Mental Wellbeing 2

[Cas Stark]

On 3/7/2021 at 3:00 PM, RhaenysBee said:

This is what I’m trying to achieve, boundaries and space. Thanks for sharing your family’s story, I’m glad you managed to make it work and hats off for the time and effort it took. 

I really don’t believe in cutting immediate family off and keeping my family together (which often takes space and boundaries as I’m learning the hard way) is a priority I’m not going to compromise on. Yes, it’s difficult and trying but what’s worth it if not my family, what’s more important? Nothing to me. To me. To others, that may be different and that’s okay. If someone finds the solution to these challenges in cutting off their family and that’s what they choose, I salute them for their determination and success. It’s not what I choose and so I must find the determination to succeed in a different way. 

Your sister is now living somewhere else, right?  This is a huge first step, because it creates the space automatically that allows you to set better boundaries.  You don't have to see or speak or text each other every day.  I would guess in your case that 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' may be the thing.  Less is more.  Fewer interactions, and those that are perhaps more carefully chosen to minimize potential blow ups, at least for a while, should help you begin to smooth things over.  But, based on some of your posts, I would wonder if you don't have to also work on letting your sister go and make her own mistakes and then find her own solutions...and living in different places will help with this.  Best of luck and hope you are feeling better as well.

[RhaenysBee]

21 minutes ago, Cas Stark said:

Your sister is now living somewhere else, right?  This is a huge first step, because it creates the space automatically that allows you to set better boundaries.  You don't have to see or speak or text each other every day.  I would guess in your case that 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' may be the thing.  Less is more.  Fewer interactions, and those that are perhaps more carefully chosen to minimize potential blow ups, at least for a while, should help you begin to smooth things over.  But, based on some of your posts, I would wonder if you don't have to also work on letting your sister go and make her own mistakes and then find her own solutions...and living in different places will help with this.  Best of luck and hope you are feeling better as well.

Most definitely. We were the best version of our sisterhood when she was a senior in high school and lived in another town (and a dorm, not with family) and we visited each other at weekends and did stuff together. Which mostly involved eating and/or caffeine alongside park/city strolls and an occasional art exhibition. 

also most definitely. I know I can make it sound like it’s all her fault because my posts are from my perspective, but even though I’m less explosive and bad tempered, I’m 100% also at fault when it comes to the general frame of our relationship. From childhood I had been trained to immediately put on a parent hat when interacting with her and prioritize her because she was the “little one” and those older and more mature had to be flexible for her rather than the other way around. And I can’t say I let this instinct go at all. And that, obviously, bothers her and she’s right. 

Thank you, I am now! (I’m currently eating some vegan or other burger and I can finally taste onion and it’s literally tearing me up. With joy)

[Derfel Cadarn]

On 3/12/2021 at 12:48 AM, Chataya de Fleury said:

I had to remind my brother of the spelling of my first name (he spelled it the English way, not the French spelling our parents gave me) and of my last name, which is no longer my first ex husband’s last name, but my second ex husband’s last name. 
 

I’ve only had this last name since 2008, lol

This is the brother that I actually talk to. I’m doing his taxes this year 

When my dad and his 2nd wife adopted a baby just over 20 years ago in Chile (where they live), he had to fill out the details of his existing children and got the years of birth wrong for my sister and I. 
He also thinks my sister’s middle name has an e at the end...

[RhaenysBee]

I think our dog died. Somewhere. Alone. Likely injured. Hopefully not slowly. Basically the story is that he didn’t go home with my mother after the walk (which he often does - because my mother lets him) and has been missing since yesterday afternoon. He’s partly blind, partly deaf and 13 years old. And yes he always showed up after a day or two or even a week when he was younger. But he’s no longer young and no longer fit. He could have been run over, he could have been simply injured in a fight with another dog or he could have just fallen into a ridge or something. I don’t know how we could possibly find him if he’s dead or injured.

On the one hand I’m devastated that we lose him like this, instead of letting him go at home with all of us who love him or you know, just having him quietly go in his sleep in his basket or on his shelf. And I’m so angry that I cannot be there to search for him, that I couldn’t be there to walk him myself and make sure he went home. If it weren’t for my fucking covid infection, I would have been there this weekend and I wouldn’t have let this happen. Or I could be searching for him instead of writing this. I can’t rush there now, I can’t take him to the vet should he be found alive. I can’t do anything other than post in my hometown’s Facebook group that he’s missing (and even that has to be done by me). 

On the other hand, I’m impossibly angry with my mother. And I don’t yet know how I’ll forgive her. I’m sure it’ll come with time because I forgive everybody for all the shit they pull. I asked so many times, so many times that she doesn’t let him wander around unsupervised because he’s old. I don’t care that he could wander around when he was 5 or 8 or even 10. He is now 13 and he is simply physically unfit to do so. And the fact that he WANTS to go doesn’t change that. It should be our responsibility to not let him. And I’m sure it’s far more comfortable for my mother to just let him outside for a biobreak and tell herself that it’s okay if he wanders around for a couple hours because there’s no traffic and people know him. That doesn’t prevent a car hitting it, that doesn’t prevent fights with other dogs, that doesn’t prevent falling or stumbling and breaking his bones that immobilize him. And I just cannot understand or accept why she would not make sure he comes home when it’s the weekend and she has literally nothing to do other take care of herself and the dogs. Literally nothing. I asked soooo many times. I told her sooo many times that just because that dog was lucky for 13 years it doesn’t mean his luck will last forever. That just because he wants to go he isn’t as young and fit as he used to be. So many times. And like what’s there that I don’t do for her? What’s there that I don’t try to solve and do to help with anything she asks or needs? Why couldn’t she just take care of him? I’m just so full of resentment and anger and I know that’s wrong and I love my mother but I just... I can’t not blame her in this. 

ETA: he was found but he’s not well. I hope it’s just exhaustion. :/ above described feelings didn’t change. 

Edited March 14, 2021 by RhaenysBee

[Ran]

@RhaenysBee

I'm so glad he was found. 13 is definitely very old in dog years, and I hope this event will mean that your mother takes more care with him if he recovers well enough to resume walks. It's one thing to let him off the leash and nose around, but when the walk is done, it's done. He'll be happier for it.

[RhaenysBee]

22 minutes ago, Ran said:

@RhaenysBee

I'm so glad he was found. 13 is definitely very old in dog years, and I hope this event will mean that your mother takes more care with him if he recovers well enough to resume walks. It's one thing to let him off the leash and nose around, but when the walk is done, it's done. He'll be happier for it.

Thank you, so am I. I haven’t talked to my mother yet because I’m too angry with her and I would just say stuff I’d later regret. Sister asked her to keep PW inside and on a leash when outside at least until next Friday when she travels home and takes over looking after him. He is quite the survivor and in all right condition for his age but this is not something we should let him keep testing. I hope he gets through this one too. 

[maarsen]

2 hours ago, RhaenysBee said:

Thank you, so am I. I haven’t talked to my mother yet because I’m too angry with her and I would just say stuff I’d later regret. Sister asked her to keep PW inside and on a leash when outside at least until next Friday when she travels home and takes over looking after him. He is quite the survivor and in all right condition for his age but this is not something we should let him keep testing. I hope he gets through this one too. 

I am glad he is home and safe. 

[Cas Stark]

4 hours ago, RhaenysBee said:

Isnipped

ETA: he was found but he’s not well. I hope it’s just exhaustion. :/ above described feelings didn’t change. 

Yikes.  I'm glad he was found, but you are completely correct, that just because we did a thing for a few years doesn't mean we can always do it, and letting a partially blind 13 year old dog wander around on his own is wrong.  It sounds like at least in this you and your sister are in agreement so that is great for the dog and for you.  

[Inkdaub]

3 hours ago, RhaenysBee said:

ETA: he was found but he’s not well.

Very happy he's home. 

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

Just had my first therapy session ever, which may be a bit odd given I have a psych degree. Not sure I gained anything I didn't already know, but it doesn't hurt to talk to someone. 

[mcbigski]

Tough conversation tonight.  A good friend from college got diagnosed recently with Pick's Disease.  Reading up on it, it's basically a parallel to early onset Alzheimers except that it wrecks your (frontal lobe?) decision making instead of your memory.  Toughest part, I think, is that his kids are still only early teens.  He sounds perfectly reasonable but goes off the rails as soon as he has no second opinion.

Was on the phone with him for over a half hour and his memory is totally sharp.  If I wasn't told prior that he wasn't well, I wouldn't even have noticed much.  Would have assumed that he was living on his own because he more regularly sort of split with his wife which was why he had his own apartment now instead of that he was off the rails.  (Math wise, that's a reasonable assumption)

It is not apparently a treatable condition, and it gets worse progessively. 

My mother is going through the more common memory version/dementia too, she probably couldn't live alone at this point, but thankfully Dad is on the case. 

So far, knock on wood, I've been blessed with solid neurochemistry, but I guess the takeaway is count your own blessings and have patience with folks having a tough time.  

[Lizard Queen]

[Vent]

I've been feeling a sense of cabin fever and isolation the past couple of days as the weather has been nice and friends are venturing out more but I'm not able to join (I am vaccinated though). I think once I change a routine I've gotten into, it will be easier to get out more. 

I started staying up until late hours a little while back for some reason (not sure why I started doing it at that particular point in time). I actually installed an app that blocks other apps on my phone, because I was using some of them during the nights especially and often had a hard time disengaging myself. I used the blocking app to set both timer and schedule related blocks on my apps and it helped a lot. I'm going to bed much earlier now.

I seem to have digestive system that's sensitive to stress, and it hits me in the stomach in particular. My weight was healthy (though on the low side) and I would not have said I had regular GI problems (they were situational as far as I could tell), but then I started grad school and began having some pretty obnoxious belly issues. I've been out a few years and my GI system is much better but it has not been the same. I really don't feel like I have nor have had a great amount of stress or anything that should have continued the issues. I'm not sure why my digestive system hasn't gone back to the way it was.

One of the reasons I stay up late is because that's when it's easiest for me to eat (I'm at my most relaxed -- not doing work or school), but I'm not gobbling down all the missed nourishment from earlier and often wake up too early from sleep, feeling hungry. I'm seeing medical providers about this and I'd say my lifestyle habits are pretty responsible in terms of managing these GI problems. I'm underweight at current (since a few months after going back to school). I've been pushing for more help from medical providers lately since my weight dipped below a healthy point and I've made lifestyle changes to help the issues more. But it frustrates me not being able to eat much or sleep well. 

[dog-days]

I hope things are going a bit better at the moment, LizardQueen. 

[more venting]

Spoiler

 

It was a beautiful day here; yesterday I went for my first proper cycle ride of the year - maybe twenty miles or so along the local canal. I was starting to get my anxiety under control, was eating healthily, and was feeling for the first time in quite a while a tiny bit optimistic about the future. 

Anyway, idiot that I am, I managed to make a mess of a potentially really good day by eating a piece of hot toast too fast and giving myself a blood blister. That sounds ridiculously trivial, and it is,  but at the same time it's pretty unpleasant and alarming if you live alone, you haven't had one before and don't know what it is. I noticed that there was a bump on the left side of my palate, and couldn't work out what it was. It started to get more swollen, and I, being me, began to panic and wonder if I was having some sort of severe allergic reaction to something, and was trying to make emergency plans to deal with that - how long would I have? When should I call 999?

 I went and sat down for a while because my breathing was getting out of control, but after a few minutes made it downstairs and looked in the bathroom mirror - I found that the entire top of my mouth was covered in blood. Everything tasted of iron, my mouth still felt swollen, and though I washed out my mouth with water several times, more blood kept coming. 

Anyway, some careful Googling informed me that what I had was most likely a blood blister. Checks every few minutes reassured me that the blood was clotting. After practising mandolin for a while, I went for a two hour walk. I was shaky to start with, but by the end my breathing was mostly back to normal. I still feel weak and headachy, most likely as a result of the panic earlier. 

I went to the doctor a few weeks ago with swollen lymph nodes; she gave me a blood test which didn't show anything, so she just told me to keep an eye on them and get back in touch if they get any bigger. So, anyway, March was health anxiety central for me; I was just starting to relax and get a grip, when this stupid accident comes along and sets me back.  

 

BTW, does anyone know how to hide text without using spoiler tags? I've tried using [hide]artichokes[/hide] but it's not getting me anywhere. 

Edited April 5, 2021 by dog-days

[A True Kaniggit]

7 hours ago, dog-days said:

BTW, does anyone know how to hide text without using spoiler tags? I've tried using [hide]artichokes[/hide] but it's not getting me anywhere. 

Just use spoiler tags. 

 

We know what it means.

 

Best way to go about it. 

Edited April 5, 2021 by A True Kaniggit

[Liffguard]

Not sure if this is the right thread, but it seems the most appropriate.

I'm trying to think of the best way to phrase this; does anyone else really struggle with maintaining trust in relationships? I don't mean trusting the people you have the relationships with, and I don't just (or even primarily) mean romantic relationships. I mean, trust in the solidity of the relationship itself. Does anyone else have this pervasive gnawing fear that all of your friendships are either transient or circumstantial; that if you take your eye off them for a second or stop actively propping them up, they'll just fade away? Even if the evidence of your lived experience doesn't actually support this?

What brought this on was that yesterday I and a small group of friends had a barbeque to celebrate that we can meet outside in groups now. Most of my friends I met either directly or tangentially through a particular sports club I'm a member of. For obvious reasons, that sports club has been closed for the past fourteen months. Whilst we were chatting yesterday, it came up that the club might not be able to open again. A lot of the membership has drifted away due to covid and other issues, and the coach has a new job that seriously limits his ability to commit to running the club.

Since then I've been feeling this low-key dread that my social life is going to just wither away and die. Rationally, this makes no sense. This club has already been closed for over a year and I've been able to maintain my friendships just fine despite lockdown. Some have even strengthened. And as we start opening up the country again there's nothing preventing me from meeting new people and forming new friendships. But I can't shake this feeling that without this specific social lynchpin, I'm just going to be alone again.

And this is a feeling I have quite often; this isnt't the first time I've felt it. That my friendships could just...end...at any point, and there's nothing I can do about it. 

Does anyone else ever feel something similar? And if so, does anyone have any healthy coping strategies?

[Toth]

1 hour ago, Liffguard said:

Does anyone else have this pervasive gnawing fear that all of your friendships are either transient or circumstantial; that if you take your eye off them for a second or stop actively propping them up, they'll just fade away? Even if the evidence of your lived experience doesn't actually support this?

Could it be that you found yourself in 100% of cases the one initiating a conversation/meet-up? I always had a similar feeling, one which could be best described as being a 'social ghost' who only exists in people's minds as long as you are physically present and I feel like it's heavily connected to a sense of disappointment/exhaustion that nobody else ever bothers to contact you on their own (or pretend they don't see you when you meet them coincidentally...).

Unfortunately I don't have any good recommendation for that either. It is one of the few issues that has come better with time since I've gotten online acquaintances who actually occasionally do write a first message, but since every single one of my real life contacts has died away after leaving university and finishing teacher training, I have hardly any argument that the feeling wasn't absolutely true.

Edited April 5, 2021 by Toth

[Maithanet]

1 hour ago, Toth said:

Could it be that you found yourself in 100% of cases the one initiating a conversation/meet-up? I always had a similar feeling, one which could be best described as being a 'social ghost' who only exists in people's minds as long as you are physically present and I feel like it's heavily connected to a sense of disappointment/exhaustion that nobody else ever bothers to contact you on their own (or pretend they don't see you when you meet them coincidentally...).

Unfortunately I don't have any good recommendation for that either. It is one of the few issues that has come better with time since I've gotten online acquaintances who actually occasionally do write a first message, but since every single one of my real life contacts has died away after leaving university and finishing teacher training, I have hardly any argument that the feeling wasn't absolutely true.

I've struggled with this a lot in the past year, but I'm not sure it's as dire as you're describing.  I have reached out to basically all of my real friends at some point or another over the past year.  Virtually no one has reached out to me.  It can definitely get you down, to always be the one doing that work of reconnecting.  But at the same time, people have all said they liked talking and they seemed to enjoy the conversation without aukwardness, so I'm taking people at their word that they do indeed want to talk to me.  If they didn't, they could just blow me off (which a couple of people did, but fortunately not more than that).  

So I have really been trying to just ignore the fact that it's always me reaching out.  I need to talk to people, the alternative is not an option.  So I'm just giving people the benefit of the doubt and going ahead with it. 

[Elder Sister]

14 minutes ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

Same here. I also had one friend tell me that he was happy that I reached out; he’s not reaching out to anyone because he’s been a little out of sorts and doesn’t want to get anybody down.

It has been a tough year for a lot of people, and also time seems weird, if you work from home, as I do. It’s like, “where did the whole damn first quarter go?” And “what day is it, anyways?”

For some reason, between covid and work from home along with medical issues within my family, I have gotten so strung out and just raw...I don't know how else to describe it.  I tried an antidepressant and hated the way it made me numb so I quit taking it.  the last 4-5 months I've tried to focus on my faith, and doing serious weeding out of the things that add stress/anxiety to my life.  I got rid of some social media accounts, stopped wearing a watch on the days where I can get away with it, quit watching a lot of news, started getting militant about my daily devotional/meditations, and worked on diet and exercise.  It's a lot better, but I still have bouts of bad anxiety sometimes.  I guess everyone does?  I don't know.  Gardening is cranking up, and that always helps tremendously...just being outside and getting to observe birds and critters is therapeutic.  

Regarding the trust thing...I struggle with that as well.  I try to remind myself that no matter how many times I've been burned, I've also been blessed with staunch friends/family members who haven't done anything but love me and be there.  No, they're not perfect, but neither am I.

I love the description of a 'social ghost' that @Tothuses.  For me, up until 4-5 years ago, my life was full of relationships where I felt like that.  If I wasn't in front of them, or wasn't doing for them, I didn't exist.  When I got divorced (from the worst offender of this) I did some weeding there as well and got rid of people who made me feel like this.  It was pretty therapeutic.  

Edited April 5, 2021 by Elder Sister

[Toth]

Ironically this conversation has reminded me that I wanted to write a message to the single member of my university study group that had promised to meet up even after university (but never did) who hasn't changed their number in the meantime. Which I now did. Hey, maybe I can raise our contact to twice a year or something. XD

[Toth]

... and of course up until now no reaction whatsoever. But oddly enough it doesn't faze me. Probably because I'm too busy preparing for school again I guess. But I also just have to note just how incredibly fast my headspace recovered after deleting these dumb online dating profiles. It is astonishing how much pressure I put upon myself to present myself well and how much anxiety was generated just... well, sitting around and seeing my efforts to increase my social interactions in time of crippling loneliness go absolutely nowhere.

Instead I... just go about my day with a clear head, which is I guess also something that needs to be acknowledged.