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Mental Wellbeing 2


Xray the Enforcer
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Just saying that I admire the way you're pushing at your comfort zone with improv theatre and cons, and - with the D&D group - sometimes having bad days, recognising that, but not giving up on it. Chapeau.*

* Sorry if this sets off your anti-praise instincts. I have those too. They're really annoying. Part of my personality would like to bask in compliments, but the inner-bully/critic won't let me. I can only assure you that I'm being sincere. 

Edited by dog-days
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19 hours ago, maarsen said:

Toth, as a fellow sufferer of anxiety, I understand what you are going through. Personally I think you did a great job of getting out and trying to deal with social situations. It is hard doing what you do. It does get easier as you do more.  You are making progress, even if you don't see it yourself. Sometimes you just have to be blunt and tell people that you are extremely shy and things can be hard to do.

Stay strong buddy.

Thanks. I'm trying.

12 hours ago, dog-days said:

Just saying that I admire the way you're pushing at your comfort zone with improv theatre and cons, and - with the D&D group - sometimes having bad days, recognising that, but not giving up on it. Chapeau.*

I should note it's Dead by Daylight, not Dungeons and Dragons. So no casual adventuring, but more getting horrifically murdered by Slasher Villains with thousands of hours of playtime. Actually pen & paper is also of my list on things I really would love to try out one day, but for that I guess I need to know people who are both interested and have time.

12 hours ago, dog-days said:

* Sorry if this sets off your anti-praise instincts. I have those too. They're really annoying. Part of my personality would like to bask in compliments, but the inner-bully/critic won't let me. I can only assure you that I'm being sincere. 

Oddly enough, they weren't triggered by you and maarsen. I guess it helps that it was about something that I was actually going out of my way to do (even with all the failures). I suppose it only triggers when the praise feels undeserved because it's either about something I know I didn't do well at all or something I regard as it should be taken for granted (for example when... well, doing my job, where I also tend to instantly deflect compliments about stuff I had to do whether I wanted to or not).

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  • 2 weeks later...

I think that there are going to be more periods of joy and just joy and not overjoy and definitely not terrible quaking sadness anymore. I am 30 and crying from the joy of the message of We Are Young ft. Janelle Monae by fun. and like Otherside by Beyonce. I'm weeping tears of joy because I have found the beauty in life. The beauty in life knows how to treat someone who spent many years close to tears because of fears. But anyway, I quit smoking last year and the withdrawal from nicotine was rather up and down. I was more moody than I remember being much of my life. The beauty that life has shown up to say that I am wanted in so many other places with open arms. I'm perfectly alright with how this happened to be because I think my outlook on life may only become more and more optimistic and so many other qualities of life I think about are going to come to fruition because I decided to stop in my tracks.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Well, I would elude that I am on top of the the world again but I wanted to change.

 

I believe that I need to say this one too:

 

I find music to be very relevant to my mental state. I'm trying to just mingle and mind my own business most of the time. So I am really so okay I need to be brave to share my good mood. My parents would probably enjoy as all hell some input from me about how good they are at taking care of me. I started off in my parents house a total troubled soul and now I feel simple and uncomplicated. I think I am ready to move forward, so I need to be brave enough to begin this next stage of my life. I am so glad I am alive. I'm being thankful but it isn't exactly getting to them as much as it should. I guess I have to be open enough to show my cards to the table. This is a truly blessed life I've had for the past 12 years.

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I feel like this year has been a 48 week loop of going through a meat grinder, being spat out and going through again and being spat out again.  Especially the past two months. Which is truly annoying because I really like this time of the year and it was nearly a complete waste. 

If anything is even more annoying that would be the fact that most of my problems don’t exist in the physical world, they are human (brain and behavior) made, aka very much controllable, corrigible and avoidable. If anything I should count my lucky stars and be grateful that the problems that gut me and grind me and trample me into the ground and then driver over me with a tow truck aren’t even real and thank the heavens that I don’t (yet) have physical tangible problems. My life is, all things considered, easy, comfortable, safe and by all rationality I should have no damn reason to not enjoy it. 

Although I’m kinda sure I will because my frail little body can’t bear this to the infinite and one of these days it’ll develop a stroke or a cancer or whatnot which is another intangible and nonexistent problem that’s slowly destroying me.

At this point I’m so overwhelmed and I can’t even come up with any sensible ideas of how to drag myself out of this because clearly waiting for it to blow over is just not happening, there’s always something and the long term viable solution is for me to learn to correct my perception of things, learn to handle them in a healthy manner. I should probably find a CBT therapist or something because I feel like I’m too lost of a cause for autogenic training (which I’m doing now). And this is probably the last call because if I keep dragging this out it will eat up my entire adult life and actually end up causing me physical problems because I’m not getting younger, as my birthday looming at the end of this week keeps reminding me. 

Boo. Way to be a downer.

Have a great week, eat healthy food, move your body, breathe some fresh air, read classical literature, chat to strangers and smile at dogs and babies on the street. 

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  • 3 weeks later...

I've finally accepted after some time spiralling, dragging myself up and pretending I was fine again that I've been using certain things - self-destructive things, like mixing alcohol, prescription drugs, etc. - as a crutch. I've been in a bad place for a while but this crutch predates that. Even when the relationship was going well I was using this crutch, always afraid things would implode, or more likely that I would self sabotage them. It was...hard, to admit this to myself, and I think I'm just typing this out so I have record to look back on, where I can see I recognised what I was doing. Hopefully, some time from now when I do read it back, I will be in a better place.

I've been placed in long term sick leave, I'm trying my hardest to engage with therapy again. Its a shitty end to the year really but these things are necessary. I just wish it didn't feel so hard, all the damn time. I'm exhausted, physically and mentally, by this cycle. More than half my life its been rotating, fleeting moments of happiness and clarity before being ground down by the relentlessness of my own mind and thought process. I try so hard but I'm just..tired

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I'm so happy and proud of myself. I found out yesterday that I passed my Math 127 class. I was doing well through the semester until I failed my last two unit tests, so going into Finals week, it was do or die for me. I'm just about two-thirds of the way to earning enough credits to get my associates degree in liberal arts. I'm one step closer to achieving one of my goals. 

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I'm doing well. I believe I am being more mentally healthy than I have been in about 10 years. My sister said that I would like my 30's and I have thanked God that I have turned thirty because it seems to me like I'm truly content and happy. Quitting cigarettes, vaping, 420, and alcohol was the most brilliant thing I ever did. I have life and vigor in me and I wanted those things when I was in college and it's taken 10 years to get there. I'm happy and that is all that matters to me.

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9 hours ago, TheLastWolf said:

Not for the education thread but the degree I chose myself is screwing me over, any coping mechanism apart from my other passions and throwing myself into books?

Just speaking from my own experience, I've generally found it better to work in fields that I'm indifferent/lukewarm towards and leave my enthusiasms for my spare time. If I got a job doing a hobby, then I'd lose a hobby. But that comes from my particular neurotic/perfectionist attitude to things. 

In what way do you feel your degree is screwing you over? Is it not offering what you want? Is it that you've hit something similar to the stage that PhD candidates report when they decide that their work is all rubbish and they never want to read anything about their specialism ever again, before eventually emerging into the (relatively) sunlit uplands of completion and viva?

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51 minutes ago, Zorral said:

Reminding yourself that school doesn't last forever, and thus this too shall pass? /cdn-cgi/mirage/0feaa7b1633bde4ef44106eca5f58a93de4bfe15a5466aecc969885770e179e8/1280/https://asoiaf.westeros.org/uploads/emoticons/default_cheers.gif

Fingers crossed

1 minute ago, dog-days said:

In what way do you feel your degree is screwing you over? Is it not offering what you want? Is it that you've hit something similar to the stage that PhD candidates report when they decide that their work is all rubbish and they never want to read anything about their specialism ever again, before eventually emerging into the (relatively) sunlit uplands of completion and viva?

Well they're trying to finish 6 months worth stuff in half the time thanks to covid delayed chain reaction. Now I could manage if it wasnt for the fact that I underwent a tumultuous last 2 years with academics on the back burner.

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6 minutes ago, TheLastWolf said:

Fingers crossed

Well they're trying to finish 6 months worth stuff in half the time thanks to covid delayed chain reaction. Now I could manage if it wasnt for the fact that I underwent a tumultuous last 2 years with academics on the back burner.

In that case, Zorral's advice to grit your teeth and soldier through is solid. Also occasionally take a moment to pat yourself on the back for putting up with it and remind yourself that it's not your fault things are fucked up. 

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  • 4 weeks later...

Finally starting to make major headway on my families financial issues, and the baby sister is pregnant again. 
 

Dammit. 
 

Spoiler

Though sometime around July I’ll have a brand new niece or nephew. Yay!

 

Edited by A True Kaniggit
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