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Xray the Enforcer

Mental Wellbeing 2

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Posted (edited)
19 minutes ago, Tywin et al. said:

I don't understand Facebook's thinking at all. A friend of mine has been posting about contemplating suicide for a week or so and their decision was not to help him, but to ban him instead, cutting him off from the friends he still has who were trying to help. It's so wrong what they're doing.

The fuck? Are you still in contact with the friend? (If you are let them know that people they’ve never met want them to live.)

Does your friend need a stranger to talk to to unload/vent? I’m willing. 
 

If you think something, say something.

Edited by A True Kaniggit

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11 minutes ago, A True Kaniggit said:

The fuck? Are you still in contact with the friend?

Does your friend need a stranger to talk to to unload/vent?

 

No, and it doesn't sound like many people can reach him but those who can are trying to get him a place to stay and enough money for a few months rent and cost of living. And trust me, we're long past him needing to have some therapy. 

I just hope those that can still communicate with him are having some success because he was posting some pretty dark stuff. 

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Not sure what to say, but I had a rough couple of days. And I just thought to myself: I don't have to think about this stuff if I don't want to. I shouldn't force myself to think something to "toughen myself up" or anything. I don't know, just something that I knew, but really hit me recently. I know I'm being completely vague about what my thoughts are, but I used to think that if you were deliberately not thinking about something, it was because you were kinda weak, even if I didn't say it in those terms.

Definitely not something I really internalized growing up as people said that, so I was told, that one shouldn't "hide" thoughts from yourself. Well, I feel like while it's good to not turn away from the truth or turn away from the reality of a situation, it's perfectly natural to just... stop thinking about something after a moment or two and move on. Again, just had a personal matter that I dealt with recently, but it's all fine now. But my biggest problem during it is that I would dwell on it, I think.

Welp, not much more to say, but honestly? Think however you want. And don't verbalize your thoughts so much. That's what I think, anyways.

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Okay, today sets out to be a considerably miserable day. I was just ripped out of my work to be sent out to get bread rolls and was suddenly overwhelmed by a total sense of helplessness, that I should just throw myself down and die. My chest is seriously hurting.

It's all so... pointless. Why am I even trying to change, why am I even trying to have goals and aspirations? There is no wriggle room for me, I only exist to serve my mother and every attempt to do something for myself that even faintly looks like 'leaving her behind' is met with accusations and guilt. I really need to truly give up on myself or else I will continue to hurt as long as I live. I need to be content with where I am and accept that I just don't have what it takes to make experiences normal people make.

I suppose I'm just blowing things out of proportion again, but I just... am not in the right place mentally at the moment.

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8 hours ago, KingintheNorth4 said:

I'm strongly considering getting a life coach through AANE (Aspergers/Autism Network).

On the one hand, I'm sorry that perhaps things have been quite difficult if you have felt prompted to get a life coach. On the other hand, it could be a really good experience - it's great to feel supported. 

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Posted (edited)

I’m going to a post-covid health screening on Thursday and then to the accompanying medical consultations on Monday. (It’s nothing complex, chest CT, some blood work and an ECG) And even though my covid was quite mild (no fever, no cough) and I feel healthier (both mentally and physically) than I have in over 1.5 years, I’m terrified and I think I need to acknowledge this feeling. 

This covid screening is company funded but I also applied for a dermatology checkup - you know, just in case, because it’s summer and the UV index is out of control and I saw Instagram posts about advising people to get regular mole checkups and I’m paranoid and all that. And then today I scrolled down a company news letter (which I never ever do) and I see this post about a woman battling melanoma and her manager letting people know where they can donate to the community funding of her treatment. My brain obviously knows that there’s zero correlation between this news post and my upcoming dermatology appointment, but my anxiety just shot through the roof. 

I’m not going to try to psychoanalyze myself and the origins of my general hypochondria, it’s implications and the rest of its festering into paranoid worry about my family’s health. I just wanted to get this off my chest, because saying (or at least writing down) what I feel makes it real and tangible and possibly easier to face it and put it aside than it’d be if I just left it it lurk in the back of my mind and kept trying to look the other way. What I usually ask myself is “what are the chances of...?” and “what could happen that I couldn’t figure out/cope with?” and “so what if it’s difficult, it’s still not impossible?” and “wouldn’t that still be better than...?” I’m sure at least half of these  is unhealthy. But it tends to work. 

All right, I’ll get out my own head. I feel fine, I’m fine, the last time I had a full blood work was in November and I was perfectly fine then. It’s just the whole pandemic situation that magnifies one’s worry about health. 

 

Edited by RhaenysBee

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I’m sorry @RhaenysBee. The stress is getting to me also, woke up in cold sweat with a nightmare, doctor related. I think it’s hard to take for real. Uncertainty is difficult.

Good for you for doing necessary checkups. Lots of people are deep in denial and are not attending to their medical health responsibly.

I hope that is supportive, it is what I wish to be:)

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So since Thursday it's summer break here. The thought of spending five weeks locked inside at home with my mother fills me with dread. In fact, I... I am seriously at an absolute low point. I have so many little things I would love to do, but can't muster any motivation. I'm constantly exhausted, my body is aching and each time she waltzes into my room I'm getting stress convulsions again. It's also not helped that she keeps berating me for not thinking of doing stuff she expects me to do and mocking me for not doing my own stuff either.

I just feel so extremely hopeless. I'm 28 for fuck's sake and I can't get my life forward in any way. Why do I even bother with anything? I can't change anything anyway, I have no control over anything and am just wasting my time away until death arrives.

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Well I tried to have an actual conversation with my dad tonight.

I suppose he wasn’t interested.

Sigh…..  Guess I’ll finish this visit , and come back in another two years. Try again then.

…like I did in 2019. And 2017. 

Edited by A True Kaniggit

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So I’m in full meltdown mode again. Because I came to visit my mum last night but maybe perhaps I kinda feel my throat at level 1 on a scale of 10 and maybe my head is a little stuffy, but I’m not sure I’d feel these if I didn’t know that a few of my colleagues have been ill (not with covid) in the past two weeks. And now I’m in a complete frenzy because I can’t rationally evaluate how I feel and I can’t decide what’s the right course of action. 

Precovid, I’d drink tea and take vitamin c and go about my business. But now? Just sheer panic and paranoia and helplessness and anxiety, but what if the 0.00001% chance to being reinfected with covid has become reality and what if I infect my mum? If I ignore it all, I might infect her and make her seriously ill. A couple hours ago I was determined to go back to the city and booked myself a covid test, but I still don’t feel determinedly ill, so it’s just drama and people are angry with me about it and I get it and they are right. But I’m still incapable of making a decision, I’m just terribly anxious and helpless and frustrated and hormonal I just want to curl up in a corner and keep crying - which I’ve been doing for nearly 3 hours now. 

I just had this feeling yesterday that maybe I should call this off because of many people caught a random autumn bug, I should assume that I also did. Because why would my immune system not fall victim to whatever the others caught. And then I told myself to get out of my own head because I had no real reason to assume I caught anything, and I’m not just tired and hormonal and generally strained by the crazy weather. So I didn’t call it off. Because coming here is what keeps my mental health intact and maybe I should prioritize doing something positive for me instead of assuming that something’s wrong with me.But was that the right course of action? Maybe not, maybe I should have called it off and just dealt with all the shit that’s bothering me holed up in my flat alone because that’s what’s safest for everybody else. Then again, my whole issue is being so pathologically caught up in everybody’s safety over which I don’t have real control and sacrificing my sanity for that is part of the problem not the solution. But I just don’t know what the fuck is the solution then. 

okay, that’s that. Sorry. 

Edited by RhaenysBee

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On 9/17/2021 at 12:20 PM, RhaenysBee said:

So I’m in full meltdown mode again. Because I came to visit my mum last night but maybe perhaps I kinda feel my throat at level 1 on a scale of 10 and maybe my head is a little stuffy, but I’m not sure I’d feel these if I didn’t know that a few of my colleagues have been ill (not with covid) in the past two weeks. And now I’m in a complete frenzy because I can’t rationally evaluate how I feel and I can’t decide what’s the right course of action. 

Precovid, I’d drink tea and take vitamin c and go about my business. But now? Just sheer panic and paranoia and helplessness and anxiety, but what if the 0.00001% chance to being reinfected with covid has become reality and what if I infect my mum? If I ignore it all, I might infect her and make her seriously ill. A couple hours ago I was determined to go back to the city and booked myself a covid test, but I still don’t feel determinedly ill, so it’s just drama and people are angry with me about it and I get it and they are right. But I’m still incapable of making a decision, I’m just terribly anxious and helpless and frustrated and hormonal I just want to curl up in a corner and keep crying - which I’ve been doing for nearly 3 hours now. 

I just had this feeling yesterday that maybe I should call this off because of many people caught a random autumn bug, I should assume that I also did. Because why would my immune system not fall victim to whatever the others caught. And then I told myself to get out of my own head because I had no real reason to assume I caught anything, and I’m not just tired and hormonal and generally strained by the crazy weather. So I didn’t call it off. Because coming here is what keeps my mental health intact and maybe I should prioritize doing something positive for me instead of assuming that something’s wrong with me.But was that the right course of action? Maybe not, maybe I should have called it off and just dealt with all the shit that’s bothering me holed up in my flat alone because that’s what’s safest for everybody else. Then again, my whole issue is being so pathologically caught up in everybody’s safety over which I don’t have real control and sacrificing my sanity for that is part of the problem not the solution. But I just don’t know what the fuck is the solution then. 

okay, that’s that. Sorry. 

Hey Rhae, hope you are  alittle bit fine now

I feel you, I've also been out of my comfort zone with socialisation recently and I know how it feels having all those thoughts in your head.

If you feel you have to be alone these days, I'd say try to do whatever makes you feel happy, even if the thoughts will keep coming regardless of what you do. Think of it: If you stay alone but do something relaxing (don't know, reading something, looking at decoration magazines, whatever you feel it's good) part of your mind will eventually take a positive outcome of the same amount of time.

I'm very bad at tips, but hope it can be helpful.

 

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Well, I’m quite certain at this point that physically I’m perfectly fine. I’ve been expecting symptoms to appear for days, because I know of so many people who have been ill (again, not with covid), but nothing, I don’t have a runny nose, I don’t have a sore throat, I don’t have cough or anything at all.

I just have crippling anxiety and feel paralyzing helplessness. Because it’s one thing I’m fine, but just because I’m fine I could still have asymptotic covid, and infect my mum who’s also fine though I’m desperately looking for any sign that she’s not, which is just jinxing it, really. It’s ridiculous. I slept two hours in the afternoon because I exhausted myself so badly yesterday. I think the last time I had this level of anxiety over COVID was in the first half of 2020. 

and yes, I was in a really bad headspace to begin with hence the urge to visit. And it’s the first time that being here doesn’t bring me relief and tranquility, it’s just a crazy spiral of fear, anxiety and self-blame and guilt and helplessness and uselessness… I feel a bit like it’ll never be safe for me to come here, because there’s always the odd chance that I’m bringing something home. And that breaks me heart. And I know that my mum is far more bothered by my handling this than about the minuscule risk of the germs I might bring with myself. so either way, I feel like I’m only trouble anyway. Which makes me feel guilty. 

Well… not quite sure how I’ll pick myself up yet, but I suppose necessity will inspire my creativity and I’ll think of something. Thanks for your kind words and advice. 

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Ugh... I'm actually not that much down as I usually am when I post here, but I am feeling particularly pathetic right now. Earlier in between lessons I saw that a comparably recent acquaintance (whom I met two years ago, but only very recently had some longer conversations with) was online in Skype despite it being the middle of the night in her time zone. I felt somewhat mischievous because she barely ever looks into Skype at all if I message her, so I rang up a call. Nothing happened and she got offline an hour later, but now I look at this unerasable "No answer" thing and feel bad for pestering someone for no good reason.

I guess it's just the penultimate episode in a string of events that keep reminding me that I don't have any kind of real life social network and once the online contacts I found disconnect I'm left alone entirely. And that seems to happen quite frequently recently because of acting up connections or people simply being busy and absent (myself included, I'm frustratingly aware of that). Meanwhile in the real life staff room at my table of four two people changed seats elsewhere and the fourth is barely present. So if there is a conversation in the room, I'm physically shut off from it, sitting alone behind their back at the other side of the room, which is a literal representation of how I always feel with people. While I may be able to follow after them, it feels like I'd be overstepping my place/look desperate if I do that.

I know, my worries must seem extremely silly...

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Toth, I promise that your fears are not silly. I wish that I could think of a strategy that makes sense in a pandemic, and wouldn’t read as irritating. I have to strategize every time that I move( has been often) and its painful and hard but my ideas used to work! Here and now, I have been trying to set up stuff weeks in advance and most of it failed. I can just tell you that I am also getting well beyond my tolerance for isolation. We are not alone with that!

 

 

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On 9/20/2021 at 8:00 PM, HoodedCrow said:

Toth, I promise that your fears are not silly. I wish that I could think of a strategy that makes sense in a pandemic, and wouldn’t read as irritating. I have to strategize every time that I move( has been often) and its painful and hard but my ideas used to work! Here and now, I have been trying to set up stuff weeks in advance and most of it failed. I can just tell you that I am also getting well beyond my tolerance for isolation. We are not alone with that!

Thanks. And of course good luck with your plans!

In my case I probably shouldn't use my spare time reading heated tirades in a troll infested other forum and wedge myself in. I may be starved of social interaction, but this is the opposite extreme. -.-

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On 9/18/2021 at 7:51 PM, RhaenysBee said:

Well… not quite sure how I’ll pick myself up yet, but I suppose necessity will inspire my creativity and I’ll think of something. Thanks for your kind words and advice. 

Hope you feel better soon ^_^:grouphug:

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Wooooo! I think I have a great mental health post to submit that relates to family.

Give me a 3-4 more hours. 
 

Edit:  Well not tonight. Too busy. 

Edited by A True Kaniggit

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