletic dept sweat shirts (the rather plain ones they issued to all the athletes, not the merchandise).  They say hello to Joe, Joe introduces me and Joe and one of the guys go off to talk to someone else.  So I'm shooting the shit for about 15 minutes with this guy, just having a regular life conversation, the other two get back and I say "nice to meet you Kyle".  They leave and Joe looks at me like I have two heads.  "Kyle?  That was Kevin Ollie."  I assumed he was on the track team the whole time.  Nice guy, down to earth.  Got a bum deal when they voided his contract as coach IMO. 

 

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8 hours ago, Tywin et al. said:

Attractive and all around awesome massage therapist keeps being more flirty.  @HelenaExMachina, I hope your advice is right.

I'm drawing a blank as to what advice I gave, sorry. Was this a while ago?

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1 hour ago, HelenaExMachina said:

I'm drawing a blank as to what advice I gave, sorry. Was this a while ago?

Idk. But it was not to ask someone out while they're at work.

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I mentioned in the last thread I'd caught some major feelings for someone. But since she was already in a relationship, it was easy enough to resist acting on them. I would never try to break up an already existing relationship.

Readers, she is no longer in a relationship.

I'm not gonna do anything. Firstly because it's still kind of skeevy to swoop in on someone within days of a break-up (even if apparently it was more of an "it's complicated" situation rather than a full-on relationship). And secondly, because like I mentioned before, we have a major, non-compromisable incompatibility. But it sucks because now it's much harder to resist that insidious little voice telling me to go for it. When she was already spoken for, it was (relatively) easy to shrug my shoulders and tell myself oh well, plenty more fish in the sea. Now I feel conflicted, even though I know rationally there's nothing there.

 

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7 hours ago, Liffguard said:

I mentioned in the last thread I'd caught some major feelings for someone. But since she was already in a relationship, it was easy enough to resist acting on them. I would never try to break up an already existing relationship.

Readers, she is no longer in a relationship.

I'm not gonna do anything. Firstly because it's still kind of skeevy to swoop in on someone within days of a break-up (even if apparently it was more of an "it's complicated" situation rather than a full-on relationship). And secondly, because like I mentioned before, we have a major, non-compromisable incompatibility. But it sucks because now it's much harder to resist that insidious little voice telling me to go for it. When she was already spoken for, it was (relatively) easy to shrug my shoulders and tell myself oh well, plenty more fish in the sea. Now I feel conflicted, even though I know rationally there's nothing there.

 

Go for it. Why wouldn’t you? There’s a chance it might not work out. If you do nothing it definitely will never work out. Maybe use your own judgement on the timing but I don’t think you need to hem and haw about that. You’ve got an opening. Strike.

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8 hours ago, Liffguard said:

I mentioned in the last thread I'd caught some major feelings for someone. But since she was already in a relationship, it was easy enough to resist acting on them. I would never try to break up an already existing relationship.

Readers, she is no longer in a relationship.

I'm not gonna do anything. Firstly because it's still kind of skeevy to swoop in on someone within days of a break-up (even if apparently it was more of an "it's complicated" situation rather than a full-on relationship). And secondly, because like I mentioned before, we have a major, non-compromisable incompatibility. But it sucks because now it's much harder to resist that insidious little voice telling me to go for it. When she was already spoken for, it was (relatively) easy to shrug my shoulders and tell myself oh well, plenty more fish in the sea. Now I feel conflicted, even though I know rationally there's nothing there.

 

Sorry, what is it again? 

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8 hours ago, Liffguard said:

I mentioned in the last thread I'd caught some major feelings for someone. But since she was already in a relationship, it was easy enough to resist acting on them. I would never try to break up an already existing relationship.

Readers, she is no longer in a relationship.

I'm not gonna do anything. Firstly because it's still kind of skeevy to swoop in on someone within days of a break-up (even if apparently it was more of an "it's complicated" situation rather than a full-on relationship). And secondly, because like I mentioned before, we have a major, non-compromisable incompatibility. But it sucks because now it's much harder to resist that insidious little voice telling me to go for it. When she was already spoken for, it was (relatively) easy to shrug my shoulders and tell myself oh well, plenty more fish in the sea. Now I feel conflicted, even though I know rationally there's nothing there.

 

Do you know who initiated the split? If it was the third party, you are correct to wait. If it was her, it’s probably been over in her head for some time, and you should go ahead now- particularly since this is mostly just fling potential.

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Fuck buddy and I had some great marathon sex. I turned on Enter the Dragon when she came over and we were still going at it after the credits rolled. 

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5 hours ago, Tywin et al. said:

Sorry, what is it again? 

She wants kids. Like, really wants kids, and is dating with the explicitly stated intention of finding a long-term partner to eventually have kids with. I don't want kids, never have, and probably never will.

Also, as an aside, she's mutual friends with my ex. My ex and I are still friends ourselves, and on good terms, so it's not a dealbreaker or anything, but still a complicating factor.

Edited by Liffguard

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5 hours ago, Fury Resurrected said:

Do you know who initiated the split? If it was the third party, you are correct to wait. If it was her, it’s probably been over in her head for some time, and you should go ahead now- particularly since this is mostly just fling potential.

It was the third party. But, in her own words, she "wasn't actually that bothered and didn't shed any tears." Dude strung her along for months then dumped her by text message.

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I would say don't compromise on the kids part. That's exactly what broke my (very short) marriage, and it hurt so bad but there's really nothing you can do about it when one wants kids (me in our case) and the other one doesn't. Better to stay away. Unless you see yourself giving in eventually. Because you have to understand that she won't. That desire is something that nothing else can compensate for.

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4 hours ago, Liffguard said:

She wants kids. Like, really wants kids, and is dating with the explicitly stated intention of finding a long-term partner to eventually have kids with. I don't want kids, never have, and probably never will.

Also, as an aside, she's mutual friends with my ex. My ex and I are still friends ourselves, and on good terms, so it's not a dealbreaker or anything, but still a complicating factor.

I don't think the latter is all that big of a deal if all of you can be mature about it.

The kids aspect is tricky. Is there a specific reason why you don't want kids?

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5 hours ago, Liffguard said:

She wants kids. Like, really wants kids, and is dating with the explicitly stated intention of finding a long-term partner to eventually have kids with. I don't want kids, never have, and probably never will.

Also, as an aside, she's mutual friends with my ex. My ex and I are still friends ourselves, and on good terms, so it's not a dealbreaker or anything, but still a complicating factor.

If she is set on kids and you aren't, then don't be a dick and give her a pass. Otherwise you are just wasting her time that she will never get back.

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