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Mental Wellbeing 2


Xray the Enforcer
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No he didn’t mean it in a physical sense, sensitive as in physically fragile. It was said in a psychological sense, like awww they have such tender hearts that are so overly reactive to worry and stress, boohoo. And yes I am sensitive psychologically, but even if you assess that from a 10 minute meeting with me, you don’t get to discuss it with other people (whether they are related to me or not), because I’m a legal adult with rights to medical privacy and confidentiality. Never mind. It’s been 7 years. It doesn’t matter. Im just pouring all my rage and angst into this cherry picked “grievance”. 

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On 2/22/2022 at 7:26 PM, Toth said:

At the same time my few online contacts are busy with their own lives and have only sparse time for my bullshit and I am falling into the same trap with boring them with whatever strikes my fancy and feel that I desperately need to vomit it out to someone like the idiotic child that I still am. It would be laughable if it wasn't causing me to torpedo what little social interactions I still have. One of these contacts has missed an online meeting on Sunday and hasn't made any kind of contact since then, causing me to become quite worried, but I have no other means of contacting them and it's a harsh reminder that it would be so easy for my last contacts to just vanish out of my life like this.

I... am just, I have no idea how to do any of this...

Okay, I wanted to complain about this again, but saw that I pretty much already did. And yet... ugh... somehow things have turned out even worse, despite technically not doing that. So... this online contact told me quite bluntly yesterday that regularly meeting up once per week is too much and that she wanted to stop this altogether. And given how she's never online otherwise in the platforms I am using and I had no way of reaching her when she disappeared, I... kind of panicked thinking that's it, that she'll just forever disappear like everyone else I ever tried to keep in my life. So... I kind of spelled this worry out loud and asked whether she can add me at a platform where she's more regularly online (something she had already offered before, but I didn't feel like signing up to just another thing). She seemed to gladly do that, but afterwards I put my foot into my mouth again. I asked whether we should call it a day then, given how she seemed tired and not in the mood to chat or write, she said she didn't want to yet, so I instead of asking what she wanted to do instead, tried to chat a bit more about stuff that had been on my mind these days. Upon which she got angry that I again wasted two hours of her time with chatting and then she left to play videogames.

I guess I shouldn't take it so hard, and initially I didn't do either, but now when I look back, I am eerily reminded of how my 'first date' went last year, when I was being told "We can be friends, but never message me again, I don't stay so much in contact even with my close friends" after about three weeks of engaging every second day or so. There is an eerily similar phrasing in the reason for why it went sour. Or the other match who accused me of pressuring her when I asked how she is doing after a week of silence and then unmatched when I asked again two weeks later. Or heck, even much, much earlier during my Primary School time where I had the habit of vomiting all things I was currently obsessing about towards the few guys still willing to listen to me in the brief time windows where the guys who actively bullied me weren't around them, turning break time into an insane tightrope walk of bouncing between groups and retreating when certain kids came near. I think this might have been the starting point of where I completely derailed in my behavior and failed to learn how to be casual about things and not see windows of interactions as opportunities to ramble on endlessly about stuff nobody wants to hear. And right now I only have these two extremes: Rambling on endlessly to people I'm beginning to trust or saying nothing at all in order to avoid getting harshly judged for my poor communication skills and stupid nerdy interests.

I feel like I should give up trying to socialize. It's just far too late and I'm indeed far too broken. All I ever do is irritate people and turn them away.

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12 minutes ago, Toth said:

feel like I should give up trying to socialize. It's just far too late and I'm indeed far too broken. All I ever do is irritate people and turn them away.

Now is not the time to give up socializing. You will need people in the times to come and they will need you. 

12 minutes ago, Toth said:

And right now I only have these two extremes: Rambling on endlessly to people I'm beginning to trust or saying nothing at all in order to avoid getting harshly judged for my poor communication skills and stupid nerdy interests.

I still suggest relying on small talk because discussing the weather can’t and won’t get you judged harshly or otherwise. Also do keep in mind that everybody has their own thing that makes them react the ways they do, their own issues, desires, worries, hopes are the primary driving force of their behavior, not you. Sure, what you do and how you do it may play a part but it’s only one component of the many. If you could lift that pressure off your own shoulder, the belief that it’s all down to you, your behavior, your strengths and shortcomings, it may get easier. Besides, I’m sure there are other nerds with your family interests in the world, you just need to find them. Not that you asked for my unsolicited advice. Sorry if it’s an overstep. 

Edited by RhaenysBee
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35 minutes ago, RhaenysBee said:

I still suggest relying on small talk because discussing the weather can’t and won’t get you judged harshly or otherwise.

But what is smalltalk? I of course try to do it in real life, but it always feels like it's going absolutely nowhere and other people are having a much, much, much easier time to go straight to discussing interests. I just don't see how talking about the weather or what is going on at work has any effect on deepening relationships beyond the most superficial and that's where my impatience comes in and my frustration about how I only seem to exist to other people when I am currently in the same room as them and staring them directly into the face (and even there right now I feel very much excluded in the staff room at work, what with everyone forming a group around new extroverted sports teacher guy and doing activities together while explicitly never even asking me [not that I wouldn't probably get an anxiety attack and flee if they did]).

48 minutes ago, RhaenysBee said:

Also do keep in mind that everybody has their own thing that makes them react the ways they do, their own issues, desires, worries, hopes are the primary driving force of their behavior, not you. Sure, what you do and how you do it may play a part but it’s only one component of the many. If you could lift that pressure off your own shoulder, the belief that it’s all down to you, your behavior, your strengths and shortcomings, it may get easier.

Maybe, but even then this would only confirm my impression that I'm simply incompatible with each and everyone. And that I'm such a bother to keep around that nobody has the energy for it as everyone has their own issues to deal with at the same time. I know it's an incredibly selfish thing to ask, but... I think it boils down to how something inside of me desperately wants someone to treat me at some level of priority. Not that they drop everything in their life for my sake, but... on a priority scale of 0 to 10, a 2 would be nice. I spent my entire life going into every interaction knowing that I will be dropped the moment I turn into a minor inconvenience, that people will always forget arrangements and promises, never even care to apologize for it, then stab me in the back when it's more advantageous for them and just simply never care enough to involve me in anything they would ask other friends and acquaintances for. And frankly, I'm sick of it, it's exhausting and disheartening, even when I conditioned myself a long time ago to try and block out the disappointment and treat it as normal.

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4 hours ago, RhaenysBee said:

No he didn’t mean it in a physical sense, sensitive as in physically fragile. It was said in a psychological sense, like awww they have such tender hearts that are so overly reactive to worry and stress, boohoo. And yes I am sensitive psychologically, but even if you assess that from a 10 minute meeting with me, you don’t get to discuss it with other people (whether they are related to me or not), because I’m a legal adult with rights to medical privacy and confidentiality. Never mind. It’s been 7 years. It doesn’t matter. Im just pouring all my rage and angst into this cherry picked “grievance”. 

You have a right to be angry - I'd have been royally pissed off too. 

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@Toth Well I had assessed a few posts back that your goal was to get better and more comfortable at conversing with coworkers and just people in general. But now it sounds like you miss deeper interpersonal connections, which is obviously not going to be solved by weather chat. One thing that’s certain is that those kind of relationships can’t be rushed and you can’t build a roof without foundation and walls first. 


Yes, I understand that’s what you want and it’s not selfish at all. My understanding is that as long as you condition yourself to expect disappointment and see it as normal, nothing else but disappointment is going to happen. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy. Do you prioritize yourself? Do you respect yourself? Do you have affection for yourself? And do you voice your boundaries and needs to other people? 

Edited by RhaenysBee
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4 hours ago, RhaenysBee said:

@Toth Well I had assessed a few posts back that your goal was to get better and more comfortable at conversing with coworkers and just people in general. But now it sounds like you miss deeper interpersonal connections, which is obviously not going to be solved by weather chat. One thing that’s certain is that those kind of relationships can’t be rushed and you can’t build a roof without foundation and walls first.

Well, yeah, I get why it came across this way when I was ranting about my general sense of alienation. But smalltalk actually isn't really the issue, the real problem is me not knowing how to proceed from there without letting slip how weird I am. Or whether other people even regard me as anything other than that guy who just happens to sit in the same staff room.

4 hours ago, RhaenysBee said:

My understanding is that as long as you condition yourself to expect disappointment and see it as normal, nothing else but disappointment is going to happen. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy. Do you prioritize yourself? Do you respect yourself? Do you have affection for yourself? And do you voice your boundaries and needs to other people? 

Mmh... mhh... mmmh... probably have to say no to all of that. I do indeed hate almost all about myself and don't dare setting any 'boundaries' because that would just unnecessarily decrease my chances of being considered useful to others. Though I still occasionally have people snap at me for sounding judgemental when they forget about promises and try not to take it as seriously. And voicing needs, oh god no. If I learned anything, then that you'll get dropped instantly when you let slip that you have even the slightest amount of trouble. People just don't have the energy to keep up with that, they want perfect friends with no bullshit.

Anyway, thanks for responding to my nonsense. I guess I needed to get this out of my system before dusting myself off and heading back to work.

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@Toth I think it’s just a matter of finding the right people. Yes, everybody has pretty full plates and baggages, and it’s difficult to absorb more, but when you find someone with whom there’s balance and equality in how much you unload on them and take over from their shoulders, it does work. I think it’s also important to learn to take care of yourself and find the ways and methods that you can relieve yourself without relying on another person. (In healthy measure, per se, the goal is not to become like me and obsessively avoid needing other people) 

 

I am objectively the most useless civilian in the world. Or nearly. Yes I can buy bags of travel sized cosmetics, but that’s the extent of my usefulness. Life had prepared and trained me to become what you could mock as “intellectual” (aka corporate slave), that is and has been the commonly valued and expected career path for my demographic, and so I became that, a useless office slump.  My level of incompetence in things that actually benefit others, myself and society is shameful. I fill out all these charity organization sheets that want to know how you can actually make yourself useful to them, and I have nothing. I can’t drive a lorry, I can’t do basic nursing and first aid, I can’t speak Ukrainian or Russian (more than ten sentences anyway), I can’t play a small instrument to entertain children (I even suck at piano). I can speak English and slow, grammatically incorrect German and I can pack things, that’s the extent of my abilities. I can also generate rivers, seas and oceans of corporate bullshit and the fact that that’s my prime skill is both depressing and shameful. I suppose life skills were not a priority when I grew up because all life skills one needs are substituted with machines and systems and we kinda forgot about them like the Iron fleet. 

And then people go on about how we need more digital skills in education. No, we don’t need more digital skills, we need life skills. I don’t know if I should do a language course or a nurse training or a survivor skill training or something, anything that gives me a skill or knowledge that’s actually useful in life (because workplace self marketing, agile values and assertiveness are the last F-ing things anybody should get better at). I will probably enlist someone’s advice on this (as much as I hate to waste people’s time like that) and do something about it, because it drives me insane. Maybe what I need is a drastic career change altogether. Maybe I need to stop wasting my life on the completely redundant field I work in and do something that’s just a little bit helpful. I’m such a complete waste of all the opportunities I had and have in my life. 

Edited by RhaenysBee
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  • 2 weeks later...

I went to a Forbes conference today which had an insanely positive effect on me. It energized me, it forced me to be among people and socialize, it exposed me to opinions I tend to separate myself from and thus reinforced the idea that we aren’t labels and boxes and listening to the other side with an open mind is necessary, valuable, beneficial and healthy. And it reminded me that stepping out of one’s comfort zone, cognitively and physically, is soooooooo good for mental health. 

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On 3/23/2022 at 11:21 PM, KingintheNorth4 said:

Looks like the grocery store I applied to rejected my application. I'm not discouraged though, it's just back to the drawing board.

Good luck, KingintheNorth. I spent a lot of summer 2021 writing job applications - the process is tough, but keeping going is all you can do. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Huh. No one has posted here yet this month. Guess I’ll do a PSA. 
 

Have you ever heard the phrase, “If you suspect something say something”? 
 

If you are afraid someone might commit suicide, you should ask them about it. 
 

It may be an uncomfortable conversation for you, but you could prevent a tragedy.  
 

What is a little possible embarrassment compared to that?

Edited by A True Kaniggit
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I wonder if this is recognizable to to any of you, pattern or otherwise:

My 12yo has been describing maybe anxiety related issues starting three weeks ago. I won't say culminated, but on Monday night it got a little hairy. Something triggered her [our neighbors smoking pot when she took our dog out to the side of the house] and she got stuck for the first few minutes in a highly irrational state. Very upset, and convinced that a couple sniffs of distant weed had made her stoned. She didn't like how hard her heart was pounding, was extremely upset, crying profusely, initially hyperventilating. It cranked up so fast both her sister and I went from feeling 12yo was joking to boom. 

Never before, in the 12 years of my experience of her, have I seen this behavior before so I'm concerned.

Started 3 weeks ago, increasing in frequency, escalating. I wrote an email to fill in her teachers, asking them to contact me if they observe this or anything similar.  

Would you wait for feedback like I have, or should I consider next steps sooner than that?  

 

Edited by JGP
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4 hours ago, A True Kaniggit said:

Huh. No one has posted here yet this month. Guess I’ll do a PSA. 
 

Have you ever heard the phrase, “If you suspect something say something”? 
 

If you are afraid someone might commit suicide, you should ask them about it. 
 

It may be an uncomfortable conversation for you, but you could prevent a tragedy.  
 

What is a little possible embarrassment compared to that?

This reminds of a time a very young radiologist insisted on asking me textbook ED screening questions while doing a sonogram. It was a ridiculously experience for me and probably a terribly cringy one for him and I only vaguely categorized the notion as “this is something he was taught to do at med school last year so he’s doing it because it’s his duty”. But your post made me realize that he was also doing it because it was the right thing and he went through with it even though it was uncomfortable. Sorry, in retrospect, to the radiologist who just wanted to make sure I was okay. 

3 hours ago, JGP said:

Would you wait for feedback like I have, or should I consider next steps sooner than that?  

I wish I could say I remember being a 12 year old girl but no… not really. Generally, I would say, don’t panic and rush into next steps, wait for that feedback and most importantly, ask her open questions and listen to her. Do seek expert opinion when you feel you are out of ideas, tools. Hope things are going to take a positive turn. 

Edited by RhaenysBee
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