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Mental Wellbeing 2


Xray the Enforcer
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7 hours ago, Elder Sister said:

Oh, yeah.  I'm having to take a break from FB right now.  Not sure I'll delete my account entirely or not...I'm just sitting on it for now.  On the one hand, there are people I really love that I want to see, and on the other hand it's a hotbed of toxicity.  Not as bad as Twitter, but still not good.  I'm just going to ponder it for awhile.  I watched "The Social Dilemma" and it didn't tell me anything I didn't already know or suspect.  Meanwhile, I'm still doing Instagram and following the cutest pigs/koi ponds/gardeners/English cottages/knitting and crocheters you ever saw.  It makes me happy.  I figure if Big Brother wants to see how many times I click on a piglet video, more power to 'em.  

The real problem is, I'm like everyone else in the world right now...feeling extra fragile.  And negative stuff impacts me on my best day.  Right now, it absolutely sucks the life out of me.  I just cannot handle it.

To me it feels like Facebook has become the village pub of the internet and not in the cute way. (Yes I realize that this is a controversial and insensitive statement, I’m sorry I have nothing against villages or civilized pubs - Facebook is an uncivilized one) Twitter is a hellhole. YouTube is somewhere between Instagram and Facebook (at least the content I follow) and Instagram is the least annoying and toxic and most enjoyable of the bunch. (I’m too old for Snapchat and tiktok)
Insta famous pets are life :wub: 

I really sympathize and agree. This year has been emotionally exhausting. And the year of fragility on a global and individual level.

 

The Book saga continues. Sister apologized at what one would call length by her standards. Her explanation for the unfortunate episode is that she projected her feelings about a school gossip onto my giving her The Book and overreacted. It appears that a school mate has a rather thorough though factually wrong and logically flawed theory about her. According to which she enjoys the male attention she gets and the support, motivation, inspiration and favor she found with teachers because she was left emotionally unstable after family problems this schoolmate read about. (This is why one should never attempt to psychoanalyze people they barely know.) And in this context I can see why she might be sensitive about anything that can be associated with emotional stability. No, it is not an excuse, and yes I’m still sick and tired of her projecting onto me, but it is a context at least so I have some understanding of last night’s absurdity. She promised she’d try to not project on me, which I’ve heard before, but you know, at least we are on the same page About the fact that this is not okay to do. That’s a plus at least. 

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Chataya, sounds like you’ve got solutions, but I want to put in a good word for TMJ massage. It’s better if you learn to do it yourself. Also, you can consciously slacken your muscles throughout the day:) Think “ yokel”!


Rhaenys, I’m sorry that your sister seems to be playing a nasty win/lose with you. There is no great answer to that, except prepare in advance and know that most of that seems to be projection, and a win at all cost approach. I would suggest a role play with someone who can help or write a dialogue in which you practice some ( helpful to you) responses and you can even try them out! Internal family systems is a good methodology. Seems odd, but it isn’t. Real families are can be a minefield.

I would 100x rather go to a pub than be exposed to Twitter or Facebook. My spouse gives me highlights of the day.

Here, there is a lot of leeway, but there are wise moderators on the site. 


I want The Book, now! I gave a book club person a couple of books recommended from my memoir class and I got asked if I meant anything sly with it. No, I just enjoyed the books and knew that they liked punchy autobiographies. One was “ The Center does not Hold”.  Another was “Running with Scissors.” I sent another friend a book on self compassion for her birthday. Since she ( known to me since grade three)was recovering from cancer, there was nothing subtle about it and she was incensed. I liked that book, too:( I’ve heard that some cretins don’t like George Martin.

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I have been on a major P.D. James kick lately, but I downloaded a book this morning that looks so interesting...dark and creepy.  It's called The Shining Girls and it looks fantastic.  It's about a time traveling serial killer.  I need this right now.  For my mental health and well being.  :D

The Running w/Scissors book - are you referring to the one by A Burroughs?  I did enjoy that book, but it was very dark.  It did make me feel better about my own family of origin, though.  This thread reminds me so much of how we all struggle with family dynamics.  @RhaenysBee, I hope you'll find a way to let your sister's machinations wash over you like water off a duck's back.  I know you love her (you must!!!), but she sounds exhausting.  I have a psychic vampire in my family and the Pandemic has actually been incredibly useful for avoiding her.  I realize that, living with her, you don't have that option.  

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On 12/14/2020 at 4:38 PM, RhaenysBee said:

To me it feels like Facebook has become the village pub of the internet and not in the cute way. (Yes I realize that this is a controversial and insensitive statement, I’m sorry I have nothing against villages or civilized pubs - Facebook is an uncivilized one) Twitter is a hellhole. YouTube is somewhere between Instagram and Facebook (at least the content I follow) and Instagram is the least annoying and toxic and most enjoyable of the bunch. (I’m too old for Snapchat and tiktok)
Insta famous pets are life :wub: 

I really sympathize and agree. This year has been emotionally exhausting. And the year of fragility on a global and individual level.

 

The Book saga continues. Sister apologized at what one would call length by her standards. Her explanation for the unfortunate episode is that she projected her feelings about a school gossip onto my giving her The Book and overreacted. It appears that a school mate has a rather thorough though factually wrong and logically flawed theory about her. According to which she enjoys the male attention she gets and the support, motivation, inspiration and favor she found with teachers because she was left emotionally unstable after family problems this schoolmate read about. (This is why one should never attempt to psychoanalyze people they barely know.) And in this context I can see why she might be sensitive about anything that can be associated with emotional stability. No, it is not an excuse, and yes I’m still sick and tired of her projecting onto me, but it is a context at least so I have some understanding of last night’s absurdity. She promised she’d try to not project on me, which I’ve heard before, but you know, at least we are on the same page About the fact that this is not okay to do. That’s a plus at least. 

Is there a financial reason that your sister needs to live with you?  It seems like you would both be much happier living separately, and there is no shame in that, many people in relationships find living together is eye opening and disappointing when they see 24/7 their partners quirks and habits.  Perhaps you could position it as something positive for both of you, more space, less conflict, an opportunity to reset, etc. etc.  As an anonymous armchair therapist, I would wonder if The Book isn't indicative of more issues between the two of you, her perceptions of your perceptions about her, than the explanation that she gave you, but of course,  you are the judge of whether that speculation is reasonable.  Dealing with relatives who are high maintenance is always a challenge even when not sharing the same living quarters. 

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2 hours ago, HoodedCrow said:

Rhaenys, I’m sorry that your sister seems to be playing a nasty win/lose with you. There is no great answer to that, except prepare in advance and know that most of that seems to be projection, and a win at all cost approach. I would suggest a role play with someone who can help or write a dialogue in which you practice some ( helpful to you) responses and you can even try them out! Internal family systems is a good methodology. Seems odd, but it isn’t. Real families are can be a minefield.

I would 100x rather go to a pub than be exposed to Twitter or Facebook. My spouse gives me highlights of the day.

Here, there is a lot of leeway, but there are wise moderators on the site. 


I want The Book, now! I gave a book club person a couple of books recommended from my memoir class and I got asked if I meant anything sly with it. No, I just enjoyed the books and knew that they liked punchy autobiographies. One was “ The Center does not Hold”.  Another was “Running with Scissors.” I sent another friend a book on self compassion for her birthday. Since she ( known to me since grade three)was recovering from cancer, there was nothing subtle about it and she was incensed. I liked that book, too:( I’ve heard that some cretins don’t like George Martin.

That’s an interesting concept! I might actually try it out to rehearse a difficult conversation with another family member. The problem is even when I go through what I want to discuss in my mind, I always chicken out in the end. 

Me too, it wasn’t a very good analogy. Facebook has the marketplace and messenger and ancient school groups at least. Twitter is pure toxicity and nothing else. 

I consumed a surprising amount of books this year though not is a conventional way.  I had such strong feelings against Audible until I finally gave in and I’ve got to say it’s my most used and best value for money subscription. It opened a whole new world I didn’t even realize I missed so badly. And I also read the physical copy of a couple Witcher books which I’m going to donate because as much as I wanted to love it, I don’t. 

2 hours ago, Elder Sister said:

hope you'll find a way to let your sister's machinations wash over you like water off a duck's back.  I know you love her (you must!!!), but she sounds exhausting.  I have a psychic vampire in my family and the Pandemic has actually been incredibly useful for avoiding her.  I realize that, living with her, you don't have that option.  

100% what you describe. I love her very much, and always felt a bit like her mum, which is the tragedy of our relationship indeed, but that’s just how strong this sicko sisterly bond is, I guess. And yes at the same time she is the most exhausting. 

42 minutes ago, Cas Stark said:

Is there a financial reason that your sister needs to live with you?  It seems like you would both be much happier living separately, and there is no shame in that, many people in relationships find living together is eye opening and disappointing when they see 24/7 their partners quirks and habits.  Perhaps you could position it as something positive for both of you, more space, less conflict, an opportunity to reset, etc. etc.  As an anonymous armchair therapist, I would wonder if The Book isn't indicative of more issues between the two of you, her perceptions of your perceptions about her, than the explanation that she gave you, but of course,  you are the judge of whether that speculation is reasonable.  Dealing with relatives who are high maintenance is always a challenge even when not sharing the same living quarters. 

No, it’s purely comfort and circumstances. Sister originally moved in with me temporarily while my previous flat (where she’s supposed to move) was being renovated. This renovation lasted 10 months (it’s complicated) and there are still final touches (decorating, fixing stuff the contractors screwed up, etc) going on but the flat has been movable since mid October. Only, sister “doesn’t have time” and she wanted everything to be 110% perfect. So now the new deadline is the end of January after her exam period. We are both aware that living separately would have huge benefits, she often says she can’t wait to leave when we fight, but the reality is that she’s in no hurry to move to a much smaller place that doesn’t have a live-in housekeeper. (I don’t clean her bedroom and bathroom, but I do take care of common areas, rubbish, household supplies, dishwasher, etc)

It most definitely is. All the surface level fights and projections are the top layer of the archetype issue between us. She always felt that I’m the good child and she’s the bad child, which has a lot to do with our upbringing. And I suppose she still needs more life experience to see beyond that and understand regardless of perceptions and feelings and transgressions and grudges and regrets, neither of us is better than the other, we are just very different and valuable in our own different ways. But that’s not something I can ever convey to her as even my attempt to do so reinforces the misperception in a way.

Edited by RhaenysBee
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Okay, so... I did it! I finally survived this crazy last week with more repeat exams, online teaching and an online course for myself... I'm exhausted, but it is... somewhat refreshing to see two weeks in front of me that... oh god, I still have so much to prepare for after these two weeks that I know I get into severe trouble if I don't start immediately, but as stupid as I am I'm thinking to shove all of that into the second week and spend the first one lazing around and doing something for my fitness.

On 12/12/2020 at 4:41 PM, Buckwheat said:

And it is so weird that you can get somebody to train as you are yourself a beginner - here you have to have some years of experience yourself to be able to teach others. And even weirder that her traineeship would be even considered done without you checking her plans and listen and give feedback? When I did the short internship/traineeship at a few schools, I had to have written feedback from the teachers already working there about my performance, and had to write my own report about what I learned there.

I was confused as well, but I guess it is not unheard of. Heck, here it is not unheard of for teacher trainees to take classes. Or that we have "Quereinsteiger", teacher trainees without formal teaching education who get four times more lessons to teach on top of the course schedule a normal teacher trainee gets. Those get basically squeezed and burned out for as many lessons as possible. Yes, my country is quite horrific to new teachers, which is why we have such a severe shortage of them.

On 12/12/2020 at 4:41 PM, Buckwheat said:

So you need to change something in your life and when you see it works because you are capable of it, you will feel much better about everything, really.

Well yeah, but I was already trying for a fresh start at university, all it did was make things worse. So I must honestly say I have absolutely no idea what to do to change. Like I said earlier, I did initially think that once I live on my own I could go search for more experiences, but as it stands that won't happen.

On 12/12/2020 at 4:41 PM, Buckwheat said:

And I am sure that your coworkers take you for younger, but just ask your students - I assume they are teenagers and they all just think you are super old. :P It is a funny "middle ground" to be in.

No, my students actually don't think that either. My own students are used to me by now, though at the beginning of every semester I still have to suffer questions about how old I am or whether I'm a real teacher already. It's significantly worse when I'm substituting because the students will have the same questions, but notably more hostile ("Since when are students allowed to teach here?").

I should note that we are a vocational upper school though. Meaning that yes, the majority is teenagers, but there are classes where the students are around my age or even older.

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21 hours ago, Toth said:

Okay, so... I did it! I finally survived this crazy last week with more repeat exams, online teaching and an online course for myself... I'm exhausted, but it is... somewhat refreshing to see two weeks in front of me that... oh god, I still have so much to prepare for after these two weeks that I know I get into severe trouble if I don't start immediately, but as stupid as I am I'm thinking to shove all of that into the second week and spend the first one lazing around and doing something for my fitness.

Congrats! :cheers: And for what it’s worth, I think that’s a great idea. Catch your breath, recollect and get some rest! 

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O-Kay. It appears that even though our regulations offer the opportunity to spend Christmas with immediate family paying attention to safety measures, I’ll still get through the holidays by spiking every single cup of tea I have with rum or whiskey or whatever I can find. 

That and dog training. I would really like to advance at least one step with that process. At least we haven’t forgotten previous learning material. So I have a small window to make a tiny bit of progress. Because at this point the biggest thing I can do with my life is to educate that poor dog. He is so clever and so desperate for attention and love and he is so ready to do anything for you if you can just learn to speak his language and convey what you want. I don’t know how long or what it’s gonna take but I’m not letting him go to waste. 

On the family side of things, my mum and I aren’t really talking right now due to differences in dog ownership principles. She also seems quite mad at my father which is likely what’s projected on the dogs. Sister’s latest act is that she is only coming over for as long as my dad stays and then returns to my flat to spend Christmas alone - either crying or on her phone and stressing about school (what she does every single day). I’ll try to draw her attention to the fact that there won’t be coffee/orange juice/food/breakfast/dessert delivery on Christmas. But I suspect that won’t change her mind either, as she wouldn’t eat anything my mother cooks anyway - home cooked meals are below her. (Yes I am aware of the passive aggression oozing out of me.) And my father will come over, give us gifts, make small talk, potentially have a cup of tea and leave. 

So, whoever said they’d be consuming twelve units of alcohol every day in another thread, I’m on board. 

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The part of me that used to do behavior therapy, and likes fur people, salutes you Rhaenys:) ! ( I taught my cat to speak, when she felt like it). My best trick was getting a guy to show a frightened Pomeranian dog that he was harmless,; by lying down on the floor, whimpering, and exposing his neck. It worked! The puppy was concerned for him. Really.
 

Champagne with orange juice, and Bailey’s with coffee. Just for fun one year, my spouse and I had Cheesies, Twinkies, BBQ potato chips, hot dogs and beer. Those are things we limit ourselves!

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38 minutes ago, HoodedCrow said:

The part of me that used to do behavior therapy, and likes fur people, salutes you Rhaenys:) ! ( I taught my cat to speak, when she felt like it). My best trick was getting a guy to show a frightened Pomeranian dog that he was harmless,; by lying down on the floor, whimpering, and exposing his neck. It worked! The puppy was concerned for him. Really.
 

Champagne with orange juice, and Bailey’s with coffee. Just for fun one year, my spouse and I had Cheesies, Twinkies, BBQ potato chips, hot dogs and beer. Those are things we limit ourselves!

:lol: :lol: :lol: I love this. 

I wrestled him down yesterday when he tried to climb on me. It always starts out camouflaged as cuddles and play then he somehow ends up trying to climb on my back (boy this sounds kinky, but it’s just my desperate attempt to train a dog really). I think he kinda accepted that I don’t let him dominate me. And maybe he’s a tiny bit more relaxed and compliant since his surgery, even though he’s still very much in his “teenage” era.  

Coffee and alcohol is a big no for me, just too much, but black tea works well with rum/whiskey. 

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What I’ve come to realize is that I’m continuously paranoid about something bad happening to my family physically. Like I’ve been paranoid about my father’s health ever since a close friend of mine lost her dad. But my father has been quite lucky with his health so far (and may god continue to provide him with that luck), he just decided to leave my mother. And I’d been paranoid that he caught covid at a football match in Spain in March, but he didn’t, he just came clean about living somewhere else. I’m still paranoid that he might get covid because he does a whole lot of socializing, but his test came back negative today only for him to tell my sister, who’s alone at my flat in the city, over the phone, three days before Christmas, after evening curfew that he’s actually living with someone else and that’s why he’s only coming over for a couple hours for Christmas. I’m always paranoid about the physical health, and we always get emotional drama and mental health instead. Is that better? I don’t know, I don’t want to find it, it’s what it is. God I knew there’d be one last shit bomb before the year is over. 
I knew it by the way. And it’s beyond me why he would specifically ask me to not tell my sister and then drop it before Christmas. Who in damned hell does that? Oh and at this point I can only hope that she doesn’t do anything stupid on purpose or by accident. 
I would actually have to work tomorrow and the day after tomorrow, you know, not crisis manage family drama.

Edited by RhaenysBee
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So I’m just gonna leave this here. A little over one year ago my father was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer, and he started treatment right before Xmas 2019. By the end of March 2020 he was in hospice (I live in NY on Long Island) so it was a total shitshow with Covid spreading everywhere. It got so bad that they actually made a whole wing of the hospice an overflow for hospitals w Covid patients and my mother, brother and I couldn’t leave the room when we got there and visiting hours were finally cut. He passed the morning of my parents 40th wedding anniversary, and it’s just been a whole weird year. I quit my job over the summer, and have just sustained myself on savings and odd jobs here and there, but it’s dwindled down to where it’s getting low and I find myself not caring. I’ve never done counseling or anything of the like but I think I may be depressed because I haven’t felt like this ever before in my life. Great time of year to come to that realization but that’s what alcohol is for amiright??

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39 minutes ago, PyroclasticFlow said:

So I’m just gonna leave this here. A little over one year ago my father was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer, and he started treatment right before Xmas 2019. By the end of March 2020 he was in hospice (I live in NY on Long Island) so it was a total shitshow with Covid spreading everywhere. It got so bad that they actually made a whole wing of the hospice an overflow for hospitals w Covid patients and my mother, brother and I couldn’t leave the room when we got there and visiting hours were finally cut. He passed the morning of my parents 40th wedding anniversary, and it’s just been a whole weird year. I quit my job over the summer, and have just sustained myself on savings and odd jobs here and there, but it’s dwindled down to where it’s getting low and I find myself not caring. I’ve never done counseling or anything of the like but I think I may be depressed because I haven’t felt like this ever before in my life. Great time of year to come to that realization but that’s what alcohol is for amiright??

I am very sorry for your loss. And for how much more difficult covid made what little time you still had with your father. Feeling down and apathetic doesn’t sound unnatural in the year of a pandemic especially not after losing a parent. I think it’s important to give oneself time to recover emotionally, savings are especially for times like this. As for a new job, you may not care about it now but it’s absolutely possible that it might help you to move on, find a routine and feel a bit more grounded. I hope you have a peaceful Christmas for the circumstances. 

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Hi. So... my father came to see us. I thought we had a decent family discussion over what happened. Then sister said she didn’t really have a voice or a chance to talk to our father because I ruled the conversation. Which is essentially true. Because I’m a control freak who wants to avoid conflict. And she said I was a suck-up who hugged and acted as if she was moderating the talk. And that’s true too except for the suck-up part. I mean I am the kind of dysfunctional person who lets everybody she loves do shit things and remains nice to them even though it’s the wrong thing to do. But I don’t do that to suck up. Anyway, we got into a nasty fight, she broke my glasses which pissed me off but it’s fine really because I got them in 2015 when we traveled to Thailand for dad’s 50th birthday.
[drunk rant edited by sober Rhaenys]
 Because I’m the shit person who’ll tolerate everything from those she loves. That’s why I don’t deserve a real romantic relationship and that’s why all my past relationships were shit too. Because I wouldn’t know what a functional relationship is if my life depended on it.

And sister went out but it’s curfew in two hours. She’s sober so she will get back in time I hope. My dad is driving and I called him and told him not to answer her calls because I want Him to be safe and I can’t stop meddling. And she’s right. I should stop meddling.


[drunk rant edited by sober rhaenys]

Guys, I haven’t been so drunk in years. Even past relationships didn’t make me so drunk and trust me they made me DRUNK. I don’t even know how I’m still able to type in English.  

[deleted a lot of nonsensical stuff here. I’m sober now. My apologies]

Edited by RhaenysBee
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Wow I was really really drunk. I still am. But I’m sober enough to judge that I was more drunk Than I should be in the previous post so that’s a progress. 
 

ETA: no longer drunk. This evening was a train wreck. Thanks for bearing with me. 

Edited by RhaenysBee
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