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Dating Thread: Total Eclipse of the Heart edition


Chataya de Fleury
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1 hour ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

Congrats!!!!!

Thanks :)  Now how to convince her to abandon the wedding in favor of a quickie version coupled with several weeks of resort life in the tropics...

 

And the Twins will get it next year. I can feel it. :P 

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17 minutes ago, Lightning Lord said:

Thanks :)  Now how to convince her to abandon the wedding in favor of a quickie version coupled with several weeks of resort life in the tropics...

 

And the Twins will get it next year. I can feel it. :P 

Tell her that the quickie version entails absolutely zero drama and that means that instead of spending money on a dress and a lot of stress, you get a couple weeks alone like royalty in a tropical paradise.


DISCLAIMER - Chataya wedding advice is best suited to the United States.

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8 hours ago, Lightning Lord said:

Thanks :)  Now how to convince her to abandon the wedding in favor of a quickie version coupled with several weeks of resort life in the tropics...

 

And the Twins will get it next year. I can feel it. :P 

If you go far enough you can still have some friends and family (the ones who will make the effort that you actually like) without the dross. 

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8 hours ago, Lightning Lord said:

Now how to convince her to abandon the wedding in favor of a quickie version coupled with several weeks of resort life in the tropics...

I failed to do so myself when I got married in 2004 (my parents offered us to finance our wedding or a trip to New Zealand) and I regret it wholeheartedly ever since, even after my marriage collapsed.

Congrats!

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10 hours ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

Tell her that the quickie version entails absolutely zero drama and that means that instead of spending money on a dress and a lot of stress, you get a couple weeks alone like royalty in a tropical paradise.


DISCLAIMER - Chataya wedding advice is best suited to the United States.

 

2 hours ago, BigFatCoward said:

If you go far enough you can still have some friends and family (the ones who will make the effort that you actually like) without the dross. 

 

2 hours ago, 3CityApache said:

I failed to do so myself when I got married in 2004 (my parents offered us to finance our wedding or a trip to New Zealand) and I regret it wholeheartedly ever since, even after my marriage collapsed.

Congrats!

Need to pass this all along. I wonder if I could tempt her with "We'll go to Italy if you promise we have fewer than thirty people and a ceremony under an hour."

Honestly, the trappings mean nothing to me. Her friends did big weddings, though, so likely we have to. I do think my definition of "big" is probably different from most, though?

Chats and BFC - for context, in case you've not pieced together my life story from years of extremely lurky posting: I live nearly as far away from my USA family as I can get and still be on land. So there will be little to no dross. Not even sure the non-dross will show, though I am giving them fair warning. I only intend to invite about ten or fifteen people for my side. It also means we can go really wild since the "tropical paradise" is literally underfoot or, if we're feeling adventurous, an hour or two flight in any direction.

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disclaimer...drunk post

totally on board with eloping. Mr Tyr and I eloped in Scotland. To all our friends and family in Canada, I just said hey, taking him to the homeland to meet my Nan and Paps. He'll do some mountain biking, mebeh meet some board peeps, etc. We got hitched two days after we landed with two of my friends in Glasgow as our witnesses. We had a two week trip scooting around Scotland, meeting BWeeBs irl for the first time, and a day/night in Dublin, and also a night in Belfast. Cost about 10g cdn, but a horrible awkward wedding at home would be worse (I was a server at a resort for six years and have been in a couple wedding parties. Don't do that to your friends!).

Also proposal was us after an xmas party, he was tipsy, which is very rare (pot head), i was super tipsy (not rare, wino), and I said "hey, we should just get married when we go to Scotland next summer". He said ok. And we slept. 15yrs later...love his guts <3

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I don’t know what it is, but I am constantly super terrified that the Doctor will leave me. My objective mind knows that this is a ridiculous insecurity. 

My subconscious has other ideas. 

We are going to Portugal and Spain over US Thanksgiving, so clearly, my subconscious is just influenced by…I dunno…past history? Childhood fears of abandonment? 

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2 hours ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

We are going to Portugal and Spain over US Thanksgiving, so clearly, my subconscious is just influenced by…I dunno…past history? Childhood fears of abandonment? 

I still have dreams where I'm gonna fail a test or class or something even though I've been teaching for over a decade now.  The subconscious is weird.

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3 hours ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

I don’t know what it is, but I am constantly super terrified that the Doctor will leave me. My objective mind knows that this is a ridiculous insecurity. 

My subconscious has other ideas. 

We are going to Portugal and Spain over US Thanksgiving, so clearly, my subconscious is just influenced by…I dunno…past history? Childhood fears of abandonment? 

I get that when I have true feelz for the person - vulnerability is scary, and it’s a “oh, I would feel a large loss if this person exited my life, but fuck, I have no control over them if that’s what they do”.  Traveling internationally with someone is a perfect relationship barometer and way to see different sides of a person, I hope it is amazing!

 

Finally had a date with Miss V (after a lot of schedules not lining up), saw an open mic and then had the STARS talk - everything was still wonderfully compatible and had an awesome time.  We’re going to try and go to a club in 2 weeks - lots of possibilities that I haven’t even considered in 2.5 years. It feels exciting and new.

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Posting this here because I don't know where else to and it's been weighing on my mind for awhile now. 

Some time ago I hooked up with a very good friend.  Let's call her Betty?  We have not done this again or mentioned it or discussed it all.  Trouble is, her boyfriend (how about Ronald?) is also a really good friend, probably my closest male friend I've had in years. 

It just sort of happened, we were at a social gathering that everyone else had either left or fallen asleep at and just started making out.  We were under the influence of a variety of drugs.  We left the premises and fooled around a bit more.

I'd always gotten the impression that they were not strictly monogamous since I've known them, though I can't claim to know any details, but over the last few months they seem to be 100% monogamous, are planning on having a child in the next couple years, have a bunch of material involvements outside the relationship, etc.  

I have no one to talk to about this.  These people are close enough to everyone I'm close to that I can't talk about it.  Betty and I agreed in the moment that we would never discuss this and pretend it never happened.  There have since been a few ambiguous moments where I feel like it could have happened again but I haven't pursued that at all.

I don't think things have been awkward or that any of our other friends/family have noticed anything.  

My friendship with both of them is very important to me  and I do not want to ever put it in jeopardy again.  I've tried to be very thorough in my head about Betty being unavailable to prevent this from happening again.  

Thought I could bury this, but needed to get it off my chest, because I have been feeling very guilty about it.  I guess my concern is that I put two very valued friendships at risk.  On a lesser note I'm wondering if there was anything beyond just physical attraction, behavior-wise, that contributed to this that I can avoid going forward.   I am pretty flirty with people I'm close to and don't want to send mixed signals.  There doesn't seem to have been much confusion about that. 

 Betty and I have not spoken about this at all, not a single word since it happened, which in my mind I think is making a bigger deal out of it than needs to be? like we buried a body together or soemthing.  I'm also very, very, hesitant to bring it up because she is in a much more precarious position about this whole thing and would deal with an entirely different sort of consequences in her life than me if anyone found out about this.

I've been having dreams about this, just needed to say this somewhere.  Tried writing it down in a journal a month ago but it didn't change anything.   

 

tldr: I fucked around with a monogamous relationship between two of my best friends and have felt like shit since and am hoping writing it here will bring me some sleep

 

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16 minutes ago, Larry of the Lake said:

: I fucked around with a monogamous relationship between two of my best friends and have felt like shit since and am hoping writing it here will bring me some sleep

Hope it does! You aren't going to do it again, that's clear. You have complete control over that.  Nobody's perfect, even with our dearest friends and other loved ones.  But your other anxiety must also be about Betty -- if at some point she is too much under influences, that she may 'tell,'  your best friend.  That you have no control over.  

All my sympathies going forward.

 

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5 hours ago, Larry of the Lake said:

tldr: I fucked around with a monogamous relationship between two of my best friends and have felt like shit since and am hoping writing it here will bring me some sleep

This is a tough spot, friend. I hope writing it down has helped.

People will probably disagree with  me on this, but imo, it would be very difficult for me not to say something to Richard. I would feel hella guilty about it, especially when being around him & them - and especially if he's my closest friend. 

However, like you rightly mention, it could royally fuck things up wtih Betty & his relationship. Maybe I would speak to her and then speak to him - I dunno. So I totally get that not being an option at all because messing things up for a couple because of one's guilt is probably not great either.

I once made out with my flatmate's gf in similar-ish circumstances - I ended up coming clean to him. He moved out & we drifted apart but they stayed together. Eventually they broke up but that was years after.

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Genuinely not sure what the right course of action is for Larry. 

Personally, I'd take the the dishonourable chicken course of action, and tell myself it's for Betty to eventually tell Ron (assuming she considers it relevant enough (no offense)). Ofc. that's the proverbial bomb waiting to explode for Larry. The argument in favour of the chicken action is, their relationship is not for Larry to blow up. But it's kinda tough to come up with good solutions, after the proverbial proverbial horse has already bolted. (or the proverbial child already fallen into the well, if you prefer a less horse oriented idiom).

Edited by A Horse Named Stranger
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I agree with Pferd. It happened once and hasn't come back up. Relitigating it will only complicate all three of your lives, theirs worse than yours, and if they're good right now and planning a future together best just pretend it never happened.

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Let it go.  Really don't ever do anything with any of your guy friends' girls, and likewise not with exes, unless it's totally clear that the break was his call.  There are other options.  Explore them.

It really doesn't matter if it was more your fault or her fault.  If he's actually your friend, and there wasn't a clear a priori understanding that they are in an open relationship then you acted like a child with no self control.  

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