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NFL 2022 Week 1: Leviathans in Fall

Jace, Extat

By Jace, Extat,
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Maithanet Council Member

Maithanet

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It was a bafflingly stupid decision to only rush 2 against Murray on that 2 point conversion.  One of the guys is a DT and clearly not fast enough to catch him anyway.  Murray + 5 linemen against 2 pass rushers could probably hold the ball for a full minute without being tackled.  You can definitely see that both the guys chasing him are completely gassed by the end of the play. 

I guess they rushed 3 initially, but I think the third guy must have dropped into coverage because he drops out of the screen after a couple seconds. 

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Jace, Extat Council Member

Jace, Extat

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From 22March'22

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Chris Ballard is a frog faced fuckboi who makes QB decisions with the astuteness and alacrity of a recently run over child who has only ever witnessed football through a haze of vape smoke while breast feeding from Whitney Houston. 

 

Item 1, 2017. First year as GM. Scott Tolzien starts week one, because Luck was never gonna play. Colts had to trade for Jacoby, who starts remaining 15 games because YOU HAD SCOTT TOLZIEN ON YOUR ROSTER YOU FROG FACED FUCKBOI

Item 1.5, 2018. He drafted a guard at 6. This isn't even a QB criticism. But what a fuckwit. Seriously, was this man born with a pile of shit where his brain should have been? I would have retired too. 

Item 2, 2019. With Jacoby Brissett on the roster. Making next to nothing. The Colts gave him a ten million dollar raise and guaranteed a further 20 MILLION DOLLARS the following year to Jacoby Brissett in the week following Luck's retirement. I've seen more creative ways to set thirty million dollars on fire but it usually involves an aging billionaire, a tiny cock, and a big ass rocket; Chris Ballard gave me Jacoby Brissette, which is somehow even more pathetic and destructive towards the earth.

Item 3, 2020. You could have had Tom Brady. What you did have is a Philip Rivers who literally lost you a playoff game (go watch that last drive. It's fucking pathetic. TY Hilton is laying out on TEN YARD CURLS trying to come back for these ducks because Phil couldn't get the ball outside the numbers. The Colts got the ball back before the two minute warning and BARELY CROSSED MIDFIELD. You could have had Tom Brady, who was paid like 27 million for the year. Jacoby Brissette is paid 20 million dollars to be a fucking cheerleader, and truth be told he makes for a fine mascot. He's a good dude. Good job, Mr. Fuckboi. You have found and retained the most visible and likeable cheerleader in the league. You wouldn't fucking believe how many times a game they would cut to this broad grinned, cheek dimpled, handsome ass motherfucker standing on the sidelines with an earpiece in and lookin' happier than a hound dog with a horse's johnson. And why wouldn't he be? That's a rich, rich, man. Meanwhile, I loved the Phillip Rivers experiment. Because I'm a psycho and I like it when it hurts. The pure novelty of this man. This terror on my dreams, coming to Indy when he was so clearly washed... I loved it. But Chris Ballard, this walking jinx who never saw a gopher hole he wouldn't trip into, actually seemed to think that like he'd done a good thing. And, like, actually tried to bring this tired-armed, loose-around-the-joints, can't-keep-it-up-long-enough-to-throw, Quarterback back when the dude ain't fit to close out a game of slow pitch. The Fuck is wrong with you, man? Is this one of those two fetus' situation where one eats the other? Because I think Chris Ballard's unborn twin managed to eat his brain shortly before being devoured itself in an act of brainless revenge. It's not a medical theory, but I think it helps explain some of these decisions...

Item 4, 2021. You balked at Matt Stafford. Something people have kind of forgotten is that the Rams had to essentially pay an extra 1st round pick to get rid of Jared Goff. It's more complicated than that, the picks the Rams were sending were both in years to come, which dilutes their value, but the point is that Stafford probably could have been gotten for a 1 and some significant change. Instead you paid a 1 and significant change for Carson Wentz. I can't think of a meaner thing to say.

Item 5, 2022. After all this, this era of salt and ash that can be looked back on only as the results of a madman's ministrations against the goodly order and harmoniousness of a happy universe, you traded for Matt Ryan? Why? 

He won't run the offense from under center, he will want it out of shotgun like Rivers did. Going under center now will be a run giveaway. His arm wasn't washed last year, but it could literally go tomorrow, he's at that age and it has been declining for several years. You're gonna be stuck in spread shotgun again. YOU HAVE NO RECEIVERS. You built your team to condense and run downhill. Now you have to run everything out of shotgun, with a mud footed QB, and you also have no LT. 

So now the way your QB plays is directly in opposition to how your offense is geared to play. Good job. And today they just adjusted his contract to give him guaranteed money next year... For no reason. His salaries the next two years weren't guaranteed, which at least protects you if he gets hurt or his arm falls off. So taking away that protection for yourself seems like something Ballard probably couldn't resist. No doubt he saw his financial freedom as a form of sin, a contraceptive against which his fury knew no bounds and with which he could not bear. The mind of a madman is mad.

In no particular order:

1)Mahomes

2)Watson

3)Wilson

4)Allen

5)Jackson

6)Burrow

7)Herbert

8)Carr

9) Tannehill

10) Ryan

 

Just an idle catalogue:

1) Missouri Chiefs 

2) Bills

3) Chargers

4) Browns/(Watson, whose suspension will be moderate)

5) Broncos

6) Titans

7) Ravens

8) Bengals

9) Raiders

10) Colts 

You can quibble about where a particular team lines up or where a QB might fall on my little lists, but I don't think anyone's gonna try to tell me the Colts have better than the tenth best QB and tenth best team in the division. That's only three spots out from a playoff berth and another visit to Buffalo!

Mediocrity sells. 

Just sayin'

 

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Jace, Extat Council Member

Jace, Extat

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It's so much more fun to watch Jacoby Brissette mosey into pressure when he's playing for a team you despise. 

Nobody takes the snap like Jacoby. He drops back to pass with all the alacrity and enthusiasm of a smoker wrapping up his break.

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Rhom Council Member

Rhom

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Just now, Tywin et al. said:

Handing out an ass whipping, more accurately. There's the kid I expect to win multiple MVPs. 

I just hope this cools the constant fellating the national media feels they must give Herbert.

Either that or it gets worse as they talk about how he took pain injections before the game and roughed it out:  “He’s a gamer!!!”

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