Mental Wellbeing 3 - Can we fix it?

[Toth]

Since the old one was locked, I guess it's fitting if I for once start a new one and using it to tell the tale of my next step to some self-fixing.

I bought this book here to try out its Mindfulness program: https://images.thalia.media/00/-/4edad5defefb436b8d3fc35325204d4d/mindfulness-taschenbuch-mark-williams-englisch.jpeg

It is... certainly interesting. The first ten pages were a bit of a drag as it kept emphasizing again and again and again and again that this is all proven and will definitely help. Since it is proven that it is helping, so you can be rest assured that it is going to help. Then it goes into the interesting tidbits. The first daily meditation routine is one where you only for a minute sit erect, close your eyes and focus on your breathing and only your breathing, acknowledging thoughts wandering in and letting them pass without allowing them to "take root" so to speak.

The explanation for that I found the most interesting. It says intrusive thoughts are a primeval survival reflex gone haywire, with our brain looking for similar thoughts in our memories and matching them to a current situation. However when those memories are bad, they tend to attract more and more of similar ones as our mind jumps from one bad thought to the next and that drags down our mood and even triggers our flight reflexes when this has gone on for too long, causing us to stress and tire out. The book therefore recommends to become aware of those thoughts and... letting them pass without acknowledging them in the slightest. I was already aware that... not listening to intrusive thoughts is essentially at the very core of all strategies to fix yourself, but I found that explanation why they are a natural aspect of life very eye-opening and giving me a lot more motivation to try earnestly.

The next chapter then was about positive triggers behaving the same way, happy memories brightening our day the same way negative ones drag us down. They also mention again that story that I already knew about how even a forced smile could make us feel more at ease this way. Amusingly, I... kind of wanted try that out in practice right away. A little. By smiling slightly the entire way from the train station to the school. At first I must admit I felt... really weird and self-conscious, even tense as I noticed I changed my posture reflexively. Enough even to get a tingling sensation in my spine for some reason. Halfway through my mouth started to ache even though I wasn't smiling all that much. I also noticed I got bombarded with flashbacks to classmates telling me to stop smiling, perceiving it as an attack or just finding it ugly. Now doing that mindfulness thing, I just completely ignored them and let them pass.

Some observations: First, that somehow caused me to be more conscious of other people's expressions... apparently I also suppressed my reflex to avoid looking into people's faces to avoid them feeling uncomfortable about meeting eyes. And... oh well, I did note how deeply entrenched the scowling of most people on the street was, however I did also note that it wasn't directed at me despite me feeling like I'm walking around like Mr. Bean. I also did note when arriving at school, how... most of my colleagues actually had donned an eerily similar smile to my own that I hadn't noticed before, notably even keeping their expression up while complaining about shit.

Later on I kept "emptying" my mind and letting any and all thoughts just fizzle out as much as possible. I must admit... I'm really not used to it. It actually kind of did feel relaxing and I'm maybe imagining things, but I did feel like my head wasn't working as hard as it usually does, it felt like taking a break mentally. Which... scares me a little, I must frankly admit. During surveillance duty I heard students try to make fun of me and my mind was empty. Later on my way home an old woman stumbled and fell trying to cross the street and my mind was empty. A large amount of police cars rushed past me and my mind was empty. The book says that you can gain a lot of "active" time switching your brain from "Doing Mode" to "Being Mode" and just taking in your surroundings instead of thinking about things. I have the odd realization that thinking about lots of shit all the time is a big part of what make me myself and since the intrusive voice shit-talking me narratives my entire life, silencing it leaves me with nothing. That... I fear makes me dull. Which is odd, because the book stresses that "Doing Mode" is autopilot, even though I use it as the basis of all my decision making and that "Being Mode" should help you make conscious decisions, while mine so far just makes me space out. For example the time I had spent meditating was time I usually would have used to go through the motions of my next lessons mentally to make to prepare myself what I will say and how. Something I didn't do and I must admit today's lessons felt a lot more frontal and a lot worse in terms of time management because of that. Then of course the above mentioned instances of me just... seeing stuff happening around me, taking in the pictures, but not having any thought processes to spare to react to them in any sensible way. I... suppose that's why the next lessons all incorporate a "routine breaker" where you are supposed to break out of autopilot and experience things slightly differently while still in the mindfulness mode, which I hope helps striking a balance between ruminations and becoming a vegetable. Up until then I don't think my rather extreme interpretation at the moment is particularly wise, even though the book went to great lengths to explain how a lot of ruminations originate in our brain getting tasked to solve problems that can't be solved straight away and then just going for a loop of negative associations.

Interestingly the book then gave a long explanation of the factors that make one mentally resilient: Having a sense of coherence, comprehensibility, manageability and meaningfulness in my tasks. Which... I have I guess. Those are things I am valuing when using my work as a sense of purpose. So I guess it confirms why I think I'm still high-functioning despite my anxiety.

Of course the moment of truth came when I arrived home. My mother arrived shortly thereafter and immediately berated me for bringing out the garbage too early when I arrived and then went on about why I never listen and then some other stuff. So... I emptied my mind again and kept it blank throughout the onslaught, but I in doing so felt a hot bubbling in my gut that I can't even try to categorize. It's not like I wouldn't have been this passive otherwise, but the way I now went about it, I felt both passive and... quite dim.

But given how I had already made some interesting observations, I will keep at it. We will see how this changes me after eight weeks...

Edited May 2, 2023 by Toth

[Zorral]

I don't know if this belong here, but I'll give it a go.

Exiting our local wine and spirits store, there was a lady who asked me to buy her vodka. Sh said she was 42 years old, clearly homeless, though as clean and neat as she could be, despite her missing teeth. 

Someone entered the store during that conversation in which I learned what she was asking, while all sorts of thoughts chased through my mind, and deciding I'd do it.

When I re-entered the store, the two guys who'd heard the conversation when they were coming in, laughed at me for being a sucker.

It was starting to rain.  She has no home.  This world is so heartless.  More than the vodka, I am guessing what might mean something to her was that somebody SAW her.

Maybe she was having dental pain. Vodka is good for that, I know, at least for a while.

I feel so weird, so sad, so depressed.

[dog-days]

There are a lot of rough sleepers and people with obvious drug and/or alcohol problems where I live. On the main street on Friday, someone approached me to ask for change for a sandwich. I didn't have any change, but did offer to buy him a sandwich. So he led me to Costa and I got him a blueberry shake thing (blergh – his request), toasted sandwich and protein bar. 

He also asked me for money to help him get space for a B&B that night, and I said I was sorry, I couldn't. Awkwardly, I had already mentioned that I was saving for a deposit, which I know is a really stupid and in some ways mean thing to do. In my defence, I was in a low mood and had lost whatever ability I had to compartmentalise or make polite small talk, so what slipped out was my monomania of the last couple of years. 

Just one of those endless selfish decisions that have to be made when you want something badly for yourself. Guess if you scale it up large enough, you get to be a Tory MP. 

@Poobah, I haven't seen you around much on the forum recently. Are things going alright? 

[Raja]

4 hours ago, dog-days said:

I didn't have any change, but did offer to buy him a sandwich. So he led me to Costa and I got him a blueberry shake thing (blergh – his request), toasted sandwich and protein bar.

You're doing the best you can man, don't be too hard on yourself.

[Poobah]

6 hours ago, dog-days said:

@Poobah, I haven't seen you around much on the forum recently. Are things going alright? 

Hey, I don't have the spoons right now for a full update; was very unwell physically for a while over winter and my mental health has been in the gutter lately but still plodding along. Mostly just wanted to reply to say that, pathetic as it may sound, it really meant a lot to me that someone remembered I existed and cared enough to check in. I often feel invisible and seeing your ping had a noticeably positive impact on my day so thank you.

[Raja]

14 minutes ago, Poobah said:

 I often feel invisible and seeing your ping had a noticeably positive impact on my day so thank you.

Take care, friend. Defo appreciate your posts in the UK politics threads

[dog-days]

14 minutes ago, Poobah said:

Hey, I don't have the spoons right now for a full update; was very unwell physically for a while over winter and my mental health has been in the gutter lately but still plodding along. Mostly just wanted to reply to say that, pathetic as it may sound, it really meant a lot to me that someone remembered I existed and cared enough to check in. I often feel invisible and seeing your ping had a noticeably positive impact on my day so thank you.

Sometimes plodding along is the best we can do. I hope things improve for you anon. I enjoy seeing your name pop up on the board because it's always attached to a post worth reading!

[Phylum of Alexandria]

On 5/2/2023 at 3:20 PM, Toth said:

It is... certainly interesting. The first ten pages were a bit of a drag as it kept emphasizing again and again and again and again that this is all proven and will definitely help. Since it is proven that it is helping, so you can be rest assured that it is going to help.

Hey, they gotta sell the things! I will say that, as part of my previous job as a military research analyst, I looked into the evidence for mindfulness therapy's effectiveness in improving various aspects of mental health, and the short answer is that it's pretty well supported. All in all, the effects for reducing stress and improving wellbeing were on the more modest side, but improvements were found consistently across several meta-analyses of multiple study results sets.

That said, I think your touch of skepticism is sensible. What's not really been established in terms of scientific evidence is what particular aspects and implementations of a mindfulness regimen make for effective training. Where this particular author stands is also unclear, but you gotta start somewhere, right?

On 5/2/2023 at 3:20 PM, Toth said:

Later on I kept "emptying" my mind and letting any and all thoughts just fizzle out as much as possible. I must admit... I'm really not used to it. It actually kind of did feel relaxing and I'm maybe imagining things, but I did feel like my head wasn't working as hard as it usually does, it felt like taking a break mentally. Which... scares me a little, I must frankly admit.

I think that's normal to feel like the practice is unusual and not yourself. Even if it feels less effortful in terms of frustration or caloric demand, it's still a training where you get better and better at integrating the experience into your life and your sense of self. The brain works like a muscle in that sense, and your mindfulness muscle probably just needs more practice, as does mine.

Not exactly the same thing, but I have recently started to try to get my lifestyle closer to what it was before the pandemic. I realized just how much media I've been consuming, pretty much non-stop throughout the day. Work is at home and less structure, full of interruptions; chores are done listening to podcasts or audiobooks, I'll even check my favorite online hangouts when I'm watching a movie. It's just eaten away at my attention span. But it's not easy to change cold turkey, so I've been trying to make some small changes first. Make conscious efforts to do some things with nothing playing and enjoy the silence. Do one things and commit to it for a time, don't "multitask." Read a physical book.

I've still got a ways to go, and I can't say that my monkey mind is any less frantic at this point, but I already appreciate the changeup. Just the effort to impose more structure and more quiet is something. I'll keep at it.

 

[Theda Baratheon]

In some ways I have come leaps and bounds and other ways not so much. I think I’ve finally realised I need to genuinely seek an ADHD diagnosis though. It isn’t just something that tiktok or social media has made me think I have over the last two years, it’s something I’ve been thinking about on and off for most of my life. If I don’t have it then fine but I’m trying to make 2023 the year I take care of myself physically, mentally, emotionally and I just really need to know this about myself now. 

[dog-days]

1 hour ago, Madame deVenoge said:

I’ve had some anxiety issues recently (dealable with breathing exercises) before that severe panic attack and anxiety stuff with severe insomnia that I was able to control mid - March / April but I needed some chemical help (Xanax, Zolpidam) to do it. I had to quit drinking in March and April to make sure that my panic attacks weren’t worse or have any rebound anxiety from alcohol or any medication interference.

The Doctor was fairly unaware of this or brushed it off, but it was a really horrible time for me.
 

 

I'm sorry you've been going through that – anxiety is awful. I know I got very frustrated with myself about it when it was bad for me last year because in theory, I was healthy and yet at the same time I was physically ill. 

Hope it sods off to wherever anxiety goes when it's not taking any excuse to mess things up for people. The primrose retirement home for arsehole mind-body encumbrances. 

[BigFatCoward]

On 5/7/2023 at 2:37 PM, dog-days said:

There are a lot of rough sleepers and people with obvious drug and/or alcohol problems where I live. On the main street on Friday, someone approached me to ask for change for a sandwich. I didn't have any change, but did offer to buy him a sandwich. So he led me to Costa and I got him a blueberry shake thing (blergh – his request), toasted sandwich and protein bar. 

He also asked me for money to help him get space for a B&B that night, and I said I was sorry, I couldn't. Awkwardly, I had already mentioned that I was saving for a deposit, which I know is a really stupid and in some ways mean thing to do. In my defence, I was in a low mood and had lost whatever ability I had to compartmentalise or make polite small talk, so what slipped out was my monomania of the last couple of years. 

Just one of those endless selfish decisions that have to be made when you want something badly for yourself. Guess if you scale it up large enough, you get to be a Tory MP. 

@Poobah, I haven't seen you around much on the forum recently. Are things going alright? 

My officers have to deal with thousands of vulnerable kids, there is no way we can possibly save them all.  All I tell them is try your best and maybe you can help out 1 or 2%.  If that's all you can do, its enough. 

I give what I can to a food bank charity, could I give more, obviously.  But then where does it end, I'm not going to beat myself up over it, I'd rather beat a tory up instead. 

Edited May 10, 2023 by BigFatCoward

[Zorral]

12 hours ago, Madame deVenoge said:

I had to quit drinking in March and April to make sure that my panic attacks weren’t worse or have any rebound anxiety from alcohol or any medication interference.

Which, as you know, was wise  Ourselves, when things get bad, halting the bottle of wine with dinner (and, for Partner, cannibis) is the first thing we do, as with pandemic lockdown, because, as you say, the combo of depression and anxiety and panic will, as you say, only get worse with these things.  I didn't drink anything for nearly year, or start listening again to NPR or reading news sites of any kind until after the 2020 election (I got the news anyway, here and from other people.  I exercised, hid in history of long ago, cooked like a mad woman for all kinds of people as well as us.  I was privileged too, that I could do that!

Lordessa knows what the pandemic did to that woman outside our liquor store.  She surely didn't have the comfy lock down until vaccines that I did.  And the first medical thing after that I did was see our dentist for a checkup and cleaning.

 

[dog-days]

21 hours ago, BigFatCoward said:

...beat a tory up instead. 

Beating up a Tory increasingly feels as if it should be prescribed by the NHS. 

[RhaenysBee]

here’s a positive bit of mental health story, because once in a blue moon I’m capable of generating those in my life too.

I made friends with the elderly gentlemen at radiation therapy. The way to make friends with elderly gentlemen, I find, is to be able to give directions to lost patients better than them. They are really adorable people and since we started chatting they no longer look at me like I have two heads. Because the first time I walk through a hospital door and meet new patients, especially male patients, there’s always this disbelieving shock on their face which morphs into pain and then into discomfort. But now we made friends I can chat to them and be cheerful and nice and they don’t feel bad for me and we are just people in the same boat. And that’s beautiful and it gives me life and I hope it gives all of us life. My most favorite and comforting activity at this point is making friends with fellow patients. Because nobody understands the way we understand one another. 
 

 

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

Ha! I've written here before that I love giving gifts, but don't really like receiving them. Then my mom gives me a framed picture of when I was young with my dad, one of a few that exists and it melted my heart. Which is made all the funnier because I sent @Madame deVenoge a few pics of my grandfather and great uncle yesterday. Life can be silly, but that's not a bad thing.

Edited May 11, 2023 by Tywin et al.

[Zorral]

8 hours ago, RhaenysBee said:

My most favorite and comforting activity at this point is making friends with fellow patients. Because nobody understands the way we understand one another. 

This so particularly resonates with me: yesterday a person near and dear underwent a 12-hour surgery for rectal cancer, after a year of chemo, that included getting covid in the treatment unit with her first dose, an eye operation due to a side effect of chemo treatment that kept her unable to see/read for weeks as it healed.  What she's going through ... you are so right I cannot understand, no matter how much I care about what she's enduring.  Thank you for posting that.

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

Really enjoyed helping my step-father get to the ER again on my fucking birthday in the middle of the night when all I wanted to do was watch this stupid Renfield movie. I cannot catch a break. And I might get fired when I call in again to work tomorrow. What a wonderful life.

[RhaenysBee]

16 hours ago, Zorral said:

This so particularly resonates with me: yesterday a person near and dear underwent a 12-hour surgery for rectal cancer, after a year of chemo, that included getting covid in the treatment unit with her first dose, an eye operation due to a side effect of chemo treatment that kept her unable to see/read for weeks as it healed.  What she's going through ... you are so right I cannot understand, no matter how much I care about what she's enduring.  Thank you for posting that.

Take comfort in knowing that she knows you care and support her as best as you can even if you can’t understand, which gives just as much strength as talking to people who do understand. The warmest wishes for healing and recovery and strength to your friend <3 even from across the globe we who are in some form of this plight stand by her in spirit. 

Edited May 12, 2023 by RhaenysBee

[Zorral]

4 hours ago, RhaenysBee said:

even from across the globe we who are in some form of this plight stand by her in spirit. 

I remain humbled by my friends who have been going through prolonged, painful maladies and treatments in the last years.  Their courage, their spirit are literally awesome. When, in moments, they admit to being frightened, all I can do is say, "Of course you are, let me grab your hand and hang on." 

[Toth]

Oh shit, I had a really bad anxiety episode this morning and completely blacked out for most of the day. Couldn't correct any of my exams that I wanted to have corrected till Wednesday. Fuck...

I guess I really need to get my shit together and start my mindfulness routines earnestly. Because if I really need to calm myself, my inner voice is just becoming sentient. So basically I had a free day that I wanted to use for my preparation for the week and exam correction that would be neat to have finished until Wednesday, but at the same time my mother also got to go to her work much later, which resulted in her bustling around like usual and me interrupting myself at each turn.

So I lean back, close my eyes and focus on my breath while trying to let pass all those thoughts about intense loneliness, nearing self-imposed deadlines, stuff that I'd like to prepare, wondering why I barely got anything done on the weekend... and then, especially in regards to my loneliness, my inner voice literally just said: "You know, we REALLY WANT to think through this, you can't ignore me forever!"

I tried to outlast the voice, but obviously my mother interrupted me again as she seemed to have taken to need my clock on my desk to know what time it is and check it every minute to see whether she can still get her bus. And that was enough for me to loose that sparring contest and I was left ruminating for most of the day as I was slowly crawling through my prep work. In the end, so far, I haven't managed a single exam.

In the end I guess I'm just addicted to misery...

Edited May 15, 2023 by Toth