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Xray the Enforcer

Mental Wellbeing 2

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First of all: I felt significantly better yesterday evening after I managed to work through most of my backlog and it looked like I actually accomplished to have some more breathing room. I still had to spent most of today from 7 o'clock onwards at the PC correcting returns and writing mails with only two breaks for breakfast and dinner, but it was somehow enough to get my mind out of the drain. Only my neck pain and slight headache are an annoyance. But I even managed to somewhat brush off an argument I just had with three students once again crying foul and complaining about my workload. Okay... fine, I probably overstepped my bounds a little by letting it slip that hearing that about today's task with this class is utter bullshit. It used to be a jigsaw task that I initially created for a 10th grade class, but I stripped it down to them just doing the task of each topic group one week at a time. Which is a huge time waste, I admit, but at the beginning of the current lockdown I already offered them a cooperative assignment where everyone got a different task and they had to bring it together in a shared document online, but that was an utter disaster because only four students did anything at all of which only 3 returns were usable, so all the following tasks building upon their gatherings fell flat hard and forced me to abandon all attempts at cooperative learning methods online. Long story short: Today they had to do a task a 10th grade class managed in 20 minutes and this 13th grade is harping on me that it's impossible for them to do the same in the 90 minutes they would have had for today's lesson. For real? And yes, among that was once again the demand for a videoconference instead.

1 hour ago, Buckwheat said:

I understand your students would probably do better if you organised some videoconferences though. It is somewhat uncomfortable at first, because it feels like you are inviting your work into your bedroom, but one gets used to it.

Like I said, that's something I cannot do psychologically, if not practically. My mother knows no boundaries and her presence makes me nervous as hell even when I'm not facing my students. In the shit-hole village I grew up in I was already mocked in the streets for being a 'mother's boy' back when I was in high school, I can't even imagine how my students let loose if they find out about my circumstances. The possibility alone wrecks me.

Right now my lessons are done in the way that they get the materials with both a written introduction of me monologuing the point of today's lessons, the materials and a couple of tasks while at the same time offering to discuss questions in a chatroom in our school network. Yes, it's dull, but every attempt of mine to do something cooperative so far only ended in utter failure because of the lack of response.

1 hour ago, Buckwheat said:

(Your school probably has some guidelines about how to deal with online schooling, right? Are there rules about how often you have to do videoconference lessons? You probably don't want to get in trouble with your boss for not interacting with students. But in any case, they should also provide some training for that.)

Lol, there are no guidelines and no expectations, much less any training. I guess I could get lessons this way going if I wanted to, but once again, my reasons for not doing them are purely psychological.

1 hour ago, Buckwheat said:

Download the app Tiny Scanner on your phone if you can. It is much easier than these big chunky scanners and works just fine. ;) 

Thanks, I will look into it later on.

1 hour ago, Buckwheat said:

And I am sure you have achieved a lot in your 28 years! You have a stable, full time job. You are probably saving money now that you are living with your mother, so you will be able to move out soon after the pandemic restrictions are lifted. These are positive things that you can concentrate on.

Eh... but those are accomplishments I bought by sacrificing virtually everything else. I started out as a bullied pariah who was otherwise mentally fine to a guy with severe social anxiety who spends the whole day at the computer even though the external factors ceased to be and I should have been able to fix myself thrice over.

1 hour ago, Buckwheat said:

Wait, what? Are you supposed to just ... stay in till the rest of your life, or how would that "no going out" work?

That was pretty much my reaction, but it's a common theme. I already complained here before about similar incidents about me wanting to do jogging and one summer trying to go swimming at a lake. My mother is deathly afraid that I'm "overdoing it" when I have such fancies and tries to discourage me with the devastating effect that I usually drag out such decisions for days or weeks until I decide to sneak or force myself out to avoid her comments. She really just would prefer to wrap me in cotton and never let me go out.

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1 hour ago, Toth said:

It used to be a jigsaw task that I initially created for a 10th grade class, but I stripped it down to them just doing the task of each topic group one week at a time. Which is a huge time waste, I admit, but at the beginning of the current lockdown I already offered them a cooperative assignment where everyone got a different task and they had to bring it together in a shared document online, but that was an utter disaster because only four students did anything at all of which only 3 returns were usable, so all the following tasks building upon their gatherings fell flat hard and forced me to abandon all attempts at cooperative learning methods online. Long story short: Today they had to do a task a 10th grade class managed in 20 minutes and this 13th grade is harping on me that it's impossible for them to do the same in the 90 minutes they would have had for today's lesson. For real? And yes, among that was once again the demand for a videoconference instead.

Congratulations on getting some work done!

Again, don't measure your own success by your students' learning accomplishments, especially when you see how different achievments different groups of students show. I have almost the same situation where my 1st years (that might be like 10th grade in the German system) understand German better, try harder and are more cooperative than my 3rd years (like 12th in Germany). The teacher is the same, what is different are the students, and if this is only one group of them as opposed to all the rest of the students you teach, it is not your teaching that is the problem, it is them.

1 hour ago, Toth said:

Like I said, that's something I cannot do psychologically, if not practically. My mother knows no boundaries and her presence makes me nervous as hell even when I'm not facing my students. In the shit-hole village I grew up in I was already mocked in the streets for being a 'mother's boy' back when I was in high school, I can't even imagine how my students let loose if they find out about my circumstances. The possibility alone wrecks me.

Not sure about the psychological part - it sounds like it might be best if you try to find a professional to talk to about your problems?

Just about the practical part - you might work from one of the empty classrooms or an office in school, right? It really helps to distance oneself from family members, this is very important, and being in your workplace environment (even without the students being actually there) can help a lot with concentrating on work, feeling like a professional and stopping procrastination.

1 hour ago, Toth said:

Right now my lessons are done in the way that they get the materials with both a written introduction of me monologuing the point of today's lessons, the materials and a couple of tasks while at the same time offering to discuss questions in a chatroom in our school network. Yes, it's dull, but every attempt of mine to do something cooperative so far only ended in utter failure because of the lack of response.

Lol, there are no guidelines and no expectations, much less any training. I guess I could get lessons this way going if I wanted to, but once again, my reasons for not doing them are purely psychological.

Uh, yeah, I am sorry your workplace is shit, really.

I hope that your methods work out fine and the students get it somehow. And of course, that the circumstances allow a return to actual classrooms very soon. It is hard for the students too.

1 hour ago, Toth said:

Eh... but those are accomplishments I bought by sacrificing virtually everything else. I started out as a bullied pariah who was otherwise mentally fine to a guy with severe social anxiety who spends the whole day at the computer even though the external factors ceased to be and I should have been able to fix myself thrice over.

That was pretty much my reaction, but it's a common theme. I already complained here before about similar incidents about me wanting to do jogging and one summer trying to go swimming at a lake. My mother is deathly afraid that I'm "overdoing it" when I have such fancies and tries to discourage me with the devastating effect that I usually drag out such decisions for days or weeks until I decide to sneak or force myself out to avoid her comments. She really just would prefer to wrap me in cotton and never let me go out.

You are putting wholly unrealistic expectations on yourself and comparing yourself with some ideal person who has it all figured out is not productive. Tell yourself that you have achieved something, a lot actually, and that you are taking small steps in accomplishing more.

I hope you find somebody to talk to about your problems more in depth in person, so you can manage your anxiety better. Good luck with everything. :) And of course, try to change your living situation (by which I mean move out of your mother's flat) as soon as the covid circumstances allow it.

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I’m so thankful that I was able to get my home gym set up because I’m fairly sure it’s the only thing keeping me sane right now. Well, that and writing (I might actually end up turning my journal entries into either fiction or a memoir - I already have an idea for a killer horror short story based on what I’m writing now; might as well get some kind of reward for mucking around in all this shit).

Trigger warning for child abuse shit below...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...so I’ve been starting to “recover” some memories. Nothing terrible, but all of them keep pointing in the same direction. During my session today, I kind of came to a realization that there have probably been pictures of me being abused that have been circulating for the past 35+ years. That then led to what my therapist called a “body memory” (?) of my wrists being bound. I can’t tell if that sounds like as much bullshit to other people as it sounds like to me, but she swears it’s a real phenomenon. 

Then that led to some uncomfortable realizations about how seamlessly I had filtered out so much information related to that over the years (like the fact that I went to college for two years right across the street from the faculty housing in which I had been abused and never remembered the whole time I was there that I had ever even been to that faculty housing complex, much less that anything had happened to me there. If this guy had never been busted for kiddie porn, I likely would still have all that blanked out to this day.

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Why do I feel personal responsibility to solve each and every one of sister’s problems (most of which came about entirely out of her own carelessness)? 
Why do I internalize her stress? 
Why do I feel the responsibility to manage her stress and feelings and physical well-being? 
Why do I feel the responsibility to make her life perfectly comfortable, perfectly stress-free and overall as perfect as can be, while simultaneously I expect her to be content with imperfection? 
why do I feel any kind of responsibility for her at all? She is neither a child, nor my child. 

This frustrates me to no end because I am simultaneously mad that my entire life revolves around hers and there’s no room in it for mine. 

And, how do I get out of this devil’s circle? Wait for her to move out so the physical separation detaches me from her? Will that ever happen? If not, what do I do? 

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I’ve got to say 2021 hasn’t really showed anything for itself so far. Let’s hope I don’t get kicked out of my job this week just when I would be starting to work for livelihood  rather than out of social obligation. 

I will also go to the bank and set up a savings account for sister’s tuition fee. If I put a quarter of my monthly earnings there too and my mother chips in, we can support her without drastic lifestyle cuts or discomfort on anybody’s part. 

If I do get kicked out of my job... well that sucks but it’s still not the end of the world. I don’t know why I’m so concerned about getting kicked out of my job. I don’t really have any rational reason to assume this would happen. But it kinda got important that I have a job, and reliable income and social security and all that. 

Of course all of this would be much easier if I had a stable relationship and someone to share this burden with, emotionally and financially both. But I don’t. And with the current situation I probably won’t for some time either. I suppose I was always fated to have sister as my “child”, and in a sense she is. I feel responsible for her, I will go above and beyond to ensure her welfare and it’s her who drives me nuts and gives me wrinkles. So it makes sense that she’d be the only “child” I ever have, even though, up until about a year ago, I had always thought I would one day have a child of my own. But I guess I like dogs too and I would make a shit mother anyway, so the world is only better off for it. 

If you think I can’t go darker with this, I can.

But I won’t because I feel oddly self conscious and embarrassed to share more of these sweet, flowery thoughts. 

At the same time, it’s somehow therapeutic to let one’s feelings loose and just experience the shock, the fear, the despair and the sadness of the turn of events that triggered these musings, and let it flow through me. And I’ve got to say there’s some progress. I’m handling it better than I did last summer. I’m more in control of my feelings and I have an idea of what narrative to build in my mind in order to keep faith and stay in control. 

And now I spent my night me-time on emotional incontinence, when I could have read my book or watched something dumb. Typical. 

 

 

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I'm starting to come to grips with the fact that my life is actually amazing. Not that way did I think ever in the past. My life is coming around to some movie-ish awakening that I got it all except a boyfriend. But who needs to fixate on that anymore? Not me at all. I do feel hurt by humankind that not a one person ever did me a favor and ask me on a date. But it's not exactly worth it when another perspective comes along. I'm on a right path for me because I just couldn't feel luckier. Great doctor, great parents who allow me to live with them, and a great background and history.

What did I see upon looking back? Some pitiful excuses to throw a fit and get away with it. I am completely aware that my life rocks again. It's safe and sound, and like a waterfall flowing to a river. 

If I hold myself back more, then I will be lost. 

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On 1/25/2021 at 10:06 PM, RhaenysBee said:

Of course all of this would be much easier if I had a stable relationship and someone to share this burden with, emotionally and financially both. But I don’t. And with the current situation I probably won’t for some time either. I suppose I was always fated to have sister as my “child”, and in a sense she is. I feel responsible for her, I will go above and beyond to ensure her welfare and it’s her who drives me nuts and gives me wrinkles. So it makes sense that she’d be the only “child” I ever have, even though, up until about a year ago, I had always thought I would one day have a child of my own. But I guess I like dogs too and I would make a shit mother anyway, so the world is only better off for it. 

Hey! What do you think you are doing there? Feeling restricted in establishing relationships because you have to take care of a family member who drags you down is my thing! I have copyright on that, so don't you dare allow that to happen to you! :P

In related news: What the hell is going on with today? I've got a week of holiday, so I'm trying to get through my backlog of work mails I dragged out replying to. Of course my work week ended on a horribly low note with one class boycotting my lesson because I wasn't doing video conferences and they convinced themselves that I'm not doing my job when I only use the group chat. I made the mistake of voicing my frustration about this to my mother who... of course just as confused about my refusal to do video conferences from home with her in the background mocked me and promised to crash any video conferences if I ever did one because I needed to 'toughen up' and that she's convinced that my students won't mind because they have family as well. I felt eerily reminded of back during my own school time when random strangers I never met mocked me in the street as a mother's boy and she got angry at me for letting that get to me and refused to talk with me for a week when I brought it up. She seems adamantly refusing to believe that people do in fact raise their eyebrows about me still living with her.

Anyway. For the last 12 hours I have been sitting at the computer trying desperately to draw up a curriculum for four semesters that I was drafted into, but actually wanted to do a month ago. Unfortunately my mind is set on fucking me over, so I'm feeling horribly unfocused and get nothing done whatsoever. As of yet I haven't managed to write a single sentence. I wanted to use an old curriculum I wrote during teacher training as a guide, but couldn't find it anywhere on any storage device I have despite having been utterly convinced that I saved it somewhere. Apparently I accidentally erased it when changing schools and clearing out my "school administration" folder.

Of course at the breakfast table my mother got into a rant that I'm as fucked in the head as my father and need to get therapy because I wasn't talking to her, which in turn wasn't really beneficial to my state of mind either. In fact I am having my usual anxiety attacks whenever my mother comes in to talk with the cat every five minutes. I'm also still struggling with tenosynovitis and aches in back and neck. I initially wanted to have this fucking curriculum done this morning and then focus the rest of the day on working out, but as usual I haven't managed to do either.

Edited by Toth

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2 hours ago, Toth said:

Hey! What do you think you are doing there? Feeling restricted in establishing relationships because you have to take care of a family member who drags you down is my thing! I have copyright on that, so don't you dare allow that to happen to you! :P

Ummmm. I ain’t paying you no royalties. So I beg to differ. 

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14 hours ago, Toth said:

Hey! What do you think you are doing there? Feeling restricted in establishing relationships because you have to take care of a family member who drags you down is my thing! I have copyright on that, so don't you dare allow that to happen to you! :P

:lol: :lol: I do apologize for stepping into your territory. And I have every intention of not letting that happen to me, there are just times when the task feels a bit hopeless to accomplish. 

14 hours ago, Toth said:

Of course my work week ended on a horribly low note with one class boycotting my lesson because I wasn't doing video conferences and they convinced themselves that I'm not doing my job when I only use the group chat.

that’s awful, childish and pathetic. I hope there’s going to be consequences for them, such as an unexcused lesson at least. Who do they think they are to judge your teaching methods and in that manner? 

14 hours ago, Toth said:

my mother who... of course just as confused about my refusal to do video conferences from home with her in the background mocked me and promised to crash any video conferences if I ever did one because I needed to 'toughen up' and that she's convinced that my students won't mind because they have family as well.

I think you can set a virtual background in any online platform or blur out your background. If you use a headset, nobody will ever know your mother’s there, even if she started step dancing. (Well you’d know and it’d still annoy you, but try putting this idea to your mother, who likely won’t have a clue and perhaps back off a little? - I feel that I’m in a belligerent mood today) 

14 hours ago, Toth said:

She seems adamantly refusing to believe that people do in fact raise their eyebrows about me still living with her.

I’ve been under the impression that it’s her living with you, not the other way around. That’s a significant difference both for her and for the rest of the world to know. And for you as well, obviously.

14 hours ago, Toth said:

As of yet I haven't managed to write a single sentence. I wanted to use an old curriculum I wrote during teacher training as a guide, but couldn't find it anywhere on any storage device I have despite having been utterly convinced that I saved it somewhere.

Ah damn, that’s frustrating! I’m sorry. Try using a random google search curriculum as a guide to set you up. You’ll likely only keep “and”s and “the”s but the placebo affect of not starting from scratch usually works for me. 

14 hours ago, Toth said:

Of course at the breakfast table my mother got into a rant that I'm as fucked in the head as my father and need to get therapy

Forgive me for being intrusive, I have no intention of offending your mother, I’m sure she’s got her own baggage like everybody. However, as an outside POV, at this point I’d enquire if she thought that had to with both you and your father living with her. And I would have breakfast separately and make sure to take walks away from her daily. 

the situation still sucks, and you have my sympathy. Hope you find a way to balance and manage it and soon. 

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Okay, I just managed to write an E-Mail where I phrased my thoughts so far instead of doing any changes myself. Only took me two hours or so. -.-

6 hours ago, RhaenysBee said:

And I have every intention of not letting that happen to me, there are just times when the task feels a bit hopeless to accomplish. 

Good for you! Those thoughts are nasty and... I must admit when I read your words I found them to be really uncomfortably close to my own thoughts of giving up trying to establish relationships because I can't break out of this. Also I sometimes did have thoughts about dabbling in dating and heck, even with the thought that having a child wouldn't be too bad, but quickly abandon it because it's just too late and I'm too used to being unable to deal with social situations. Not to mention the additional baggage of me severely disliking even touching people or any expression of affection, really (or... being able to feel affection, as a starter^^).

6 hours ago, RhaenysBee said:

that’s awful, childish and pathetic. I hope there’s going to be consequences for them, such as an unexcused lesson at least. Who do they think they are to judge your teaching methods and in that manner? 

It IS an unexcused lesson and the class teacher when I explained this to him dryly remarked that they pulled the very same stunt with him recently as well.

6 hours ago, RhaenysBee said:

I think you can set a virtual background in any online platform or blur out your background. If you use a headset, nobody will ever know your mother’s there, even if she started step dancing.

Our school has its own video conference tool that is secure, but very bare bones and doesn't have such a feature.

6 hours ago, RhaenysBee said:

I’ve been under the impression that it’s her living with you, not the other way around. That’s a significant difference both for her and for the rest of the world to know. And for you as well, obviously.

I mean yeah, you probably got that impression because I have been pointedly using this distinction, but I'm well aware that all outside observers aren't really caring about the semantics, especially when it is a bunch of teens and tweens looking for an opportunity to mock their comically young looking teacher. Or colleagues who'd think their part if they ever learned of my home situation. The thing is, they would be right. I'm 27, nearly 28, and only ever lived on my own for a week. That's ringing all kinds of alarm bells in people.

6 hours ago, RhaenysBee said:

Forgive me for being intrusive, I have no intention of offending your mother, I’m sure she’s got her own baggage like everybody. However, as an outside POV, at this point I’d enquire if she thought that had to with both you and your father living with her.

No, it's more of a common theme that she's looking at my father's family's history of alcoholism, schizophrenia and violent outbursts and suggesting that I'm just as fucked up. Though notably that's his siblings, my father's only part in that history is his temper and... well, the incessant self-pity I'm also obviously guilty of. So yeah, in that regard I have a lot of similarities to him aside my frustrating outward resemblance. I just try to vent this stuff in the internet in order to not end up showing too much of my fucked-upness to people I actually would have to look into the eyes afterwards.

6 hours ago, RhaenysBee said:

And I would have breakfast separately and make sure to take walks away from her daily. 

I did that a few times, usually citing time constraints, but she's usually extremely pissed and takes it as an insult if I eat alone. Especially now when I'm not really have any excuse, what with there being a week of holiday and so on.

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1 hour ago, Toth said:

Also I sometimes did have thoughts about dabbling in dating and heck, even with the thought that having a child wouldn't be too bad, but quickly abandon it because it's just too late and I'm too used to being unable to deal with social situations.

It’s never too late and the important thing is coming back from those thoughts. I think everybody, or most people at least, have these hours of insecurity and hopelessness. And what makes the difference is just rising above the thoughts - which are but passing chemical reactions in your brain rather than tangible facts and it’s up to you to stop, change and ignore them, or simply let them flow through and return to the chemical black hole they came from. 

1 hour ago, Toth said:

It IS an unexcused lesson and the class teacher when I explained this to him dryly remarked that they pulled the very same stunt with him recently as well.

All the more unexcused lessons for them :dunno: 

 

1 hour ago, Toth said:

have been pointedly using this distinction, but I'm well aware that all outside observers aren't really caring about the semantics, especially when it is a bunch of teens and tweens looking for an opportunity to mock their comically young looking teacher. Or colleagues who'd think their part if they ever learned of my home situation. The thing is, they would be right. I'm 27, nearly 28, and only ever lived on my own for a week. That's ringing all kinds of alarm bells in people.

So use it pointedly to the outside world as well? Semantics matter if you make them matter. Teens and tweens got no business sticking their noses into your living situation, you’re an adult and in your right to remind them of this. Does it? In my experience people care less about you than you would think, they are all busy caring about themselves. Now, I know, keeping that in mind is easier said than done. 

1 hour ago, Toth said:

I just try to vent this stuff in the internet in order to not end up showing too much of my fucked-upness to people I actually would have to look into the eyes afterwards.

Before you go too hard on yourself, everybody is fucked-up to some level and should be well aware of its extent before they meddle in others’ fuckedupness.

unrequited advice time over. In any case, good luck with it all and always make sure to give yourself a break. Physically and mentally too. :cheers: 

 

Edited by RhaenysBee

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13 hours ago, RhaenysBee said:

So use it pointedly to the outside world as well? Semantics matter if you make them matter. Teens and tweens got no business sticking their noses into your living situation, you’re an adult and in your right to remind them of this. Does it? In my experience people care less about you than you would think, they are all busy caring about themselves. Now, I know, keeping that in mind is easier said than done. 

I make it a principle to never speak about my home situation under any circumstances, so I luckily never get to the situation of having to insist on the semantics. It's the anxiety about the possibility that anyone could find out and make a judgement that wrecks me, but I know that's just all in my head.

13 hours ago, RhaenysBee said:

unrequited advice time over. In any case, good luck with it all and always make sure to give yourself a break. Physically and mentally too. :cheers: 

Thanks. I will try to take it easy today as well. I especially need to get my health back in line.

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I've felt weird since yesterday. I have two school tests this coming week. A friend of mine has had breathing problems for months and has slept a ton this week after getting sick with what seemed like some bacterial or viral infection. No diagnosis has come up yet for the breathing issues, but their recent bout of sickness I think just simply worried me more than I probably would have been given the breathing issues and feeling a little more stressed than usual anyway. The friend also had cancer in the past (which was part of my worry), but it sounds like that's not the probable cause of their breathing difficulties from what they explained of their diagnostic tests so far when I asked today...

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I was fat-shamed at the doctor’s office today. Even though I am well within normal BMI, with a BMI of 21.

The nurse weighed me. 140. Yes, there are some “pandemic pounds” in there. 

She looks at my chart and says “the last recorded weight in 2012 was 117 lbs. today you weigh 140. Are you pregnant?”

FFS. What kind of fucking question is that?

I said, “Ten years ago, I was running marathons. I have arthritis, and now I’m old and fat.”

I wanted to add “BITCH”.

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This wave of covid may be slowing down in my country, but my mental state is lower than it has been in a long time because I am so lonely. I started regretting breaking up with my ex almost three years ago, I have't seen him two and a half years, we exchanged some emails in the past few months, so I knpw he has somebody new that he now lives with.

In times of loneliness like this, I somehow regress into a previous mental state of me and yesterday and today, the pain is just as if we had freshly broken up and I regret it so much and I want him back and I am barely keeping myself from contacting him again, but I don't do it, because I always bloody do what I know is right and not what my feelings tell me to, and I regret this fact so much too.

And in the loneliness of the lockdown and not having seen anybody for social reasons in months, I just feel like I am never going to find somebody to make me as happy again (or even just somebody to be willing to have sex with me), let alone anything more serious and I cannot talk to anybody about it, I mean I talked about it to a friend on the phone yesterday, but it is not the same as talking in person. When I woke up today, I expected it to be a better day, but I just went back to feeling shitty again. So I am not sure if I am up to even getting up and facing anything to do or my family members.

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4 hours ago, lessthanluke said:

I'm struggling just to get out of the bed at the moment. Lying in until the afternoon as I have no reason to get up. Just can't be fucked with anything. 

:grouphug: Hang in there. One day at a time and I am sure it will be better soon. Posting on this forum usually helps to feel better, so you are on a good path already.

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5 hours ago, lessthanluke said:

I'm struggling just to get out of the bed at the moment. Lying in until the afternoon as I have no reason to get up. Just can't be fucked with anything. 

Did the authorities issue another lockdown?

I am sorry you are feeling this way, but glad you are posting about it. Hang in there!!!

My doctor has told me that I *must* go to the gym, because the lockdown laziness has not been good for my muscles. She said that I must wear a mask and find a time when the gym is deserted, but she wants me there three times a week. The inactivity is also not good for my arthritis. 

I also went to my Gyn doc today and he gave me a referral to an endocrinologist whom he says I will love. I’m ready to love any office without fat-shaming nurses, nurses who actually read a chart and see “hysterectomy” rather than ask if I’m pregnant. 

Also, my Gyn switched up my hormone therapy, so I’m moving to an estrogen-only patch. It should be even better for my complexion and bone mass than the combination of stuff we are currently using. Also gets rid of a pill and a patch and has the effect of just having a patch. 

Edited by Chataya de Fleury

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Had a nasty thought earlier. Caught sight of self in reflection with my hair bandana and brain shouted “PIG IN A BOW!!” and I had to stop and think. And challenge myself. “That wasn’t very nice...do I actually think that?” and the answer is of course NO. But it took a small moment of pause to reflect, understand that I’m not my intrusive thoughts and to challenge and confirm to myself that I didn’t mean it. Just a comment to say challenge yourself on those intrusive nasty thoughts, because they’re not you, be nice to yourself xx

Edited by Theda Baratheon

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Not sure what the heck is up with me, but this week is just a disaster. Nothing’s moving forward, stress makes me feel like shit which makes me stressed, everything is just dark and hopeless and shit and I just want to curl up in my bed and make it all stop or escape. 
some context: covid cases are rising, the mutation is here, I’m really worried about my parents’ health, sister and I are not talking and I just don’t see when she’ll move out. I don’t see when and how that last 3% of her flat will be finished and I’m too tired to even think about the effort it’s going to take. Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I should reframe it and make myself believe that it’s easy and it’ll be done in two weeks (only every time I tried that, it wasn’t done it two weeks so it’s getting increasingly difficult to believe this fable). My job is nonsensical, dysfunctional, boring and generally a one step forward two backwards Sisyphus struggle. I also have zero motivation to tackle this struggle which makes me stressed about my performance. And this whole baggage just makes me stressed and overwhelmed and anxious and gives me all the psychosomatic symptoms which makes me even more stressed. 
I suppose I should get out of my head and exercise and eat well and concentrate on my job, only I don’t really have anywhere to do that because my sister is occupying the rest of the flat and I just can’t be bothered to deal with the hysteria, the bullying or just listening to her problems and stories and life events, when I should be dealing with my own life. 
/rant

 

right right, I’m trying to pick myself up. Got pain relief balm for my headache, did some neck yoga, made a gorgeous (and ridiculously easy) dinner and I’m trying to eat it in a mindful way. I absolutely love this taste combination, by the way. In the odd case you never tried it, do give a chance to beetroot and feta/goat cheese in a meal, it’s just out of the world. The situation with sister hasn’t improved, nor did covid stats, but I’m trying to rise above it all, the latter I can’t do anything about, the former I do not wish to. I’m hoping that I can get the headache business under control and that’ll make the rest easier. And I’m also trying to focus on small things that give me joy such as what I’m going to eat tomorrow, what I’m going to read tonight, putting on fresh bedding at the weekend, etc. I’ll also try to make an effort and arrange a few flat things tomorrow so I feel a bit better about the progress and it’s easier to inject the “yes this is going to happen” narrative back into my mind. 
 

Edited by RhaenysBee
I suppose it’s just important to see there’s getting up beyond feeling down and ranting out one’s feelings into the world.

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