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Chataya de Fleury

Dating thread - the heart wants what it wants

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Posted (edited)

Aaaaand we’re done. He was texting a hooker. “Before I knew she was a hooker!” He said. And another woman from some dating site. As if he were tooootally single. So it was completely intentional, not the sort of mistake. Not a flirtation that got out of hand with someone he knew or met somewhere and gave his phone number to and she started bugging him. (This does happen, I get it.) Not “going out for a drink and ending up talking to someone and flirting and saying goodbye (but feeling handsome and validated) and going home alone”. Not double entendres with legit female friends. He was **being on a dating site and pretending he was single.** Well, now he is. 

We had gone to counseling about this in August. SAME thing, minus the hooker. He said, “but the therapist said it was ok!” I said  “no, the therapist said that ‘imagine if what you were doing was ok, can you still see how this would be hurtful?’” The therapist did NOT give him a pass on this. 

He’s still calling me and trying to apologize. I told him that I accept his apology but I can’t do this again. I’m done.

 

Done.

We are meeting tomorrow to exchange stuff.

 

Still fucking baffled on how he was texting a sex worker, but I’m four drinks in.

Edited by Chataya de Fleury

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I think what was considered a wholly visual thing that bothered me a bit isn't considered a dealbreaker anymore. The person looks more attractive to me every time we meet. ;)

Dating is a non-covid-safe activity. I do very much hope we don't end up with the virus, both of us - we talked about this yesterday. I would hate to bring him disease. Realistically, I am more likely to get covid in my workplace, as he works entirely from home. I've been vaccinated, but can still be the carrier (I think), but he hasn't. But ... I am not willing to stop doing nice and pleasant things because of fear of covid.

***

Sorry about your situation, @Chataya de Fleury. At least you seem like a decisive and strong enough person to break up and not tolerate him anymore, so you can start getting over very soon.

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@Chats, I'm so sorry, but good for you. As ever you are an icon and an inspiration.

I have nothing to contribute to the home decor discussion, as I will be moving for the fifth or sixths or something time* this year (to the fourth country) in May, and everything I own either fits into a military surplus duffel or is in a trashbag under my desk in a building no one has been allowed into since last March on the other side of the world.

So that's my position on home decor, and, it ties into my current relationship issue which is that...I sort of have one. Well, in any event, have been on a few dates with a fellow over the last month, including sleeping over and related activities the other night. I made it really clear I'm leaving in a few weeks and that I'm bouncing around for a while for work and that's how it is and that's how I want it, and he seems to take that in stride and just suggested we just 'have lots of sex until you go' (honestly, there's an 8PM curfew so there's really not that much else to do) and I think this may be something I am not opposed to, though still definitely figuring some stuff out in this regard, and not entirely certain what 'lots' consists of or how much other time ought be spent together? But I leave sometime between the 25th and 1st and have some flexibility there, and now I can't figure out whether I want that extra week (with him) or alternatively want to already be done and moving on...So, at any rate, this is in the 'nothing happens and then it happens' category, since I pretty much figured at this point I was just going to be one of those statistics, and, um, actually apparently not.

*one aside - my new airbnb there at least for the first month has a raw concrete floor throughout! I am so excited about this! For real!

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12 hours ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

Aaaaand we’re done. He was texting a hooker. “Before I knew she was a hooker!” He said. And another woman from some dating site. As if he were tooootally single. So it was completely intentional, not the sort of mistake. Not a flirtation that got out of hand with someone he knew or met somewhere and gave his phone number to and she started bugging him. (This does happen, I get it.) Not “going out for a drink and ending up talking to someone and flirting and saying goodbye (but feeling handsome and validated) and going home alone”. Not double entendres with legit female friends. He was **being on a dating site and pretending he was single.** Well, now he is. 

We had gone to counseling about this in August. SAME thing, minus the hooker. He said, “but the therapist said it was ok!” I said  “no, the therapist said that ‘imagine if what you were doing was ok, can you still see how this would be hurtful?’” The therapist did NOT give him a pass on this. 

He’s still calling me and trying to apologize. I told him that I accept his apology but I can’t do this again. I’m done.

 

Done.

We are meeting tomorrow to exchange stuff.

 

Still fucking baffled on how he was texting a sex worker, but I’m four drinks in.

Chats, I feel bad for the situation you are in now. I do hope things turn around for you in the future. Stay strong. 

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12 hours ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

Aaaaand we’re done. He was texting a hooker. “Before I knew she was a hooker!” He said. And another woman from some dating site. As if he were tooootally single. So it was completely intentional, not the sort of mistake. Not a flirtation that got out of hand with someone he knew or met somewhere and gave his phone number to and she started bugging him. (This does happen, I get it.) Not “going out for a drink and ending up talking to someone and flirting and saying goodbye (but feeling handsome and validated) and going home alone”. Not double entendres with legit female friends. He was **being on a dating site and pretending he was single.** Well, now he is. 

We had gone to counseling about this in August. SAME thing, minus the hooker. He said, “but the therapist said it was ok!” I said  “no, the therapist said that ‘imagine if what you were doing was ok, can you still see how this would be hurtful?’” The therapist did NOT give him a pass on this. 

He’s still calling me and trying to apologize. I told him that I accept his apology but I can’t do this again. I’m done.

 

Done.

We are meeting tomorrow to exchange stuff.

 

Still fucking baffled on how he was texting a sex worker, but I’m four drinks in.

The situation sucks, but I'm glad you didn't take his bullshit.

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56 minutes ago, A Horse Named Stranger said:

Does that mean Ty is getting sued for malpractice?

My methods produced a result. As a German I'd think you'd respect that. :P

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Tywin et al. said:

My methods produced a result. As a German I'd think you'd respect that. :P

Yeah, but historically speaking, Germany is probably not the best place to look for solutions (I assume you meant solution for the German joke to work). Besides, I already provided a very German solution by blaming you (tbh, I expected you to run with that joke, and yes it felt awkward making it myself).

Edited by A Horse Named Stranger

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49 minutes ago, A Horse Named Stranger said:

Yeah, but historically speaking, Germany is probably not the best place to look for solutions (I assume you meant solution for the German joke to work). Besides, I already provided a very German solution by blaming you (tbh, I expected you to run with that joke, and yes it felt awkward making it myself).

Actually I specifically did not choose that word to see if you would. One might say you goose stepped your way into that one.

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Some musings:

I know that open relationships and monogamish relationships can work. I know it is all about trust and communication. I’m not sure why he didn’t find it easy to communicate (which builds trust). Communication is talking about the hard stuff. Had he even gave his relationship status as “in an open relationship” I could have worked to get ok with the texts and taken his excuse on the hooker at face value (“I didn’t know she was a hooker until she brought up money!”)

That latter is pretty amusing, really, two people initially lying about themselves to get a connection on Tinder.

Since this was the third time he’s done this (the first result being me telling him this was hurtful and asking him to stop, the second time resulted in counseling)....it was clear to me that a lack of honesty and a lack of willingness to own his share of the fault were going to continue to be key issues that I just could not tolerate.

He called me again this morning and refused to see what he had done wrong (keeps insisting nothing was wrong). I told him I’m not interested in trying to convince him, it’s a deal breaker for me, and it’s final.

Why do some people, after doing their utmost to trash a relationship, suddenly want it back? It’s a mystery.

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37 minutes ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

Some musings:

I know that open relationships and monogamish relationships can work. I know it is all about trust and communication. I’m not sure why he didn’t find it easy to communicate (which builds trust). Communication is talking about the hard stuff. Had he even gave his relationship status as “in an open relationship” I could have worked to get ok with the texts and taken his excuse on the hooker at face value (“I didn’t know she was a hooker until she brought up money!”)

That latter is pretty amusing, really, two people initially lying about themselves to get a connection on Tinder.

Since this was the third time he’s done this (the first result being me telling him this was hurtful and asking him to stop, the second time resulted in counseling)....it was clear to me that a lack of honesty and a lack of willingness to own his share of the fault were going to continue to be key issues that I just could not tolerate.

He called me again this morning and refused to see what he had done wrong (keeps insisting nothing was wrong). I told him I’m not interested in trying to convince him, it’s a deal breaker for me, and it’s final.

Why do some people, after doing their utmost to trash a relationship, suddenly want it back? It’s a mystery.

It’s just obvious he has decided he gets to have his cake and eat it to and you are just supposed to accept whatever he decides are the goalposts today. I am very glad you have decided that isn’t good enough. If he wants to act like he’s single, it seems like the sex worker is actually the perfect choice for him

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1 hour ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

 

Why do some people, after doing their utmost to trash a relationship, suddenly want it back? It’s a mystery.

There is an 80‘S hair metal song for almost everything relationship related.  In this case, it’s the classic Cinderella balled “Don’t Know What You’ve Got (‘Til It’s Gone).”

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I cannot fathom the idea that someone could go on tinder claiming to be single and then be surprised that your monogamous significant other isn't ok with it.  Unless you've already agreed to open things up with your SO, then you are being a scumbag.

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2 hours ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

Some musings:

I know that open relationships and monogamish relationships can work. I know it is all about trust and communication. I’m not sure why he didn’t find it easy to communicate (which builds trust). Communication is talking about the hard stuff. Had he even gave his relationship status as “in an open relationship” I could have worked to get ok with the texts and taken his excuse on the hooker at face value (“I didn’t know she was a hooker until she brought up money!”)

That latter is pretty amusing, really, two people initially lying about themselves to get a connection on Tinder.

Since this was the third time he’s done this (the first result being me telling him this was hurtful and asking him to stop, the second time resulted in counseling)....it was clear to me that a lack of honesty and a lack of willingness to own his share of the fault were going to continue to be key issues that I just could not tolerate.

He called me again this morning and refused to see what he had done wrong (keeps insisting nothing was wrong). I told him I’m not interested in trying to convince him, it’s a deal breaker for me, and it’s final.

Why do some people, after doing their utmost to trash a relationship, suddenly want it back? It’s a mystery.

Truth be told, now that you are putting the previous incidents out like that, I get the impression you have been far too forgiving up until now.

And don't even attempt to wrap your head around his 'open relationship' self-justification. He was just being a cheating scumbag, plain and simple! (Yes, you know that already, but your first paragraph still reads as if you are trying to construct circumstances under which you could have forgiven him a third time)

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2 hours ago, Maithanet said:

I cannot fathom the idea that someone could go on tinder claiming to be single and then be surprised that your monogamous significant other isn't ok with it.  Unless you've already agreed to open things up with your SO, then you are being a scumbag.

We had been in various stages of open since the beginning. At the second incident of “still being on dating sites” I said, and he agreed, that we needed to be monogamous throughout the pandemic and then talk about what came next after the pandemic was over.

In the goalpost moving theme, when I was over to get my stuff, and he wanted to talk about all this, he claimed that the pandemic is over, since I am “fully vaccinated” (his words). I had my second shot on Tuesday, so it’s hardly like the CDC would consider me fully vaccinated. 

And I said we’d talk about it, not that we were just gonna jump in without any discussion.

He’s obviously devastated, and I feel bad, but this was not going to good places. I feel like he kept trying to take advantage of technicalities (“you never said I couldn’t be on Tinder!”) and I can’t do it. I just can’t. Staying strong. 
Going for a walk with my BFF tonight.

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18 minutes ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

We had been in various stages of open since the beginning. At the second incident of “still being on dating sites” I said, and he agreed, that we needed to be monogamous throughout the pandemic and then talk about what came next after the pandemic was over.

In the goalpost moving theme, when I was over to get my stuff, and he wanted to talk about all this, he claimed that the pandemic is over, since I am “fully vaccinated” (his words). I had my second shot on Tuesday, so it’s hardly like the CDC would consider me fully vaccinated. 

And I said we’d talk about it, not that we were just gonna jump in without any discussion.

He’s obviously devastated, and I feel bad, but this was not going to good places. I feel like he kept trying to take advantage of technicalities (“you never said I couldn’t be on Tinder!”) and I can’t do it. I just can’t. Staying strong. 
Going for a walk with my BFF tonight.

On the bright side, Spice and Aramis will be pleased to have you all to themselves and treat you right!

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The idea that you getting your second shot a couple of days ago means the pandemic is over is complete bullshit.  If he wanted to change the arrangement, he needs to talk to you.  Which I'm sure you know. 

I guess everyone has to justify themselves somehow, but I feel like if I actually respected my partner I wouldn't even consider trash excuses like that.

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1 hour ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

We had been in various stages of open since the beginning. At the second incident of “still being on dating sites” I said, and he agreed, that we needed to be monogamous throughout the pandemic and then talk about what came next after the pandemic was over.

"Various stages" could leave a lot of wiggle room but presumably doesnt usually include prostitution.  You should probably just plan a trip to Vegas or something.

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