Mental Wellbeing 2

[Liffguard]

7 hours ago, BigFatCoward said:

It's extremely important to recognise what you can and cant control. You have taken the only steps you can at this time to keep busy and avoid isolation. Good for you. 

Unfortunately, as most people in my life would tell you, recognising what I can't control has never been my strong suit. Or rather, I can recognise it, but I can never bring myself to accept it. Possibly something for me to work on.

[Spockydog]

On 11/2/2020 at 11:50 PM, Chataya de Fleury said:

The chain is ongoing. 

Yes, a bit like a human centipede, with The People stitched in firmly towards the rear. But if those at the very front of the centipede, instead of getting richer and richer whilst the world goes to shit for millions, went on a diet for twelve months, think of what might be accomplished.

 

[Lizard Queen]

I've been much more social in recent years (well, not really during the pandemic, obviously) since I've overcome much of my shyness. I see people as being more screwed up than I used to. That sounds disparaging, but I don't mean that way. I think people have their own wonderful traits too. I also think many of our good and bad tendencies come from the same places within us. Everyone's flawed and damaged though -- I don't think that's an issue if you're holding your own and treating other people with dignity. I had low self-esteem and was intimidated by other people. Seeing other people as being much more flawed than I used to has been comforting over disappointing (for the aforementioned reasons). At this point, I feel like I'm about as perfect/imperfect as the next guy, so there's no reason to worry about myself.

[Lizard Queen]

I feel like I'm struggling to feel a comfortable sense of normalcy lately. As in, I just tend to feel weird and un-anchored to anything. I feel like any new changes somewhat perturb me easily, and I'm a more go-with-the-flow sort who generally adjusts to changes well. My roommate's new boyfriend physically spent about the half the week in here for about two weeks in a row and it got to me (lol). I complained, and while I didn't mean I wanted him to never return, she's not had him back here since. I made a new friend and the sudden daily conversations with them made me feel weird. I tried online dating again but pretty much quit a week into it for feeling weird. But I've felt weird even when nothing new was happening too at times, or that I noticed anyway. 

I think lot of this might have to do with the fact that I'm back in school when I definitely spent most my life up to this point in school. My college years had the same basic routine -- worked nearly full-time, and mostly in person, full-time classes. Now I do online classes, I'm not working, and I'm at home most the time. I think going back to something that was very normal for me in such a different way is probably what's causing me to feel strange. I also lost that other friend very early on at the start of school.

 

In other vents, I keep struggling with self-motivation at home...

Edited November 13, 2020 by Lizard Queen

[RhaenysBee]

Phew. While objectively I have little to nothing to complain about, this week felt absolutely horrible and now I’m sitting under my bedroom window and crying over... well nothing. Let’s put it down to hormones at least in part. 

I think I’m going through what most people went through in spring, I’m just late to the game as I am to everything else in life. In spring I quarantined at my family home in the country because everything was uncertain and that was what basic instinct told most people to do. Then two weeks into the telework struggles I quit my job and - I suppose now is the time to admit and own up to this - I was quite glad that an excuse had presented itself over which I could back out of several months of home office struggles and went on to enjoy not having to hold down a full time office job like this. So I only had to cope with the coronavirus anxiety. Then restrictions were lifted and I was without a job and even though I did have duties and tasks and errands, I also had time (of which I failed to make the most of as usual) and that felt great. Well not great but sustainable, I felt useful and contributing yet I had time to walk around the city and read books and have coffee and get fresh air and exercise and all that helped coping with current affairs, private problems and coronavirus stress and anxiety. 

Now, however, I’m holed up in my bedroom alllllllll day and I’m not even doing work at this point I’m just struggling with technical issues, systems, IT setups and not know what my job will be (professionally this is boring and tiresome) while worrying about not being motivated/proactive/dedicated/whatever bullshit modern workplaces like to feed you. This is awful both physically and mentally. And when the clock finally strikes 4-5pm, I can’t go for a three hour walk to pick up a coffee and breathe fresh air and feel like I’m human because masks are mandatory on the street, coffee shops are closed and there’s an 8pm curfew. So I’m just stuck in my bedroom basically because in any other area of the flat sister and I bother each other. This makes me angry with her for several reasons, but to be honest it’s just projection and I don’t want to give in to blaming her things. It is my character’s shortcoming that I’ve given up on trying to navigate cohabiting in an assertive manner because I’m too tired of it and there’s too much resentment and there’s too much other tension in me that I don’t want to project into this topic. I also feel guilty that I want her to move. Which is absolutely entirely 100% stupid and ludicrous, but I do. And she’ll never move, like I just don’t see it happening. Maybe in the new year? I have no idea. And I’m not trying to rush it at this point, because when I did, that didn’t work either. I mean when I tried rushing the completion of the flat and her moving. Neither worked, so I suppose not doing anything is less work at least? And with this new semi-lockdown and no social life or human contact, I get that she doesn’t want to move. I also get that she doesn’t want to move from comfort level 8 to comfort level 4. But then what was the point of one year of Work and the insane amount of money that went into the renovation and the lost revenue of renting the flat out after a quicker and cheaper Reno? I kinda don’t want to think about that because that project gave me such positive feels and I don’t want that to turn into a worthlessness and guilt package. 

So yes. Home office sucks, lockdown sucks and I miss living alone and daring to sit on my sofa and watch a YouTube video without headphones after I made noise with the kettle. What else is new? Then again, others have done home office and lockdown before me who had it more difficult, I have a roof over my head, I have money to cover my comfortable living, a nice job to sustain that money and my family is healthy. So objectively I have nothing to complain about at all and I have zero reason to feel shit. It’s so stupid.  
 

update: okay, I’m fine. Went for a walk, albeit short, bought two bottles of wine and found two perfect books at a random charity shop cart. They are two very specific volumes of a series that I would never have found if I searched for them. Just the sheer luck of this cheered me up. And the Christmas lights at the mall and... well... human beings. (Anyway it’s quite ironic that the mall is stufffffffed yet I can’t walk around on the street without a mask. I mean, isn’t it more likely that I get infected in a mask in the artificially ventilated interior of a shopping mall rather than on the street in open air without a mask? ) it is what it is. At least I feel human again. Will try to do a longer walk tomorrow and see if I can find any shop that’s still allowed to sell me a hot beverage to drink in a park. 

Edited November 13, 2020 by RhaenysBee

[RhaenysBee]

Well well well, a weekend in my family wouldn’t be a weekend if it were pleasant and relaxing right?

/snip because this isn’t even about my mental health, it’s just bitching about other people and that’s unfair. 

Oh well, I’ll just make myself a whiskey tea and do some ironing. 

Edited November 25, 2020 by RhaenysBee

[RhaenysBee]

So here’s my problem.

Why do I feel an obsessive need to solve messes my sister gets herself into because I don’t want her to ever experience hardship even though it is hardship that will teach her to not get herself into these messes. I do not, should not and cannot have control over how she handles her life, yet I still feel responsible and find it impossibly difficult to just stand by and not go out of my way to solve the problem. Well not solve, solution would be her learning to not end up like this, what I do is just put a bandaid and lotion on these things. 

Another aspect of this toxic sisterhood we have is that every time she is awful to me 12 hours later I find myself feeling bad and guilty about having taken offense and not forgiven her immediately. The reality is, I shouldn’t, because these things are not okay and thus the answer to “so I should apologize...” shouldn’t be “fine don’t worry it’s okay” because it’s not okay. So yeah, just one more reason why I shouldn’t ever have kids. I would fuck them up the way sister and I were by our parents and each other.

And while there’s an insane amount of guilt and resent about her moving too, it’s really really really unhealthy for us to live together. Which is a thought/feeling/opinion that also makes me feel guilty because just how damn privileged we are that we can afford not getting along and living is separate apartments. When for so many people it’d be fortunate to have even one place to share for siblings while one or both are at school. 

So I suppose what I need to think about and work on is how I handle guilt and rationalizing what I should feel responsible for and what I shouldn’t. And most of all how to take steps and action to change things instead of staying in my Own head and think more about thoughts already there. Because I’m very good at thinking about stuff, I just suck at translating those thoughts into actions that actually help. 

[Lizard Queen]

Long vent... Are there spoiler boxes ? 

Edit: Yes there are!

I've had some fecking drama with the person I'm no longer friends with. We pretty much quit speaking early October after, I think, (or I know I did xP) accidentally upsetting each other in a conversation that went south. Our friendship became distanced early September because he wanted to be with me but I liked him platonically...

Something else to this is that we have mutual friends in common, and so we will inevitably run into one another.

I sent some texts early November about how there was an awkward tension between us after, well, previous events, and that us ignoring one another made it worse. He ignored my first text, then I sent another days later (November 5th) that briefly reiterated how I hoped we could be more civil by not totally ignoring one another. I admit that I made a remark and a joke that were passive-aggressive in the last text (about him ignoring that text which contained what I thought was something important to discuss), but I was friendly and respectful otherwise. 

 

I don't want to rehash everything because I came to vent more than anything.

He sent a very rude text this Saturday (I didn't attend a hike with our group that I helped organize -- I expect he thought I dropped in attendance because he said he was going).

He made no comment on my request for more civil relations, just answered a question I had in the previous texts and then said I'd been "bat shit crazy" and that it made him think I'm "loco" for a request I made almost a month ago. The text shocked me and upset me at first. I don't know where his anger came from, but I have some guesses. We barely spoke at all after the conflict in early October. I texted about maybe 3 different matters on separate occasions for each (if that makes sense) (including us becoming more peaceful) and I was friendly and polite in all of those texts. I did try to make polite small talk in them, which was ignored.

In one of the texts, I made a request which I think might have pissed him off? Well, it is what he called me "loco" for, even though he originally offered of his volition to do what I requested him to do? I declined at the time. When I made the request, I took it back some hours later and apologized. No response from him. He didn't say anything about the request either. Maybe me asking him to do something I said I didn't want him to do previously frustrated him? Maybe he thought I was selfishly ignoring his "leave me alone" signs when I tried to make any small talk? Maybe he thought I was trying to get the friendship back (he claimed I'd been texting "constantly" about our lost friendship during our conflict :/)? 

 

Well anyway, the text upset me. And I'm not sure how to interact with him whenever I see next him in person (probably won't happen for a couple of months). I don't think he will be rude to me in person, besides ignoring me possibly. Well, whatever. I probably won't be around him for awhile. He may cool off a lot by then. I suspect he has a dim view of me right now, for calling me crazy and everything...

What an asshole to send me such verbal abuse, especially with no explanation as to why he's upset with me in the first place! He and other friends organized a bonfire Friendsgiving. He sent a WhatsApp text out to those of us who didn't know or hadn't responded. The message started out with "I hope you're all having a great Thanksgiving week". Even though that wasn't directly/exclusively to me, it angered me to read that when he'd called me "bat shit crazy" just days before, nearly as part of the same week. 

I wanted to send an angry text calling him out on being cruel and ridiculous, and telling him to not harass or disrespect me. But I strongly felt that would go nowhere and make things worse. I told another friend about this, who also is friends with this guy, and he also felt there would be no convincing a-hole of anything. So I don't plan on responding to the text. I've just blocked him over text and WhatsApp in the mean time so he can't send shitty messages at least .

Ah well. This will probably smooth over sooner or later... 

Edited November 29, 2020 by Lizard Queen

[Toth]

Me too, but for me it's posting shit in forums and the like. I guess it's a side effect of reaching rock bottom in terms of loneliness and anxiety.

I'm sorry I have to vent my nonsense again, but it's just insane... Basically I had been at my most effective last Wednesday when I was correcting exams wearing a jacket in the freezing cold staff room with no ways to distract myself. At home the situation however is really bad. I'm extremely desperate to get my remaining exams corrected, design the next batch of exams, have to prepare my lessons for the week and homeschooling for all the quarantined students, all the while my mother is suffocatingly angry all the time about the state of the flat and pretty much constantly berating me for sitting at the desk all day and not help enough with the chores, so I have to abandon my work every hour or two to do a cleaning thing or two and then return and get distracted with the internet again while my mother keeps harping on me from the next room over.

And yes, I'm pretty sure I'm only posting so much shit right now and then anxiously check for replies because the only other option would be to scream uncontrollably about how miserable I feel right now and that I have absolutely nobody to talk to. I feel like bursting, but I'm also well aware that everyone else is just as busy and it's horrible of me to waste precious minutes complaining.

[Inkdaub]

Complaining is one of life's great joys.  There are no minutes too precious for complaining.

[RhaenysBee]

On 11/29/2020 at 2:34 PM, Toth said:

Me too, but for me it's posting shit in forums and the like. I guess it's a side effect of reaching rock bottom in terms of loneliness and anxiety.

I'm sorry I have to vent my nonsense again, but it's just insane... Basically I had been at my most effective last Wednesday when I was correcting exams wearing a jacket in the freezing cold staff room with no ways to distract myself. At home the situation however is really bad. I'm extremely desperate to get my remaining exams corrected, design the next batch of exams, have to prepare my lessons for the week and homeschooling for all the quarantined students, all the while my mother is suffocatingly angry all the time about the state of the flat and pretty much constantly berating me for sitting at the desk all day and not help enough with the chores, so I have to abandon my work every hour or two to do a cleaning thing or two and then return and get distracted with the internet again while my mother keeps harping on me from the next room over.

And yes, I'm pretty sure I'm only posting so much shit right now and then anxiously check for replies because the only other option would be to scream uncontrollably about how miserable I feel right now and that I have absolutely nobody to talk to. I feel like bursting, but I'm also well aware that everyone else is just as busy and it's horrible of me to waste precious minutes complaining.

I’m really sorry about all this.

I suppose what sucks most about lockdowns is the only place to escape is online. You can’t sit and work in a cafe when you’re sick of your office and you can’t go and hide in a cinema when you’re sick of your family.

I don’t know your mother, but my guess is she’s only projecting her own frustrations. Which doesn’t make it right of course, but we are all only human. 

Is there any way for you to get out of the house at all? Even for a walk? So you aren’t stuck in between family stress and work stress. 

As for complaining, we tend to link some type of shame or lack of gratitude for the good in our lives to this practice, but in reality, it’s downright essential and healthy  to express negative feelings and get troubles off one’s shoulders. Not doing so just causes cancer. 

Hope the situation improves and your workload will ease a little at least. 

[Rippounet]

On 11/29/2020 at 2:34 PM, Toth said:

Me too, but for me it's posting shit in forums and the like. I guess it's a side effect of reaching rock bottom in terms of loneliness and anxiety.

[...]

And yes, I'm pretty sure I'm only posting so much shit right now and then anxiously check for replies because the only other option would be to scream uncontrollably about how miserable I feel right now and that I have absolutely nobody to talk to. I feel like bursting, but I'm also well aware that everyone else is just as busy and it's horrible of me to waste precious minutes complaining.

Christ, I thought I was the only one losing it on forums.
So far, like you, I've been losing my shit online exclusively, and not dramatically just yet.

Today Moodle froze in the middle of an online test for the second time in a week. Dozens of panicked students sent me emails about it, and I... just can't anymore. Everything combined... At this point I just want to get so high I can forget my own name.

I might try that tonight as a matter of fact. Once I have graded the 118 tests that did actually work of course.

[RhaenysBee]

I am so done. So done with everything and everyone, the world, my life, the stupid shit I’ve got to deal with out of my own fault and of others and of circumstances. 

I’m just tired of it all and I’m tired to doing everything on my own without help. Not even to do things instead of me, just to think with me and plan with me  and not hinder me. I am tired of fighting over everything and for everything and I’m tired of struggling with systems and people and I’m really really really tired of each step forward costing two backwards.

I just want to cuddle my cuddliest dog. 

[Buckwheat]

I am so sorry for everything you all are going through. A big big non-creepy Internet  to you, who are feeling down, sad, depressed, stressed and lacking motivation. Please keep venting, the forum is a good place for it and there is always somebody reading.

For me, working is actually what is keeping my sanity as it keeps me busy most of the time. Yes, it is very stressful, being online, in front of the damn camera all the time, and staying on top of all the emails and assignments to correct and all, but it is what makes me get up in the morning. I have been increasingly lacking motivation to do it these days. Last week somebody said in an (online, of course) meeting that our students are losing motivation, are under a lot of stress with the online schooling, that we need to be supportive to them and help them too ... and I almost cried with the thought: "How am I going to be strong and supportive for a bunch of teenagers if I don't even feel strong and supportive enough for myself?"

So here am I trying to at least support other online teachers in this situation now. You can do it, we all can do it and we will go back to schooling on location soon!  

[Lizard Queen]

I got tired of working in my room, and I think my mind had a hard time not associating it with "off the clock" so I just wouldn't stay on task well in there. The small change that was moving to the living room seems to have made a world of difference, ha . I've never hanged out in here much, so maybe that was why I came to view it as a place to work (and switch into the according mindset) pretty easily. 

I bought a stationary bike desk weeks before quarantine began where I live (I had no idea quarantine was coming at the time). I've been using it a lot again. I just don't get as sleepy using it like I do if I'm just sitting, and it obviously allows me to conveniently exercise, so that makes me happy.

I'm still having motivational troubles, but these small changes seemed to have been very helpful... And that makes my spirits better. 

Edited December 3, 2020 by Lizard Queen

[RhaenysBee]

Why am I crying all fucking day? 

First I cried because... I don’t even remember why I cried. I was anxious about covid and Christmas and I just remember pulling myself together because I had a video call with a new intern. 
Then I cried because my sister said she wouldn’t go home for the weekend like she planned and I was really hoping to spend a day or two alone. And I cried because I felt ashamed of feeling this way too . 
Then I cried because I was worried about my family dog and seeing him on FaceTime made me cry. 
Then I cried because I posted in our friends’ Facebook group asking for everybody’s updated address to ship Christmas gifts and I realized I really miss my friends and I had somewhat of an intense disagreement with one of them the other day I still feel both butthurt and guilty about that as I’m a shit person, as illustrated bellow. 
Then I cried because sister said she’d go home after all, then she changed her mind again and we had a bit of a clash about that, then she came back and told me she would figure it out and go because she knows I want to be alone on my birthday and this makes me feel soooooooooooo insanely guilty and ashamed and I don’t know how I live with myself. 

So then I cried more because I’m a shit person who should count her blessings to have a healthy and whole sister and not want her to go away out of petty selfishness and her own lack of assertiveness to establish a livable cohabiting and healthy relationship. 

And now I’m crying because I saw a wizard of Oz bookmark ad on Instagram and that reminded me of a Christmas card with a pair of sparkly red shoes I had seen on Etsy and I remembered that if real life was a cheesy romcom, I would send that Christmas card to my father because he used to play wizard of oz with me when I was little and the ruby slippers were what brought Dorothy home. 

Tell me now, what type of sick mutation of a period is this? I’m used to a bit of crying and the urge to murder even a tea spoon if it annoys me, but this is female cycle on the next level... Who am I today?  

Edited December 3, 2020 by RhaenysBee

[RhaenysBee]

Ah, thank you. And I’m sorry about your being so overworked. Is it going to get easier during the holidays?

 

meanwhile, my sister traveled to the country for like 24 hours after all. This didn’t keep us from harakiriing each other via text message and ruining each other’s evening, of course. So even physical distance hardly helps. I swear our relationship is the most toxic thing I’ve ever seen. Even more so than our parents’ marriage. It’s just unbearable. And I’m sure she feels the same and I’m not blameless in it at all either. But the level of toxicity never ever ceases to shock me. 

[Toth]

Ah yes, I actually managed to feel a bit better about myself, but of course I had to be struck down by a massive headache that refuses to go away. Gah...

Interestingly this is opposed to... damn, two weeks ago. I got the bright idea to draw a sketch as a way to take a breather... which itself is already weird given that I can't draw for shit, but to get the perspective right I shot a selfie and looking at it just felt miserable afterwards. After the whole exchange here in the Dating thread I wondered whether I should try my luck downloading an app this spring, but just the idea of trying to sell myself with a picture is ludicrous to me. I hate absolutely everything about how I look...

On 12/1/2020 at 2:43 PM, RhaenysBee said:

I suppose what sucks most about lockdowns is the only place to escape is online. You can’t sit and work in a cafe when you’re sick of your office and you can’t go and hide in a cinema when you’re sick of your family.

I mean... the weirdest aspect of that whole global pandemic thing is the fact that nothing at all changed in how I live my life. I was able to work in a library to get away from the madness at home back when I was at university, but ever since I became a teacher proper, my life has always been just home and school. The only difference now is that I have additional workload in regards to keeping in touch with the quarantined students on top of the regular teaching.

I'm sorry to hear about your inner conflicts right now. I'm getting the feeling being stuck at home with your sister lets you go up the wall in a way not too dissimilar to me. I guess I am in no position to give constructive advice, but know that trying to wrap your head around all your troubles, real or perceived, at the same time is what is overwhelming you. When you realize that happening, take a deep breath and say "One step at a time" and focus on whatever you wanted to do right in the moment.

I know... I'm one to tell... but still.^^

[RhaenysBee]

8 minutes ago, Toth said:

mean... the weirdest aspect of that whole global pandemic thing is the fact that nothing at all changed in how I live my life. I was able to work in a library to get away from the madness at home back when I was at university, but ever since I became a teacher proper, my life has always been just home and school. The only difference now is that I have additional workload in regards to keeping in touch with the quarantined students on top of the regular teaching.

It didn’t change too much about my life either apart from the anxiety it gives to my little paranoid and hypochondriac brain. I did quit my old job because of a covid related situation and I guess I would have traveled a few times or spent more time in cafes during the summer if it wasn’t for Covid. But I generally go out very little anyway and don’t often meet friends in person because I’m introverted and they live in different cities/countries (respectively). What it did change is the amount of time I spend with sister, yeah. 
 

13 minutes ago, Toth said:

I'm sorry to hear about your inner conflicts right now. I'm getting the feeling being stuck at home with your sister lets you go up the wall in a way not too dissimilar to me. I guess I am in no position to give constructive advice, but know that trying to wrap your head around all your troubles, real or perceived, at the same time is what is overwhelming you. When you realize that happening, take a deep breath and say "One step at a time" and focus on whatever you wanted to do right in the moment.

There’s a lot of truth in this, I do spend too much time and energy on analyzing myself and situations. I am quite introspective to begin with and this year has been making me question a lot of things I thought I know about myself. And being stuck with sister doesn’t help either. I always throw a pity party for myself, but I’m sure she struggles with it just as much though maybe in different ways. It’s just not healthy, and it’s never going to enddddddd. Ugh. Will try to take things little by little, thanks for your thoughts! 

[RhaenysBee]

24 minutes ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

Not any better until March. 

 

Toxic family...I get it. I’m not blameless, either. I just try and stay away from them or minimize our interactions.

 

Oh damn. That doesn’t great.  Do try to keep weekends off limit at least. I usually did that when we had crazy months at my old job. Kept me sane in spite of working from bed at 10-11pm on weekdays. :/ 

Yep, that sounds like a sustainable solution. 

Edited December 4, 2020 by RhaenysBee