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Mental Wellbeing 2


Xray the Enforcer
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So my work has decided that they want me to move from where I currently am in BC, to Ontario because of a training requirement. I'm more stressed out than I have been pretty much ever and my ability and will to get work done has pretty well tanked in the little over a week I've had since I found this out. I'm not sure what the worse part is, having to fly with this shit going down (And I don't like flying at the best of times), or that once I get there I'll be cut off from pretty much everything I was able to do that made it possible to cope with this shit.

I really hope they come to their senses and accept that a whole bunch of the training they wanted done just isn't going to happen. But unless and until they do I get to sit here stressing

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12 hours ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

Working weekends will keep me from working past 11pm - midnight on weekdays, so this is just what I gotta do. 

Most of the time, it’s not too bad, but there’s one particular financial statement (cash flows) I can’t stand - completely stresses me out. And I’ve got to do it for the past 2 years, so I’m feeling very down. Once I get past that, it will be easy street for my mental health.

On a separate note, I am glad your hair coloring adventure went well!!! I got mine colored just today and I feel SO much better already!!!!  Like I can tackle tomorrow, because I’ve got “me” back ;)

Oh goodness, that doesn’t sound good :( in this case, keep calm and carry on, you can push through and it’ll be over. And hey, maybe by March you can wind down with an actual vacation? 

haha, thank you. I anticipate another round before I dare to go back to the salon, but I can’t wait. Today I woke up with a sore neck and shoulder from all the stupid angles I had to hold my head to reach back sections. 
 

9 hours ago, TrueMetis said:

So my work has decided that they want me to move from where I currently am in BC, to Ontario because of a training requirement. I'm more stressed out than I have been pretty much ever and my ability and will to get work done has pretty well tanked in the little over a week I've had since I found this out. I'm not sure what the worse part is, having to fly with this shit going down (And I don't like flying at the best of times), or that once I get there I'll be cut off from pretty much everything I was able to do that made it possible to cope with this shit.

I really hope they come to their senses and accept that a whole bunch of the training they wanted done just isn't going to happen. But unless and until they do I get to sit here stressing

I’m so sorry you are in this position. Can your employer just decide this without consulting you? Or asking for your consent and agreement? If so, that’s awful! :( 

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Ah shit, my mood has hit rock bottom since yesterday. So for the past few weeks my routine has been thus: Every weekend entirely filled with correcting exams, every weekday filled with school, then after school preparing lessons and online-lessons for the next day, then 4-5 hours of sleep. I'm pretty much constantly exhausted and working very ineffectively, but have to get my stuff done with the fast approaching deadlines somehow.

And yesterday my mother's daily dinner table rant went full brunt into my direction. She has been pretty pissed the entire time that I'm skimping on my house chores due to my suffocating workload, berating me every weekend while I'm correcting and angrily cursing me loud enough that I hear her the next room over. I admit, it's a shitty thing for me to do, but I don't know where else to take the time from. But now it bubbled out of her once again, that it's a grave mistake that I've even become a teacher, I can't work with children anyway and even if I insist on doing this, I am an idiot for not searching for a better school already right now, one year in the job is enough experience and I need to apply long in advance because nobody will want to take me anyway.

When I tried to object that I want to change schools once I have settled in into the job, but also made some life experiences and stand on my own feet, she got my meaning immediately and furiously said she will never ever allow me to live apart from her because she doesn't know how many years she still has left and doesn't want to spend them in (financial?) fear.

So that's it. Pretty much all the stuff where I thought "I will do that once I live on my own" have been wiped away just like that. It will never happen. At least not without breaking with my mother forever and I'm too exhausted to even consider causing that much conflict. My life has reached a deadend. Changing the federal state? Working abroad? Picking up new hobbies? Dating? All impossible... I guess I must sound utterly pathetic and insane when I say that this little outburst was causing enough despair that I briefly wondered why I even bothered living anymore, given that my life will be all the same until my death. I just... can't deal with all this shit right now...

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@Toth I am very sorry to hear about your situation. Living with your mother seems to be impossible, but please just don't get discouraged by her mean words. It sounds like the absolutely healthiest thing to do for you would be to find your own place as soon as it is possible (I assume you are all locked down right now, which makes things even harder). Don't let her trick you into staying longer than you need to out of a sense of obligation - you do not need to stay in an environment that treats you like this. :grouphug: 

As a side question - what is the normal workload for a teacher in Germany? I am a beginner at teaching and normally teach 19 or 20 school hours a week. Since I am a beginner, I don't have almost anything pre-prepared and have to do everything from scratch, look for worksheets online, put together tests ... and due to online schooling, also have to correct an insane number of assignments weekly. I do work more than the normal 40 hours a week, but I do still manage to find time for walks, goofing off on the Internet, and enough sleep. I understand being a perfectionist and wanting everything done as it needs to be an on time, but your students will not be harmed if you happen to correct their assignments a day or two later or if your PPT-s are not visually perfect or whatever it is that you spend the most time on. So I am not saying you should lower your standards for yourself, just maybe realise you need to take some time off too. :) I mean, chores such as cooking can even function like that. Good luck with finding a better work-life balance!

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Hi, friends.  I came on here feeling nostalgic and wandered into this thread and found some folks I have missed!  Yay!  :)

Mental wellbeing is a constant struggle for me right now.  My dad is sick; covid, and I live in a part of the world that is pretty ridiculous.  As much as I love the southeastern US, I am really sick of the stupidity.  I had started an antidepressant, and it makes my insomnia worse, so I'm knitting.  When I'm not working and hanging with my family, I'm knitting, reading, cooking.  I'm trying to stay informed but not expose myself to too much news, because it makes the anxiety worse.  And as much as I love my friends from far away, social media is making my anxiety worse.  I need it to stay connected to my church family and some other folks, but I am seriously considering cutting it off and walking away.  Excluding Instagram.  I need my birds/pigs/koi ponds.

And maybe it's just me...but this crap doesn't roll off of me the way it did in my 30s.  The little unkindnesses, the uncertainty, seeing people suffer...it hurts my heart.  And I find myself having a tough time shaking it off.  So it's very nice to come to this corner of the web and see that people are still being gentle and kind with each other, because it matters a LOT.

 

Edited by Elder Sister
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1 hour ago, Buckwheat said:

It sounds like the absolutely healthiest thing to do for you would be to find your own place as soon as it is possible (I assume you are all locked down right now, which makes things even harder).

Thanks for the kind words. I know for a long time that this is what I should be doing, but I'm too stressed to even think about it right now and just know that it is going to get messy if I try... And I know myself, deep down I'm a coward and fold like a paper bird whenever she says something discouraging.

And no, here is no lockdown whatsoever, life at least for us is going on without any difference to before the pandemic, I just got more work because of it because I have to handle both the in-person teaching and the homeschooling for those in quarantine at the same time.

1 hour ago, Buckwheat said:

As a side question - what is the normal workload for a teacher in Germany? I am a beginner at teaching and normally teach 19 or 20 school hours a week. Since I am a beginner, I don't have almost anything pre-prepared and have to do everything from scratch, look for worksheets online, put together tests ... and due to online schooling, also have to correct an insane number of assignments weekly. I do work more than the normal 40 hours a week, but I do still manage to find time for walks, goofing off on the Internet, and enough sleep. I understand being a perfectionist and wanting everything done as it needs to be an on time, but your students will not be harmed if you happen to correct their assignments a day or two later or if your PPT-s are not visually perfect or whatever it is that you spend the most time on. So I am not saying you should lower your standards for yourself, just maybe realise you need to take some time off too. :) I mean, chores such as cooking can even function like that. Good luck with finding a better work-life balance!

Well, the normal workload in my federal state is 26 school hours of teaching + preparation and follow-up work and yeah, being very much of a beginner myself, my situation is similar to yours. Looking back at my previous posts, I have always complained about my work-life-balance these last two years, but right now it is especially bad because next Monday the grades have to be finalized and yet some class teachers insist on having them finished by Friday, so I am especially frantic to get everything done till then.

And my standards... the worst part is that my constant exhaustion has reached a point where I am extremely unhappy with how my lessons turn out either way because I am wasting just soo much time. I came back home today and was instantly overwhelmed by exhaustion, fought on, needed 3 hours to create one exam for tomorrow and then only managed to correct 4 other exams or so... It is not that I am overly perfectionist with my lessons by now, it is that everything I do takes insanely long and it's driving me mad.

So basically that I have no work-life balance and keep running against this wall like an idiot is entirely my own fault that I can't escape anymore...

Edited by Toth
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@Toth I’m really sorry that you’re going through such a difficult time. 

I agree with buckwheat about essentially everything. By all means, try and put a deadline on your current situation (says me who did this 5 times already and still nothing happened) and find alternative residence. There will certainly be conflict, but it is the healthy and right choice for the both of you on the long term. If your mother is worried finances, the two of you can perfectly support each other while not cohabiting. 

As for the spiral you describe, I would suggest that you take at least two weeks off as soon as the school can manage to cover you. This could be sick days or holiday days, whatever the terms of your employment makes possible. But please do take time off. I don’t think there’s any workplace in Germany that’d rather you work yourself to death than arrange a sub for two weeks. It is 2021 almost and you work a white collar job in one of the strongest economies of Europe. You can take a break. You have the rights and the means, but only you can take the actual step. It is a basic human need to maintain your health in order to deliver quality work for your employer and your students. I don’t think there’d be a soul in Germany who disagrees and whips you back to your laptop screen. Just dare to communicate this. It is everybody’s best interest, including the students, the school, your mother and most importantly, you. 

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15 hours ago, Toth said:

Thanks for the kind words. I know for a long time that this is what I should be doing, but I'm too stressed to even think about it right now and just know that it is going to get messy if I try... And I know myself, deep down I'm a coward and fold like a paper bird whenever she says something discouraging.

I understand and really really identify with that. Be strong and continue coming here for moral support - I trust you can do it! :)

15 hours ago, Toth said:

And no, here is no lockdown whatsoever, life at least for us is going on without any difference to before the pandemic, I just got more work because of it because I have to handle both the in-person teaching and the homeschooling for those in quarantine at the same time.

Oh, the double workload must be crappy. Stay safe and healthy in school. Our schools have been wholly online for almost two months now.

15 hours ago, Toth said:

Well, the normal workload in my federal state is 26 school hours of teaching + preparation and follow-up work and yeah, being very much of a beginner myself, my situation is similar to yours. Looking back at my previous posts, I have always complained about my work-life-balance these last two years, but right now it is especially bad because next Monday the grades have to be finalized and yet some class teachers insist on having them finished by Friday, so I am especially frantic to get everything done till then.

And my standards... the worst part is that my constant exhaustion has reached a point where I am extremely unhappy with how my lessons turn out either way because I am wasting just soo much time. I came back home today and was instantly overwhelmed by exhaustion, fought on, needed 3 hours to create one exam for tomorrow and then only managed to correct 4 other exams or so... It is not that I am overly perfectionist with my lessons by now, it is that everything I do takes insanely long and it's driving me mad.

So basically that I have no work-life balance and keep running against this wall like an idiot is entirely my own fault that I can't escape anymore...

26 hours is ... a lot, wow. Here 20 hours is considered a full-time employment for a secondary school teacher, 22 for primary school, and more than that is overtime. But we apparently have a different system. Anyway, don't be afraid to ask more experienced teachers for help too. I keep asking my colleagues if they can share old worksheets and stuff with me, it helps a lot.

You can manage till Friday and then have a relaxing weekend! At least have enough sleep and take a walk outside. :) And also - when one is tired, even easy tasks take way longer than they should. Sometimes napping for an hour and then continuing with work is more effective than powering through while exhausted.

Welcome back, @Elder Sister!

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On 12/9/2020 at 11:19 AM, RhaenysBee said:

I agree with buckwheat about essentially everything. By all means, try and put a deadline on your current situation (says me who did this 5 times already and still nothing happened) and find alternative residence. There will certainly be conflict, but it is the healthy and right choice for the both of you on the long term. If your mother is worried finances, the two of you can perfectly support each other while not cohabiting. 

Well, thanks, but... I just don't know how to do something like that. The rents here have skyrocketed to a degree that it is impossible for me to finance two households and even then, looking for places costs time I don't have. Last summer break my mother had a 180° turnaround where she frantically demanded I move out because it might be advantageous to her ongoing legal battles with my father, but that as well was an incredibly exhausting and fruitless experience where I only got to see exactly one place in my income category and that was the creepy dark attic of some old man. -.-

In fact, several landlords showed themselves aghast that a lone guy is searching for a 2,5 rooms flat (I desperately want a separate study for work) and refused to invite me because of that. All those set-backs caused my mother to change tracks that I should save up to buy a house for both of us instead, since that, hilariously enough, might actually be cheaper.

On 12/9/2020 at 11:19 AM, RhaenysBee said:

As for the spiral you describe, I would suggest that you take at least two weeks off as soon as the school can manage to cover you. This could be sick days or holiday days, whatever the terms of your employment makes possible. But please do take time off. I don’t think there’s any workplace in Germany that’d rather you work yourself to death than arrange a sub for two weeks.

That I can absolutely not do. I have far too few lessons as it is to get the topics done I have to cover in any sensible detail and nobody can cover anybody. I can only call in sick if I am truly sick and I am not.

Also Christmas holiday is soon enough... though I worry a lot about how to spend it. I recently watched a few videos of teachers on Youtube and one advised to prepare all of your lessons entirely during your holidays so that you can focus on the day-to-day business during the actual school time. But obviously I don't feel confident I will be able to work through the holidays and end up having anything to show for it.

On 12/9/2020 at 3:01 PM, Buckwheat said:

Oh, the double workload must be crappy. Stay safe and healthy in school. Our schools have been wholly online for almost two months now.

We'll see whether they still will be open in January... Right now it seems more and more doubtful.

But then again, fully online schools are also shit. I lost far too many students when we closed them last semester who interpreted that as holidays, cut off all contact with school and played dead.

On 12/9/2020 at 3:01 PM, Buckwheat said:

Anyway, don't be afraid to ask more experienced teachers for help too. I keep asking my colleagues if they can share old worksheets and stuff with me, it helps a lot.

Thanks for the hint, though... I guess I'm really bad at that. I can't do that for computer science because I'm essentially the only computer science teacher there is. I could do that for history, but... I am utterly unable to just take someone else's stuff into my own lessons without massively reworking it. I always strive for my lessons to have something of a narrative why we need to look at A and B to form an opinion about C and someone else's work never truly fits that logic I want to guide my students through...

... and truth be told, there is also this bit about me that my 'professional me' in school is pretty much the only aspect of myself that I take pride in. If I ever ask anybody for help I think I cannot take it. And that's not even taking in account how much I have been taught through experience that showing weakness will always cause people to attack you. And not being able to make my lessons on my own most certainly is a weakness in this job, given how I was utterly wrecked during teacher training for daring to ask my seminar leader what I can do to improve my stuff.

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3 hours ago, Toth said:

Well, thanks, but... I just don't know how to do something like that. The rents here have skyrocketed to a degree that it is impossible for me to finance two households and even then, looking for places costs time I don't have. Last summer break my mother had a 180° turnaround where she frantically demanded I move out because it might be advantageous to her ongoing legal battles with my father, but that as well was an incredibly exhausting and fruitless experience where I only got to see exactly one place in my income category and that was the creepy dark attic of some old man. -.-

In fact, several landlords showed themselves aghast that a lone guy is searching for a 2,5 rooms flat (I desperately want a separate study for work) and refused to invite me because of that. All those set-backs caused my mother to change tracks that I should save up to buy a house for both of us instead, since that, hilariously enough, might actually be cheaper.

Would you have to finance your mother’s rent entirely? (Do I understand correctly that she lives in a rental as well?) is there no friend you could move in with as an alternative? To share costs of residence? ah I’m not trying to put any pressure on you, I’m only searching for a solution. 

That’s... interesting. Why would a landlord ever care why want whatever number of rooms you want? That’s your business. Never heard of such around here, wouldn’t want to do business with any of these landlords... :/ 

3 hours ago, Toth said:

That I can absolutely not do. I have far too few lessons as it is to get the topics done I have to cover in any sensible detail and nobody can cover anybody. I can only call in sick if I am truly sick and I am not.

Also Christmas holiday is soon enough... though I worry a lot about how to spend it. I recently watched a few videos of teachers on Youtube and one advised to prepare all of your lessons entirely during your holidays so that you can focus on the day-to-day business during the actual school time. But obviously I don't feel confident I will be able to work through the holidays and end up having anything to show for it.

I mean I admire your professional dedication, but isn’t your physical and mental health more of a priority? As for substitution, they always figure it out. It’s your decision, of course, I’m just trying to say that when there’s a will there’s a way. 

Again, this is all your decision, however, I would strongly advise that you don’t work during the holidays at all. 

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5 hours ago, Toth said:

In fact, several landlords showed themselves aghast that a lone guy is searching for a 2,5 rooms flat (I desperately want a separate study for work) and refused to invite me because of that. All those set-backs caused my mother to change tracks that I should save up to buy a house for both of us instead, since that, hilariously enough, might actually be cheaper.

Maybe think about if it is really necessary to have such a big place right now. Better to have a 1,5 room and work from your kitchen/living room in peace than to work from (I assume) tiny bedroom with your mother yelling at you from the kitchen, no?

I would advise against trying to buy something for the both of you, as that will just further cement your unhealthy living situation for the future.

5 hours ago, Toth said:

But then again, fully online schools are also shit. I lost far too many students when we closed them last semester who interpreted that as holidays, cut off all contact with school and played dead.

I agree. I am lucky enough right now that my students are mostly present and do their work (there are a few annoying exceptions that don't, obviously), but I know all schools are not like that. Remember, you can only do so much as a teacher. You cannot do their work for them - a lesson I have to learn myself still too.

5 hours ago, Toth said:

Thanks for the hint, though... I guess I'm really bad at that. I can't do that for computer science because I'm essentially the only computer science teacher there is. I could do that for history, but... I am utterly unable to just take someone else's stuff into my own lessons without massively reworking it. I always strive for my lessons to have something of a narrative why we need to look at A and B to form an opinion about C and someone else's work never truly fits that logic I want to guide my students through...

... and truth be told, there is also this bit about me that my 'professional me' in school is pretty much the only aspect of myself that I take pride in. If I ever ask anybody for help I think I cannot take it. And that's not even taking in account how much I have been taught through experience that showing weakness will always cause people to attack you. And not being able to make my lessons on my own most certainly is a weakness in this job, given how I was utterly wrecked during teacher training for daring to ask my seminar leader what I can do to improve my stuff.

You are able. Come on, is this something you would want to hear from your students? ;) "I can't do this, this is too hard, I'm so going to fail ..." I am sure you hate hearing it and try not to do it yourself! :D

Yes, it is really really annoying to use somebody else's lesson plans, I have tried it and know I have to rework everything to suit me as well. But easier to do that than having to start from scratch. At least one can use the same pictures, some exercise ... it is much harder to use somebody else's lessons for explaining new stuff, but old worksheets to revise should be almost wholly useful. And sometimes it is just necessary to use it because one just doesn't have the time to make everything as a beginner. Maybe this year, you use something borrowed, and next year, you will spend more time to cover the same topic. It will work.

And seriously, unless all of your coworkers are really crappy people, they will not think you are weak or inept or whatever if you ask them to share some materials, this is just stupid. They probably all know you are a beginner and they were once all in the same position and probably got help from more experienced teachers before them. What kind of relationship do you have with them? I assume you need to talk on a daily basis anyway and just saying "hey, do you have any materials/old worksheets/pictures/suggestions for what I could do here" is shouldn't be too hard! And it won't be seen as shameful, it will show that you are dedicated to making your work more efficient and that you are trying to improve with the help of more experienced people. What could be wrong with that?

1 hour ago, RhaenysBee said:

That’s... interesting. Why would a landlord ever care why want whatever number of rooms you want? That’s your business. Never heard of such around here, wouldn’t want to do business with any of these landlords... :/ 

I assume it is because they are worried about that one person losing their job and not being able to cover the rent, while they are looking for somebody to rent from them long-term and preferably have two incomes to cover the rent.

1 hour ago, RhaenysBee said:

Again, this is all your decision, however, I would strongly advise that you don’t work during the holidays at all. 

I would just recommend limiting oneself - maybe only work a few days of the whole holiday and only a few hours a day. But certainly get enough sleep and leisure time!

Toth, I really root for you to figure everything out! Stay healthy and take care of yourself.

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4 minutes ago, Buckwheat said:

would just recommend limiting oneself - maybe only work a few days of the whole holiday and only a few hours a day. But certainly get enough sleep and leisure time!

I suppose it’s inherently clear who’s the lazy one between the two of us. :leaving: :lol: seriously though, this is sound, realistic and sustainable advise (unlike my own) :agree: 

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9 minutes ago, RhaenysBee said:

I suppose it’s inherently clear who’s the lazy one between the two of us. :leaving: :lol: seriously though, this is sound, realistic and sustainable advise (unlike my own) :agree: 

No, you are actually right in that off days should really be off days, which means no work. It is pretty terrible that I am even recommending working though the off days, it means I have no life outside of work either. :lol: I am actually really pessimistic about the Christmas/New Year's holidays as well, as the covid situation in my country is not improving at all, which means we will just be forced to stay at home and not do anything fun during the off days. :( Autumn holiday week was bad enough for me mentally, this time it is probably just going to be even worse and I generally just cope with that by burying myself into work ... which I assume isn't very healthy either. I should find something else to do and get a social life, and I was really doing good in that regard, but now covid restrictions ... and here we are.

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10 hours ago, Buckwheat said:

No, you are actually right in that off days should really be off days, which means no work. It is pretty terrible that I am even recommending working though the off days, it means I have no life outside of work either. :lol: I am actually really pessimistic about the Christmas/New Year's holidays as well, as the covid situation in my country is not improving at all, which means we will just be forced to stay at home and not do anything fun during the off days. :( Autumn holiday week was bad enough for me mentally, this time it is probably just going to be even worse and I generally just cope with that by burying myself into work ... which I assume isn't very healthy either. I should find something else to do and get a social life, and I was really doing good in that regard, but now covid restrictions ... and here we are.

I feel you. This may yet be the worst Christmas of my little life too. I’m just scared for it for so many reasons. Well, burying yourself in work is at least a distraction, if not the best one. I’m looking forward to not spending 21 hours a day in my bedroom and 12ish in front of screens (though let’s be honest, nobody forces me to be on my phone at 10pm in bed). And I’m looking forward to fresh air and dog love. Beyond that though, we will be at each other’s throat all Christmas (which is the norm rather than covid related, only this time there’s no market and extended family or friends get-together, all the Christmas places and the usual stuff that sets a warm and happy mood to make up for the family drama). Especially that it’ll be the first Christmas my dad has left and even though he’ll visit, sister will be ballistic over this. Fun times, 2020. 

Sorry that your situation with covid isn’t improving, it’s about the same outlook over here. I sort of think it’s going to be around March by the time it’s safe to return to semi-normal life (like what we had in the summer and September). 

 

On a different note, we had another vulgar, screaming, door slamming, furniture shoving back-and-forth last night. I don’t even how it happened, it was like 2 minutes. Sadly wether we torture each other for 2 minutes or 2 hours, the aftermath is always days. Like it takes me days to process and forgive (both sister and myself) and let go and move on. And it’s sooooo consuming. The funniest thing is that if this wasn’t my sister but a man and an actual romantic relationship, these would be like serious domestic issues. No it’s not funny at all, actually, but you know what I mean. Well I don’t know how we don’t have a pile of complaints from neighbors. And I don’t know how we are still going on with this. And I don’t know when or if it will ever end. I guess at some point if she doesn’t move to the other flat I will. Not because I “hate her so much”, there’s hardly anybody on earth I love more than my sister, it’s the situation that’s unhealthy because we are soooo toxic. Like we are the worst versions of ourselves with each other. And it takes so much energy out of me. And I’m sure it does out of her too. I suppose if this was all a Netflix drama or in the US we would have gone to family therapy 15 years ago and things might be slightly different? Hell knows. 

On a positive note, the almost-100-year-old magazine collection arrived (sister left it outside the door but at least she was generous enough to tell me she refused to take the boxes inside - one of which was hers............ god I’m so passive aggressive, right? I should take up some martial arts...wasn’t I on a positive note here?). Yes. So I unboxed it and it’s so pretty and I love it, so even if my father doesn’t, I’m very happy with this gift purchase. 

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Sigh... just finished my work for today. Managed to correct the exams of two classes and calculated and sent off the semester grades of three classes. Only one class left, then I'm actually done for this semester, though the deadline is tomorrow, so it will still be stressful. I also still have my preparation for next week to do and there are a couple of retry exams left.

On 12/10/2020 at 8:37 PM, RhaenysBee said:

Would you have to finance your mother’s rent entirely?

Well, not quite entirely. She still gets alimony, but not enough to live on her own.

On 12/10/2020 at 8:37 PM, RhaenysBee said:

(Do I understand correctly that she lives in a rental as well?)

This leaves me confused. As well? Do you mean now or in any future constellation? Right now is the situation that the marriage of my parents imploded just as I was getting out of High School. I moved out, but only lived on my own for a week until my mother moved in with me because she couldn't pay the rent of our old home on her own and that has been the state of things for the last 8 years.

On 12/10/2020 at 8:37 PM, RhaenysBee said:

is there no friend you could move in with as an alternative? To share costs of residence? ah I’m not trying to put any pressure on you, I’m only searching for a solution. 

Thanks for the suggestion and sentiment, but no, there is nobody I could live with.

23 hours ago, Buckwheat said:

Maybe think about if it is really necessary to have such a big place right now. Better to have a 1,5 room and work from your kitchen/living room in peace than to work from (I assume) tiny bedroom with your mother yelling at you from the kitchen, no?

Yes, I looked for smaller apartments as well, but the insane thing is that those aren't necessarily any cheaper (also if you have a dedicated study for work you can write it off taxes, so that's something I'd like to keep in mind.^^).

23 hours ago, Buckwheat said:

I agree. I am lucky enough right now that my students are mostly present and do their work (there are a few annoying exceptions that don't, obviously), but I know all schools are not like that. Remember, you can only do so much as a teacher. You cannot do their work for them - a lesson I have to learn myself still too.

I'm glad to hear that it works out for you! I just heard that we will have one week of online lessons after Christmas with the intention of preventing a post-Christmas superspreading event, but generally the idea remains to keep the schools open no matter what happens. Politicians are aware just how bad our digital equipment is.

23 hours ago, Buckwheat said:

You are able. Come on, is this something you would want to hear from your students? ;) "I can't do this, this is too hard, I'm so going to fail ..." I am sure you hate hearing it and try not to do it yourself!

Well, there is a massive difference between not trying to give some simple tasks a chance that you can do all by yourself as opposed to exposing your weakness to other people and hope they don't take advantage of that to improve their standing.

The thing is, I simply don't know anyone I could ask for help. Like I said, I'm the only actual computer science teacher and in regards to history/politics may be other teachers there, but I maybe see them twice a semester. It is a really big school with seven staff rooms.

I should also note that I'm always failing these things and get discouraged easily whenever I'm being turned down. Outside of asking for materials, I was asking quite often whether people would be willing to prepare lessons together, because brainstorming ideas like that seems a lot more fair to me, but I never managed to do it. At first I tried to stay in contact with some fellow teacher trainees I graduated with from university to try and prepare our work together, but they never had time and we never met again ever. Then I tried to approach other teacher trainees from my seminary, but they also turned me down citing their lack of time, though a couple of weeks later it turned out that every single one of the people I asked now was part of such a prep group with each other. When I found out I was somewhere between seething rage and absolute devastation, giving up entirely on speaking with them anymore. And that's with people I thought I was getting along with! Now imagine the barriers within me dealing with these colleagues at my current school with whom I barely ever interact at all.

12 hours ago, RhaenysBee said:

Beyond that though, we will be at each other’s throat all Christmas (which is the norm rather than covid related, only this time there’s no market and extended family or friends get-together, all the Christmas places and the usual stuff that sets a warm and happy mood to make up for the family drama). Especially that it’ll be the first Christmas my dad has left and even though he’ll visit, sister will be ballistic over this. Fun times, 2020. 

I just wanted to say something encouraging about how not having other people around (or the option to invite other people) might improve the mood due to less tension about having to deal with them until I noticed you considered them actually being a source of relieve. Eh... Maybe... well, it might be advantageous to just go into this Christmas with an open mind. Expect the best to prevent it becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy!^^

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18 minutes ago, Toth said:

This leaves me confused. As well? Do you mean now or in any future constellation? Right now is the situation that the marriage of my parents imploded just as I was getting out of High School. I moved out, but only lived on my own for a week until my mother moved in with me because she couldn't pay the rent of our old home on her own and that has been the state of things for the last 8 years.

Oh sorry, wrong wording, what I meant to ask was: in the future scenario of your moving to a rental, would she be living in another rental as well? But I suppose your answer included this. EIGHT years... wow. Hats off to your strength and resilience. And I suppose there’s nobody else for your mother to move in with either? A sibling or a friend or a new partner or another child or anybody? 

18 minutes ago, Toth said:

just wanted to say something encouraging about how not having other people around (or the option to invite other people) might improve the mood due to less tension about having to deal with them until I noticed you considered them actually being a source of relieve. Eh... Maybe... well, it might be advantageous to just go into this Christmas with an open mind. Expect the best to prevent it becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy!^^

:lol: Yes, I do actually love extended family get togethers because everybody is far more civil and puts up a far better behavior when “others” are around rather than just immediate family. Plus, my family hasn’t really felt like a family for some... could be as many as ten years now. There were always one or two of us who tried to make an effort but there were always the other three or two who just made it impossible. Whereas spending a day at my aunt’s feels quintessentially like a family. 

Yes I agree that is indeed the best that we can do, to go in with an open mind. AND there’s always the dogs. They always make everything better and worth it. Ah how I miss their sweet squashy little faces! 

 

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9 hours ago, RhaenysBee said:

Hats off to your strength and resilience.

More like resignation and always having work to do. First rushing through my studies and then teacher training and now entering the job itself. I really never had much time for anything else. Bringing it up would have also been problematic, given that she's still being terrorized by my father to this day because he's upset he still has to pay alimony.

9 hours ago, RhaenysBee said:

And I suppose there’s nobody else for your mother to move in with either? A sibling or a friend or a new partner or another child or anybody? 

I... I must admit, I find it remarkable that you even see the possibility of other people letting someone live with them. That needs a ridiculous amount of trust, does it not? I have a hard time imagining how you even ask for something like that.

To the question itself: I think it should be obvious that we have nobody. My mother has one old friend left, mostly because she has the tendency to cut off all contact forever with everybody she feels slighted by, but I guess she never had many relationships anyway, she also broke with her sister a long time ago because she didn't reply to a Christmas card or something. I myself don't even have that, with no rl friends whatsoever, nobody I feel comfortable even talking to. It's strange, I was always a pariah during school life, but endured it without stressing out so much about it, but during these 8 years I have developed a full-blown social anxiety and tend to become extremely defensive when talking about anything other than work. I guess it doesn't help that after I failed every attempt to stay in contact with people from university and now at school me being about a decade younger than even the youngest colleague and looking even younger than that makes things awkward.

9 hours ago, RhaenysBee said:

:lol: Yes, I do actually love extended family get togethers because everybody is far more civil and puts up a far better behavior when “others” are around rather than just immediate family. Plus, my family hasn’t really felt like a family for some... could be as many as ten years now. There were always one or two of us who tried to make an effort but there were always the other three or two who just made it impossible. Whereas spending a day at my aunt’s feels quintessentially like a family. 

Wow, that's... that's a thing? XD I mean, sure, I have memories of when my paternal aunt still lived who organized big family gatherings that actually only occasionally devolved into drunken hurtful rants, but otherwise were still pretty nice at the time. Later on holidays only consisted of my father provoking fights so that he can go off to a party alone, so there is that...

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10 hours ago, Toth said:

Sigh... just finished my work for today. Managed to correct the exams of two classes and calculated and sent off the semester grades of three classes. Only one class left, then I'm actually done for this semester, though the deadline is tomorrow, so it will still be stressful. I also still have my preparation for next week to do and there are a couple of retry exams left.

Congratulations on the work done! :)

10 hours ago, Toth said:

Yes, I looked for smaller apartments as well, but the insane thing is that those aren't necessarily any cheaper (also if you have a dedicated study for work you can write it off taxes, so that's something I'd like to keep in mind.^^).

I understand. I didn't know about taxes. Just try to find the cheapest solution.

Would you be open to a roommates situation? There must be a website for people to post "looking for a roommate, own bedroom, shared kitchen and bathroom" ads. I know this is not ideal and not what most people want and yes, it takes a lot of trust that one just doesn't have with unknown people ... but civil and semi-friendly roommates would still be better than somebody who puts you down all the time.

10 hours ago, Toth said:

I'm glad to hear that it works out for you! I just heard that we will have one week of online lessons after Christmas with the intention of preventing a post-Christmas superspreading event, but generally the idea remains to keep the schools open no matter what happens. Politicians are aware just how bad our digital equipment is.

Our (lack of) policy on what gets opened and what stays closed for the next few weeks is ridiculous. Secondary and high schools are probably going to be among the last things to open.

10 hours ago, Toth said:

Well, there is a massive difference between not trying to give some simple tasks a chance that you can do all by yourself as opposed to exposing your weakness to other people and hope they don't take advantage of that to improve their standing.

Actually, I was referring to the part about being unable to take somebody else's lesson plans and use them for your own teaching.

I realise that. Just try a little more to look for solutions instead of being so defeatist.

10 hours ago, Toth said:

The thing is, I simply don't know anyone I could ask for help. Like I said, I'm the only actual computer science teacher and in regards to history/politics may be other teachers there, but I maybe see them twice a semester. It is a really big school with seven staff rooms.

Wait, you didn't get to know other history teachers the first day you started the job? To give you instructions, catch you up with where they left with classes you are going to take over from them? Don't you have semi-regular staff meetings, either the whole staff or just the teachers of the same subject to discuss ongoing projects? How does your system work if you never talk to your coworkers at all? I am confused here.

And I really do get being rejected by people one used to spend time with, I went though the same a few times, it sucks, but what helps me is just to realise people stay in your life for a time and then everybody moves on. The few special people will stay, though. :) Anyway, just try to find contacts where you spend the most time, which now is your workplace. Remember, these people work as teachers - this means it is in their habit to be instructive, helpful and open to others!

And as a side note because you mentioned being younger than all the coworkers - ha, are you also taken for a student by coworkers sometimes? Just before we went into lockdown, which means I must have been working there for more than a month, one of the teachers in the hallway wanted to send me to the students' locker rooms to change my shoes!

 

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1 hour ago, Toth said:

More like resignation and always having work to do. First rushing through my studies and then teacher training and now entering the job itself. I really never had much time for anything else. Bringing it up would have also been problematic, given that she's still being terrorized by my father to this day because he's upset he still has to pay alimony.

I’m sorry, this doesn’t sound like an amiable split. 

1 hour ago, Toth said:

I... I must admit, I find it remarkable that you even see the possibility of other people letting someone live with them. That needs a ridiculous amount of trust, does it not? I have a hard time imagining how you even ask for something like that.

Haha, that’s so interesting, isn’t it? I suppose it’s just a cultural difference. I’m far too introverted to have a plate of ten potential flatmates among the 50 close friends I have but I did share my flat with a uni friend for a year (this was after uni), I’m not saying living together was 100% smooth, but if anything it brought us together and she’s one of if not the best friend I have ever since. I would welcome anyone I consider a friend to live with me as a temporary solution (while saving up or going through something or just finding the right place to live) should they need it (with clear terms of course and overheads contribution - but without rent of course, or a symbolic amount if they insist, or if it works out and they’d like to stay beyond a year, then we’d work out an amount that suits both of us).  And I know quite a few people in their twenties who have been bouncing around rentals with varying friends. As for close family (sibling, parents, grandparents, aunt and uncle, cousin circle), it comes without question or doubt that I would welcome anybody who needs it as a mid term solution with no financial contribution at all. That’s just how family works according to how I was raised. It is entirely alien to me when I hear people from the US talk about how they are paying rent to their sibling or parent or how they want to purchase a house or apartment from a close family member. That just doesn’t happen in my culture. If I own a flat and don’t need it, my family is free to use it for free. If my prospective child needs my grandmother’s house in his or her adult life, it’s just theirs. I don’t want money for it. I don’t know how I would ask for such, it all comes without asking to me. :dunno: 

But I understand that this is not how every culture or family works. and I’m sorry your mother is estranged from her sister. Especially over something as silly as a Christmas card. I’m quite private too and don’t like to share about my background. That takes a level of trust too. I do post it all over the internet but that’s like talking to strangers and I’m comfortable with that, I’ll tell about my life to random strangers too. It’s a weird thing. I suppose with random strangers you don’t care about their opinion and they won’t judge you. Peculiar indeed. 

1 hour ago, Toth said:

Wow, that's... that's a thing? XD I mean, sure, I have memories of when my paternal aunt still lived who organized big family gatherings that actually only occasionally devolved into drunken hurtful rants, but otherwise were still pretty nice at the time. Later on holidays only consisted of my father provoking fights so that he can go off to a party alone, so there is that...

I suppose it is :lol: I have only fond memories of close family get-togethers. Even of ones in a wiiiiiiide circle, though those tended to get boring as a kid because I didn’t know how to socialize with relatives I only see once a year. But I did have a big extended family party for my high school graduation and that was one of the sweetest memories I have. 
 

10 hours ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

Uuuuurg, my mental health is kind of officially Not Great, but is a step or so above Sh1tty.

I did get a break - a “weekend” if you will, much of yesterday and today. It was welcome, and needed. And I will totally take it!!! I even shaved my legs and put lotion on everywhere!!! (My dermatologist has advised me that my skin is so dry, I should just use Crisco. Really.)

There was stuff going on outside that to be a weight, though. To be frank, I feel like social media is for me, not good. My son agrees in that he says “it is more divisive, it rarely brings people together” which is why he quit Twitter. 

So, I have taken a break even though I did enjoy being a Top Fan of a dachshund living in Minnesota.

I feel like you just summed up this year. 

so glad you got some rest!!! Ah the feeling of shaving your legs/washing your hair/any pamper routine after neglecting it way too long...! It’s like a warm blanket of comfort that makes you feel like yourself again. 

100% sympathize about social media. I lasted about 6 months of Twitter back in 2016ish. Never going anywhere near that ever again. It’s the most toxic hellhole of the internet. 

:lmao: I want to be a Top Fan of a dachshund living in Minnesota! I followed a Flemish giant on Insta but he died and the account is now about the owner’s cats and I’m not a cat person. Still haven’t found my new favorite Insta pet. What a way to live...!

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1 hour ago, Buckwheat said:

Would you be open to a roommates situation? There must be a website for people to post "looking for a roommate, own bedroom, shared kitchen and bathroom" ads. I know this is not ideal and not what most people want and yes, it takes a lot of trust that one just doesn't have with unknown people ... but civil and semi-friendly roommates would still be better than somebody who puts you down all the time.

Yeah, I don't think that works with my social anxiety. If I can't sell myself to a possible landlord, how am I supposed to sell myself to a possible roommate? Not to mention that I would still have to search for an apartment for my mother anyway since she refuses to stay at the place we live at now.

1 hour ago, Buckwheat said:

Actually, I was referring to the part about being unable to take somebody else's lesson plans and use them for your own teaching.

Ah, well yes... I guess so, but I still would really prefer just talking and planning together to get inspired, that's just how I roll. In fact this constant state of exhaustion and stress draining my creativity hurts the most. Everything I do is half-assed because of that.

1 hour ago, Buckwheat said:

I realise that. Just try a little more to look for solutions instead of being so defeatist.

I will try, thanks.

1 hour ago, Buckwheat said:

Wait, you didn't get to know other history teachers the first day you started the job? To give you instructions, catch you up with where they left with classes you are going to take over from them? Don't you have semi-regular staff meetings, either the whole staff or just the teachers of the same subject to discuss ongoing projects? How does your system work if you never talk to your coworkers at all? I am confused here.

Ugh... no? I was walked around the school by the then vice principal who is now retired back when I was hired, but on my first day I was essentially just thrown in. I only got classes in their first years at the school, so I had to start from scratch and while I was double stacked in three of my lessons to work together with another teacher, all of them soon disappeared into sick leave or retirement (or sick leave to bridge the time till retirement...) and I had to do the lessons on my own anyway.

There is a conference for the history department once a year, but most teachers seem to find an excuse to not attend. The previous two times I was there there were only three people, with me and the department head making up two already (and the third one only cared about pushing off the class outing of his ludicrously problematic class onto me because he doesn't want to do it anymore). Meanwhile I was begging the computer science department head to call a conference since forever because our school curriculum is grossly violating the state guidelines, but he adamantly refuses to do so because he wrote it and sees no reason to change it in his last years before retirement, even when the seminar leader of my teacher trainee complained at the school administration. He has that tendency to just wait problems out until people give up bringing them up, which I have already run in several times when there was negative feedback about unnecessary restrictions he imposed on the school computers that have already screwed over lessons and exams.

Speaking of the teacher trainee, yes, I got a trainee myself this past year, next week she will have her final lesson at our school. And I barely ever interacted with her. When I offered to look through her preparation to give advice she said she had no time because she only manages to finish her preparations in the night before each lesson and she was only at school for one lesson per week anyway since another school is her main school. I then couldn't even watch any of her lessons because I had to fill in and take over the parallel course of one of the above mentioned colleagues on permanent sick leave. It's ridiculous, but also kinda my fault for giving up so easily. There is also another computer science teacher 'trainee' (as in: An older colleague who is doing a computer science course at university) and whom I offered numerous times to come watch my lessons, but who then never appeared because of his lack of time.

The weird thing is that the school overall is fine, but the atmosphere in the staff room is weird. At the school where I was teacher trainee and which was like three times smaller, the relationship between colleagues was a lot more warm, but there was still a lot of hostility towards the school administration for some rather crappy methods to keep the teachers in line and dismissing of fears that the school looses profile and reputation. Here there is the exact same hostility despite the fact that I never saw the principal do anything that warrants it and it is coupled with a far older staff with many shortly before retirement and an overlaying attitude of "If I don't get an hour reduction in exchange for this thing I am being asked, I will not do it" which causes people to react extremely standoffish whenever you ask just about anything. And it got a lot worse now thanks to Corona. Since many are very pissed about having to wear masks and having all windows wide open at freezing temperatures, most seem to have retreated into abandoned corners of the school in their down time and try to spend as little time in the staff rooms as possible.

2 hours ago, Buckwheat said:

And I really do get being rejected by people one used to spend time with, I went though the same a few times, it sucks, but what helps me is just to realise people stay in your life for a time and then everybody moves on. The few special people will stay, though. :) Anyway, just try to find contacts where you spend the most time, which now is your workplace. Remember, these people work as teachers - this means it is in their habit to be instructive, helpful and open to others!

That's actually not unlike my takeaway, though I must admit it is a lot more cynical. In that people only interact with you as long as they have something to gain from it and as soon as you stop being interesting or useful, you'll stop being on their mind and get dropped. That was pretty much my entire university experience with attaching myself to people and only existing for the time you interact with them face-to-face and opportunities to stay in contact never arising. And having trouble with something is a very quick way to speed up that process as you get only viewed as a bother.

2 hours ago, Buckwheat said:

And as a side note because you mentioned being younger than all the coworkers - ha, are you also taken for a student by coworkers sometimes? Just before we went into lockdown, which means I must have been working there for more than a month, one of the teachers in the hallway wanted to send me to the students' locker rooms to change my shoes!

Ah, I know that as well!^^ I was still asked to leave the staff room at the beginning of the second year by colleagues who apparently never noticed me before, so there is that. But then again, I can't really blame any of them, I still can't buy wine for my mother without getting squinted at and asked for my ID. Of course that... doesn't help my self-esteem either, given how I get cruelly aware of both how people look down at me while I am still already far too old to still be stuck in my stupid circumstances.

2 hours ago, RhaenysBee said:

I suppose it’s just a cultural difference.

Yeah, sounds like a cultural thing, though then again it is hard to say with my background of having very little and estranged family and no friends. Maybe other Germans have more luck? XD

2 hours ago, RhaenysBee said:

That takes a level of trust too. I do post it all over the internet but that’s like talking to strangers and I’m comfortable with that, I’ll tell about my life to random strangers too. It’s a weird thing. I suppose with random strangers you don’t care about their opinion and they won’t judge you. Peculiar indeed. 

Lol, same! It's strange, isn't it? I can freely moan about my problems by shouting them out into the void of the internet, but god forbid anybody in real life asks me "How are you?"; I immediately have to switch to defensive mode. It's significantly easier to be open about your messed up state of mind when you don't have to look into the other one's face afterwards.

So... enough rambling... got to get going again already!

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