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Dating thread - “OOPS! I Did It Again” edition


Chataya de Fleury
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1 hour ago, Raja said:

I've realized my awful texting habits are not conducive to meeting someone on dating apps! For my close friends & family, I feel like texting is just a way to make plans to meet up as opposed to having full conversations through texting, obviously with the apps I realize that it is different but people are *not* pleased that I haven't responded for 1-2 day.

All that being said, date this wednesday with someone with a terrible work schedule too, should be fun!

Raja -- be careful; Monkeypox.

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I don't post here much, but here goes:

I'm a happy bachelor bartender in my 40s. I started hooking up with a coworker, tale as old as time in my world. From the get go I made it clear that I was into fun nights, no commitment. Sex started hot then as we got comfortable, became incredible. As it goes, the craziest people are often the best in bed; this woman has never amicably left a job or relationship, and I'm not the most emotionally available guy myself. I have a platonic female best friend whom I speak to daily across the globe, and love more than most marriages, but I knew from the first fuck that this coworker and I were totally incompatible outside of the bedroom. Heck I don't even like going to bars with her, and we're both career bartenders.

We don't work together anymore, but kept hooking up. I continued to voice my disinterest in anything more; she started showing signs of real attachment. So I've tried to break it off a couple times, generally engaging in a flurry of angry or melancholy texts, then breaking down some night and agreeing to hook up again. The sex continues to be of the "best of my life" sort - alas for me it's hot *because* of the lack of strings attached (ties and cords notwithstanding). 

Anyway I broke it off yet again, sad to have to walk away from porno sex, but knowing she's only becoming more attached, and gets more and more upset every time. 

Although I'm a distant person emotionally, I truly don't want to hurt anyone with my actions. My nice Lets-Move-On texts are only met with "I just want you in my life" stuff. I'm usually the one giving relationship advice, but I have no idea how to walk away from this very memorable hookup without sending this woman into a downward spiral. Her last message to me sounded like I'd walked away from a 30 year marriage. 

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29 minutes ago, Argonath Diver said:

I don't post here much, but here goes:

I'm a happy bachelor bartender in my 40s. I started hooking up with a coworker, tale as old as time in my world. From the get go I made it clear that I was into fun nights, no commitment. Sex started hot then as we got comfortable, became incredible. As it goes, the craziest people are often the best in bed; this woman has never amicably left a job or relationship, and I'm not the most emotionally available guy myself. I have a platonic female best friend whom I speak to daily across the globe, and love more than most marriages, but I knew from the first fuck that this coworker and I were totally incompatible outside of the bedroom. Heck I don't even like going to bars with her, and we're both career bartenders.

We don't work together anymore, but kept hooking up. I continued to voice my disinterest in anything more; she started showing signs of real attachment. So I've tried to break it off a couple times, generally engaging in a flurry of angry or melancholy texts, then breaking down some night and agreeing to hook up again. The sex continues to be of the "best of my life" sort - alas for me it's hot *because* of the lack of strings attached (ties and cords notwithstanding). 

Anyway I broke it off yet again, sad to have to walk away from porno sex, but knowing she's only becoming more attached, and gets more and more upset every time. 

Although I'm a distant person emotionally, I truly don't want to hurt anyone with my actions. My nice Lets-Move-On texts are only met with "I just want you in my life" stuff. I'm usually the one giving relationship advice, but I have no idea how to walk away from this very memorable hookup without sending this woman into a downward spiral. Her last message to me sounded like I'd walked away from a 30 year marriage. 

DUDE - why walk away from this? Great sex does not happen often. 

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23 minutes ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

DUDE - why walk away from this? Great sex does not happen often. 

That's often what she brings up. She encourages quite the workout, whereas most of my ex lovers have been more of the quiet-but-intense type. That was a lot of the appeal for me, despite not really being compatible whatsoever outside of the bedroom. You're social - you know those people that go out and they immediately rub the whole staff the wrong way. That's her - and we're all industry. 

As the popular book from the 90s says, "He's just not that into you." When I meet a woman I'm truly attracted to - mind, body, and spirit all - I usually come on too strong early and the affair ends badly. She has strong feelings for me, I consider her something closer to a terrific tennis partner than a lover. If we could survive as a once-a-month fling with very little texting in between, I would be fine. We have a ton of mutual friends, and I'm trying to be amicable. Even in between the previous post, she has messaged me five times, twice cursing me out, one near-L-bomb, and now two straight thirsty texts. I just want to go watch the Cardinals game with my brother. Basically, the hot sex isn't worth all this bullshit.

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First, you picked a Baseball game over sex?! And great sex by your accounts. I mean baseball?! In terms of excitement this is arguably a step up on golf, but I am sure there's a youtube video out there, in which you can actually watch paint dry. 

On the other hand, in terms of breaking it off. Well, you could always induldge her and take the passengers seat in a relationship, and let her crash the car. Or you could just move to Minnesota. :leaving:

 

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1 hour ago, Argonath Diver said:

Strong advice. Alas I've already lived in Minnesota.

I appreciate the recommendations to continue with the hookups, but this woman is a Buckcherry song and I'm trying to change the station back to Led Zeppelin. 

I’m here to say that The Rolling Stones apply, in many cases: “you can’t always get what you want…”

But, ok, I respect your decision. Especially if you’re both in the industry, and she’s one of those people whom no one likes. I realize the importance of this, as I always frequent the same places - not only am I a creature of habit, but I also like to establish relationships with the servers. I’m that person who has the phone numbers of all the waitstaff at my favorite wine bar and they have my phone number. The people at my favorite pizza place have accidentally let me walk out on a tab, before, (I wasn’t paying attention; I was on the phone and legit thought I had paid) and they just saved the bill for the next time I came in. (Pretty sure that they usually call the cops when someone skips out on a tab, otherwise.) so - there are some people who are toxic, and should be avoided. It sounds like she may be one of them.

It’s a hard choice to make, for sure. You’re going to really have to make a clean break unless you want her to boomerang back to you. She might be the type who will still feel a lot of attachment to you until she finds someone else.

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2 hours ago, Argonath Diver said:

Strong advice. Alas I've already lived in Minnesota.

I appreciate the recommendations to continue with the hookups, but this woman is a Buckcherry song and I'm trying to change the station back to Led Zeppelin. 

I didn't mean hookups. I meant regular dating, let her get sick of you.  Is the key idea there. You are a guy, you will automatically screw up. Natural order of things and so on.

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1 hour ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

 

It’s a hard choice to make, for sure. You’re going to really have to make a clean break unless you want her to boomerang back to you. She might be the type who will still feel a lot of attachment to you until she finds someone else.

Honestly about 90% of writing all that out was because after a few years mildly keeping up with this thread, I knew you and a few others of the single women on this board might have some perspective like this. Thank you. I am, to a fault, someone who can step in and out of intimacy like a pair of slippers. I love living alone and am not looking for a life partner unless I'm completely, madly smitten. As far as I can tell, she's happier with someone in her life, no matter how toxic the relationship has become.

There's a huge secondary drama involving her ex-ish long distance boyfriend that's not worth a long aside other than that there's a realistic chance that if I pursued something real with her, this angry veteran (she's one too) will fly across the country to track me down. He only a week ago flew in just to bang on her door, police involved, all that. Like I said, she's just not someone I want close to me, despite our one specific shared interest.

Glad I got to stir some gossip in the dating thread after lurking through a lot of everyone else's! I hope you all find what you're looking for, and even though I haven't responded many times, I know a lot of people here have a shared support, and it's such a great thing to see.

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12 minutes ago, Argonath Diver said:

There's a huge secondary drama involving her ex-ish long distance boyfriend that's not worth a long aside other than that there's a realistic chance that if I pursued something real with her, this angry veteran (she's one too) will fly across the country to track me down. He only a week ago flew in just to bang on her door, police involved, all that. Like I said, she's just not someone I want close to me, despite our one specific shared interest.

 

Ok, I can see how that is sorta a deterrent to let the relationship fade away by natural means. Minnesota suddenly does sound like an appealing solution, doesn't it. 

27 minutes ago, Tywin et al. said:

Slow down. Germany is just Minnesota, Europe edition, if you included the Scandinavians.. 

Hum, should I have suggested Florida? You savage! There are standards. I mean even WITSEC wouldn't put him there. They'd ship him to some backwater town in WV or Oklahoma, which is still better than Florida. 

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18 minutes ago, Argonath Diver said:

 Like I said, she's just not someone I want close to me, despite our one specific shared interest.

I think you know what you need to do, i.e. get out of this. I know you said you don't want to hurt anyone, but I think you probably will do that if/ when you decide to end this. I think the coworker thing is the toughest bit, imo it's easy to move on if you're not seeing the person all the time.

Re: Texts - Maybe blocking the number? I dunno if you can do that since you work with this person but deleting someone's  contact info & blocking has helped me move on before.

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41 minutes ago, A Horse Named Stranger said:

Hum, should I have suggested Florida? You savage! There are standards. I mean even WITSEC wouldn't put him there. They'd ship him to some backwater town in WV or Oklahoma, which is still better than Florida. 

1. Fuck off, Florida, despite its many flaws, is still a lot better than WV or OK or Chat's worthless home state of ND. Miami is an amazing city if you've got the "energy" to party until the sun comes up. I almost decided to move their a few years ago and am still open to it.

2. You have still not answered my question from months ago. What is the Florida of Germany?

3. @Argonath Diver, I think you're overthinking this and may end up regretting splitting up. If she's cool with you being a bit independent, and is otherwise compatible plus great sex, why are you breaking it off? You're in your 40's bro, Goldilocks isn't waiting around the corner. Sounds like a situation a bit of compromising is worth doing for. Don't worry about the weird ex.

 

Edited by Tywin et al.
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