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Dating thread - “OOPS! I Did It Again” edition


Chataya de Fleury
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On 4/8/2022 at 9:34 PM, Fury Resurrected said:

YBD has asked that I go to therapy with him. He has not gotten vaccinated, he has not gone to therapy himself, nor has he even apologized- but he thinks we can work this out. Which I guess means he thinks he can make me change my mind without making any changes to the actual reasons I broke up with him.

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On 4/8/2022 at 9:22 AM, Toth said:

Yeah, this one class at the very least. Maybe because I look roughly their age? I just feel like it's weird when I try my best to keep my distance.

Had to come back to reply to this because this continued recently with one girl gushing to me about how she's now dating with a stranger who literally just walked up to her and asked her number.

First thought: That is a thing that happens? Admittedly, she spoke about it like it's a super rare thing, but still.

Second thought: I would think the common response to something like that would be either "I already got a boyfriend" or just a kick in the nuts.

I guess just another sign that I'm having wrong expectations about how stuff like this works, but then again, her main argument was that he's both tall and confident, so...

Yeah this happens. And if they're polite about asking, I'm polite about saying no. Asking someone out is not an offensive thing to do.

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Since Doctor has ever so politely acceded to my request to tie me up, I ordered the beginner set of bondage ropes from my favorite online toy store. 

And my kid said that he would go visit friends overnight on Friday.

Now, it’s time to go to Total Wine and get a nice red wine for him and a white wine for me, then go grocery shopping so I can do a nice little cheese and fruit plate and also grill some veggies :)

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6 hours ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

Since Doctor has ever so politely acceded to my request to tie me up, I ordered the beginner set of bondage ropes from my favorite online toy store. 

PSA:  kink and drink responsibly!

Mind joints, nerves, and circulation. Also make sure you have a set of bandage shears near at hand (bonus: these usually come with when dating doctors, nurses and EMTs!).  
 

You don’t want to be caught in a power outage (this has happened to me) or other awkward situation without a quick, easy, and safe way to remove ties.

Now back to your regularly scheduled dating program!

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This week unexpectedly took a dating-heavy turn, and now I’m feeling a little overwhelmed/potentially overbooked.


Family was sick all week and had to reschedule a Netflix and chill date with Ms. M to next Tuesday.

Scheduled a meet-up several weeks ago with wild ex for tonight, so that should be an interesting time, catching up.  She’s dropped heavy hints about wanting physical contact tonight (we used to be NSA), but I’ve evolved a bit in how I want my relationships to be, and have been sober for like 3 of the 4 years it’s been since we saw each other.  I want to make sure there is some kind of additional dimension, if we’re going to spend time together again.

Also got a detailed and interesting intro on an app (I haven’t been on in 6 months) and started texting with the interesting lady, and it turned spicy pretty quickly. No plans to meet up yet, and there are a few small things that may be red flags (mention of a current toxic relationship, and having only a few months of experience with ENM).  

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6 hours ago, VigoTheCarpathian said:

Scheduled a meet-up several weeks ago with wild ex for tonight, so that should be an interesting time, catching up.  She’s dropped heavy hints about wanting physical contact tonight (we used to be NSA), but I’ve evolved a bit in how I want my relationships to be, and have been sober for like 3 of the 4 years it’s been since we saw each other.  

I got unexpectedly anxious and had to postpone this date.  We have an easter thing with older parents and grandparents tomorrow, which is part of it (covid responsibilities) but also feeling a little preemptively tired about having to go spend time with this feisty redhead I haven’t seen in years and get into immediately emotional stuff/enforce some boundaries.  It didn’t feel like a “F*** yes!” tonight.

Feeling slight disappointment at possibly letting her down (she was super gracious and understanding) and having overblown emotions effect plans.  And I had vague hopes that things would have reconnected quickly/physical fun could resume.  I feel like it’s going to take me a while to get back out there, fully.

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13 hours ago, VigoTheCarpathian said:

I got unexpectedly anxious and had to postpone this date.  We have an easter thing with older parents and grandparents tomorrow, which is part of it (covid responsibilities) but also feeling a little preemptively tired about having to go spend time with this feisty redhead I haven’t seen in years and get into immediately emotional stuff/enforce some boundaries.  It didn’t feel like a “F*** yes!” tonight.

Feeling slight disappointment at possibly letting her down (she was super gracious and understanding) and having overblown emotions effect plans.  And I had vague hopes that things would have reconnected quickly/physical fun could resume.  I feel like it’s going to take me a while to get back out there, fully.

Well, sometimes these things happen. And, I wonder if you are having are some mixed emotions about getting back out there? These past two years have been an adjustment for all of us, and difficult times for many.

In good news on my world, the Doctor invited me to his senior partner’s Passover Seder, which was awesome. And then we went to my place and he met my cats. My cats seem to like him, and my cats are NOT super-friendly. (They aren’t hostile, either, they are just very reserved around new humans, on a best-case scenario, as they were in this one.)

Then, Saturday, I had some appointments and went over to his house for dinner (he took me to a Maylasian restaurant) and then we watched “Margin Call” on Netflix, which he loved, so yay for a good choice in financial movies :D We also watched “The Bubble” on Netflix, which we both found hilarious.

We had some good chats and discovered a lot of commonalities. On the physical side, I think as we get more used to each other, things are getting more in sync, and we are not potentially physically incompatible, as I had at first feared. I just kind of have to show him what I like - and he picks things up very quickly.

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ALL Y’ALL!!!

A wrinkle in the dating game hath appear’d. I was eating at my beloved Pizza Place, when He appeared. And gave me his phone number. I’ve seen him often, and he said “I used to see you here with [Firm].” And I’m like, “yeah, we broke up.” And relayed a bit about the screaming at me after the Eagles concert.

He made a slight joke about Firm’s height, and I said “he wasn’t short, he was compact.” He respected that, but said that he didn’t treat me right and that’s why he was dissing Firm.

uuuurg, do I owe it to Doctor to be exclusive? I suppose it’s too soon for even that conversation because it’s not like Mr So Very Single Fortune 500 SVP has done anything more than text me hello. 

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25 minutes ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

uuuurg, do I owe it to Doctor to be exclusive? I suppose it’s too soon for even that conversation…

Exclusivity assum’d makes an ass out of u and MD.  

Unless there’s some indication it’d foul things for sure between you (overt “only date one person” philosophy), I think default is “I date who I want until you want to talk about it”.

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1 hour ago, VigoTheCarpathian said:

Exclusivity assum’d makes an ass out of u and MD.  

Unless there’s some indication it’d foul things for sure between you (overt “only date one person” philosophy), I think default is “I date who I want until you want to talk about it”.

S’trewth. I am not sure how unconstrained (ooooh, UNCONSTRAINED!!!! UNTIED!!!!) I am, so I should probably discuss that before I ENTANGLE myself somehow.

Yes, lots of good bondage jokes, here :)

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1 hour ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

S’trewth. I am not sure how unconstrained (ooooh, UNCONSTRAINED!!!! UNTIED!!!!) I am, so I should probably discuss that before I ENTANGLE myself somehow.

Yes, lots of good bondage jokes, here :)

I shall try to translate your dilemma in simple horse terms.

So you want to know, whether bound by him is the same as bound to him, right?

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15 minutes ago, A Horse Named Stranger said:

I shall try to translate your dilemma in simple horse terms.

So you want to know, whether bound by him is the same as bound to him, right?

Well, yes.

And, in human terms, this does entail communication of the verbal variety. Not just a “neigh”. A conversation on expectations which shall be had.

Because, if this lady is free to explore….well, then, the game has changed.

Usually, if someone wants to get busy without a condom, the default is monogamy. Then again, monogamous people generally text or call on a daily “hey just checking in” kind of basis or at least respond eventually to such calls / texts. So, I am confused, which should be cleared up with communication. I have wondered if the doctor is neurodivergent.  

However, thinking on all this, Jane Austen’s spirit must be pleased that a lady looking at eligible bachelors in this day and age seems to find no lack of those earning at least her annual income (though of course, in Ms. Austen’s day, that was zero, but you know what I mean).

And the gentleman in Greece whom this lady met in Canada who owns some olive orchards and is very marriage-minded has asked her multiple times to visit Greece and his orchards. So, there is always that. His orchards are quite lovely.

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12 minutes ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

Well, yes.

And, in human terms, this does entail communication of the verbal variety. A conversation on expectations which shall be had.

Because, if this lady is free to explore….well, then, the game has changed.

 

Ropes are not shackles, and good knots always reverse easily.  

I’ve only had one instance of non-verbal “implied exclusivity”, and it wasn’t great to talk through after - people have massively different ideas on what “seeing one another” means.  I usually try to work in “I have a date with A on B” into the “what are you doing?” conversations very early on, just to get it out in the open.  It’s never been a problem as long as it came up early, and clued a few dates that I was not the monogamous dating droid they were looking for.

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13 hours ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

Well, yes.

And, in human terms, this does entail communication of the verbal variety. Not just a “neigh”. A conversation on expectations which shall be had.

Because, if this lady is free to explore….well, then, the game has changed.

Usually, if someone wants to get busy without a condom, the default is monogamy. Then again, monogamous people generally text or call on a daily “hey just checking in” kind of basis or at least respond eventually to such calls / texts. So, I am confused, which should be cleared up with communication. I have wondered if the doctor is neurodivergent.  

However, thinking on all this, Jane Austen’s spirit must be pleased that a lady looking at eligible bachelors in this day and age seems to find no lack of those earning at least her annual income (though of course, in Ms. Austen’s day, that was zero, but you know what I mean).

And the gentleman in Greece whom this lady met in Canada who owns some olive orchards and is very marriage-minded has asked her multiple times to visit Greece and his orchards. So, there is always that. His orchards are quite lovely.

Well, there's an old horse saying. Which can't really be translated into humon and will not help you in any way.

Male humon not wanting to use a condom, is just a male humon not wanting to use a condom. But yes, you should probably  engage in a conversation, whether you two are exclusive or not. 

Grass (and orchards) always being greener on the other side (terrible mistranslation of another hosse saying btw.) and stuff. You have to decide on what/who you want (and don't want).

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8 hours ago, A Horse Named Stranger said:

Well, there's an old horse saying. Which can't really be translated into humon and will not help you in any way.

Male humon not wanting to use a condom, is just a male humon not wanting to use a condom. But yes, you should probably  engage in a conversation, whether you two are exclusive or not. 

Grass (and orchards) always being greener on the other side (terrible mistranslation of another hosse saying btw.) and stuff. You have to decide on what/who you want (and don't want).

Excellent advice, as is the advice of @VigoTheCarpathian

Sometimes, ladies of a certain age are just glad that there is a backup plan (olive orchards, ahem) in case things go to sh1t.

I must have a fulsome conversation with the Doctor as to our status. I must remind myself that I have feelings and needs, too, as I typically submerge my feelings and needs in favor of the other person’s…and that works until it spectacularly doesn’t. 

The problem that I have had with Ethical Non-Monogamy, in a fairly conservative area of the South, is that the men here take it as “I (Man) can screw around but you can’t”. 

So, I need to advocate for myself and also negotiate something acceptable for both of us vis a vis monogamy expectations.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Heading to Nashville for the weekend to celebrate the lady's b-day.  Used the lion's share of my Hilton points and the credit from southwest after the return from bwb in vegas debacle.  (If you thought grapes of wrath was a drawn out cross country story let me tell you...)  Two days before probably not optimal cost wise but whats the cant miss in Nashville spots?

 

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Update on the ex's sister situation. We've been seeing a lot more of each other recently, and I couldn't really get her off my mind, so I decided that I had to say something. I said that I'd been enjoying hanging out, and that I was getting a feeling that this was more than just friendship. She said she thought she was getting the same feeling, but didn't know what she wanted to do about it. We both acknowledged the weirdness over this situation given I dated her sister. So we agreed to just keep hanging out as friends for now, and leave the future open.

So, not closure exactly, but at least it's good to know I wasn't totally imagining things. On the other hand, I can recognise a soft rejection, so I definitely won't be making any more moves and will be happy that we've formed a closer friendship.

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On 4/30/2022 at 5:22 AM, Liffguard said:

Update on the ex's sister situation. We've been seeing a lot more of each other recently, and I couldn't really get her off my mind, so I decided that I had to say something. I said that I'd been enjoying hanging out, and that I was getting a feeling that this was more than just friendship. She said she thought she was getting the same feeling, but didn't know what she wanted to do about it. We both acknowledged the weirdness over this situation given I dated her sister. So we agreed to just keep hanging out as friends for now, and leave the future open.

So, not closure exactly, but at least it's good to know I wasn't totally imagining things. On the other hand, I can recognise a soft rejection, so I definitely won't be making any more moves and will be happy that we've formed a closer friendship.

Are you SURE there is a soft rejection involved? From what you are saying, I’m not seeing one. But, you were having the actual conversation, so you would know :)

@mcbigski - let us know how Nashville went!!

In my world - I’ve been working 12+ hour days, recently. The Doctor has asked if this is normal. I told him that if he stick with me, he would get to know SEC filing deadlines really well :)

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2 hours ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

Are you SURE there is a soft rejection involved? From what you are saying, I’m not seeing one. But, you were having the actual conversation, so you would know :)

She also said she "wanted to take some time for herself."

From my perspective, either I take her at 100% face value - she's potentially interested but unsure, and wants to just focus on herself for now - in which case there's nothing to gain by me pushing things.

Or, she's giving me a soft no while allowing me to back off and save face, in which case there's nothing to gain by me pushing things.

Either way, the ball is kind of in her court now. I'm happy to just be a friend, and if things change in the future I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

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