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mcbigski

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30 minutes ago, Buckwheat said:

Thank you. I am trying to stay in this mindset. It is only tough because I have been "waiting" for so many years, and I often doubt there is really anybody out there who would suit me, and even if there is, will I ever meet them?

But no worries, I have already turned down one person who started being interested in me, but I didn't find him interesting at all. So I suppose I have some standards, however low I am trying to hold them. This was more than a year ago.

The last person I met up a few times, fairly recently, we found an important incompatibility based on religion. This is so weird. And there are just so many things that can make a relationship not work. It is sometimes hard to even imagine how people find somebody who fits them at all.

Weird right?

Maybe they just took a risk and ended up lucky.

 

There should be a math formula for this.

I think it's an evolutionary thing.

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15 minutes ago, Buckwheat said:

It is only tough because I have been "waiting" for so many years, and I often doubt there is really anybody out there who would suit me, and even if there is, will I ever meet them?

Well, that's something I know too well. I myself was waiting because I had to get my shit together before making others suffer my presence in their lives... and then I never managed to get my shit together, so all I did was wait.

And to be honest I still don't feel comfortable reaching out. Which I guess is why I was so relieved about the foreign student girl just wanting to be friends as that would already be a step forward... even though it turned weird and I'm fairly sure she doesn't want me to message her anymore...

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22 hours ago, Tywin et al. said:

Reading the last page and a half or so makes me question if I should ever give advice here, but I'll try.

Don't be. You should never feel desperate, especially in this sense. You have a lot to offer even if you haven't found the best way to express it, but desperation does you no good.

Well thank you! :D

I am really trying to keep to this conviction. I just don't have any evidence to prove it, since it yields no results.

22 hours ago, A True Kaniggit said:

Weird right?

Maybe they just took a risk and ended up lucky.

I suppose they did.

And then I take a risk and ... IDK, end up being ghosted (my last crush) or some sort of fundamental incompatibility turns up after spending the quarantine talking on the phone a lot etc.

22 hours ago, Toth said:

Well, that's something I know too well. I myself was waiting because I had to get my shit together before making others suffer my presence in their lives... and then I never managed to get my shit together, so all I did was wait.

And to be honest I still don't feel comfortable reaching out. Which I guess is why I was so relieved about the foreign student girl just wanting to be friends as that would already be a step forward... even though it turned weird and I'm fairly sure she doesn't want me to message her anymore...

I mean, I do think I am objectively not somebody others would have to "suffer" all the time - sure I have my flaws and I am aware of them, but there are people who cherish me on an intellectual and professional and friendly level, and I do think I might have positive sides too. I cannot say I have all of my shit together, but ... I hope I have most of it. :dunno: 

I sometimes feel like I have weird not-real-problems problems, or first world problems, or very privileged person problems, or whatever you want to call it. This may sound very un-feminist and regressive, and I wonder if I have the right to be hurt by it, but ... I cannot say I am not appreciated in my life. I get compliments often: You are clever, intelligent, hard-working, capable, a quick learner ... A lot of things women complain they wish were noticed about them. And yet I almost never (in fact, only by one person) have I simply been appreciated because they thought I looked hot and attractive. And I just don't want to only be smart and capable and a quick learner, I also want to be cherished, well, like a woman in a woman's body. Maybe I should just be happier with what I have.

Okay, this went way too deep. Soooo, what ended up happening with the foreign student, Toth?

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46 minutes ago, Buckwheat said:

A lot of things women complain they wish were noticed about them. And yet I almost never (in fact, only by one person) have I simply been appreciated because they thought I looked hot and attractive. And I just don't want to only be smart and capable and a quick learner, I also want to be cherished, well, like a woman in a woman's body. Maybe I should just be happier with what I have

It is not unfeminist to want people to find you attractive.  We all have some things that come pretty naturally for us and some things that we struggle with.  And it can feel like we're always confronting the same problem over and over again, just in slightly different form.  That is what I (as a non-religious person) take the phrase "we all have our crosses to bear" to mean. In relationships, almost everyone has some flaw, whether it's too brash or too shy or too plain or too pale or whatever.  And invariably, whatever shortcoming you have, it will be incredibly frustrating. 

10 minutes ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

And I can also tell you that while plenty of men (and women) think that I am “hot” - I get more, so much more, out of people telling me that I am smart and capable :) so, maybe we always want the compliment we don’t receive?

There's that, but also being hot is kinda empty.  Yes (for women especially) there is work involved in maintaining fitness, grooming, beauty products, etc.  But that only goes so far and for the most part, if you're hot, it's because you're lucky enough to be born attractive.  And so complimenting someone about being hot is sorta like complimenting someone on being tall.  It's like "yes, I know that.  I have lived in this body my whole life."  Whereas if someone says you are very capable or funny or hardworking, that is something that you actually made happen, and thus you can take a lot more pride in it. 

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1 hour ago, Isalie said:

Man, people always wanna devalue hot, but that shit aint happening, its in our nature to appreciate it.

Appreciate != overvalue -- which is what Maith is saying here, and I agree with.

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This might be slightly complicated, but here we go:  wife and I have been married for 15 years, two kids in grade school, and have had an open relationship (ethical non-monogamy) for 5+ years.  Had a period where I needed to deal with mental health, my oldest was diagnosed with ASD, wife with depression/ADHD.  Love life in marriage was non-existent, and after 2 years of not dating, got enough time and space and will put myself back into the online dating pool around March 1st, 2020.  A few weeks of zoom dates after COVID  and I pulled the plug on my profile...it was just not something I had the heart to pursue.

A few months ago, an ex-gf texted me to let me know she saw me on the app back when pandemic started and we restarted our chat - wife knows and likes her, and encouraged me to pursue - some video dates/texting and post-vaccine, we’ve been able to schedule kinky sessions at hers every two weeks that have been fantastic and fun. 

Also, have been gradually reconnecting with the wife - she’s had some health issues, put things on pause with her bf about halfway through the pandemic, and has been almost asexual for the past 2 years.  But we have been close throughout, cuddling/hugs and we built up to some intimacies last night hat I really missed and enjoyed.  And I woke up this morning feeling like “Hey, things are F***ing great again, things are thawing after COVID, time to dust off that ol’ profile and be part of the first-wave sex pandemic!”  
 

 

1 hour ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

G0ddamn me overscheduling myself!!! I just really need to chill out and go to the gym, but it’s soooo impossible for me to say no to going out and being social after Everything.

Feeling this 1000x. I talked to my therapist this morning about this exact thing.  This is exactly how I want to roll, I have been starving for novelty for so damn long.  

But for me, I am going to have to be slow dipping my toes back into dating/extraneous commitments.  As much as I want it, I think it’s going to be kinder to myself to smile and enjoy what I have, and be deliberate about my dating moves.

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1 hour ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

So....

Things are getting complicated, and I do not like complicated.

I need, need, need to tell BigLaw that I feel like friends, but that’s so hard. (My whole life advice from every authority figure when growing up was always “never tell a man anything he doesn’t want to hear,” so this is hard).

I have a very nice Plastics Engineer who wants to go out on Saturday. 

HOWEVER, my brain forgot to register that Mr Palm Beach and his boat sales guy will be here on Saturday. And my presence is requested like, um, Thursday night through Saturday/Sunday morning. So this could really be kind of A Thing. Maybe.

F!!!!! I shall have to push Mr. Plastics Engineer to next week. 

Meanwhile, Mr Former Marine, whom I have not yet met in person, wants to have lunch on Wednesday. 

G0ddamn me overscheduling myself!!! I just really need to chill out and go to the gym, but it’s soooo impossible for me to say no to going out and being social after Everything. Like the whole pandemic everything and also W. 

I’m sure you are getting more than enough exercise 

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18 hours ago, Buckwheat said:

I mean, I do think I am objectively not somebody others would have to "suffer" all the time - sure I have my flaws and I am aware of them, but there are people who cherish me on an intellectual and professional and friendly level, and I do think I might have positive sides too. I cannot say I have all of my shit together, but ... I hope I have most of it. :dunno: 

Oh, sorry sorry. I  just took your notion about waiting because other stuff always seems more urgent and somehow went one of my usual self-depreciating tangents. I didn't want to imply a similar reasoning for you, much the opposite. You'll certainly drown in attention in no time.^^

18 hours ago, Buckwheat said:

Soooo, what ended up happening with the foreign student, Toth?

Well, nothing. Obviously. After a week of not messaging and not receiving a message I grew impatient and asked her how it's going. She replied that in a spontaneous fit she flew to Spain. After a bit I asked whether I got this right last week that I'm not supposed to message her anymore and she bluntly replied yes. When I then asked how she imagines maintaining a friendship like that she replied that I shouldn't worry, she doesn't stay in contact even with her best friends, this is all fine.

I have honestly absolutely no idea whatsoever what happened there. I only know that I guess I will go with her wishes and forget about her. A friend that I told about this mused whether this is a cultural thing, but I somehow doubt it.

Meanwhile my conversations with the ASoIaF veterinary continue. Unlike the more fluid exchanges with the foreign student, I feel more reminded of the 'mailfriendship' thread on another board where you can chat with people through PMs which usually devolve into huge walls of text where you need hours to comply an answer to. It's fun, but I feel like slipping away because I just don't have the time right now to answer in kind...

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6 hours ago, Isalie said:

Enquiring minds cant help wonder, is the marbled body helped by anabolic pills which then has to be countered by the blue pills? That would be kinda hilarious but also deeply tragic. 

I actually assumed it was a whiskeydick problem given the way Chats was describing the evening.  I'm lucky enough not to have that particular challenge, but according to my wife, plenty of guys struggle with that even in their early twenties.  (Now that I think about it, quite possible this is more of a problem for college age guys since they're less experienced, whereas guys in their 30s know better). 

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37 minutes ago, Toth said:

I have honestly absolutely no idea whatsoever what happened there. I only know that I guess I will go with her wishes and forget about her. A friend that I told about this mused whether this is a cultural thing, but I somehow doubt it.

 

You don't know the why, but you have your answer.  She isn't interested in continuing things with you and she seems bad at communicating generally.  Which is frustrating, but there's nothing you can do about it other than chock it up to experience and move on. 

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Meanwhile my conversations with the ASoIaF veterinary continue. Unlike the more fluid exchanges with the foreign student, I feel more reminded of the 'mailfriendship' thread on another board where you can chat with people through PMs which usually devolve into huge walls of text where you need hours to comply an answer to. It's fun, but I feel like slipping away because I just don't have the time right now to answer in kind...

Wait, what?  Did I miss a post, who is this?  Super long messages can be exhausting, but it's also a lot more promising than someone who never makes time for you. 

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1 hour ago, Maithanet said:

Wait, what?  Did I miss a post, who is this?  Super long messages can be exhausting, but it's also a lot more promising than someone who never makes time for you. 

The issue wasn't that the foreign student didn't make time, it was just a sudden accusation in the middle of the night that I'm "putting her under pressure" by trying to write almost daily. And saying that I don't understand girls and need more experience. As if she was thinking I focused my attention only on her and that thought freaked her out. I don't know...

Well, on the first page here in the new thread I posted this:

On 5/22/2021 at 4:32 PM, Toth said:

Well, turns out I shouldn't have dismissed my three matches from last weekend. One actually didn't end up expiring and instead messaged me. Doesn't seem to be really seeking for a relationship either, instead wants to nerd around about ASoIaF. If this is one of you guys screwing with me, I'm gonna get mad!

So yeah, I unexpectedly got another match. It's a really laid-back exchange and just like the foreign student she put "Don't know" into her seeking tab. It seems the only girls I can possibly attract are the ones who just want to have a casual chat. XD

 

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3 hours ago, Maithanet said:

I actually assumed it was a whiskeydick problem given the way Chats was describing the evening.  I'm lucky enough not to have that particular challenge, but according to my wife, plenty of guys struggle with that even in their early twenties.  (Now that I think about it, quite possible this is more of a problem for college age guys since they're less experienced, whereas guys in their 30s know better). 

And that is why I really limit my alcohol intake. 

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2 hours ago, Toth said:

So yeah, I unexpectedly got another match. It's a really laid-back exchange and just like the foreign student she put "Don't know" into her seeking tab. It seems the only girls I can possibly attract are the ones who just want to have a casual chat. XD

This sounds promising!  You might only end up as friends, but that's ok!

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5 hours ago, Maithanet said:

(Now that I think about it, quite possible this is more of a problem for college age guys since they're less experienced, whereas guys in their 30s know better).

Not sure what you mean exactly, but I'd imagine it's more prevalent among college-aged guys because they're more prone to binge drinking/drinking more than they can handle rather than relative lack of sexual experience.

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On 5/24/2021 at 9:55 PM, Chataya de Fleury said:

Ghosting happens, and you know what? That sh1t happens because the other party is too f-cking cowardly to say to us that we deserve better than them, or they are just too f-cked up and need to be alone, or whatever. 

And I can also tell you that while plenty of men (and women) think that I am “hot” - I get more, so much more, out of people telling me that I am smart and capable :) so, maybe we always want the compliment we don’t receive? 

You’ve got a lot going for you, @Buckwheat

This is a very optimistic way of looking at it. I thought that maybe this particular ghoster was too good for me.

And, yes, we always want what we don't have - but I am aware I have a lot already.

Thank you. :) 

On 5/24/2021 at 10:20 PM, Maithanet said:

Whereas if someone says you are very capable or funny or hardworking, that is something that you actually made happen, and thus you can take a lot more pride in it. 

I mean, I don't think you can actually decide and become a quick learner or innovative or smart just because you decide so - some people are for example born with better memorization capabilities or patience to repeat things they need to learn etc. And it is also greatly influenced by what kind of upbringing one gets. So while it might seem like it is a compliment one receives because one achieved these things, they are also not all one's own achievements.

7 hours ago, Toth said:

Oh, sorry sorry. I  just took your notion about waiting because other stuff always seems more urgent and somehow went one of my usual self-depreciating tangents. I didn't want to imply a similar reasoning for you, much the opposite. You'll certainly drown in attention in no time.^^

Oh, no. I mean, partly - I usually tell myself I will do that after  I ... do this. But generally, the "waiting" is really just me waiting for somebody to actually be attracted to me and want to do something with me.

7 hours ago, Toth said:

Well, nothing. Obviously. After a week of not messaging and not receiving a message I grew impatient and asked her how it's going. She replied that in a spontaneous fit she flew to Spain. After a bit I asked whether I got this right last week that I'm not supposed to message her anymore and she bluntly replied yes. When I then asked how she imagines maintaining a friendship like that she replied that I shouldn't worry, she doesn't stay in contact even with her best friends, this is all fine.

A pity! But at least you got your answer. Some people are just like that, they move from a friendship or any other relationship on quickly.

7 hours ago, Toth said:

Meanwhile my conversations with the ASoIaF veterinary continue. Unlike the more fluid exchanges with the foreign student, I feel more reminded of the 'mailfriendship' thread on another board where you can chat with people through PMs which usually devolve into huge walls of text where you need hours to comply an answer to. It's fun, but I feel like slipping away because I just don't have the time right now to answer in kind...

Good luck staying in contact and at least becoming friends. :) 

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2 hours ago, DMC said:

Not sure what you mean exactly, but I'd imagine it's more prevalent among college-aged guys because they're more prone to binge drinking/drinking more than they can handle rather than relative lack of sexual experience.

One leads to the other. And no, the order does not matter.

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14 minutes ago, maarsen said:

One leads to the other. And no, the order does not matter.

Well, the "beer before liquor..." guideline always seemed to be good advice to keep things under control.

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1 hour ago, DMC said:

Well, the "beer before liquor..." guideline always seemed to be good advice to keep things under control.

I don't know if this is true or not but in my case mixing drinks leads to vomiting which also tends to kill the mood...i think I'd rather someone be flaccid *insert Meryl Streep in Death Becomes Her sound bite here* than throw up on me :P 

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