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Mental Wellbeing 2


Xray the Enforcer
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Here is what I would say if you were working for a private company in my profession (IT):

Don't fall in to the trap of trying to do too many things, consequently doing most of them badly, and ultimately probably getting burned out and/or resigning or being fired. You will get little sympathy from your employer and will only damage your mental health and career. Instead report that you have too much to do and request prioritisation of your tasks. If you don't get it, choose your own prioritisation, making sure to prioritise tasks you enjoy and that will help you grow, and, if you want to play nice, also those you think most crucial to your employer. Then make sure to report this prioritisation, and your progress, at frequent intervals, keeping a record. If ordered to pick up a new task, say "okay, which current task do you want me to drop?", and if you get no answer, choose one to drop and document this in your next report. If your manager won't work with you and keeps demanding that you do everything at top priority, then look for another job.

I don't know how much of that applies to you, but your mental health must always come first.

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3 hours ago, Theda Baratheon said:

I don’t think I actually deserve it though because I feel awful at my job. I never seem to hit deadlines, all my work seems subpar & not as good as it should be cos I’m so stretched for time, busy & stressed out 

Theda I understand how you feel. It is not uncommon to feel that you are not doing well at your job. I have felt the same way at jobs also.   We have been friends here for a while now and I am confident in your abilities. Stay strong.

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Stay strong is good advice. If you want to do something elaborate, which might not help fast, give voice to your conflicts and emotions, as if they were different POV characters in what is billed as an omniscient point of view. And…pay attention to what character your bosses have. My DH would never disrespect an employee for asking for more money. He would try to get it for you! However, he may be an oddball. His position on procrastination would be…if you did your work, schedule your own time. He would want to know if you could make it, and then fight for more time or help, if you couldn’t. But there were Gold dates. He liked to reward people with personal time, and money, if it was possible. He fought with management at one point by refusing to bell curve his employees. He said that if they were not meeting expectations, he would have already done something!

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Sigh... in some twisted way it feels like the good old times back when things were normal: Christmas time nears and the atmosphere at home is suffocating.

And... well, it takes quite a lot for me to have thoughts this disturbing, but I caught myself several times this week contemplating that the world would be better without me if all I'm doing is being a bother to other people.

At work things have been crazy and I have spent several weekends and weekday nights doing nothing other than correcting exams till my eyes were bleeding and spending my weekdays running after the remaining students who escaped my exams by constantly calling in sick. I then got a mildly phrased reminder that I'm late with my grading, causing me even more stress.

At the same time my mother severely got her leg hurt, meaning I had to drop everything, doing all of her chores in the house as well as errants outside while also dealing with my own chores and above necessary workload on top of that. Last week I once came home extremely exhausted and with a massive headache only to find my mother crying on the ground demanding I have to tidy up the house and berating me why I'm never there.

Also I'm facing the distinct possibility of getting severely reprimanded at my job because three weeks ago I was asked in passing whether I can deliver a proof that I'm vaccinated against measles. I am, but I haven't seen my original vaccination passport since the divorce of my parents, it is very much possible my father accidentally nabbed it together with some other critical documents that have been missing since then. Unfortunately I only managed to call the successors of the doctors I had as a baby last week because of my insane workload... and indeed managed to get the okay to go visit one tomorrow who surprisingly still has information about at least one of the measles shots that I have.

Unfortunately my mother on top of all the craziness that already happened and going on and on about how I forgot to remind her to send her sister some flowers for Christmas and that this is something I also have to think about, I can't just depend on her to think of everything and can't only think of school and sit at my computer all day... well she also got obsessed with how I have to thank the receptionist by buying pralines, decorate them with other pralines, a Christmas card with 10 € and some flowers, but then told me not to go out yesterday because I'm needed at home and now berate me that I should have gotten all of that yesterday and then that the Christmas card is too much and I'm an idiot for not saying so before...

... and meanwhile I spent the entire weekend barely doing anything, only being productive in the early morning when she's still asleep and then the rest of the day just sitting at the computer paralyzed waiting for the next reason for her to march into the room and tell me why I'm useless and incapable of living and thinking like a normal human being. I just... I'm so exhausted and I really don't know what to do anymore...

Sorry for the rant, but I just needed to vent a little bit...

Edited by Toth
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Ok, Toth, you didn't ask for advice, and I know I'm going against the general ethos of the thread plus against good manners in general by giving unsolicited advice, but, for God's sake,

1. Get a room in a WG or rent a studio 

2. Don't tell her

3. When you leave, tell whatever the equivalent of social services are about her, and only contact her if you're sure it's on your terms. If she's an arsehole, hang up. 

You deserve better than this. 

Re the vaccination certificate for measles. At least in UK working culture, no one would care. It would be a tick-boxy thing that about 50% of employees would drag their heels over interminably. Somewhere an admin person would have some memos on their Outlook calendar saying "nag persons A through Z about the cert" and that would be that. (BTW, at least from what I've observed  from first and second hand experience in UK higher education, everyone's late with the grading too. Except the old hand that's learned how to go through a paper in ten seconds flat, and that one paragon in her first year of teaching that does everything on time with two pages of commentary, and is probably just the beneficiary of a pact with Satan.) 

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On 12/17/2021 at 10:27 PM, Theda Baratheon said:

I don’t think I actually deserve it though because I feel awful at my job. I never seem to hit deadlines, all my work seems subpar & not as good as it should be cos I’m so stretched for time, busy & stressed out 

That sounds much more like a problem with your job/management than with you. I hope you have a bit of time over Christmas to relax and find some non-work related stuff that can help you re-anchor your non-work identity. 

(I also suspect that your work is much better than you think it is at the moment). 

Edited by dog-days
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@Theda Baratheon in the grand scheme of things, the interest of your employer is to have as few people as possible doing as much work as possible for as little money as possible. On an individual level, your superior may be empathetic and long-term thinking enough to notice that you’re overwhelmed and unhappy (which is undesirable, the system wants you to be overwhelmed and happy, so you’ll stay on and keep performing) , but the general rule of thumb is that if you don’t speak up (for more money or less work) they won’t. If you don’t feel like your performance is reliable enough to ask for more money (and it’s normal and common for performance to naturally drop under pressure and intense workload after an extended period of time), do schedule a meeting to ask for less work (an intern, a colleague to delegate to or just generally fewer responsibilities). They will likely oblige as it is also your employer’s interest that you are able to sustainably perform your duties to an optimum standard for a long time to come - substituting you or replacing you in the case of your burnout/resignation/sick leave is far more expensive and painful for them than getting some of the extra work off your shoulders. So, please don’t hesitate to talk to your superior and ask for less work, it’s perfectly reasonable. Good luck with the chat and slowing down a little! (And for once this is professional rather than personal opinion, I work in HR) 

 

And here is what drive me nuts. - please skip to the last paragraph it’s just COVID rant, don’t bore yourself, I just needed an angry meltdown. 
So there’s some kind of weird flu epidemic, but it’s fine, it’s in China. No sorry, it’s actually spreading, but it’s fine because it’s just flu. No, sorry, it’s actually not like flu, it’s way more dangerous and lethal, but it’s fine because you just have to stay home to crush the curve and it’s only for a couple weeks and it’s gonna be fine. Yeah, sorry, so it’s not fine, it’s coming back. So could you please stay home again for a bit? Yeah I know it’s been long but it’s gonna be fine we are working on a vaccine and then we won’t have to stay at home and we’ll be fine. But in the meanwhile, could you stay at home a bit more, because this isn’t really working and a lot of people are getting ill, like how about you get home by 8? Right, see the vaccines are ready, it’ll all be fine in a couple more weeks. AND all the infections are putting us on the path to the magical 60% of herd immunity. No, sorry again, it isn’t fine, there’s a new variant now and it’s faster and more dangerous, so you know just wear a mask and stay home. Oh you still got it, well sorry. But you’re protected now, so it’s going to be fine. Sorry, no, you’re not actually, you can get it again, but it’ll be milder. Or will it? No sorry, it’s not even necessarily be milder. Right, vaccines are here, we are all done, it’s over, we know it was long, we’re sorry, but it’s over now, just get a reminder next year, you’re all fine. Wait a second though, there’s actually another new variant it’s eeeeeven faster and more dangerous, but you have a vaccine and herd immunity is building up from previous infections and vaccines, so it’ll be fine. No sorry, it’s not, you need 90+% vaccination rate for herd immunity. No, not 60%, who said 60%? No definitely not us. Well until we’re there you can still get it, but it’s fine, you won’t get in hospital. Well, maybe you will, in fact there’s still a chance that you still might, sorry. So could you get a reminder vaccine now? Yes, right now. Great, perfect, you’ll be just fine, you couldn’t possibly be more protected if you wore a condom over your head. Eeeek, sorry but no, actually, there’s another new variant, it’s sooooo much faster! But don’t worry that means it’s going to be milder and become endemic . No, sorry, it’s actually not. Yeah, sorry it also slips past vaccine protection. And past previous infection protection. Yeah, the condom is basically torn, sorry. But a fourth vaccine can protect you so it’ll be fine! And a new infection AFTER the vaccines, too. No, sorry, not before, it just doesn’t work that way. No, who said it does? No, not us. Yes of course you can still get it and become severely ill after 3 vaccines and a previous infection, who said you can’t? Just go and get your fourth vaccine and it’ll be fine. 

I always say I’m waiting for the docu series to uncover the insanity, but actually I’m looking forward to the West End comedy adaptation way more.I just can’t, I seriously can’t, every time my stomach loosens up for a week, nope, sorry! They just drag you back into the abyss of fear and anxiety and I’m so sick of it. And the rational educated adult in me knows that the media hysteria has a profit machine, but the emotional angsty worryworm still falls for it every damn time and curls up in bed to bite her nails , while the moralizing rebel in me wants to rage and kick anybody and everybody who wears a mask under their nose or writes headlines like “most deadly yet covid wave upon us” (how the fuck would you know?) and “covid cases rise again!” (Yes by 200 which is still a 60% drop since last week). Oh I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t. I’m so so so mad. 

Edited by RhaenysBee
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23 hours ago, dog-days said:

Re the vaccination certificate for measles. At least in UK working culture, no one would care. It would be a tick-boxy thing that about 50% of employees would drag their heels over interminably. Somewhere an admin person would have some memos on their Outlook calendar saying "nag persons A through Z about the cert" and that would be that. (BTW, at least from what I've observed  from first and second hand experience in UK higher education, everyone's late with the grading too. Except the old hand that's learned how to go through a paper in ten seconds flat, and that one paragon in her first year of teaching that does everything on time with two pages of commentary, and is probably just the beneficiary of a pact with Satan.) 

Thanks. Just came arrived back home after visiting that doctor's successor and having gotten pretty much all of my vaccinations till 1995 acknowledged. Unfortunately my second shot seems to have happened after my parents changed the doctor and now I'm ending up hoping that this at least buys me some time. The thing is that I've read that since the mandatory measles shot is a relatively new law introduced last year, schools have to notify of anyone with no proof starting 31.12.21. Therefore my panic.

12 hours ago, Tywin et al. said:

Why are you so hard on yourself? 

... well, I guess because there is truth to her accusations? At the end of the day I am nowhere as independent as I would like to be and it's quite telling how out of my depth I am in these matters of social rules that I have to get prodded like this by my mother...

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15 minutes ago, Toth said:

... well, I guess because there is truth to her accusations? At the end of the day I am nowhere as independent as I would like to be and it's quite telling how out of my depth I am in these matters of social rules that I have to get prodded like this by my mother...

That's still not a reason to have a George Bailey moment and say the world would be better if you simply didn't exist. 

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I am going to do the same as @dog-days here, knowing that I shouldn't. (See how easily we get stuck in our scripts?)

1 hour ago, Toth said:

... well, I guess because there is truth to her accusations? At the end of the day I am nowhere as independent as I would like to be and it's quite telling how out of my depth I am in these matters of social rules that I have to get prodded like this by my mother...

Bluntly: bollocks.

It is entirely clear your mother is working hard at destroying your self esteem and making you think that you could not cope on your own, so as to ensure that you remain tied tightly to her. (In justice to her, she may not be fully aware that this is what he is doing.)

Edited by A wilding
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On 12/19/2021 at 10:11 AM, Toth said:

 

Yo! Do you still play WarThunder every now and then? I believe you mentioned you tried that game a couple years ago.

Currently I'm a squad of uno.
 

I would love a wingperson.

(Seriously. I need back up)

Edited by A True Kaniggit
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On 12/20/2021 at 7:40 PM, Tywin et al. said:

That's still not a reason to have a George Bailey moment and say the world would be better if you simply didn't exist. 

It is when you draw purpose from how you can be a positive influence on other people's lives. I realized a long time ago that if I can't do something worth the trouble, I probably wouldn't be able to move forward at all. Life was that much of a struggle that just living for myself felt like masochism. Naturally if I feel ineffective and don't feel like I can make a difference at all, it does drag me down and I start questioning what the hell I'm even doing.

On 12/20/2021 at 9:03 PM, A wilding said:

and making you think that you could not cope on your own

Well, today I got into a situation completely unrelated to my mother that showed me once again how socially inept I am:

A colleague came hurriedly into the staff room during lesson hours making coffee, I was sitting there having a free period. She out of the blue asked me whether I'm going to visit my parents during Christmas. I... hesitated to answer for quite a few seconds before evasively saying "Not really." I then asked "Do you have a free period?" upon which she snapped "I'm not asked for my overtime hours either!" and went on a small rant about how it's not my place to be this judgemental. I was just... completely baffled and hurried to apologize that I was just confused about the hour and didn't want to keep her with small talk if she was needed elsewhere. After a few seconds of angry silence I ineptly tried to return the question, asking whether she is visiting her parents, but didn't know what to further say when she replied "Yes".

So... I guess it's a given that this colleague will never again attempt to have small talk with me. That's what I mean with my ineptness at social interaction. And this is not even the first time. I instantly felt reminded at my 'dating' attempts where I tried to keep in contact with a Bumble match. The one I asked to ask me gain on a Friday whether I succeeded in freeing up my weekend for a meetup, then she didn't and when I asked on Saturday what she's doing she said she went out on her own and seemed to immediately pick up on me being peeved out and accused me of "Judging her for being happy!". It seems I have a tendency to come across as judgemental/arrogant/don't know what now matter how much I try to be normal in conversations.

Or that time after my first internship at a school where I didn't really know what to say to my tutor when I left after my last day and then turned around writing a long mail with thanks because I realized far too late I must have looked dreadfully ungrateful (and got the reply that this is indeed something I need to be working on).

15 hours ago, A True Kaniggit said:

Yo! Do you still play WarThunder every now and then? I believe you mentioned you tried that game a couple years ago.

Uhm... now... that is a very random question here in this thread of all things... Yes, I did play it years ago, but naturally I also have stopped and uninstalled ages ago. Sorry. Also I'm still waiting for your Steins;Gate review! :P

Edited by Toth
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Caved and asked my boss for a 2 week extension on some work and he was like yeah that’s absolutely fine so moral of the story is seek help and be open before you get to mental breakdown stage hehehe???? no really I’ve not been doing too well lately whatsoever and I still don’t know if I’ll get this work done in time but I do feel relieved. 

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On 12/22/2021 at 12:05 PM, Toth said:

 

Uhm... now... that is a very random question here in this thread of all things... Yes, I did play it years ago, but naturally I also have stopped and uninstalled ages ago. Sorry. Also I'm still waiting for your Steins;Gate review! :P

Haha! I’m sure there was a reason behind my actions, even if it hasn’t been revealed yet :ph34r:.

 

And I never forgot about that review. As soon as I find the time to binge both the Subbed and Dubbed versions back to back. 

Edited by A True Kaniggit
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23 hours ago, Theda Baratheon said:

Caved and asked my boss for a 2 week extension on some work and he was like yeah that’s absolutely fine so moral of the story is seek help and be open before you get to mental breakdown stage hehehe???? no really I’ve not been doing too well lately whatsoever and I still don’t know if I’ll get this work done in time but I do feel relieved. 

You are a braver person than me.

I usually take weeks to build up to that sort of thing, even if I do it at all. 

Edited by A True Kaniggit
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On 12/23/2021 at 11:50 PM, A True Kaniggit said:

You are a braver person than me.

I usually take weeks to build up to that sort of thing, even if I do it at all. 

My biggest bugbear is when my staff tell me, just before a deadline that I could have pushed back if forewarned, that they are struggling to make the deadline. 

Normally I don't care when the work is done, just as long as its done by a date we both agree on. 

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