Jump to content

Mental Wellbeing 2


Xray the Enforcer
 Share

Recommended Posts

8 hours ago, KingintheNorth4 said:

I'm strongly considering getting a life coach through AANE (Aspergers/Autism Network).

On the one hand, I'm sorry that perhaps things have been quite difficult if you have felt prompted to get a life coach. On the other hand, it could be a really good experience - it's great to feel supported. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I’m going to a post-covid health screening on Thursday and then to the accompanying medical consultations on Monday. (It’s nothing complex, chest CT, some blood work and an ECG) And even though my covid was quite mild (no fever, no cough) and I feel healthier (both mentally and physically) than I have in over 1.5 years, I’m terrified and I think I need to acknowledge this feeling. 

This covid screening is company funded but I also applied for a dermatology checkup - you know, just in case, because it’s summer and the UV index is out of control and I saw Instagram posts about advising people to get regular mole checkups and I’m paranoid and all that. And then today I scrolled down a company news letter (which I never ever do) and I see this post about a woman battling melanoma and her manager letting people know where they can donate to the community funding of her treatment. My brain obviously knows that there’s zero correlation between this news post and my upcoming dermatology appointment, but my anxiety just shot through the roof. 

I’m not going to try to psychoanalyze myself and the origins of my general hypochondria, it’s implications and the rest of its festering into paranoid worry about my family’s health. I just wanted to get this off my chest, because saying (or at least writing down) what I feel makes it real and tangible and possibly easier to face it and put it aside than it’d be if I just left it it lurk in the back of my mind and kept trying to look the other way. What I usually ask myself is “what are the chances of...?” and “what could happen that I couldn’t figure out/cope with?” and “so what if it’s difficult, it’s still not impossible?” and “wouldn’t that still be better than...?” I’m sure at least half of these  is unhealthy. But it tends to work. 

All right, I’ll get out my own head. I feel fine, I’m fine, the last time I had a full blood work was in November and I was perfectly fine then. It’s just the whole pandemic situation that magnifies one’s worry about health. 

 

Edited by RhaenysBee
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I’m sorry @RhaenysBee. The stress is getting to me also, woke up in cold sweat with a nightmare, doctor related. I think it’s hard to take for real. Uncertainty is difficult.

Good for you for doing necessary checkups. Lots of people are deep in denial and are not attending to their medical health responsibly.

I hope that is supportive, it is what I wish to be:)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

So since Thursday it's summer break here. The thought of spending five weeks locked inside at home with my mother fills me with dread. In fact, I... I am seriously at an absolute low point. I have so many little things I would love to do, but can't muster any motivation. I'm constantly exhausted, my body is aching and each time she waltzes into my room I'm getting stress convulsions again. It's also not helped that she keeps berating me for not thinking of doing stuff she expects me to do and mocking me for not doing my own stuff either.

I just feel so extremely hopeless. I'm 28 for fuck's sake and I can't get my life forward in any way. Why do I even bother with anything? I can't change anything anyway, I have no control over anything and am just wasting my time away until death arrives.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...
  • 4 weeks later...

Well I tried to have an actual conversation with my dad tonight.

I suppose he wasn’t interested.

Sigh…..  Guess I’ll finish this visit , and come back in another two years. Try again then.

…like I did in 2019. And 2017. 

Edited by A True Kaniggit
Link to comment
Share on other sites

So I’m in full meltdown mode again. Because I came to visit my mum last night but maybe perhaps I kinda feel my throat at level 1 on a scale of 10 and maybe my head is a little stuffy, but I’m not sure I’d feel these if I didn’t know that a few of my colleagues have been ill (not with covid) in the past two weeks. And now I’m in a complete frenzy because I can’t rationally evaluate how I feel and I can’t decide what’s the right course of action. 

Precovid, I’d drink tea and take vitamin c and go about my business. But now? Just sheer panic and paranoia and helplessness and anxiety, but what if the 0.00001% chance to being reinfected with covid has become reality and what if I infect my mum? If I ignore it all, I might infect her and make her seriously ill. A couple hours ago I was determined to go back to the city and booked myself a covid test, but I still don’t feel determinedly ill, so it’s just drama and people are angry with me about it and I get it and they are right. But I’m still incapable of making a decision, I’m just terribly anxious and helpless and frustrated and hormonal I just want to curl up in a corner and keep crying - which I’ve been doing for nearly 3 hours now. 

I just had this feeling yesterday that maybe I should call this off because of many people caught a random autumn bug, I should assume that I also did. Because why would my immune system not fall victim to whatever the others caught. And then I told myself to get out of my own head because I had no real reason to assume I caught anything, and I’m not just tired and hormonal and generally strained by the crazy weather. So I didn’t call it off. Because coming here is what keeps my mental health intact and maybe I should prioritize doing something positive for me instead of assuming that something’s wrong with me.But was that the right course of action? Maybe not, maybe I should have called it off and just dealt with all the shit that’s bothering me holed up in my flat alone because that’s what’s safest for everybody else. Then again, my whole issue is being so pathologically caught up in everybody’s safety over which I don’t have real control and sacrificing my sanity for that is part of the problem not the solution. But I just don’t know what the fuck is the solution then. 

okay, that’s that. Sorry. 

Edited by RhaenysBee
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 9/17/2021 at 12:20 PM, RhaenysBee said:

So I’m in full meltdown mode again. Because I came to visit my mum last night but maybe perhaps I kinda feel my throat at level 1 on a scale of 10 and maybe my head is a little stuffy, but I’m not sure I’d feel these if I didn’t know that a few of my colleagues have been ill (not with covid) in the past two weeks. And now I’m in a complete frenzy because I can’t rationally evaluate how I feel and I can’t decide what’s the right course of action. 

Precovid, I’d drink tea and take vitamin c and go about my business. But now? Just sheer panic and paranoia and helplessness and anxiety, but what if the 0.00001% chance to being reinfected with covid has become reality and what if I infect my mum? If I ignore it all, I might infect her and make her seriously ill. A couple hours ago I was determined to go back to the city and booked myself a covid test, but I still don’t feel determinedly ill, so it’s just drama and people are angry with me about it and I get it and they are right. But I’m still incapable of making a decision, I’m just terribly anxious and helpless and frustrated and hormonal I just want to curl up in a corner and keep crying - which I’ve been doing for nearly 3 hours now. 

I just had this feeling yesterday that maybe I should call this off because of many people caught a random autumn bug, I should assume that I also did. Because why would my immune system not fall victim to whatever the others caught. And then I told myself to get out of my own head because I had no real reason to assume I caught anything, and I’m not just tired and hormonal and generally strained by the crazy weather. So I didn’t call it off. Because coming here is what keeps my mental health intact and maybe I should prioritize doing something positive for me instead of assuming that something’s wrong with me.But was that the right course of action? Maybe not, maybe I should have called it off and just dealt with all the shit that’s bothering me holed up in my flat alone because that’s what’s safest for everybody else. Then again, my whole issue is being so pathologically caught up in everybody’s safety over which I don’t have real control and sacrificing my sanity for that is part of the problem not the solution. But I just don’t know what the fuck is the solution then. 

okay, that’s that. Sorry. 

Hey Rhae, hope you are  alittle bit fine now

I feel you, I've also been out of my comfort zone with socialisation recently and I know how it feels having all those thoughts in your head.

If you feel you have to be alone these days, I'd say try to do whatever makes you feel happy, even if the thoughts will keep coming regardless of what you do. Think of it: If you stay alone but do something relaxing (don't know, reading something, looking at decoration magazines, whatever you feel it's good) part of your mind will eventually take a positive outcome of the same amount of time.

I'm very bad at tips, but hope it can be helpful.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, I’m quite certain at this point that physically I’m perfectly fine. I’ve been expecting symptoms to appear for days, because I know of so many people who have been ill (again, not with covid), but nothing, I don’t have a runny nose, I don’t have a sore throat, I don’t have cough or anything at all.

I just have crippling anxiety and feel paralyzing helplessness. Because it’s one thing I’m fine, but just because I’m fine I could still have asymptotic covid, and infect my mum who’s also fine though I’m desperately looking for any sign that she’s not, which is just jinxing it, really. It’s ridiculous. I slept two hours in the afternoon because I exhausted myself so badly yesterday. I think the last time I had this level of anxiety over COVID was in the first half of 2020. 

and yes, I was in a really bad headspace to begin with hence the urge to visit. And it’s the first time that being here doesn’t bring me relief and tranquility, it’s just a crazy spiral of fear, anxiety and self-blame and guilt and helplessness and uselessness… I feel a bit like it’ll never be safe for me to come here, because there’s always the odd chance that I’m bringing something home. And that breaks me heart. And I know that my mum is far more bothered by my handling this than about the minuscule risk of the germs I might bring with myself. so either way, I feel like I’m only trouble anyway. Which makes me feel guilty. 

Well… not quite sure how I’ll pick myself up yet, but I suppose necessity will inspire my creativity and I’ll think of something. Thanks for your kind words and advice. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ugh... I'm actually not that much down as I usually am when I post here, but I am feeling particularly pathetic right now. Earlier in between lessons I saw that a comparably recent acquaintance (whom I met two years ago, but only very recently had some longer conversations with) was online in Skype despite it being the middle of the night in her time zone. I felt somewhat mischievous because she barely ever looks into Skype at all if I message her, so I rang up a call. Nothing happened and she got offline an hour later, but now I look at this unerasable "No answer" thing and feel bad for pestering someone for no good reason.

I guess it's just the penultimate episode in a string of events that keep reminding me that I don't have any kind of real life social network and once the online contacts I found disconnect I'm left alone entirely. And that seems to happen quite frequently recently because of acting up connections or people simply being busy and absent (myself included, I'm frustratingly aware of that). Meanwhile in the real life staff room at my table of four two people changed seats elsewhere and the fourth is barely present. So if there is a conversation in the room, I'm physically shut off from it, sitting alone behind their back at the other side of the room, which is a literal representation of how I always feel with people. While I may be able to follow after them, it feels like I'd be overstepping my place/look desperate if I do that.

I know, my worries must seem extremely silly...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Toth, I promise that your fears are not silly. I wish that I could think of a strategy that makes sense in a pandemic, and wouldn’t read as irritating. I have to strategize every time that I move( has been often) and its painful and hard but my ideas used to work! Here and now, I have been trying to set up stuff weeks in advance and most of it failed. I can just tell you that I am also getting well beyond my tolerance for isolation. We are not alone with that!

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 9/20/2021 at 8:00 PM, HoodedCrow said:

Toth, I promise that your fears are not silly. I wish that I could think of a strategy that makes sense in a pandemic, and wouldn’t read as irritating. I have to strategize every time that I move( has been often) and its painful and hard but my ideas used to work! Here and now, I have been trying to set up stuff weeks in advance and most of it failed. I can just tell you that I am also getting well beyond my tolerance for isolation. We are not alone with that!

Thanks. And of course good luck with your plans!

In my case I probably shouldn't use my spare time reading heated tirades in a troll infested other forum and wedge myself in. I may be starved of social interaction, but this is the opposite extreme. -.-

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...
On 9/20/2021 at 6:47 PM, Toth said:

Meanwhile in the real life staff room at my table of four two people changed seats elsewhere and the fourth is barely present. So if there is a conversation in the room, I'm physically shut off from it, sitting alone behind their back at the other side of the room, which is a literal representation of how I always feel with people. While I may be able to follow after them, it feels like I'd be overstepping my place/look desperate if I do that.

Okay, elaboration to that, my social anxiety is wrecking me at the moment and I feel particularly wretched about comparing myself to a guy who seems to have all this social networking stuff down. Because I'm becoming painfully aware that this is my third year at my school and I still haven't managed to get any kind of acquaintances I can freely talk with. And now I'm basically in awe watching this newly hired guy who got a place in my staff room. One week later a colleague was already driving him around the city and now he's got a flock of colleagues around him with which he makes plans for dinner and sports activities, while every Monday he's telling his tales of how he's crossed half the country to spend the weekend with his various illustrious friends. I'm getting painfully self-conscious listening in to this sitting at my lone table at the door while the rest of the room has created this tightly-knit group at the windows. And again, I have my pride. I can't exactly insert myself into these conversations or move to one of their tables. That would look too desperate. If they wanted me anywhere near them, they would have asked me.

God, this sounds so childish typing it out, but I guess it just adds to the glum and isolated atmosphere going on. It's not helping that I must look particularly vulnerable and easy to push around at the moment. Over the last two weeks I had several instances of strangers on the street mocking me as I passed them. The students must have picked up on that as well and keep trying to push the boundaries.  And as if a blast back from the past, two of my classes have spontaneously taken on the habit of yelling my name at the top of their lungs whenever they see me, something that I already complained about in the past in regards to something middle-schoolers have been doing with me, but never high-schoolers and not to the degree that it's two quarters of a class doing it and then hide in the crowd when I come around to discuss why this is unacceptable. So now I can't even go anywhere outside the staff room without causing an uproar. -.-

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 5 weeks later...
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...