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mcbigski

It's a brand new dating thread

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3 hours ago, Isalie said:

This is not a hill i would be willing to die on, but when the purpose is to show what u look like (or any time really), why would a selfie be silly?

IDK, I suppose I just don't like how they look. They are all taken from the same angle and I prefer to see what people are doing with their hands instead of knowing they were just holding a phone. Maybe it takes me out of the immersion of a picture as a moment in life knowing that somebody was holding a phone to take it, you can't really see one doing something in it. Not really a hill I am willing to die on either, I just generally don't like them. :dunno: 

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Bathroom selfies are common for men and women, be it just to show someone what you look like or to show some skin. Men typically have fewer group photos because frankly, I can’t think of many times I’ve been out with a group of male friends and someone said let’s stop to take a picture of us. Happens all the time when out with a mix of men and women.

I love photography, but if I’m going on a long hike in the woods, I might take a hundred photos of nature yet I’d never think about taking a selfie out there.

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Waaaah! Oh god, worst case scenario that I thought of before: Found a former student during my swiping. That's the issue when some of my students are about my age or older, running into them on a platform like that. Crap. I swiped left and hope she will never see my profile...

... though I must admit, my second thought went towards wondering why it didn't work out with the boyfriend she got together with last year in class...

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54 minutes ago, Tywin et al. said:

Bathroom selfies are common for men and women, be it just to show someone what you look like or to show some skin. Men typically have fewer group photos because frankly, I can’t think of many times I’ve been out with a group of male friends and someone said let’s stop to take a picture of us. Happens all the time when out with a mix of men and women.

I love photography, but if I’m going on a long hike in the woods, I might take a hundred photos of nature yet I’d never think about taking a selfie out there.

Dude,I don't know why I have to repeat this. Taking a hike at 5 am through the woods to take pictures, is not the same as taking pictures of your morning wood! Just no! Don't give me that but it works on tinder... crap. No! My inbox is not effing tinder! :tantrum:

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I, uh, think, a hint has been made about meeting somebody with whom I exchanged a few friendly messages in person. The hint came from his side obviously, I am waaaay too shy and distrustful and all. :blushing: What have I gotten myself into now?

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12 minutes ago, Buckwheat said:

I, uh, think, a hint has been made about meeting somebody with whom I exchanged a few friendly messages in person. The hint came from his side obviously, I am waaaay too shy and distrustful and all. :blushing: What have I gotten myself into now?

If you have learned enough about him that you feel reasonably confident he's not a danger to you or a complete jerk, then I'd say go for it.  There's only so much you can learn from exchanging messages.  If when you meet in person there's no chemistry or he's lying and is actually 70 years old or something, the sooner you find that out, the better. 

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1 hour ago, Maithanet said:

If you have learned enough about him that you feel reasonably confident he's not a danger to you or a complete jerk, then I'd say go for it.  There's only so much you can learn from exchanging messages.  If when you meet in person there's no chemistry or he's lying and is actually 70 years old or something, the sooner you find that out, the better. 

I mean, the messages don't sound jerky or dangerous, but I am still not completely sure about meeting in person, even with safety precautions. I think I will exchange a few more messages first. But I suppose the danger of somebody lying about literally anything on the Internet is still there.

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3 hours ago, Buckwheat said:

I mean, the messages don't sound jerky or dangerous, but I am still not completely sure about meeting in person, even with safety precautions. I think I will exchange a few more messages first. But I suppose the danger of somebody lying about literally anything on the Internet is still there.

People don't need the internet to lie. Just meet at a neutral place and see what develops. 

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Posted (edited)

So....

A few years back I met an attractive woman who works at the hospital in a distant department and we had a connection which seemed pretty obvious, but she had a giant wedding ring on her finger. Younger me would have behaved differently, but I kept things mature and just left it at being nice bumping into each other once in a while and both stopping to chat for a good bit. Today would have been just another one of those examples, but no one was around and we actually talked for a long time and were both more flirty than usual. It had been a while due to Covid protocols since I had seen her, and she clearly has been working out a lot because she looks good (not that she didn't before). During the conversation as we were catching up she pointed to her left ring finger when I asked what's new with her and she briefly spoke about her divorce. We shot the shit for a bit more, I gave her my internal contact info and we messaged back and forth for a while at work and she ended up giving me her number. 

Obviously I need to tread lightly here and be more considerate of her feelings and needs than my own, but........

 

Sorry @A Horse Named Stranger, I just wasn't that into you.

Edited by Tywin et al.

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We moved the conversation from Tinder to another app yesterday. This allowed me to see his whole name, so I obviously googled him. Now I feel much better about talking to an unknown person because I can at least check some things online (his first name is quite common, but his surname is unusual, so it was easy to find that) and I trust the whole thing better.

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Deleted Hinge today. It was making me frustrated and annoyed. I knew going in I was never going to actually enjoy a dating app, but I promised myself I would delete it if it ever started making me actively miserable.

I also think I've come to a realisation about myself. Whilst I almost always know whether or not I'm physically attracted to someone within ten seconds of meeting them, I still need to spend a fair bit of time getting to know someone in a non-dating context before feelings develop. Everyone I've ever really felt excited about is someone who I've developed a crush on after getting to know them in real life first.

So for the time being I'm putting all active attempts to find someone to date on the back burner, and instead focusing on trying new social things generally. I'm currently talking to a couple of local bands about auditioning, and I think I'll look for some volunteer opportunities as well.

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5 hours ago, Liffguard said:

So for the time being I'm putting all active attempts to find someone to date on the back burner, and instead focusing on trying new social things generally. I'm currently talking to a couple of local bands about auditioning, and I think I'll look for some volunteer opportunities as well.

I wish you much success!

Personally I must say after I keep reading the recommendation to 'just go out more' and join stuff that brings you in contact with people... I must say the thought of joining some kind of activity with the motivation that maybe you can find your special someone there does feel very forced to me. I know I would feel extremely creepy having such thoughts and for that reason can't do that.

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Posted (edited)
49 minutes ago, Toth said:

I wish you much success!

Personally I must say after I keep reading the recommendation to 'just go out more' and join stuff that brings you in contact with people... I must say the thought of joining some kind of activity with the motivation that maybe you can find your special someone there does feel very forced to me. I know I would feel extremely creepy having such thoughts and for that reason can't do that.

What about joining some activity because you are interested in both doing it and meeting new people?  Because that doesn't sound creepy to me, the words I would use would be healthy, mature, fulfilling, etc. 

Obviously don't treat a hiking club like tinder, but everyone there is seeking some element of human interaction or they could just go hiking alone.  So go meet some people.  That's not creepy at all. 

Edited by Maithanet

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25 minutes ago, Maithanet said:

Obviously don't treat a hiking club like tinder, but everyone there is seeking some element of human interaction or they could just go hiking alone.  So go meet some people.  That's not creepy at all.

Mmh, I suppose my issue is that I have been successfully conditioned to avoid anything involving other people. Case in point, today was the end of the school year party at work and I was so excruciatingly bad at inserting myself in conversations, after two abysmal attempts I ended up wandering around the edge of the crowd until I gave up and went home. I just have absolutely nothing to talk about with other people and seeking them out will always look forced because of that.

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There are books on small talk. The tips do help with that kind of conversation. Make it a game. Now you want to have a meaningful conversation, it is half up to your partner. If I want to perform socially, I may actually think up table topics from current events, but maybe don’t start with the Middle East.:) There is actually prep and practice for this, should you not be a natural extrovert, or not be optimistic.

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And also (I feel like we've said this many times @Toth), don't be so hard on yourself.  Not every conversation with work acquaintances or strangers is going to go really well.  Sometimes the conversation never really gets going until someone wanders off.  It's not great, but it's hardly a disaster unless you make it into one in your own mind. 

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Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, HoodedCrow said:

There are books on small talk. The tips do help with that kind of conversation. Make it a game. Now you want to have a meaningful conversation, it is half up to your partner. If I want to perform socially, I may actually think up table topics from current events, but maybe don’t start with the Middle East.:) There is actually prep and practice for this, should you not be a natural extrovert, or not be optimistic.

Dale Carnegie “How to Win Friends and Influence People” has a bit of a primer on “small talk”.

Sometimes, I’m in the mood to meet new people, and sometimes, not. 

Currently, I’m just not in a mood to talk to anyone, and I’m finding physical people annoying. 

Then again, I’m in a bar with a very loud chick from Alabama who is screaming “ROLL TIDE”. It is only 6 pm eastern.

Edited by Chataya de Fleury

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Nobody actually wants to get good at small talk, do they?  That like enjoying unwrapping the saran wrap off the shit sandwich you don't want to eat.

Good conversations are not about asking questions of each other back and forth, interview style.  The best conversations typically are telling stories to each other about your experiences, and only asking questions to find the stories the other person has yet to tell.

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The best conversations aren't small talk at all, exactly.  There's going to be some level of talking about the basic details of who you are and where you're from but when you're at that level of conversation where none of it is forced and its all just genuine get to know you better without a lot of judgement, that's the sweet spot.  I think that just means mutual attraction.  

So i was further chatting up this quite lovely woman tonight who has thrown lots of vibe at me previously.  "you're tall"  "you're  Polish"  "you're skinny" with a touch to my mid section. (she grew up in New Britain CT for context about the Polish bit)  The last isn't exactly how I'd put it, but I'm decently fit for an old guy. 

I don't always read people well, but I think she totally wants to get with me except that her current guy has a pretty solid relationship with her 10 year old. (since she said that straight up)  But I think my wheel house is either no kids or kids who have driver's license.

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