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Mental Wellbeing 2

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Posted (edited)

I hope things are going a bit better at the moment, LizardQueen. 

[more venting]

Spoiler

 

It was a beautiful day here; yesterday I went for my first proper cycle ride of the year - maybe twenty miles or so along the local canal. I was starting to get my anxiety under control, was eating healthily, and was feeling for the first time in quite a while a tiny bit optimistic about the future. 

Anyway, idiot that I am, I managed to make a mess of a potentially really good day by eating a piece of hot toast too fast and giving myself a blood blister. That sounds ridiculously trivial, and it is,  but at the same time it's pretty unpleasant and alarming if you live alone, you haven't had one before and don't know what it is. I noticed that there was a bump on the left side of my palate, and couldn't work out what it was. It started to get more swollen, and I, being me, began to panic and wonder if I was having some sort of severe allergic reaction to something, and was trying to make emergency plans to deal with that - how long would I have? When should I call 999?

 I went and sat down for a while because my breathing was getting out of control, but after a few minutes made it downstairs and looked in the bathroom mirror - I found that the entire top of my mouth was covered in blood. Everything tasted of iron, my mouth still felt swollen, and though I washed out my mouth with water several times, more blood kept coming. 

Anyway, some careful Googling informed me that what I had was most likely a blood blister. Checks every few minutes reassured me that the blood was clotting. After practising mandolin for a while, I went for a two hour walk. I was shaky to start with, but by the end my breathing was mostly back to normal. I still feel weak and headachy, most likely as a result of the panic earlier. 

I went to the doctor a few weeks ago with swollen lymph nodes; she gave me a blood test which didn't show anything, so she just told me to keep an eye on them and get back in touch if they get any bigger. So, anyway, March was health anxiety central for me; I was just starting to relax and get a grip, when this stupid accident comes along and sets me back. :bang: 

 

BTW, does anyone know how to hide text without using spoiler tags? I've tried using [hide]artichokes[/hide] but it's not getting me anywhere. 

Edited by dog-days

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Posted (edited)
7 hours ago, dog-days said:

BTW, does anyone know how to hide text without using spoiler tags? I've tried using [hide]artichokes[/hide] but it's not getting me anywhere. 

Just use spoiler tags. 

 

We know what it means.


 

Best way to go about it. 

Edited by A True Kaniggit

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Not sure if this is the right thread, but it seems the most appropriate.

I'm trying to think of the best way to phrase this; does anyone else really struggle with maintaining trust in relationships? I don't mean trusting the people you have the relationships with, and I don't just (or even primarily) mean romantic relationships. I mean, trust in the solidity of the relationship itself. Does anyone else have this pervasive gnawing fear that all of your friendships are either transient or circumstantial; that if you take your eye off them for a second or stop actively propping them up, they'll just fade away? Even if the evidence of your lived experience doesn't actually support this?

What brought this on was that yesterday I and a small group of friends had a barbeque to celebrate that we can meet outside in groups now. Most of my friends I met either directly or tangentially through a particular sports club I'm a member of. For obvious reasons, that sports club has been closed for the past fourteen months. Whilst we were chatting yesterday, it came up that the club might not be able to open again. A lot of the membership has drifted away due to covid and other issues, and the coach has a new job that seriously limits his ability to commit to running the club.

Since then I've been feeling this low-key dread that my social life is going to just wither away and die. Rationally, this makes no sense. This club has already been closed for over a year and I've been able to maintain my friendships just fine despite lockdown. Some have even strengthened. And as we start opening up the country again there's nothing preventing me from meeting new people and forming new friendships. But I can't shake this feeling that without this specific social lynchpin, I'm just going to be alone again.

And this is a feeling I have quite often; this isnt't the first time I've felt it. That my friendships could just...end...at any point, and there's nothing I can do about it. 

Does anyone else ever feel something similar? And if so, does anyone have any healthy coping strategies?

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Liffguard said:

Does anyone else have this pervasive gnawing fear that all of your friendships are either transient or circumstantial; that if you take your eye off them for a second or stop actively propping them up, they'll just fade away? Even if the evidence of your lived experience doesn't actually support this?

Could it be that you found yourself in 100% of cases the one initiating a conversation/meet-up? I always had a similar feeling, one which could be best described as being a 'social ghost' who only exists in people's minds as long as you are physically present and I feel like it's heavily connected to a sense of disappointment/exhaustion that nobody else ever bothers to contact you on their own (or pretend they don't see you when you meet them coincidentally...).

Unfortunately I don't have any good recommendation for that either. It is one of the few issues that has come better with time since I've gotten online acquaintances who actually occasionally do write a first message, but since every single one of my real life contacts has died away after leaving university and finishing teacher training, I have hardly any argument that the feeling wasn't absolutely true.

Edited by Toth

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1 hour ago, Toth said:

Could it be that you found yourself in 100% of cases the one initiating a conversation/meet-up? I always had a similar feeling, one which could be best described as being a 'social ghost' who only exists in people's minds as long as you are physically present and I feel like it's heavily connected to a sense of disappointment/exhaustion that nobody else ever bothers to contact you on their own (or pretend they don't see you when you meet them coincidentally...).

Unfortunately I don't have any good recommendation for that either. It is one of the few issues that has come better with time since I've gotten online acquaintances who actually occasionally do write a first message, but since every single one of my real life contacts has died away after leaving university and finishing teacher training, I have hardly any argument that the feeling wasn't absolutely true.

I've struggled with this a lot in the past year, but I'm not sure it's as dire as you're describing.  I have reached out to basically all of my real friends at some point or another over the past year.  Virtually no one has reached out to me.  It can definitely get you down, to always be the one doing that work of reconnecting.  But at the same time, people have all said they liked talking and they seemed to enjoy the conversation without aukwardness, so I'm taking people at their word that they do indeed want to talk to me.  If they didn't, they could just blow me off (which a couple of people did, but fortunately not more than that).  

So I have really been trying to just ignore the fact that it's always me reaching out.  I need to talk to people, the alternative is not an option.  So I'm just giving people the benefit of the doubt and going ahead with it. 

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46 minutes ago, Maithanet said:

I've struggled with this a lot in the past year, but I'm not sure it's as dire as you're describing.  I have reached out to basically all of my real friends at some point or another over the past year.  Virtually no one has reached out to me.  It can definitely get you down, to always be the one doing that work of reconnecting....

So I have really been trying to just ignore the fact that it's always me reaching out.  I need to talk to people, the alternative is not an option.  So I'm just giving people the benefit of the doubt and going ahead with it. 

Same here. I also had one friend tell me that he was happy that I reached out; he’s not reaching out to anyone because he’s been a little out of sorts and doesn’t want to get anybody down.

It has been a tough year for a lot of people, and also time seems weird, if you work from home, as I do. It’s like, “where did the whole damn first quarter go?” And “what day is it, anyways?”

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Posted (edited)
14 minutes ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

Same here. I also had one friend tell me that he was happy that I reached out; he’s not reaching out to anyone because he’s been a little out of sorts and doesn’t want to get anybody down.

It has been a tough year for a lot of people, and also time seems weird, if you work from home, as I do. It’s like, “where did the whole damn first quarter go?” And “what day is it, anyways?”

For some reason, between covid and work from home along with medical issues within my family, I have gotten so strung out and just raw...I don't know how else to describe it.  I tried an antidepressant and hated the way it made me numb so I quit taking it.  the last 4-5 months I've tried to focus on my faith, and doing serious weeding out of the things that add stress/anxiety to my life.  I got rid of some social media accounts, stopped wearing a watch on the days where I can get away with it, quit watching a lot of news, started getting militant about my daily devotional/meditations, and worked on diet and exercise.  It's a lot better, but I still have bouts of bad anxiety sometimes.  I guess everyone does?  I don't know.  Gardening is cranking up, and that always helps tremendously...just being outside and getting to observe birds and critters is therapeutic.  

Regarding the trust thing...I struggle with that as well.  I try to remind myself that no matter how many times I've been burned, I've also been blessed with staunch friends/family members who haven't done anything but love me and be there.  No, they're not perfect, but neither am I.

I love the description of a 'social ghost' that @Tothuses.  For me, up until 4-5 years ago, my life was full of relationships where I felt like that.  If I wasn't in front of them, or wasn't doing for them, I didn't exist.  When I got divorced (from the worst offender of this) I did some weeding there as well and got rid of people who made me feel like this.  It was pretty therapeutic.  

Edited by Elder Sister

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Ironically this conversation has reminded me that I wanted to write a message to the single member of my university study group that had promised to meet up even after university (but never did) who hasn't changed their number in the meantime. Which I now did. Hey, maybe I can raise our contact to twice a year or something. XD

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... and of course up until now no reaction whatsoever. But oddly enough it doesn't faze me. Probably because I'm too busy preparing for school again I guess. But I also just have to note just how incredibly fast my headspace recovered after deleting these dumb online dating profiles. It is astonishing how much pressure I put upon myself to present myself well and how much anxiety was generated just... well, sitting around and seeing my efforts to increase my social interactions in time of crippling loneliness go absolutely nowhere.

Instead I... just go about my day with a clear head, which is I guess also something that needs to be acknowledged.

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Posted (edited)
On 4/4/2021 at 11:44 AM, dog-days said:

I hope things are going a bit better at the moment, LizardQueen. 

[more venting]

  Hide contents

 

It was a beautiful day here; yesterday I went for my first proper cycle ride of the year - maybe twenty miles or so along the local canal. I was starting to get my anxiety under control, was eating healthily, and was feeling for the first time in quite a while a tiny bit optimistic about the future. 

Anyway, idiot that I am, I managed to make a mess of a potentially really good day by eating a piece of hot toast too fast and giving myself a blood blister. That sounds ridiculously trivial, and it is,  but at the same time it's pretty unpleasant and alarming if you live alone, you haven't had one before and don't know what it is. I noticed that there was a bump on the left side of my palate, and couldn't work out what it was. It started to get more swollen, and I, being me, began to panic and wonder if I was having some sort of severe allergic reaction to something, and was trying to make emergency plans to deal with that - how long would I have? When should I call 999?

 I went and sat down for a while because my breathing was getting out of control, but after a few minutes made it downstairs and looked in the bathroom mirror - I found that the entire top of my mouth was covered in blood. Everything tasted of iron, my mouth still felt swollen, and though I washed out my mouth with water several times, more blood kept coming. 

Anyway, some careful Googling informed me that what I had was most likely a blood blister. Checks every few minutes reassured me that the blood was clotting. After practising mandolin for a while, I went for a two hour walk. I was shaky to start with, but by the end my breathing was mostly back to normal. I still feel weak and headachy, most likely as a result of the panic earlier. 

I went to the doctor a few weeks ago with swollen lymph nodes; she gave me a blood test which didn't show anything, so she just told me to keep an eye on them and get back in touch if they get any bigger. So, anyway, March was health anxiety central for me; I was just starting to relax and get a grip, when this stupid accident comes along and sets me back. :bang: 

 

BTW, does anyone know how to hide text without using spoiler tags? I've tried using [hide]artichokes[/hide] but it's not getting me anywhere. 

Thank you for your well-wish :). (I didn't realize you'd sent it, so now I've responded "late")

Sounds like you're doing good work on anxiety and it's been better lately for it :). Hopefully a health scare that turned out to be an non-serious wound can help you feel more optimistic if you go through any sort of similar incident in the future? 

 

 

--------------------------------

Probably going to be seeing a somewhat recent ex-friend when I start going out more again here soon. I always get these weird, unpleasant awkward feelings when I see people I used to have some kind of emotionally involved relationship with that ended badly/sadly. I'm sure the feelings will fade sometime though. 

I thought some coffee I drank made me feel a little anxious earlier and I think it may have (not good for my belly problems, but I thought I was within acceptable amount... Guess I used too many grounds). I previously went through changes like the ones I have coming up a few years ago, but I was actually very excited about them then. Now I'm not excited about the same impending changes, but instead I've been feeling sad and worried. Some of the changes I went through those years ago I suppose didn't have all happy ends, so I guess I'm not as optimistic? Plus, I think this pandemic that's been going on for over a year is just not the most uplifting, so it may be that I'm not as inclined to optimism as I'd normally be. 

Edited by Lizard Queen

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On 4/5/2021 at 2:38 PM, Liffguard said:

Not sure if this is the right thread, but it seems the most appropriate.

I'm trying to think of the best way to phrase this; does anyone else really struggle with maintaining trust in relationships? I don't mean trusting the people you have the relationships with, and I don't just (or even primarily) mean romantic relationships. I mean, trust in the solidity of the relationship itself. Does anyone else have this pervasive gnawing fear that all of your friendships are either transient or circumstantial; that if you take your eye off them for a second or stop actively propping them up, they'll just fade away? Even if the evidence of your lived experience doesn't actually support this?

What brought this on was that yesterday I and a small group of friends had a barbeque to celebrate that we can meet outside in groups now. Most of my friends I met either directly or tangentially through a particular sports club I'm a member of. For obvious reasons, that sports club has been closed for the past fourteen months. Whilst we were chatting yesterday, it came up that the club might not be able to open again. A lot of the membership has drifted away due to covid and other issues, and the coach has a new job that seriously limits his ability to commit to running the club.

Since then I've been feeling this low-key dread that my social life is going to just wither away and die. Rationally, this makes no sense. This club has already been closed for over a year and I've been able to maintain my friendships just fine despite lockdown. Some have even strengthened. And as we start opening up the country again there's nothing preventing me from meeting new people and forming new friendships. But I can't shake this feeling that without this specific social lynchpin, I'm just going to be alone again.

And this is a feeling I have quite often; this isnt't the first time I've felt it. That my friendships could just...end...at any point, and there's nothing I can do about it. 

Does anyone else ever feel something similar? And if so, does anyone have any healthy coping strategies?

I understand this feeling. I often feel the same when I look at my circle of friends and realise they've come from specific circumstances.

Unfortunately when I look back the evidence doesn't really help my feelings as I've often flitted from one friendship group to another over the years. Especially in school I would usually latch onto a friendship group of 2 or 3 other people, but I was always the "extra" (in my mind at least) and over time we'd grow apart (or in some cases they'd start to bully me for no reason I've ever been able to figure out and I've had years of therapy at this point)..

I don't have great advice for you, but what sometime helps me is to think about what made me bond with these people in the First place. The sports club might have facilitated your meeting them but it isn't necessarily the reason you're friends. There are presumably other reasons - other shared interests, similar personalities, humour, etc. Its this kind of thing I've tried to focus on lately. A lot of my friends now are people I have met through work. My closest friends are from my previous bar job and although none of us work there anymore, we've stayed friends because we have lots in common, we are comfortable around each other, we share lots of personal info with each other. I don't know if this is helpful to you, but I hope it is.

On 4/5/2021 at 5:29 PM, Maithanet said:

I've struggled with this a lot in the past year, but I'm not sure it's as dire as you're describing.  I have reached out to basically all of my real friends at some point or another over the past year.  Virtually no one has reached out to me.  It can definitely get you down, to always be the one doing that work of reconnecting.  But at the same time, people have all said they liked talking and they seemed to enjoy the conversation without aukwardness, so I'm taking people at their word that they do indeed want to talk to me.  If they didn't, they could just blow me off (which a couple of people did, but fortunately not more than that).  

So I have really been trying to just ignore the fact that it's always me reaching out.  I need to talk to people, the alternative is not an option.  So I'm just giving people the benefit of the doubt and going ahead with it. 

Yeah I am someone who has not kept in great contact with people throughout the pandemic. Its not because I don't want to talk to people or dislike them, its because either I don't want to bring them down, or I feel like I have nothing of interest to say to them. When you are stuck at home all day its hard to find for me new things to talk about without feeling like I'm being vapid or boring. If you've had people especially over the last year not reach out, try to cut them some slack and give them the benefit lfthe doubt as Maithanet says

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I'm going to vent a bit here.  The mental health resources we have in the US is completely fucked.  About a month ago I got a call from one of my band-mates - our harmonica player/singer took his own life.  His wife told us he had been severely depressed for a while with the pandemic, but couldn't/didn't get any help to deal with it.  He left behind two grade school aged kids, a stay-at-home mom, and because he took his own life, no life insurance will get paid out.  The whole thing just pisses me off.

Then 3 weeks ago I got a call from my sister.  My 25 year old brother was in a coma from a combination of COVID and an overdose that caused his heart to stop for 5 minutes.  My brother had tried to kill himself 3 times in the last 2 years.  About 6 months ago my mom called every mental health facility within about 10 states to get him committed.  He was 100% behind this and they couldn't find one opening in.  Any that had spots couldn't take him in because they were reserved for people that were either coming from a hospital or jail.  None of the places would take someone who had diagnosed bi-polar disorder and multiple attempts on their own life - because it wasn't "urgent".  I'm still fuming about this part.  He needed help.  He tried to get help.  The help he needed was simply not available in our country.  Last Saturday we had to take him off life support and he passed last Monday.  This was a good kid that had some pretty tough mental health issues and self-medicated in very harmful ways to try and deal with it - and there was nothing for him.

So yeah.... I'm just fucking pissed right now about how absolute shit our mental health resources are

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17 hours ago, aceluby said:

I'm going to vent a bit here.  The mental health resources we have in the US is completely fucked.  About a month ago I got a call from one of my band-mates - our harmonica player/singer took his own life.  His wife told us he had been severely depressed for a while with the pandemic, but couldn't/didn't get any help to deal with it.  He left behind two grade school aged kids, a stay-at-home mom, and because he took his own life, no life insurance will get paid out.  The whole thing just pisses me off.

Then 3 weeks ago I got a call from my sister.  My 25 year old brother was in a coma from a combination of COVID and an overdose that caused his heart to stop for 5 minutes.  My brother had tried to kill himself 3 times in the last 2 years.  About 6 months ago my mom called every mental health facility within about 10 states to get him committed.  He was 100% behind this and they couldn't find one opening in.  Any that had spots couldn't take him in because they were reserved for people that were either coming from a hospital or jail.  None of the places would take someone who had diagnosed bi-polar disorder and multiple attempts on their own life - because it wasn't "urgent".  I'm still fuming about this part.  He needed help.  He tried to get help.  The help he needed was simply not available in our country.  Last Saturday we had to take him off life support and he passed last Monday.  This was a good kid that had some pretty tough mental health issues and self-medicated in very harmful ways to try and deal with it - and there was nothing for him.

So yeah.... I'm just fucking pissed right now about how absolute shit our mental health resources are

Sorry to hear about your losses. 

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I went through this patch of time where I was jittery and laughing my butt off. It was the oddest thing, and I was fixated on the oddest things. I thought I did something really cute, and my mind just sort of ran away with it. Laughing away in my rocking chair, I thought I was being attacked. Why on earth would someone who was accepting of this be in this state of mind? All the contradictions and hypocrisy really got to me. I was very dumbfounded by what I was writing because it all fit me in some ways. Like I was really pissed off at myself and trying to look in, but I thought that I was trying to talk to someone else. I think I can let the mental breakdown go. I should go back to Church. I really think my life was stress-free when I was going.

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On 4/5/2021 at 3:38 PM, Liffguard said:

Not sure if this is the right thread, but it seems the most appropriate.

I'm trying to think of the best way to phrase this; does anyone else really struggle with maintaining trust in relationships? I don't mean trusting the people you have the relationships with, and I don't just (or even primarily) mean romantic relationships. I mean, trust in the solidity of the relationship itself. Does anyone else have this pervasive gnawing fear that all of your friendships are either transient or circumstantial; that if you take your eye off them for a second or stop actively propping them up, they'll just fade away? Even if the evidence of your lived experience doesn't actually support this?

What brought this on was that yesterday I and a small group of friends had a barbeque to celebrate that we can meet outside in groups now. Most of my friends I met either directly or tangentially through a particular sports club I'm a member of. For obvious reasons, that sports club has been closed for the past fourteen months. Whilst we were chatting yesterday, it came up that the club might not be able to open again. A lot of the membership has drifted away due to covid and other issues, and the coach has a new job that seriously limits his ability to commit to running the club.

Since then I've been feeling this low-key dread that my social life is going to just wither away and die. Rationally, this makes no sense. This club has already been closed for over a year and I've been able to maintain my friendships just fine despite lockdown. Some have even strengthened. And as we start opening up the country again there's nothing preventing me from meeting new people and forming new friendships. But I can't shake this feeling that without this specific social lynchpin, I'm just going to be alone again.

And this is a feeling I have quite often; this isnt't the first time I've felt it. That my friendships could just...end...at any point, and there's nothing I can do about it. 

Does anyone else ever feel something similar? And if so, does anyone have any healthy coping strategies?

There have been times when I felt like this too. And sometimes it still flares up, but my general experience has been that when I made the choice to get out of my head (about this particular issue) and let go of the negative feelings, the universe balanced itself out. 

Looking back, there had been a time in my life when people invited me out quite a bit and I said no a lot. It’s only fair that there’d be times when I had to make the effort of initiating contact. Also, in adulthood friendships take an effort, back in school we were in each other’s butts all day all week, life is so much more complicated now. And as long as I feel like the relationships are meaningful to me and I trust them and there’s an balance, I don’t mind investing effort. 

There were times when there wasn’t a balance (and I didn’t realize this based on who reached out to the other). Those friendships naturally slipped away because I stopped holding on and making an effort. Friend “breakups” are never pleasant but usually meant to be, much like romantic breakups. One of those friendships is in such an odd limbo at the moment. It has in fact long stopped being a friendship, but it hasn’t yet disappeared entirely. 

It is also often the case that once people see someone take the initiative and reach out a couple times, the role of the organizer settles on the person. People just accept and take that role for granted because it’s comfortable and it doesn’t occur to them that the person might be having doubts about he or she is always the one to reach out. 

One the whole, however, sometimes there’s the most random person, who’ll reach out to me and even if it’s just an exchange of emails (because we had never been more than acquaintances), it feels incredibly warm and fuzzy and it inspires me to reach out to long lost acquaintances myself. Which also feels equally warm and fuzzy. 

So the takeaway of my experience is that there’s often no reason to overthink who’s reaching out, and if there’s a larger issue with the relationship, it’s something that you’ll feel in your gut and it will instinctively dismantle itself. And that even if you feel like you are doing the work, the universe will at some point, in some way return that, with this friend group or another. Just be mindful if the relationship on the whole is worth your effort. 

Then again, I’m not the most social person in the world and I’m perfectly content with this. I can see that it may be important for someone who have more groups of friends and frequent, spontaneous hangouts.

 

 

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On 4/22/2021 at 6:42 AM, Eru Illuvatar said:

I went through this patch of time where I was jittery and laughing my butt off. It was the oddest thing, and I was fixated on the oddest things. I thought I did something really cute, and my mind just sort of ran away with it. Laughing away in my rocking chair, I thought I was being attacked. Why on earth would someone who was accepting of this be in this state of mind? All the contradictions and hypocrisy really got to me. I was very dumbfounded by what I was writing because it all fit me in some ways. Like I was really pissed off at myself and trying to look in, but I thought that I was trying to talk to someone else. I think I can let the mental breakdown go. I should go back to Church. I really think my life was stress-free when I was going.

I can 100% sympathize with this. I have never been consciously and actively practicing religion, but there are so many times when I feel like meaning is slipping away from life and there’s nothing solid and time standing to hold onto. And I’ve been considering for years now that I should get involved with the religious local community. I’m just not sure if my generally skeptical and critical attitude is right for that. But my mother also got in touch with her religious beliefs as her marriage concluded falling apart and she claims it has helped her immensely. So yes, I’m toying with the same idea. 

 

However, my current difficulty is, surprise, covid related. I really really really really want and need to go home. I’ve been in a rather strict self imposed lockdown for two months now and I crave to be near living creatures. I want to hug my mum and cuddle the dogs and be outside without a mask in nature. And I supposed to do that for Easter, but then I was still PCR positive at the time so I couldn’t. And then I said I’d go home for the last week of April or the first week of May. But then my mum only got her vaccine now and there’s a pressure to wait three weeks (or for the second dose) - not from my mum, but in general.
 

At the same time, my company is launching the return to office program from mid May, and even though I will likely have the choice to stretch it out and only go back in Mid June, now I’m beating myself up over the what’s the bigger risk question. To go home in the second half of May while I can maintain a strict self-isolation, but my Mum only has the 65%ish protection, or wait for that protection to go up. By which time I won’t necessarily have the chance to be entirely cut off from the world. Honestly I think it’s far safer to go home in a couple weeks after not seeing a living soul for two weeks than in June when my mum’s fully vaccinated but I’m commuting to a 3000 headcount office two or three times a week. 

Not to mention that my father also really wants to meet up with me, and I promised to build sister’s ikea furniture, and I keep putting those off in case the next week will be the one I happen to go and see my mum. And it’d also be nice to see friends and colleagues in flesh soon. My top priority is to go to see my mum and the dogs though, so I’m fine subordinating everything else to that. What I struggle with is the lack of clarity and plan. It just feels like an infinite wait. And a part of me is also concerned that Prince William (our ancient family dog) will pass before I can see him (not on FaceTime) again. He’s fine for his age, perky and insolent when it comes to food and walks, so there isn’t really a tangible reason to worry about this. 
 

And if we are at it, I closed a quite successful first quarter at my job and I was quite pleased with that and proud of myself.   It was also widely acknowledged and appreciated, to the point that one of my bosses nominated me for some role model prize or the other. But I somehow got this idea into my head that if anything I did a full average and standard job and it’s far from enough for such and she only wanted to be nice anyway, and now I feel awkward and stupid about it. Which is soooo ridiculous because I objectively did a good job and the confidence that gave me (at first) is both healthy and necessary to do an even better job and improve as a professional.

(That sounds a bit odd because I have literally no motivation to consciously improve as a professional, I’m just incredibly grateful for this opportunity and I don’t want to let them down. All my work related growth is organic, because I’m far more motivated to indulge obscure hobbies and interests than to actively invest time in my professional development. And I like it that way and I have no desire to change that. Although I sometimes wonder what I could achieve if I really put myself to it. But I still prefer my obscure hobbies and interests :dunno: ) 

Anyway, I think it’s just the self isolation getting a bit too much. Not to say that I don’t also enjoy it. I do actually find joy in all this and I daresay I’ve been leading the healthiest lifestyle I had throughout the whole pandemic. I cook for myself and I enjoy improving my cooking, I workout and I have workout goals in my mind, I read books and I’m slowly working on clearing out sister’s room and the mess room. And in a sense it’s a welcome and refreshing feeling to be on my own and do things the way I like. (This makes me feel a tiny bit guilty, but I also know it’s healthier for sister to live on her own too)

You know, it’d just be nice to feel a bit more normal. To see a couple people, god forbid touch them, or even just the level of normal we had in November and December, to buy a cup of coffee for takeaway and drink it in a park. But this is something we are all struggling with and nice things will come once we are on the other side. 

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(Vent, not sure I want to discuss the topic)

This past Thursday, I broke it off with this guy I'd been seeing. He did not react well; he told me he hated me and said if I'd had any self-awareness that I'd have suicidal thoughts. He said more shitty things than those. He gave a first round of nasty texts in the initial, and then sent some more two hours later. I did not take any of them personally as I just pretty much saw a deeply hurt person with (and I mean this with no attitude) psychological issues that had been provoked by the rejection. I felt more worried about him possibly going on to harass me or maybe even harming himself from what he was saying and how angry he seemed. He mentioned having suicidal thoughts in the second batch of texts (that's when he said I should be the one who had them). About 24 hours later, I asked him (with an intended concerned tone) about the thoughts. He just sent a message a few hours after that simply said "Leave me alone". I didn't reply and haven't heard from him since. I just don't think he's going to bother me at this rate, and I think he will emote over the split but come out of it and get on with life...

It's only been a few days since this all occurred. I've had days where I felt happy (in general) and felt humored by the dramatic texts (don't know if that's bad on my part), and other days where I felt a little sad and kind of disturbed by his reaction and what he said. I don't feel extremely emotional about anything on the whole though and I don't think that will change. I don't think this will be a bother to me for long.

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I need somewhere to type this out

She lived through the death of her husband and the horrible grief and loneliness that followed. Shortly afterwards he lived through the death of 3 of her 5 sisters. She then suffered some serious health scares in 2018/19 which led to her being hospitalised on and off for months. After discharge she was deeply depressed, very frail, and required daily care from family, and eventually professional carers, for almost a year. She slowly recovered and was able to manage on her own just in time for COVID-19 lockdown. She lived for the past year with minimal contact to keep her as safe as possible. We made sure someone called her every day, we had video chats, and the mothership and her sister made sparing visits to make sure she was fed, keeping as distant as possible. She survived all of that, but at 17:25 this evening my nanna passed quietly away after being taken into hospital this morning with stomach pains.

I loved her so much. She cared for me while my parents were at work when I was younger. She helped the three of us out financially when we were struggling. She supported me in everything I did and was always so proud of me. She was such a strong woman I looked up to from a young age.

I'm just sitting here in my flat in a state of shock. I can't quite accept its real yet. I'm sure in time the grief and tears will come. But for now, I am just numb.

 

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