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Mental Wellbeing 2


Xray the Enforcer
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1 hour ago, BigFatCoward said:

My biggest bugbear is when my staff tell me, just before a deadline that I could have pushed back if forewarned, that they are struggling to make the deadline. 

Normally I don't care when the work is done, just as long as its done by a date we both agree on. 

Civilian life man. 

So many different rules.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Well, I’m certainly at a low point. 

2022 has been a bit difficult from the beginning, but at this point I’m barely standing, and when people half jokingly say I should see someone about this, they are perfectly right. 

Just the top of the list in no particular order that cripples me with anxiety: 
- my mum took a 3-night wellness trip - what if she got covid 
- while she was away I was at her house to dog-sit - what if I got it from her and I  get too sick to care for her and the dogs while she’s sick too, who will care for her and the dogs then  
- while I was there my sister visited too because she was too upset about a breakup - what if she got it too and she fails her exam next week
- meanwhile my father is going on various hunting trips - what if he gets covid 
- meanwhile my grandmother is ill with a cough that won’t go away - what if she doesn’t recover? 
- my father visited her on Monday - what if she has covid and he caught it? 
- it’s very cold and one of the dogs scratches at night to be let out - what if he gets ill and we all have covid and can’t take care of him? 
- two of the other dogs found a carcass today and proceeded to chew/lick it, what if they get ill and we all have covid and can’t take care of them? 
- a delivery man dropped my package at some hair salon I don’t know and I’m not even sure when I can pick it up, AND what if we all get covid and I have to go to my mum and embarrass myself at the unknown hairdresser by having her house my packing for who knows how long - I don’t even have a way to contact her
- what if my job is not satisfied with me because I don’t talk enough and I’m not social enough and I lose the job - what if my parents get covid so bad that I have to provide for my sister and I even lose my job
- sister’s kitchen counter is rotting out because it’s soaked, what if it breaks and the sink falls out and there’s pipe breakage or electric appliances are flooded or there’s a fire or electric shock hazard and anyway who, when, how and for how much is going to get that fixed - without getting covid from the repair people 
- what if someone in my family dies, or what if one of the dogs die (who how and when is going to get them cremated/buried if we have covid or without getting covid)
- basically, what if everything that can go wrong goes fatally wrong all at the same time and I’m all alone to fix it- how will I be able to solve all that

Don’t ask me why I feel that things will go fatally wrong all the time and don’t ask me why I think I’m the only person able and responsible to fix it. And don’t ask me why I can’t live with the fact that I have no control over the universe. 

I’m really not sure why I’m complaining because people have real problems and greater problems to actually figure out, while I’m just wasting away my life anticipating the worst case scenario that never really unfolds and the things I have to actually deal with and fix and really quite everyday and mundane. Why I can’t I enjoy the ride with all the ups and downs? Why must I be so obsessed with when a down is coming, how steep it’s going to be and how I will be able to get through it? 

I used to not mind problems and I used to know that I’m able to tackle most things just fine and if I’m not, I can ask for help. I used to be able to enjoy good days and not think about when bad days roll around again or why that good day may not actually be a good day. Why am I constantly looking for the impending doom? And sure I can blame the pandemic and the fearmongering it brought on, but at the end of the day, I’m the one that lets it incapacitate me.

Maybe I just need rest. Sometimes, when I’m alone and I’m not looking for covid symptoms in others or listening to their problems, I’m able to switch this off  and lean into the peacefulness of a moment. Maybe I need to be around people who are positive and cheerful and fun. And maybe I need to set serious boundaries for how much I’m involved in my family’s life. And maybe I need to reality check how much they actually need me - which I’m sure is not a quarter as much as I feel they do. And maybe I need to live and shape my own life instead of trying to control and bubblewrap theirs. 

And I’m so tired because stress makes you tired. And the holidays weren’t relaxing or particularly enjoyable, even though I’ve been looking forward to that two-week break for months. And now it feels like it never happened and I’m still months away from a break. If we get through this winter unscathed, I will book a ten day vacation somewhere and switch off my phone because I need a break and I need other people to deal with the real and imagined problems I obsess over. 

I’m sorry about this, I needed to get it out of my system. 

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I'm so sorry. I wish you were able to get away for a while to a country spot, a safe place where you can be alone, with just books, no media, and be able to just breathe, not think about students and others who will not mask in populated shared spaces. Or wait -- maybe I'm making this about me, not you.  :(  You maybe need something else entirely.  Ya this stuff gets to us all.  But I guess, somehow, we who are the lucky ones, will get through this.

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  • 1 month later...

Sigh, my mood is a bit of a rollercoaster these days. I feel socially starved and get ever more aware that my 29th birthday is coming closer and closer. I'm getting fucking old and I'm still the same broken person I was 10 fucking years ago after I survived school and had my mother move in at my place due to the nightmare divorce that set the rails for my life.

My main issue right now is that I'm getting very aware again about how inexperienced I am about social interactions. That the days just pass, faster and faster, and I'm not making any progress at all in making real life contacts, much less actual friends. In my last post here I mentioned that colleague who snapped at me for asking whether she has a free period. While I sometimes get along with her, I had two more similar instances where she felt accused by me asking how she is doing, reflecting my ineptitude at reading the room. At the same time I am very, very, very carefully trying to insert myself in conversations of the colleagues in my staff room, but it's damn hard and I am back again at the 'social ghost' feeling of my university days. I have rather extreme anxiety tip-toeing towards topics where I have something to say and taking myself back when I don't, This shit is hard. Especially because I have so little to say and when I'm making attempts to talk about things that interest me, I tend to only overwhelm and bore people and make them go away. And even when I find something that someone is interested in talking about, I completely overdo it as I latch onto that one topic and make myself look like I care about nothing else. The best example is when I learned that I can talk with one person about my gardening attempt and tried to talk about this again and again and again.

Unfortunately the other topics mostly revolve around sports, their kids, relationship stuff, travels, also somehow... boats and expensive wristwatches? Not quite sure why that is a conversation I came across recently. Anyway, so all stuff I have zero opinions on and cannot contribute anything. It's also notable that because of stuff like this I'm not even asked when the group of colleagues that formed around the absurdly extroverted new sports teacher is doing anything, reinforcing that I'm just the weird guy at the sidelines nobody wants to touch with a ten foot pole.

At the same time my few online contacts are busy with their own lives and have only sparse time for my bullshit and I am falling into the same trap with boring them with whatever strikes my fancy and feel that I desperately need to vomit it out to someone like the idiotic child that I still am. It would be laughable if it wasn't causing me to torpedo what little social interactions I still have. One of these contacts has missed an online meeting on Sunday and hasn't made any kind of contact since then, causing me to become quite worried, but I have no other means of contacting them and it's a harsh reminder that it would be so easy for my last contacts to just vanish out of my life like this.

I... am just, I have no idea how to do any of this...

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2 hours ago, Toth said:

Sigh, my mood is a bit of a rollercoaster these days. I feel socially starved and get ever more aware that my 29th birthday is coming closer and closer. I'm getting fucking old and I'm still the same broken person I was 10 fucking years ago after I survived school and had my mother move in at my place due to the nightmare divorce that set the rails for my life.

My main issue right now is that I'm getting very aware again about how inexperienced I am about social interactions. That the days just pass, faster and faster, and I'm not making any progress at all in making real life contacts, much less actual friends. In my last post here I mentioned that colleague who snapped at me for asking whether she has a free period. While I sometimes get along with her, I had two more similar instances where she felt accused by me asking how she is doing, reflecting my ineptitude at reading the room. At the same time I am very, very, very carefully trying to insert myself in conversations of the colleagues in my staff room, but it's damn hard and I am back again at the 'social ghost' feeling of my university days. I have rather extreme anxiety tip-toeing towards topics where I have something to say and taking myself back when I don't, This shit is hard. Especially because I have so little to say and when I'm making attempts to talk about things that interest me, I tend to only overwhelm and bore people and make them go away. And even when I find something that someone is interested in talking about, I completely overdo it as I latch onto that one topic and make myself look like I care about nothing else. The best example is when I learned that I can talk with one person about my gardening attempt and tried to talk about this again and again and again.

Unfortunately the other topics mostly revolve around sports, their kids, relationship stuff, travels, also somehow... boats and expensive wristwatches? Not quite sure why that is a conversation I came across recently. Anyway, so all stuff I have zero opinions on and cannot contribute anything. It's also notable that because of stuff like this I'm not even asked when the group of colleagues that formed around the absurdly extroverted new sports teacher is doing anything, reinforcing that I'm just the weird guy at the sidelines nobody wants to touch with a ten foot pole.

At the same time my few online contacts are busy with their own lives and have only sparse time for my bullshit and I am falling into the same trap with boring them with whatever strikes my fancy and feel that I desperately need to vomit it out to someone like the idiotic child that I still am. It would be laughable if it wasn't causing me to torpedo what little social interactions I still have. One of these contacts has missed an online meeting on Sunday and hasn't made any kind of contact since then, causing me to become quite worried, but I have no other means of contacting them and it's a harsh reminder that it would be so easy for my last contacts to just vanish out of my life like this.

I... am just, I have no idea how to do any of this...

I do see some improvement in that you are trying to interact with people. If it means anything I do look forward to hearing from you and I am hoping stuff in your life does improve. It is hard being shy and awkward but don't assume everyone else has an easier time than you are having. 

Stay strong.

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2 hours ago, Toth said:

At the same time I am very, very, very carefully trying to insert myself in conversations of the colleagues in my staff room, but it's damn hard

This. Keep doing this. Yes, it’s damn hard, but you’re doing it and that determination and practice by small steps is already an indicator that you’re doing something good for yourself. Keep going, you can do it. Keep talking to them, bring up new topics, or stick to weather, traffic and what’s for lunch. It’ll get less and less difficult, more and more comfortable. We believe in you! 

2 hours ago, Toth said:

it's a harsh reminder that it would be so easy for my last contacts to just vanish out of my life like this.

they won’t. There are thousands of potential reasons for friends’ going off grid, and purposefully ghosting you is probably the least likely of them. 
 

 

 

My rollercoaster has been the following: 

Work stress. Why am I expected to come to the office on [i]Friday[/i] for a meeting that has no goal or agenda when going to the office at all is entirely optional by the order of cxo. Fuck this team and the fake democracy we pretend to operate by. And fuck everybody who didn’t dare vote against coming in on Friday for a meeting that has no known goal or agenda. Fuck having to stay till 6pm and fuck trying to take away the tasks from that me give me any work satisfaction.

Oh wait. Russian troops marched into eastern Ukraine and we may have Europe/world wide war upon us within days. Well I suppose Friday office days and late meetings and meaningless corporate work won’t matter shit when we have gas lines shut off, food and petrol shortages, potential bombing and nato forces marching through. I suppose my priority should be being fucking grateful that my biggest problem is my meaningless job requiring me to do something meaningless on site on Friday rather than something meaningless at home. I should be grateful that I even have a job or a home, which I may not in a few months. 

After I spent an hour or two thinking about how meaningless everything in my little life is in the grand scheme of things and how none of what I ever did matters or makes a difference to things that matter, my sister came over. She went ballistic immediately but my mind was so distant that it took no effect, because I realized and knew that it wasn’t about me. It was about that insane amount stress, pain and grief that she’s been carrying for nearly two months. Really 2022 has been a constant flood of shit, even more so for her than for me, because many things affected me indirectly that hit her far more directly. She is understandably and naturally completely burnt out. And then I realized… Ukraine doesn’t matter to me. I’m so sorry about what’s happening in the world from the bottom of my heart, but it’s not what matters to me, what’s meaningful to me. What does and is, is the pain I see my loved ones in. The pain I would give anything to be able to ease for them even though I know there is little to nothing I can do. But whatever is going on in the world, this is what I care more about, the people in my little world.  
 

I guess a light hearted conclusion to draw is that I really dislike my job :lol: Well, I will go now and watch rage reviews about the Rings of Power trailer because for a change I want to fill my mind with something that doesn’t matter [i]at all[/i]. Because there’s only so much concern about big and heavy things one psyche can take. 

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21 hours ago, maarsen said:

I do see some improvement in that you are trying to interact with people. If it means anything I do look forward to hearing from you and I am hoping stuff in your life does improve. It is hard being shy and awkward but don't assume everyone else has an easier time than you are having. 

That's not really an improvement when I feel like I'm right back to where I was just a couple of years ago. It's like one step forward, two steps backward. And why shouldn't I assume that everyone else has an easier time? They clearly do, with new colleagues arriving and instantly making friends and having far more intimate conversations and plans for after school.

21 hours ago, RhaenysBee said:

Keep talking to them, bring up new topics, or stick to weather, traffic and what’s for lunch. It’ll get less and less difficult, more and more comfortable. We believe in you! 

Thanks a lot, I'll try! But the issue remains that I won't be able to go beyond surface level small talk. There is just so much about my living situation, my past, my interests that I have to maneuver around to avoid getting judged and shunned that it's seriously hampering my ability to engage in addition to my general cluelessness about stuff normal people experience.

Of course, the major issue here is also me being so ridiculously old while still looking and feeling like I do. Recently I more or less casually dropped my age when students asked me about late 90s stuff and they were shocked that I'm already that old (with one stating he had judged me 17 during our first lesson), same with a conversation on the schoolyard that I had today when students were shocked to see me without mask (and naturally saying I look better with it, a sentiment I share). The takeaway for my social interactions is: I'm also having severe trouble getting taken seriously. Case in point, last week I had that argument with a colleague of that sports group who somehow felt the need to take the position that the Euromaidan was a CIA plot, not because he had any facts or even looked up any of the 'evidence' posted by Russian think tanks that I had myself sifted through the night before, but simply because he in his "51 years of acquired wisdom has learned how the world works and nobody would ever protest against their government without getting hired. So sit down kid and get rid of your naivety and biased western media". I got seriously pissed not at his weird speculation, but his really arrogant paternalistic attitude that he displayed while brushing me off, without even wanting to listen to that I don't even watch regular news, but instead spent the last two nights fact-checking to present all the information available to us in digestible form, because I'm a fucking politics teacher and that's my job. And again, it's mostly because of how I am perceived as a little kid with no real world experience, who is still somehow incredibly old, too odd, too broken, too ugly, too obsessive about things, too self-centered, too blunt, too withdrawn to be someone you seriously want to have around.

 

@RhaenysBee Well, I guess it's just in human nature that we prioritize our worries according to what seems the most imminent threat. So naturally it's your work annoyance and your sister that takes center stage. Though I'd argue it doesn't come across like you truly dislike your job, you just don't like doing pointless busywork and would rather focus on getting things done. Nothing wrong with that. Also even though you are in a neighboring country, how serious is the risk of this conflict actually involving anyone other than Russia and Ukraine? Let me take that off your chest by saying Putin only does what he does because he knows NATO won't get directly involved and both sides have no interest in starting WW3. So I'm very sorry, you'll have to deal with your boring busywork for some more time before you can Mad Max style scrounge for supplies in a nuclear wasteland.

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25 minutes ago, Toth said:

Thanks a lot, I'll try! But the issue remains that I won't be able to go beyond surface level small talk. There is just so much about my living situation, my past, my interests that I have to maneuver around to avoid getting judged and shunned that it's seriously hampering my ability to engage in addition to my general cluelessness about stuff normal people experience.

The general rule of thumb is that people are far less concerned about you than you think, because, much like you or anybody else,  they are preoccupied with themselves. Their interests, their past, present and deeper layers that they feel insecure about. The same goes for “normal people”. You don’t actually know how “normal” they are. Also, you don’t need to go beyond surface level stuff. It’s a work environment, you guys won’t be discussing your childhood traumas and dark secrets over lunch. Weather, food, traffic, news, current events or something you heard other people discuss on public transport are good enough topics. Your goal, as I understand, is to practice engaging in social interaction and get comfortable around your coworkers. Not to make life-long bonds with them. Just keep up the chit-chat and don’t overthink it. You can do this! 

33 minutes ago, Toth said:

Well, I guess it's just in human nature that we prioritize our worries according to what seems the most imminent threat. So naturally it's your work annoyance and your sister that takes center stage. Though I'd argue it doesn't come across like you truly dislike your job, you just don't like doing pointless busywork and would rather focus on getting things done. Nothing wrong with that. Also even though you are in a neighboring country, how serious is the risk of this conflict actually involving anyone other than Russia and Ukraine? Let me take that off your chest by saying Putin only does what he does because he knows NATO won't get directly involved and both sides have no interest in starting WW3. So I'm very sorry, you'll have to deal with your boring busywork for some more time before you can Mad Max style scrounge for supplies in a nuclear wasteland.

Oh I do. I really do dislike this job. Or do I? I really absolutely do dislike the team. I suppose the job itself would be far more okay if I liked my immediate colleagues more. Of course I could make an effort to like them, because as individuals I’m sure they are fine, the problems start when you put them in a group together, and I myself come across as a rather difficult to like as well, I’m sure. Oh well, bless home office. 


:lol:  thank you! that was the best piece of encouragement and reassurance I could have hoped to find online or in real life. Do let this sense of humor shine in the staff room at your workplace as well, please! Your colleagues shouldn’t be deprived of the chuckles I had. 

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Well, my mother has added another element to her persecutory system. Recently she believes that someone is coming into the house and taking water from the water softener and putting it in the water gallons, milk gallons, and salad dressing.

She poured out the milk this morning and has now begun buying water in small bottles. 

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17 minutes ago, Larry of the Lake said:

Some kind of constant hallucinogenic therapy?

Nah, it's just TMS. Same thing that was done with the protogen scientists. Hopefully with a slightly different outcome. Or not!

Edited by Kalibuster
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On 2/22/2022 at 7:49 PM, HoodedCrow said:

I have a favorite book by Elaine Aron. She talks about highly sensitive people. I identify as that! It isn’t easy.

Oh I have read till the first half of it, also wondering if I fitted in the "label", and I am not quite sure. Anyhow, at least makes me understand people who feel this way, and I was surprised of learning so many things, bc it really goes deep for people who are highly sensitive. It isn't easy, you are right, for everything I read, I hope it helped you reading it. I recommend the book to anyone.

Turns out in the test I was in the frontier, identified with many things, with the notable exception of the sentiment of being overwhelmed by senses (noise, lights) but it also said there was a subgroup that could fit there, as in an spectrum. 

 

Edited by Meera of Tarth
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So glad that you tried it. There can be benefits such as, enhanced pitch perception and color. Also, not everyone is an extrovert, and it’ is okay.. They are more common. Downside, surround sound is not fun, bowling is not a sport that I enjoy, (but scuba was) and I gave up on rock concerts, mostly. People don’t process information the same way. Thanks for looking:)

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This is incredibly random and insignificant, but every time it comes up I’m triggered beyond self-recognition. 
One time several years ago I went to a homeopathic magic doctor who was recommended to me by my aunt and grandmother, who frequently visited him. He made me take some weird supplements for some time that did absolutely nothing for me, carried out some diagnostic examination that involved looking into my eyes with a device, yes, my eyes. Then he told me he was surprised I had no intestinal symptoms because he can see that I have an inflammation in my intestines. I remind you, he saw this in my eyes. Interestingly, he didn’t see in my eyes that I had chronic tonsillitis, which required a tonsillectomy, which was the root cause and solution of my bothersome symptom of hair loss that led me to this magic doctor in the first place. That’s fine, two other doctors misdiagnosed my tonsils too, mistakes happen. It did result in 7 years of gastrointestinal hypochondria, but that’s fine too, that’s my fault. 
what’s not fine, is that some weeks later I was talking to my aunt on the phone who told me that this magic doctor thinks my (then 10 year old) cousin and I are so alike because we are both such sensitive souls. This is something I regularly hear from my aunt and grandmother ever since. That doctor magic told so, you and your cousin are so alike, you are both such sensitive souls.  It’s been 7 years and the thorn of rage and betrayal still hasn’t left me and every time my poor blameless aunt or grandmother brings this up, I need every ounce of self-control not to explode on them. Who the F you think you are to discuss me, an adult, your patient, with anybody other than me? Where the F is doctor patient confidentiality? What the F else did you say to them about me? What the F gives you any F right to judge how sensitive I am? How do you Fing know me, did you see this in my Fing eyes? And I absolutely cannot tolerate being reminded of this because my aunt and grandmother think this is some sort of compliment for the both of us. There are few people who I dream of suing when I go to bed angry but this doctor is one of them. 
I’m not sure why I felt the need to pour all my anger, frustration and helplessness into this stupid, ancient story. 

Edited by RhaenysBee
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