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TheLastWolf

Funniest moments in the series

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Well?

Spoiler

P.S.

Not incl. F&B and the World book. AKOT7K allowed along with the 5 main ice and fire books. My take on the OP (or rather, title) will arrive later (not so later tho) due to lack of time and proper resources (like a goddamn Lap/Pc for instance)

 

Edited by TheLastWolf
Spoiled it ;-)

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For some reason, I really love the moment when Loras confronts Brienne for Renly’s murder, she claims that she would have died for him, and Loras draws his sword while replying “You will.”

I can imagine that it wasn’t supposed to be funny, but the sheer hyperbole of that moment makes me laugh every time. It’s almost a crime that we never got that moment on the abomination.

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I know it's basic but, Tormund. 

But also Stannis and Jaime had good ones:

 

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"Do you even know what honor is?"
A horse.
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"I am sorry to disturb you at your pleasure, my lord," said Jaime, with a half-smile, "but I am in some haste. May we talk?"
"Talk. Aye." Lord Jonos sheathed his sword. He was not quite so tall as Jaime, but he was heavier, with thick shoulders and arms that would have made a blacksmith envious. Brown stubble covered his cheeks and chin. His eyes were brown as well, the anger in them poorly hidden. "You took me unawares, my lord. I was not told of your coming."
"And I seem to have prevented yours." Jaime smiled at the woman in the bed.
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"A year ago I was scheming to make the girl Robert's queen," Renly said, "but what does it matter? The boar got Robert and I got Margaery. You'll be pleased to know she came to me a maid."
"In your bed she's like to die that way."
Quote
That took Lord Janos aback. He smiled uncertainly and began to sweat, but Bowen Marsh beside him said, "Who better to command the black cloaks than a man who once commanded the gold, sire?"
"Any of you, I would think. Even the cook." 
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"Wife and daughter both, Your Grace. Craster married all his daughters. Gilly's boy was the fruit of their union."
"Her own father got this child on her?" Stannis sounded shocked. "We are well rid of her, then. I will not suffer such abominations here. This is not King's Landing."

And I'm sure there's more

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Definitely Tormund, Jaime and Stannis, as @CamiloRP said above. 

This is quite funny as well.

AFfC, Brienne IV

"Ser Galladon was a champion of such valor that the Maiden herself lost her heart to him. She gave him an enchanted sword as a token of her love. The Just Maid, it was called. No common sword could check her, nor any shield withstand her kiss. Ser Galladon bore the Just Maid proudly, but only thrice did he unsheathe her. He would not use the Maid against a mortal man, for she was so potent as to make any fight unfair."
Crabb thought that was hilarious. "The Perfect Knight? The Perfect Fool, he sounds like. What's the point o' having some magic sword if you don't bloody well use it?"
"Honor," she said. "The point is honor."
That only made him laugh the louder. "Ser Clarence Crabb would have wiped his hairy arse with your Perfect Knight, m'lady. If they'd ever have met, there'd be one more bloody head sitting on the shelf at the Whispers, you ask me. 'I should have used the magic sword,' it'd be saying to all the other heads. 'I should have used the bloody sword.'"
Brienne could not help but smile. 

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Tom overheard him, and broke off his song. "You're a young fool, Archer. If we go to Riverrun it will only be to collect her ransom, won't be no time for you to sit about making bows. Be thankful if you get out with your hide. Lord Hoster was hanging outlaws before you were shaving. And that son of his . . . a man who hates music can't be trusted, I always say."
"It's not music he hates," said Lem. "It's you, fool."
"Well, he has no cause. The wench was willing to make a man of him, is it my fault he drank too much to do the deed?"
Lem snorted through his broken nose. "Was it you who made a song of it, or some other bloody arse in love with his own voice?"

"I only sang it the once," Tom complained. "And who's to say the song was about him? 'Twas a song about a fish."
"A floppy fish," said Anguy, laughing. (Arya IV, ASoS 22)

Months later . . .

"You could try." Jaime waited. When Edmure made no move to rise, he said, "I'll leave you to enjoy your food. Singer, play for our guest whilst he eats. You know the song, I trust."
"The one about the rain? Aye, my lord. I know it."
Edmure seemed to see the man for the first time. "No. Not him. Get him away from me." (Jaime VI, AFfC 38)

 

"Make it Ser Jaime the Kingslayer henceforth," Stannis said, frowning. (Davos I, ACoK 10)

 

 

"I have my faith to warm me." The red woman walked beside Jon down the steps. "His Grace is growing fond of you."
"I can tell. He only threatened to behead me twice." (Jon I, ADwD 3)
 
 
"Do I need to make you swear an oath before a tree?"
"No." Was that a jape? With Stannis, it was hard to tell. (Jon IV, ADwD 17)
 
There's way too many.
Edited by Alexis-something-Rose

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Anything by Dolorous Ed.

But Sansa had a few good ones, even when she doesn't know it:

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"Sweet one," he father said gently, "listen to me. When you are old enough, I will make you a match with a high lord who is worthy of you, someone brave and gentle and strong. This match with Joffrey was a terrible mistake. That boy is no Prince Aemon, you must believe me."

"He is," Sansa insisted. "I don't want someone brave and gentle. I want him."

And earlier:

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The older man in white spoke to Sansa gently. "Ofttimes, Ser Ilyn frightens me as well, sweet lady. He has a fearsome aspect."

"As well he should." The queen had descended from the wheelhouse. The spectators parted to make way for her. "If the wicked do not fear the king's justice, you have put the wrong man in office."

Sansa finally found her words. "Then surely you have chosen the right one, Your Grace," she said, and a gale of laughter erupted all around her.

And lots from Tyrion, but this one comes to mind:

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"To be sure. Dragons and stags, that's very clever. And dwarf's pennies as well. I have heard of these dwarf's pennies. No doubt collecting those is such a dreadful chore."

"I leave the collecting to others, my lady."

"Oh, do you? I would have thought you might want to tend to it yourself. We can't have the crown being cheated of its dwarf's pennies no. Can we?"

"Gods forbid." Tyrion was beginning to wonder whether Lord Luthor Tyrell had ridden off that cliff intentionally.

And while we're on the subject of Lady Olenna:

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"Loras is young," Lady Olenna said crisply, "and very good at knocking men off horses with a stick. That does not make him wise. As to your father, would that I had been born a peasant woman with a big wooden spoon, I might have been able to beat some sense into his fat head.

. . .

"The thought that one day he may see his grandson with his arse on the Iron Throne makes Mace puff up like a . . . now what do you call it? Margaery, you're clever, be a dear and tell your poor old half-daft grandmother the name of that queer fish from the Summer Isles that puffs up to ten times its own size when you poke it."

"They call them puff fish, Grandmother."

"Of course they do. Summer Islanders have no imagination."

. . .

"Yes, all the Lannisters are lions, and when a Tyrell breaks wind it smells just like a rose."

 

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35 minutes ago, Alexis-something-Rose said:

Tom overheard him, and broke off his song. "You're a young fool, Archer. If we go to Riverrun it will only be to collect her ransom, won't be no time for you to sit about making bows. Be thankful if you get out with your hide. Lord Hoster was hanging outlaws before you were shaving. And that son of his . . . a man who hates music can't be trusted, I always say."
"It's not music he hates," said Lem. "It's you, fool."
"Well, he has no cause. The wench was willing to make a man of him, is it my fault he drank too much to do the deed?"
Lem snorted through his broken nose. "Was it you who made a song of it, or some other bloody arse in love with his own voice?"

"I only sang it the once," Tom complained. "And who's to say the song was about him? 'Twas a song about a fish."
"A floppy fish," said Anguy, laughing. (Arya IV, ASoS 22)

Months later . . .

"You could try." Jaime waited. When Edmure made no move to rise, he said, "I'll leave you to enjoy your food. Singer, play for our guest whilst he eats. You know the song, I trust."
"The one about the rain? Aye, my lord. I know it."
Edmure seemed to see the man for the first time. "No. Not him. Get him away from me." (Jaime VI, AFfC 38)

I feel so stupid I missed that one! It's so cool!

 

35 minutes ago, John Suburbs said:

Anything by Dolorous Ed.

Also yes! my fave is

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"Well, no, some will need to walk." He shook himself. "Dywen now, he says we need to learn to ride dead horses, like the Others do. He claims it would save on feed. How much could a dead horse eat?" Edd laced himself back up. "Can't say I fancy the notion. Once they figure a way to work a dead horse, we'll be next. Likely I'll be the first too. 'Edd,' they'll say, 'dying's no excuse for lying down no more, so get on up and take this spear, you've got the watch tonight.' Well, I shouldn't be so gloomy. Might be I'll die before they work it out."

 

Edited by CamiloRP
splling

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11 hours ago, Widowmaker 811 said:

Most of Walder Frey's lines are funny. 

True, him roasting Merrett Frey was pretty funny.

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"The thing is, you did not know the Starks. Lord Eddard is a proud, honorable, and honest man, and his lady wife is worse.

.

My gentle sister seems to have mistaken me for Ned Stark."

"I hear he was taller."

"Not after Joff took off his head

.

A bark of hysterical laughter burst from his lips. "Oh, gods," he said. "Jaime, I am so sorry, but . . . gods be good, look at the two of us. Handless and Noseless, the Lannister boys."

"There were days when my hand smelled so bad I wished I was noseless." Jaime lowered the torch, so the light bathed his brother's face. "An impressive scar."

Tyrion turned away from the glare. "They made me fight a battle without my big brother to protect me."

"I heard tell you almost burned the city down."

"A filthy lie. I only burned the river."

.

“The Second Sons have no place for mummers,” the bravo in pink said scornfully. “It’s fighters we need.”

“I’ve brought you one.” Tyrion jerked a thumb at Mormont.

“That creature?” The bravo laughed. “An ugly brute, but scars alone don’t make a Second Son.”

Tyrion rolled his mismatched eyes. “Lord Plumm, who are these two friends of yours? The pink one is annoying.”

The bravo curled a lip, whilst the fellow with the quill chuckled at his insolence. But it was Jorah Mormont who supplied their names. “Inkpots is the company paymaster. The peacock calls himself Kasporio the Cunning, though Kasporio the Cunt would be more apt. A nasty piece of work.”

Mormont’s face might have been unrecognizable in its battered state, but his voice was unchanged. Kasporio gave him a startled look, whilst the wrinkles around Plumm’s eyes crinkled in amusement. “Jorah Mormont? Is that you? Less proud than when you scampered off, though. Must we still call you ser?”

Ser Jorah’s swollen lips twisted into a grotesque grin. “Give me a sword and you can call me what you like, Ben.”

Kasporio edged backward. “You … she sent you away …”

“I came back. Call me a fool.”

A fool in love. Tyrion cleared his throat. “You can talk of old times later …

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On 10/29/2020 at 11:50 AM, CamiloRP said:

I feel so stupid I missed that one! It's so cool!

 

Also yes! my fave is

 

Quote

"Place was overrun with rats when we moved in. The spearwives killed the nasty buggers. Now the place is overrun with spearwives. There's days I want the rats back."

 

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On 10/29/2020 at 5:23 PM, TheLastWolf said:

My take on the OP (or rather, title) will arrive later (not so later tho) due to lack of time and proper resources (like a goddamn Lap/Pc for instance)

Now

Quote

…The Mad King's daughter is alive, and she's hatched herself three dragons."

"Three?" said Roone, astonished.

Leo patted his hand. "More than two and less than four. I would not try for my golden link just yet if I were you."

 

Quote

"All of you?" Leo shrugged. "Well, Rosey will remain. Perhaps I'll wake our little sweetmeat and make a woman of her."

Alleras saw the look on Pate's face. "If he does not have a copper for a cup of wine, he cannot have a dragon for the girl."

"Aye," said Mollander. "Besides, it takes a man to make a woman. Come with us, Pate. 

 

Quote

…That was how Lord Tywin Lannister dealt with whores. He never . . . this woman was here for some other purpose, not for . . ."

"Perhaps his lordship was questioning the girl about her mistress,"

…."That's so." Cersei seized on the suggestion eagerly. "He was questioning her, to be sure. There can be no doubt." She could see Tyrion leering, his mouth twisted into a monkey's grin beneath the ruin of his nose. And what better way to question her than naked, with her legs well spread? the dwarf whispered. That's how I like to question her too…..

 

Quote

 You must take Father's place as Hand. You see that now, surely. Tommen will need you . . ."

He pushed away from her and raised his arm, forcing his stump into her face. "A Hand without a hand? A bad jape, sister. Don't ask me to rule."

Bad jape or not, funny enough for me

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Joffrey had been murdered before he could bed the girl, but she had been wed to Renly first . . . A man may prefer the taste of hippocras, yet if you set a tankard of ale before him, he will quaff it quick enough. 

Wicked grin

Quote

No mouse is a match for Septon Jorquen. Very slowly, Sam took hold of the book with his left hand. It was thick and heavy, and when he tried to lift it one-handed, it slipped from his plump fingers and thumped back down. The mouse was gone in half a heartbeat, skittery-quick. Sam was relieved. Squishing the poor little thing would have given him nightmares. "You shouldn't eat the books, though," he said aloud. Maybe he should bring more cheese the next time he came down here.

 

Quote

A snowflake landed on Sam's nose. "Jon wants to see me?"

"As to that, I could not say," said Dolorous Edd Tollett. "I never wanted to see half the things I've seen, and I've never seen half the things I wanted to. I don't think wanting comes into it. You'd best go all the same. Lord Snow wishes to speak with you as soon as he is done with Craster's wife."

"Gilly."

That's the one. If my wet nurse had looked like her, I'd still be on the teat. Mine had whiskers."

Dolorous Edd Tollett gave a sigh. "When I was a lad, we only ate mice on special feast days. I was the youngest, so I always got the tail. There's no meat on the tail."

Oh Edd. smh. funny all the time.

Quote

…"I have to go. It's past time that I fed them. I'll be leaking all over myself if I don't go."…. Sam cursed himself for a clumsy oaf as he smoothed the pages down and brushed them off. Gilly's presence always flustered him and gave rise to . . . well, risings. A Sworn Brother of the Night's Watch should not be feeling the sorts of things that Gilly made him feel, especially when she would talk about her breasts and . . .

Awkward situations are always my fav. @Alyn Oakenfist , FAT PINK MAST was funny too

Quote

 pecking so hard that Sam yelped and snatched his hand back. The raven took to the air again, and yellow and red kernels went everywhere.

"Close the door, Sam." Faint scars still marked Jon's cheek, where an eagle had once tried to rip his eye out. "Did that wretch break the skin?"

Sam eased the books down and peeled off his glove. "He did." He felt faint. "I'm bleeding."

"We all shed our blood for the Watch. 

Sam the Slayer indeed!

Quote

"Mother." Tommen tugged her sleeve. "What smells so bad?"

My lord father. "Death.

Cersei in Feast is totally awesome in sarcasm and scorn. I cant spare the time to fully list them out, so here's a thread, about that a few weeks or months ago. No track of time.

Going thru funny scenes in AFFC one chap. at a time. More to follow. adios

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The Jaime chapter in A Dance with Dragons is pretty funny, when he first meets with Jonos Bracken while he was having sex with Hildy. Hildys interaction with Jaime was also pretty funny.

"Talk. Aye." Lord Jonos sheathed his sword. He was not quite so tall as Jaime, but he was heavier, with thick shoulders and arms that would have made a blacksmith envious. Brown stubble covered his cheeks and chin. His eyes were brown as well, the anger in them poorly hidden. "You took me unawares, my lord. I was not told of your coming."

"And I seem to have prevented yours." Jaime smiled at the woman in the bed.

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Cersei, although she is malevolence personified, has moments when she is hilarious. 

 

""Try not to sound so like a mouse, Sansa. You're a woman now, remember? And betrothed to my firstborn." The queen sipped at her wine. "Were it anyone else outside the gates, I might hope to beguile him. But this is Stannis Baratheon. I'd have a better chance of seducing his horse." She noticed the look on Sansa's face, and laughed. "

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On 10/30/2020 at 6:30 AM, Hugorfonics said:

Tyrion turned away from the glare. "They made me fight a battle without my big brother to protect me."

This one gets to me on an emotional level. 

 

"Why did you even come to treat with me?"
"A siege is deadly dull. I wanted to see this stump of yours and hear whatever excuses you cared to offer up for your latest enormities. They were feebler than I'd hoped. You always disappoint, Kingslayer." The Blackfish wheeled his mare and trotted back toward Riverrun. The portcullis descended with a rush, its iron spikes biting deep into the muddy ground.
 
 
Jaime hit him. It was a backhand blow delivered with his golden hand, but the force of it sent Ser Ryman stumbling backward into the arms of his whore. "You have a fat head, Ser Ryman, and a thick neck as well. Ser Ilyn, how many strokes would it take you to cut through that neck?"
Ser Ilyn laid a single finger against his nose.
Jaime laughed. "An empty boast. I say three."
 
 
"Ser Ryman did. Rode up to the castle gates half-drunk and blustering, making threats. The Blackfish appeared on the ramparts long enough to say that he would not waste fair words on foul men. Then he put an arrow in the rump of Ryman's palfrey. The horse reared, Frey fell into the mud, and I laughed so hard I almost pissed myself. If it had been me inside the castle, I would have put that arrow through Ryman's lying throat."
 
 
"And your sister, that one, she's full as bad. It was, oh, a year ago, no more, Jon Arryn was still the King's Hand, and I went to the city to see my sons ride in the tourney. Stevron and Jared are too old for the lists now, but Danwell and Hosteen rode, Perwyn as well, and a couple of my bastards tried the melee. If I'd known how they'd shame me, I would never have troubled myself to make the journey. Why did I need to ride all that way to see Hosteen knocked off his horse by that Tyrell whelp? I ask you. The boy's half his age, Ser Daisy they call him, something like that. And Danwell was unhorsed by a hedge knight! Some days I wonder if those two are truly mine. My third wife was a Crakehall, all of the Crakehall women are sluts. Well, never mind about that, she died before you were born, what do you care?"
 
 
As for his lady wife, she found him a great disappointment from the first, and insisted on popping out nothing but girls for years; three live ones, a stillbirth, and one that died in infancy before she finally produced a son. His eldest daughter had turned out to be a slut, his second a glutton. When Ami was caught in the stables with no fewer than three grooms, he'd been forced to marry her off to a bloody hedge knight. That situation could not possibly get any worse, he'd thought . . . until Ser Pate decided he could win renown by defeating Ser Gregor Clegane. Ami had come running back a widow, to Merrett's dismay and the undoubted delight of every stablehand in the Twins.
 
Merrett had dared to hope that his luck was finally changing when Roose Bolton chose to wed his Walda instead of one of her slimmer, comelier cousins. The Bolton alliance was important for House Frey and his daughter had helped secure it; he thought that must surely count for something. The old man had soon disabused him. "He picked her because she's fat," Lord Walder said. "You think Bolton gave a mummer's fart that she was your whelp? Think he sat about thinking, 'Heh, Merrett Muttonhead, that's the very man I need for a good-father'? Your Walda's a sow in silk, that's why he picked her, and I'm not like to thank you for it. We'd have had the same alliance at half the price if your little porkling put down her spoon from time to time."

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"So young," said Wyman Manderly. "Though mayhaps this was a blessing. Had he lived, he would have grown up to be a Frey."

-Biting, clever, and insulting, but not to the point that should draw ire, yet, manages to draw ire from weak minded fools.-

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"I can answer," Sansa said quickly, to quell her prince's anger. She smiled at the green knight. "Your helmet bears golden antlers, my lord. The stag is the sigil of the royal House. King Robert has two brothers. By your extreme youth, you can only be Renly Baratheon, Lord of Storm's End and councillor to the king, and so I name you."
Ser Barristan chuckled. "By his extreme youth, he can only be a prancing jackanapes, and so I name him."
- This lays out from the start how much a non-entity that Renly is and how much Selmy calls him out. Also, a most 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail-esque' faux-chivalry joke.

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