Phylum of Alexandria Posted May 18 Share Posted May 18 43 minutes ago, Tywin et al. said: She had a fight with her mom, but she didn't make it clear at first that they fight all the time, to the point she almost wants to cut her out of her life. I tried to tell her a similar story about my dad, but she felt like I was just trying to make things about me. Idk, I hope I can fix this, but I clearly pissed her off. I realize that I'm only going on the elevator version of one side of the story, but still, should you be expected to know the ins and outs of her personal life so soon? Obviously she's upset from her mom, but if she doesn't at any point apologize for taking her frustration out on you for stuff you shouldn't be expected to know so early on, I'd say that's a red flag. Tywin et al. and Madame deVenoge 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tywin et al. Posted May 19 Share Posted May 19 Idk, she told me she had a bad day so I asked why? Isn't it obvious is not a great response when it could be five different things. I don't want to say it's a red flag, but it's tough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mlle. Zabzie Posted May 19 Share Posted May 19 2 hours ago, Tywin et al. said: It's not a millennial thing. I'm just honest to a fault and sometimes that blows up in my face. I'm sure you've all seen in on here time after time. She had a fight with her mom, but she didn't make it clear at first that they fight all the time, to the point she almost wants to cut her out of her life. I tried to tell her a similar story about my dad, but she felt like I was just trying to make things about me. Idk, I hope I can fix this, but I clearly pissed her off. Honestly this is a communication style difference. I’ve now had years of therapy (alone and couples) to realize this. The husband person is like your lady friend. When he starts venting about an issue, what he really wants is a supportive listener. He doesn’t want advice, he doesn’t want “connecting through shared experiences”, he just wants someone to listen. He views the “connecting through shared experiences” as, in fact, minimizing his voice and belittling. This has to do with the way he grew up and how his family operated. I, on the other hand, LIKE the exchanging shared experiences version of venting. If I don’t get it, I feel like I’m being stonewalled and ignored and that the person doesn’t care to make the effort with me. That’s because of the way I grew up and how I operate. Both approaches are right and have value. Good luck - we’ve somehow been married 17 years, we still fight about this, but we at least don’t think the other person is wrong for having different needs around emotional communication. Tywin et al. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Madame deVenoge Posted May 19 Author Share Posted May 19 (edited) 2 hours ago, mcbigski said: That sort of trips my narcissist alarm. You're trying to note a similarity and she's mad that you're making it too much about you. Hard pass. I have also indicated a bit on hard pass via telephone call, but he’s more than a bit smitten. My advice is to set some boundaries; don’t let her control the dopamine with long conversations etc, etc. We shall see what develops. ETA - a therapist (as she is!) should know about communication style differences, and be attuned to herself enough to say, “hey, Ty, I hear what you are saying, and my understanding is that you are trying to relate to me, but I process things in this way, so although I appreciate the effort, if you could just listen in the future, I’d really find that more helpful.” Edited May 19 by Madame deVenoge Tywin et al. and Larry of the Lawn 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tywin et al. Posted May 19 Share Posted May 19 Looks like I'm probably back to the Losers' Lounge in need of a drink. Oh well. Such is life. This one will leave me scratching my head for a while, but all you can do is pick yourself up and try again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A Horse Named Stranger Posted May 19 Share Posted May 19 9 minutes ago, Tywin et al. said: Looks like I'm probably back to the Losers' Lounge in need of a drink. Oh well. Such is life. This one will leave me scratching my head for a while, but all you can do is pick yourself up and try again. Not meant as suggestion or anything (and yes, the translation is a C at best (stomach instead of belly etc.), but you'll get the general idea), but might cheer you up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tywin et al. Posted May 19 Share Posted May 19 12 minutes ago, A Horse Named Stranger said: Not meant as suggestion or anything (and yes, the translation is a C at best (stomach instead of belly etc.), but you'll get the general idea), but might cheer you up. Lol, it's not a bad song. My friend would play this when he failed. Thankfully he's happily married now: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toth Posted May 19 Share Posted May 19 2 hours ago, Tywin et al. said: Looks like I'm probably back to the Losers' Lounge in need of a drink. Oh well. Such is life. This one will leave me scratching my head for a while, but all you can do is pick yourself up and try again. For real? I'm still hoping somewhat it's still you being so taken aback that you are interpreting it in the worst possible way and she will come back apologizing after she calms down. Then again, this somehow sounds like... 90% of online dating exchanges where even the tiniest mistake in how you present yourself can get you shafted. If she's really interpreting trying to relate with personal experience as narcissism of someone she barely knows, I'm almost inclined to say good riddance. You don't want to walk on eggshells for the rest of your relationship. (though I'm now also taking note that it's apparently extremely common that people will be immediately suspicious because of this... god, it never surprises me how hard this all is) Phylum of Alexandria 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tywin et al. Posted May 19 Share Posted May 19 (edited) 1 hour ago, Toth said: For real? I'm still hoping somewhat it's still you being so taken aback that you are interpreting it in the worst possible way and she will come back apologizing after she calms down. Then again, this somehow sounds like... 90% of online dating exchanges where even the tiniest mistake in how you present yourself can get you shafted. If she's really interpreting trying to relate with personal experience as narcissism of someone she barely knows, I'm almost inclined to say good riddance. You don't want to walk on eggshells for the rest of your relationship. (though I'm now also taking note that it's apparently extremely common that people will be immediately suspicious because of this... god, it never surprises me how hard this all is) Apologize to me? Lol, no chance. She seems to want me to beg for forgiveness, and after I said I'm sorry several times crawl a bit more. Which I would have done even though, like Zabz said, we might be oil and water on something key. It fucking blows, but the sun will come out tomorrow. Edited May 19 by Tywin et al. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toth Posted May 19 Share Posted May 19 10 minutes ago, Tywin et al. said: Apologize to me? Lol, no chance. She seems to want me to beg for forgiveness, and after I said I'm sorry several times crawl a bit more. Which I would have done even though, like Zabz said, we might be oil and water on something key. It fucking blows, but the sun will come out tomorrow. Whoa! Yeah, better sleep this off and hopefully tomorrow you can laugh about the absurdity! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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