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Dating thread - “OOPS! I Did It Again” edition


Chataya de Fleury
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What do you all think about valentines day?

Personally, I think it's largely a hallmark holiday.  Sure, get some flowers, or chocolates, or whatever, but if you can put the marketing aside, how is it different than any other shitty cold February day?

My MO is set basically the lowest relationship expectations possible and then exceed them, but really are roses at valentines worth 2x roses any other time? 

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25 minutes ago, mcbigski said:

 

My MO is set basically the lowest relationship expectations possible and then exceed them

This isn’t, in my experience, a great recipe for success.

 

As for Valentine’s Day, even when I’m partnered I prefer to celebrate my cats on that day and get them toys and special treats. BUT- if I’m with someone who wants something different, I’m perfectly happy to do what makes them happy, since I don’t really care. In most things, you should defer to the person to whom it matters most because presumably you want them to feel happy and valued and heard. 

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12 minutes ago, Fury Resurrected said:

This isn’t, in my experience, a great recipe for success.

From which side?  As I'm sure I've said before, up to the medium term, the general hetero issue with relationships as I've experienced them, is that things seem to start off pretty good, but she wants him to change, and he happy if she stays the same. 

You can always make exceptions for exceptional people but in the longer term,. a relationship is in many ways a negotiation.  I say mostly hold your ground, and if the only way it works is if you have to meet too far off your ground, then let it go.

(though I'm nearly 50 w no kids, so keep your own counsel!)

Edited by mcbigski
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57 minutes ago, mcbigski said:

What do you all think about valentines day?

Unless you're trying to sabotage the relationship, I think you do whatever the woman wants.  Or, actually in my experience, at least slightly more than what the woman expresses she wants.

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5 minutes ago, DMC said:

Unless you're trying to sabotage the relationship, I think you do whatever the woman wants.  Or, actually in my experience, at least slightly more than what the woman expresses she wants.

I suppose the "easiest" route would be to only start dating between February and April.  This way, by the time you get around to Valentine's day it's either so early that it's not serious, or it's been so long you know each other enough [that] potential expectations can't fuck anything up.  

Now, there are other holidays that will further fuck up the Open Enrollment period, but that's neither here or there.  

Edited by Larry of the Lake
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16 minutes ago, DMC said:

Unless you're trying to sabotage the relationship, I think you do whatever the woman wants.  Or, actually in my experience, at least slightly more than what the woman expresses she wants.

I don't think it's sabotage to stand up for you want as well.  Doesn't work if you're dating a narcissicist but really nothing works there.  But "whatever she wants" as a formula sounds like a path to disaster too.  To thine own self...

11 minutes ago, Larry of the Lake said:

I suppose the "easiest" route would be to only start dating between February and April.  This way, by the time you get around to Valentine's day it's either so early that it's not serious, or it's been so long you know each other enough [that] potential expectations can't fuck anything up.  

Now, there are other holidays that will further fuck up the Open Enrollment period, but that's neither here or there.  

I'm a late March birthday myself, and to me, the ideal time to start a relationship is mid February.  But I'm kind of selfish.

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25 minutes ago, mcbigski said:

I don't think it's sabotage to stand up for you want as well.  Doesn't work if you're dating a narcissicist but really nothing works there.  But "whatever she wants" as a formula sounds like a path to disaster too.  To thine own self...

Well, obviously there are matters of degrees.  Just speaking from my vantage point as a guy who, like you, doesn't think the holiday has any actual meaning and I don't care to do anything.  And in my experience, even when the girlfriend says she agrees with this, it's still best to do something.

ETA:  Also, if someone is making "narcissistic" demands for Valentine's Day then I'm really not sure why you're in a relationship with them in the first place.  But like you said, to thine own self...

Edited by DMC
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I love Valentine's Day. I mean, any holiday is "just a random day". There is nothing inherently special about some random day in September that happens to be 365*n days since I was born, but it's special to me because I get to take that day to set aside time to celebrate my life. Thanksgiving is just a random day in November, but it's special to me because I get to take that day to make delicious food and spend time celebrating things I have to be grateful for. Valentine's Day is just a random day in February (a terrible shitty month that needs all the help it can get, btw), but it's special to me because I get to take that day to set aside time to celebrate love and romance.

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22 minutes ago, Starkess said:

but it's special to me because I get to take that day to set aside time to celebrate love and romance.

Which again, is a perfectly reasonable feeling that any partner should be more than willing to accommodate without immaturely feeling they have to "stand up for what they want as well."

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On 2/1/2022 at 3:27 PM, TheLastWolf said:

The silence tells me everybody is planning something big for Valentine's Day... 

No, it just means our dates got covid and we were unable to meet with them. :(

We were making plans for the 8th February, which is a national holiday here and there are more interesting things going on than on Valentine's Day. But I don't know if it will even be safe to meet with him by then. Or to go to any events on the 8th, because people and crowds and omicron. Boooo.

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I used to not like any and all holidays but I am now at the age when I welcome any excuse to celebrate the good things in life. That said, Valentine's was special for me when I was with my ex since my birthday is very close to the date :P

We got around the commercialization and marketing by agreeing to go out on the weekend after Feb 14 so the whole craziness and overpricing is gone by then. When this was not an option we took advantage of  Valentine's specials for couples so a nice date can be even nicer.

She didn't care for flowers so I got off free there. I just got her extra chocolates which didn't have to be in the heart-shaped or wrapped in red.

ps: I forgot how much effort it takes to write a coherent post. Must be the reason why I just lurked for years. HI everybody I used to know who are still around :D

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Is it a contrived holiday? Yes. Should you try and treat your significant other like every day is Valentine's Day? Also yes, within reason. And if the holiday means something to them, make sure you show them a good time, whether that's a super fancy night on the town or getting them their favorite take out and a bottle of cheap wine. Even if you're like me and want to roll your eyes at the whole thing that doesn't mean you can't also have a good time.

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1 hour ago, DMC said:

Unless you're trying to sabotage the relationship, I think you do whatever the woman wants.  Or, actually in my experience, at least slightly more than what the woman expresses she wants.

Word of wisdom. Valentines day is another endboss in the never ending dungeon crawl that is our life. You need to figure out how to slay it but it will respawn. Birthdays of wife, kids, your own birthday, wedding day, and many more special occasions will lurk in its shadows. So many special days...so exciting. 

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I don't think you can adequately examine the phenomena without putting it into a cultural and historic frame of reference.  To my perception there is an old fashioned duality wherein the man toils relentlessly to provide for the family and the woman toils relentlessly to nurture the family.

In my upbringing, dad toiled relentlessly to provide and in return he was the master of the household.  My mother toiled relentlessly and in return she got several days in the year in which she was treated specially.  Since she acted as a servant to the family, we all tried to convey some appreciation on those days.

In a more egalitarian world, maybe Feb 14 is an insignificant day with superficial connotations.  In some cases, Valentines is a time for a female power broker to demand tribute.  In the old fashioned framework, sometimes a woman just needs reassurance that she's not just a chump-- cooking and cleaning for a man who takes her entirely for granted. 

The price of flowers is not really the point.  If you are just buying flowers to shut her up and provide a token of affection that you don't really feel, you deserve to pay the price for roses.  If you want to make a point of showing her you love her, daffodils will work fine.  If you are in a relationship of mutual admiration and appreciation, the flowers are superfluous because you already demonstrate your love on a regular basis.

In other words, why not take a random day in the cold dark of winter to reconnect and enjoy each other?  If it's fake, it's fake and all the expense of observing the forms won't make either of you very happy.  If it's good all the time, there's no particular reason to conform to the cultural dictates.

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1 hour ago, Buckwheat said:

No, it just means our dates got covid and we were unable to meet with them. :(

We were making plans for the 8th February, which is a national holiday here and there are more interesting things going on than on Valentine's Day. But I don't know if it will even be safe to meet with him by then. Or to go to any events on the 8th, because people and crowds and omicron. Boooo.

Oh boy, that's too bad, but if it happened to a committed-in-a-relationship friend, single me would taunt him/her to my hearts satisfaction :devil:

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12 hours ago, mcbigski said:

What do you all think about valentines day?

It's definitely a hallmark holiday, but I never mind an excuse to celebrate. Especially when life can make being spontaneous hard, having a dedicated day can be nice. I like it.

Unless it comes at the very start of a relationship. Then it's a mindfuck of what's too much vs not enough.

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