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Mental Wellbeing 2

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3 hours ago, VigoTheCarpathian said:

You don’t have to cut someone completely out of your life, but putting some space in between you for a time, and having hard boundaries, can really solve a lot.

This is what I’m trying to achieve, boundaries and space. Thanks for sharing your family’s story, I’m glad you managed to make it work and hats off for the time and effort it took. 

I really don’t believe in cutting immediate family off and keeping my family together (which often takes space and boundaries as I’m learning the hard way) is a priority I’m not going to compromise on. Yes, it’s difficult and trying but what’s worth it if not my family, what’s more important? Nothing to me. To me. To others, that may be different and that’s okay. If someone finds the solution to these challenges in cutting off their family and that’s what they choose, I salute them for their determination and success. It’s not what I choose and so I must find the determination to succeed in a different way. 

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Posted (edited)
46 minutes ago, RhaenysBee said:

This is what I’m trying to achieve, boundaries and space. Thanks for sharing your family’s story, I’m glad you managed to make it work and hats off for the time and effort it took. 

I really don’t believe in cutting immediate family off and keeping my family together (which often takes space and boundaries as I’m learning the hard way) is a priority I’m not going to compromise on. Yes, it’s difficult and trying but what’s worth it if not my family, what’s more important? Nothing to me. To me. To others, that may be different and that’s okay. If someone finds the solution to these challenges in cutting off their family and that’s what they choose, I salute them for their determination and success. It’s not what I choose and so I must find the determination to succeed in a different way. 

Good luck with it. :) I would say now that you are physically separated from sister, as in, not living in the same flat, it must make setting boundaries easier. I am sure it is also going to be easier to ignore messages as opposed to direct in-person communication. Remember, you can still have some sort of relationship with her and other family members, even if you only answer when they approach you respectfully. Try to not respond to any messages that have an aggressive or accusatory or offensive tone, and don't escalate situations. I am sure you can do it!

Edited by Buckwheat

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28 minutes ago, RhaenysBee said:

This is what I’m trying to achieve, boundaries and space. Thanks for sharing your family’s story, I’m glad you managed to make it work and hats off for the time and effort it took. 

I really don’t believe in cutting immediate family off and keeping my family together (which often takes space and boundaries as I’m learning the hard way) is a priority I’m not going to compromise on.

Thanks - we’re in a really solid place now.  Part of success was boundaries around the patterns of bullshit that don’t help the situation.  I don’t know if this is possible or workable, but something like “I refuse to have any argument over text - messages like X will be deleted and not responded to, and you can readdress them to me next time we see each other”or “I will walk out of the room and you will be blocked from my phone for a week when you do X” might be a good place to start.

It sounds like all interactions have the potential to be chaos for you both, and protecting yourself/practicing boundaries in one area will probably be a good place to start.

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2 hours ago, RhaenysBee said:

This is what I’m trying to achieve, boundaries and space. Thanks for sharing your family’s story, I’m glad you managed to make it work and hats off for the time and effort it took. 

I really don’t believe in cutting immediate family off and keeping my family together (which often takes space and boundaries as I’m learning the hard way) is a priority I’m not going to compromise on. Yes, it’s difficult and trying but what’s worth it if not my family, what’s more important? Nothing to me. To me. To others, that may be different and that’s okay. If someone finds the solution to these challenges in cutting off their family and that’s what they choose, I salute them for their determination and success. It’s not what I choose and so I must find the determination to succeed in a different way. 

You could call how I deal with some of my family as “boundaries that I chose not to specifically delineate” since my family has a very odd communication style. We write each other physical letters if something is serious. We never mention things like “boundaries” ever, we just set them.

It’s probably unhealthy or not optimal, but that’s the way we do it. 

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22 hours ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

You could call how I deal with some of my family as “boundaries that I chose not to specifically delineate” since my family has a very odd communication style. We write each other physical letters if something is serious. We never mention things like “boundaries” ever, we just set them.

It’s probably unhealthy or not optimal, but that’s the way we do it. 

I mean ... setting boundaries without explicitly stating them sounds reasonable enough to me. It shouldn't be your job to educate other people about what is an appropriate way of communication. Assuming these people are not children, they should be capable of figuring out "personal attacks, accusations and insults are not a way of communication that brings positive results" themselves. Explicitly stating a boundary would only be necessary if it is a very specific one.

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2 hours ago, Buckwheat said:

I mean ... setting boundaries without explicitly stating them sounds reasonable enough to me. It shouldn't be your job to educate other people about what is an appropriate way of communication. Assuming these people are not children, they should be capable of figuring out "personal attacks, accusations and insults are not a way of communication that brings positive results" themselves. Explicitly stating a boundary would only be necessary if it is a very specific one.

Sadly human history doesn't tend to agree with this, so it falls on those who understand these issues to continuously educate those who don't and it serves as a healthy reminder that even the best of us still have blind spots.

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On 3/7/2021 at 3:00 PM, RhaenysBee said:

This is what I’m trying to achieve, boundaries and space. Thanks for sharing your family’s story, I’m glad you managed to make it work and hats off for the time and effort it took. 

I really don’t believe in cutting immediate family off and keeping my family together (which often takes space and boundaries as I’m learning the hard way) is a priority I’m not going to compromise on. Yes, it’s difficult and trying but what’s worth it if not my family, what’s more important? Nothing to me. To me. To others, that may be different and that’s okay. If someone finds the solution to these challenges in cutting off their family and that’s what they choose, I salute them for their determination and success. It’s not what I choose and so I must find the determination to succeed in a different way. 

Your sister is now living somewhere else, right?  This is a huge first step, because it creates the space automatically that allows you to set better boundaries.  You don't have to see or speak or text each other every day.  I would guess in your case that 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' may be the thing.  Less is more.  Fewer interactions, and those that are perhaps more carefully chosen to minimize potential blow ups, at least for a while, should help you begin to smooth things over.  But, based on some of your posts, I would wonder if you don't have to also work on letting your sister go and make her own mistakes and then find her own solutions...and living in different places will help with this.  Best of luck and hope you are feeling better as well.

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21 minutes ago, Cas Stark said:

Your sister is now living somewhere else, right?  This is a huge first step, because it creates the space automatically that allows you to set better boundaries.  You don't have to see or speak or text each other every day.  I would guess in your case that 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' may be the thing.  Less is more.  Fewer interactions, and those that are perhaps more carefully chosen to minimize potential blow ups, at least for a while, should help you begin to smooth things over.  But, based on some of your posts, I would wonder if you don't have to also work on letting your sister go and make her own mistakes and then find her own solutions...and living in different places will help with this.  Best of luck and hope you are feeling better as well.

Most definitely. We were the best version of our sisterhood when she was a senior in high school and lived in another town (and a dorm, not with family) and we visited each other at weekends and did stuff together. Which mostly involved eating and/or caffeine alongside park/city strolls and an occasional art exhibition. 

also most definitely. I know I can make it sound like it’s all her fault because my posts are from my perspective, but even though I’m less explosive and bad tempered, I’m 100% also at fault when it comes to the general frame of our relationship. From childhood I had been trained to immediately put on a parent hat when interacting with her and prioritize her because she was the “little one” and those older and more mature had to be flexible for her rather than the other way around. And I can’t say I let this instinct go at all. And that, obviously, bothers her and she’s right. 

Thank you, I am now! (I’m currently eating some vegan or other burger and I can finally taste onion and it’s literally tearing me up. With joy)

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Posted (edited)

I had to remind my brother of the spelling of my first name (he spelled it the English way, not the French spelling our parents gave me) and of my last name, which is no longer my first ex husband’s last name, but my second ex husband’s last name. :rofl:
 

I’ve only had this last name since 2008, lol

This is the brother that I actually talk to. I’m doing his taxes this year :ack:

Edited by Chataya de Fleury

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On 3/12/2021 at 12:48 AM, Chataya de Fleury said:

I had to remind my brother of the spelling of my first name (he spelled it the English way, not the French spelling our parents gave me) and of my last name, which is no longer my first ex husband’s last name, but my second ex husband’s last name. :rofl:
 

I’ve only had this last name since 2008, lol

This is the brother that I actually talk to. I’m doing his taxes this year :ack:

When my dad and his 2nd wife adopted a baby just over 20 years ago in Chile (where they live), he had to fill out the details of his existing children and got the years of birth wrong for my sister and I. 
He also thinks my sister’s middle name has an e at the end...

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Posted (edited)

I think our dog died. Somewhere. Alone. Likely injured. Hopefully not slowly. Basically the story is that he didn’t go home with my mother after the walk (which he often does - because my mother lets him) and has been missing since yesterday afternoon. He’s partly blind, partly deaf and 13 years old. And yes he always showed up after a day or two or even a week when he was younger. But he’s no longer young and no longer fit. He could have been run over, he could have been simply injured in a fight with another dog or he could have just fallen into a ridge or something. I don’t know how we could possibly find him if he’s dead or injured.

On the one hand I’m devastated that we lose him like this, instead of letting him go at home with all of us who love him or you know, just having him quietly go in his sleep in his basket or on his shelf. And I’m so angry that I cannot be there to search for him, that I couldn’t be there to walk him myself and make sure he went home. If it weren’t for my fucking covid infection, I would have been there this weekend and I wouldn’t have let this happen. Or I could be searching for him instead of writing this. I can’t rush there now, I can’t take him to the vet should he be found alive. I can’t do anything other than post in my hometown’s Facebook group that he’s missing (and even that has to be done by me). 

On the other hand, I’m impossibly angry with my mother. And I don’t yet know how I’ll forgive her. I’m sure it’ll come with time because I forgive everybody for all the shit they pull. I asked so many times, so many times that she doesn’t let him wander around unsupervised because he’s old. I don’t care that he could wander around when he was 5 or 8 or even 10. He is now 13 and he is simply physically unfit to do so. And the fact that he WANTS to go doesn’t change that. It should be our responsibility to not let him. And I’m sure it’s far more comfortable for my mother to just let him outside for a biobreak and tell herself that it’s okay if he wanders around for a couple hours because there’s no traffic and people know him. That doesn’t prevent a car hitting it, that doesn’t prevent fights with other dogs, that doesn’t prevent falling or stumbling and breaking his bones that immobilize him. And I just cannot understand or accept why she would not make sure he comes home when it’s the weekend and she has literally nothing to do other take care of herself and the dogs. Literally nothing. I asked soooo many times. I told her sooo many times that just because that dog was lucky for 13 years it doesn’t mean his luck will last forever. That just because he wants to go he isn’t as young and fit as he used to be. So many times. And like what’s there that I don’t do for her? What’s there that I don’t try to solve and do to help with anything she asks or needs? Why couldn’t she just take care of him? I’m just so full of resentment and anger and I know that’s wrong and I love my mother but I just... I can’t not blame her in this. 

ETA: he was found but he’s not well. I hope it’s just exhaustion. :/ above described feelings didn’t change. 

Edited by RhaenysBee

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@RhaenysBee

I'm so glad he was found. 13 is definitely very old in dog years, and I hope this event will mean that your mother takes more care with him if he recovers well enough to resume walks. It's one thing to let him off the leash and nose around, but when the walk is done, it's done. He'll be happier for it.

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22 minutes ago, Ran said:

@RhaenysBee

I'm so glad he was found. 13 is definitely very old in dog years, and I hope this event will mean that your mother takes more care with him if he recovers well enough to resume walks. It's one thing to let him off the leash and nose around, but when the walk is done, it's done. He'll be happier for it.

Thank you, so am I. I haven’t talked to my mother yet because I’m too angry with her and I would just say stuff I’d later regret. Sister asked her to keep PW inside and on a leash when outside at least until next Friday when she travels home and takes over looking after him. He is quite the survivor and in all right condition for his age but this is not something we should let him keep testing. I hope he gets through this one too. 

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2 hours ago, RhaenysBee said:

Thank you, so am I. I haven’t talked to my mother yet because I’m too angry with her and I would just say stuff I’d later regret. Sister asked her to keep PW inside and on a leash when outside at least until next Friday when she travels home and takes over looking after him. He is quite the survivor and in all right condition for his age but this is not something we should let him keep testing. I hope he gets through this one too. 

I am glad he is home and safe. 

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4 hours ago, RhaenysBee said:

Isnipped

ETA: he was found but he’s not well. I hope it’s just exhaustion. :/ above described feelings didn’t change. 

Yikes.  I'm glad he was found, but you are completely correct, that just because we did a thing for a few years doesn't mean we can always do it, and letting a partially blind 13 year old dog wander around on his own is wrong.  It sounds like at least in this you and your sister are in agreement so that is great for the dog and for you.  

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3 hours ago, RhaenysBee said:

ETA: he was found but he’s not well.

Very happy he's home. 

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Just had my first therapy session ever, which may be a bit odd given I have a psych degree. Not sure I gained anything I didn't already know, but it doesn't hurt to talk to someone. 

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W has been having a difficult time, emotionally, and it’s been difficult for me, as well. He refuses to consider medication because if he takes medication, he can’t fly.

He did change jobs, recently, and he’s been very housebound with the pandemic. He still wipes off his groceries (delivered) with bleach.

I am a little impatient because I am in the process of getting vaccinated. He said he can’t take off work, but I told him of Saturday appointments via text and he never responded. (And, yes, he totally could take off work, he’s a corporate investment-grade debt banker, not an hourly clerk).

Its a little frustrating, but I’m trying to be there for him. It’s hard for me to understand this, because he’s got no “reason” to be depressed. And I wonder if he’s upset about me getting vaccinated. 

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Tough conversation tonight.  A good friend from college got diagnosed recently with Pick's Disease.  Reading up on it, it's basically a parallel to early onset Alzheimers except that it wrecks your (frontal lobe?) decision making instead of your memory.  Toughest part, I think, is that his kids are still only early teens.  He sounds perfectly reasonable but goes off the rails as soon as he has no second opinion.

Was on the phone with him for over a half hour and his memory is totally sharp.  If I wasn't told prior that he wasn't well, I wouldn't even have noticed much.  Would have assumed that he was living on his own because he more regularly sort of split with his wife which was why he had his own apartment now instead of that he was off the rails.  (Math wise, that's a reasonable assumption)

It is not apparently a treatable condition, and it gets worse progessively. 

My mother is going through the more common memory version/dementia too, she probably couldn't live alone at this point, but thankfully Dad is on the case. 

So far, knock on wood, I've been blessed with solid neurochemistry, but I guess the takeaway is count your own blessings and have patience with folks having a tough time.  

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[Vent]

I've been feeling a sense of cabin fever and isolation the past couple of days as the weather has been nice and friends are venturing out more but I'm not able to join (I am vaccinated though). I think once I change a routine I've gotten into, it will be easier to get out more. 

I started staying up until late hours a little while back for some reason (not sure why I started doing it at that particular point in time). I actually installed an app that blocks other apps on my phone, because I was using some of them during the nights especially and often had a hard time disengaging myself. I used the blocking app to set both timer and schedule related blocks on my apps and it helped a lot. I'm going to bed much earlier now.

I seem to have digestive system that's sensitive to stress, and it hits me in the stomach in particular. My weight was healthy (though on the low side) and I would not have said I had regular GI problems (they were situational as far as I could tell), but then I started grad school and began having some pretty obnoxious belly issues. I've been out a few years and my GI system is much better but it has not been the same. I really don't feel like I have nor have had a great amount of stress or anything that should have continued the issues. I'm not sure why my digestive system hasn't gone back to the way it was.

One of the reasons I stay up late is because that's when it's easiest for me to eat (I'm at my most relaxed -- not doing work or school), but I'm not gobbling down all the missed nourishment from earlier and often wake up too early from sleep, feeling hungry. I'm seeing medical providers about this and I'd say my lifestyle habits are pretty responsible in terms of managing these GI problems. I'm underweight at current (since a few months after going back to school). I've been pushing for more help from medical providers lately since my weight dipped below a healthy point and I've made lifestyle changes to help the issues more. But it frustrates me not being able to eat much or sleep well. 

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