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Mental Wellbeing 2


Xray the Enforcer
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3 hours ago, Toth said:

Yeah, I don't think that works with my social anxiety. If I can't sell myself to a possible landlord, how am I supposed to sell myself to a possible roommate? Not to mention that I would still have to search for an apartment for my mother anyway since she refuses to stay at the place we live at now.

I mean ... would you though? Isn't she an adult capable of making her own decisions? I understand helping family, just like Rhae describes in her post, but not at the price of you being unable to organise your life as you see fit because you are trying to please somebody who will never be kind to you in return. I think you should concentrate more on what you need for yourself. She is not your child that you are responsible for.

3 hours ago, Toth said:

Ah, well yes... I guess so, but I still would really prefer just talking and planning together to get inspired, that's just how I roll. In fact this constant state of exhaustion and stress draining my creativity hurts the most. Everything I do is half-assed because of that.

Sure, I understand. I am just trying to give ideas on how to make your work more efficient.

3 hours ago, Toth said:

Ugh... no? I was walked around the school by the then vice principal who is now retired back when I was hired, but on my first day I was essentially just thrown in. I only got classes in their first years at the school, so I had to start from scratch and while I was double stacked in three of my lessons to work together with another teacher, all of them soon disappeared into sick leave or retirement (or sick leave to bridge the time till retirement...) and I had to do the lessons on my own anyway.

<cut for length>

I see. I mean, I got about the same showing around the building and all, but most of the coworkers were also happy to talk to me and start if everything is going okay at the beginning.

Uh, I am sorry, but your coworkers and whoever runs the whole organisation seem to suck. I can only say I hope they hire new and more cooperative people as soon as those retire. It is really a pity that they are not willing to help new staff, as it is students who profit the most from that. Just keep trying to do what you feel is needed.

And it is so weird that you can get somebody to train as you are yourself a beginner - here you have to have some years of experience yourself to be able to teach others. And even weirder that her traineeship would be even considered done without you checking her plans and listen and give feedback? When I did the short internship/traineeship at a few schools, I had to have written feedback from the teachers already working there about my performance, and had to write my own report about what I learned there.

Oh, I got that experience that people contact you only when they need something and then when you actually want to spend time with them, they never have it. :dunno: I suppose I am lucky enough that I had some of that experience already in high school (which I still remember fondly, mind you, it was a good time overall), and then some of it at uni, but by now I have mostly got over it and can recognise it and move on. I suppose I grew out of troubling myself over the rejection and gained more experience which made me more confident overall. I do hope the same happens to you - but in order for that to happen, you just have to dare be open to new experience! So you need to change something in your life and when you see it works because you are capable of it, you will feel much better about everything, really. :)

And I am sure that your coworkers take you for younger, but just ask your students - I assume they are teenagers and they all just think you are super old. :P It is a funny "middle ground" to be in.

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6 hours ago, Toth said:

Yeah, I don't think that works with my social anxiety. If I can't sell myself to a possible landlord, how am I supposed to sell myself to a possible roommate? Not to mention that I would still have to search for an apartment for my mother anyway since she refuses to stay at the place we live at now.

I still find it quite absurd that a you would have to justify to a landlord why you are looking for the particular parameters you are looking for. When I was renting out my old flat and met with potential tenants I didn’t care why they wanted this particular flat or what they were going to use it for. Im fine if they are going to live there, I’m fine if they move their grandma there and I’m fine if they use it to have an affair. As long as they keep to our terms of agreement and pay, their life and choices are none of my business. I guess this is another cultural difference. 
becoming flatmates is a bit trickier. After my friend moved out I had a coffee with a friend of a friend who was interested in renting out my guest room. That meeting in itself is a whole story, but the point is I didn’t feel the vibe and she didn’t move in. Of course it’s entirely different when you are moving in with someone who’s also a tenant, the dynamics are far more balanced. What buckwheat said about roommate finding websites sounds like a viable idea to me. 

6 hours ago, Toth said:

Lol, same! It's strange, isn't it? I can freely moan about my problems by shouting them out into the void of the internet, but god forbid anybody in real life asks me "How are you?"; I immediately have to switch to defensive mode. It's significantly easier to be open about your messed up state of mind when you don't have to look into the other one's face afterwards.

 

I’m actually fine talking about my shit to strangers in real life too. Just not to semi-close acquaintance. By that I mean friends and relatives I’m not that close to, coworkers, hairdresser and the like. I will talk to them about my renovation struggles, about work, about travel or past leisure experiences, about sports, etc. but I won’t talk about myself for my life. My feelings, interests, dreams, fears, plans, hobbies, thoughts about the world, emotional experiences all go to like three-four real life individuals and into the black hole of the internet.

Edited by RhaenysBee
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23 hours ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

Uuuuurg, my mental health is kind of officially Not Great, but is a step or so above Sh1tty.

I did get a break - a “weekend” if you will, much of yesterday and today. It was welcome, and needed. And I will totally take it!!! I even shaved my legs and put lotion on everywhere!!! (My dermatologist has advised me that my skin is so dry, I should just use Crisco. Really.)

There was stuff going on outside that to be a weight, though. To be frank, I feel like social media is for me, not good. My son agrees in that he says “it is more divisive, it rarely brings people together” which is why he quit Twitter. 

So, I have taken a break even though I did enjoy being a Top Fan of a dachshund living in Minnesota.

Ever consider just deleting everything? That's what I did.

Except for this place. The people are too awesome.

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29 minutes ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

This is probably why @Tywin et al. has his issues at the food bank where he volunteers with people “driving up in a Mercedes” and therefore being questionably being in need.

Not exactly. I've never hid that I grew up very spoiled and with a lot of means. Why do you think I've taunted @Fragile Bird with the fact I've golfed on a LPGA Majors course since I could walk. My grandmother hit a hole in one on the course.  It's in part why I've always felt a need to give back. I have no illusions that I was very lucky to be born into a wealthy family, and that it has opened doors many will never walk through. But charity, giving back, and public service were all things beaten into me as a youth, and it does bother me as you try to do right by others in need when someone who clearly isn't wanting shows up and takes something meant for the truly desperate. 

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I had to scroll up and check the thread title, but yes, we did actually manage to migrate *that* argument from the covid thread to mental well-being. :stunned:

6 hours ago, KingintheNorth4 said:

This semester has taught me that online learning is not one of my strengths, but dammit, I still passed.

Congratulations! :cheers: What course/exam/final did you pass if you don’t mind sharing?
 

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8 hours ago, A True Kaniggit said:

Why is it so hard for other human beings to understand, "Mommy and Daddy told me this growing up" doesn't make something true?

Are you trying to tell random kids thst Santa’s not real? :P

seriously, this is annoying - people going on about their faith in religion - despite thr fact that in most cases they’re only into that religion because their parents raised them in it. People going on about their good relationship with Jesus ignore the fact that had they been raised in another country, they’d be having a good relationship with Allah, or Ganesh, or whatever.

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This. Day. 

We have a saying... no, actually forget that. This saying is not compatible with 2020 internet. 

The point is: this day was quite absurd. 

I don’t know if The Key or The Book is the more absurd episode. But I will share The Book, just because it has more mental health relevance. 

Several months ago Game of Thrones actress Emilia Clark ran a self care campaign on Instagram in which she had acclaimed British actors and actresses read poems from a book. The Book. This book is a collection of contemporary poems arranged into self-care / mental health related topics (such as emotional well-being, motivation, self-esteem, etc). Silly naive little me thought this was a beautiful campaign and a beautiful book in the year we’ve been having. I myself am a prose person, but my sister is quite the contemporary poetry enthusiast, so silly naive little me thought The Book would make a good Christmas gift. 
It was bullied out of me to show what I got her before Christmas because she hates surprises. This is the positive side of the story, because it prevented the following disaster from transpiring on Christmas Eve. 
Sister thinks this book is quite depressive (she owns every rupi kaur book ever published) and doesn’t want to read things that depress her. In fact, this book is for sick people with mental illnesses (Sister hates every form of illness). Clearly if I chose to give  this to her I think that she is sick with a mental illness. It is a disgusting and hurtful notion to convey this belief to her in such a nasty manner, and at Christmas! She then spent ten minutes crying in her room, then we had an iMessage fight about whether The Book is for sick people or not, whether I think she is sick with a mental illness or not and that she wants me to send back all her gifts and she won’t give me anything for Christmas either. I am going to keep The Book for myself. 

I’m not quite sure how this happened. But it happened. One might say that I could and should have seen this coming, but the idea that a self-care poetry book is “for sick people” so absurd that I can’t imagine how it was supposed to occur to me that she might be offended by this. I mean I just... I can’t. 

Edited by RhaenysBee
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Is that a cultural thing?

I am middle class English, and to me demanding to know what a family member was going to give you for Christmas would, unless there were very special circumstances, be extremely rude. Unsolicitedly criticising the gift to their face, however unwanted it was, would be unspeakably rude. Of course quietly giving it away straight after Christmas would be acceptable, and the giver could later ask only very indirectly whether the gift had been enjoyed or was valued.

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20 minutes ago, A wilding said:

Is that a cultural thing?

I am middle class English, and to me demanding to know what a family member was going to give you for Christmas would, unless there were very special circumstances, be extremely rude. Unsolicitedly criticising the gift to their face, however unwanted it was, would be unspeakably rude. Of course quietly giving it away straight after Christmas would be acceptable, and the giver could later ask only very indirectly whether the gift had been enjoyed or was valued.

I’d say it’s a personal thing. 
Most of what you mention (italic) is the same here as well. Asking to know what one gets before Christmas is usually a joke or a friendly banter or something kids do, rarely a serious request. The pressure point in this case was and is that she “hates surprises” (this isn’t categorically true, she just can’t take a gift she doesn’t 100% want and like). 

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In that case then I would indeed call her behaviour pathological.

I have some slight experience of someone with issues, so if you want my advice (but do feel free to ignore it) I would suggest avoiding giving her the satisfaction of reacting to her behaviour, and to act in a calm and adult manner. Set boundaries and protect yourself. As far as possible detach yourself somewhat and try not to let what she says or does affect your own self esteem. Easier said than done when it is someone as close to you as your sister, I know.

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I have a video session with a therapist tomorrow.  I am not very comfortable with it but I will give it a try.  They want me to see the therapist and the psychiatrist as usual so I will do it.  I have always been sort of flip about therapy.  I have been in many therapy sessions and every one of them was a cliche.  The highly educated/highly paid therapist just sits there until it's time to discuss billing then they animate quite a bit.  It just feels like a racket.  On the other hand I can see value in the idea of it.  I don't know.  I'm willing to try.  Maybe I'm just nervous.  I have never had a video call like this and it feels weird. 

Psychiatrist next month.  

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On 12/5/2020 at 8:10 AM, RhaenysBee said:

I’m so sorry you are in this position. Can your employer just decide this without consulting you? Or asking for your consent and agreement? If so, that’s awful! :( 

Good news, they've changed their minds. Well I say changed their minds, but it's more like the teachers that would have been doing the language training refused to come back in person in sufficient numbers so they scrapped the whole thing. Unfortunately things aren't quite better, still struggling with getting work done (the really concerning thing is how little I care about getting work done), and I think the stress is causing physical symptoms that I'm gonna be talking to a doctor with tomorrow. acid reflux, trouble keeping food down, and my appetite is gone.

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I’m so grateful for the large-ish home and the stable employment throughout quarantine. And the partner who can help guide our grade school kids during the majority of their virtual schooling while I am locked up “in the office.”  We are in such a lucky position, compared to so many.  And I am grateful for this slightly sane corner of the Internet- I lurk and post a bit here, but have otherwise pushed all other social media out of my life, for sanity.

And yet it’s been really goddamn hard.  My partner has always had mental health issues, and this time of isolation has not been good.  She’s struggling with depression, added to by weight gain over the past few months, and had severe bouts of anxiety a bit over a two weeks ago - we got her some medications that seem to be treating the symptoms ok, but it’s just another issue for someone with so many, it’s heartbreaking and worrying.  We’re really bubbled away from our normal community because of health concerns for parents and people extremely reliant on their job, so the group support has been slim-to-none for months, including babysitting/getting away from the kids.

I have been fairly balanced this whole time (a lot more meditation and exercise than normal times), but that’s always been my personality in our relationship.  But it’s been hard emotionally supporting a family and partner for 9 months, with not much of my own support system - and I’ll be honest, I mostly miss the physical intimacy with my partner, which stopped back in March during the initial lockdown and has continued through all of the downs of this year.  I have had a few therapy sessions online (most in summer), but it hasn’t really shifted my perspective about what would comfort me and help connect us.

Just sad about circumstances and the long road of mental healing for her that has yet to begin, and it’s hard to not feel equally sad, mourning what I would have liked our relationship to have looked like, instead of the side-road COVID-19 has taken our lives.

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10 hours ago, A wilding said:

In that case then I would indeed call her behaviour pathological.

I have some slight experience of someone with issues, so if you want my advice (but do feel free to ignore it) I would suggest avoiding giving her the satisfaction of reacting to her behaviour, and to act in a calm and adult manner. Set boundaries and protect yourself. As far as possible detach yourself somewhat and try not to let what she says or does affect your own self esteem. Easier said than done when it is someone as close to you as your sister, I know.

In case it wasn’t clear from my previous post, I did not by any means give her this gift because I question her mental state. Simply because I don’t, just as I don’t think the gift is “for” people with mental illness. The story is more about misinterpreting good intentions. I wouldn’t presume to determine if anything’s pathological about another person and diagnose them. And I’d rather nobody else did either. 

That said, thank you for the advice and tips, I do try to apply these in practice, although much like you said, easier said than done. I suppose our relationship would improve a lot if at least one of us could keep to these. 

7 hours ago, TrueMetis said:

Good news, they've changed their minds. Well I say changed their minds, but it's more like the teachers that would have been doing the language training refused to come back in person in sufficient numbers so they scrapped the whole thing. Unfortunately things aren't quite better, still struggling with getting work done (the really concerning thing is how little I care about getting work done), and I think the stress is causing physical symptoms that I'm gonna be talking to a doctor with tomorrow. acid reflux, trouble keeping food down, and my appetite is gone.

That’s nice! I’m glad the idea was discarded and everybody stays safe. sorry about the stress, I think 2020 has been especially hard on all of us. I hope your doctor can help you with the symptoms. Tea mixes work quite well for reflux, or a bicarbonate soda mixed in water when it gets really bad (if you are one to consider natural home remedies as well). In my experience once the acid settles a little, food will automatically feel more welcome.   But I’m sure consulting your doctor will yield better and faster results. Fingers crossed it gets better soon! 

Edited by RhaenysBee
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On 12/12/2020 at 3:10 AM, RhaenysBee said:

100% sympathize about social media. I lasted about 6 months of Twitter back in 2016ish. Never going anywhere near that ever again. It’s the most toxic hellhole of the internet. 

:lmao: I want to be a Top Fan of a dachshund living in Minnesota! I followed a Flemish giant on Insta but he died and the account is now about the owner’s cats and I’m not a cat person. Still haven’t found my new favorite Insta pet. What a way to live...!

Oh, yeah.  I'm having to take a break from FB right now.  Not sure I'll delete my account entirely or not...I'm just sitting on it for now.  On the one hand, there are people I really love that I want to see, and on the other hand it's a hotbed of toxicity.  Not as bad as Twitter, but still not good.  I'm just going to ponder it for awhile.  I watched "The Social Dilemma" and it didn't tell me anything I didn't already know or suspect.  Meanwhile, I'm still doing Instagram and following the cutest pigs/koi ponds/gardeners/English cottages/knitting and crocheters you ever saw.  It makes me happy.  I figure if Big Brother wants to see how many times I click on a piglet video, more power to 'em.  

The real problem is, I'm like everyone else in the world right now...feeling extra fragile.  And negative stuff impacts me on my best day.  Right now, it absolutely sucks the life out of me.  I just cannot handle it.

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