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Mental Wellbeing 3 - Can we fix it?


Toth
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39 minutes ago, Madame deVenoge said:

@Toth - have you seen a doctor or psychiatrist? Perhaps considering some medication might be an option?

No. Can't afford the career consequences of doing that. I have to get a grip on my own, at least until I have my civil servant status. Though I really don't know what is going on with me. I never felt this badly before. Usually three days without social contact aren't affecting me like this.

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1 hour ago, Toth said:

No. Can't afford the career consequences of doing that. I have to get a grip on my own, at least until I have my civil servant status. Though I really don't know what is going on with me. I never felt this badly before. Usually three days without social contact aren't affecting me like this.

If you feel there are career consequences, couldn't you see a private MD and pay out of pocket so it isn't on your insurance?  If you don't tell anyone and it isn't on any work insurance information, how would your colleagues know or not?

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7 hours ago, Toth said:

Oh shit, I had a really bad anxiety episode this morning and completely blacked out for most of the day.

Just to echo some comments here, I think it might be reasonable to see your doctor/ GP. If you are wary about having medication prescribed etc, there are other options if your mental health issues are related to anxiety. It might be reasonable to at least see a General Practioner/ Family doctor for this, and just because you see them it doesn't commit you to anything, including medication.

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I would also caution against "self-help" as a replacement for medical help, from which it sounds like you might benefit.  Mindfulness meditation does have some certain uncanny resemblances to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and there is plenty of research to suggest that some of the basic benefits of a meditation practise may be useful to a person to help manage anxiety or OCD, but there is danger in heading down that path without guidance beyond whatever source material you have chosen (I have not read the book you link to in your OP so I cannot speak to its value as source material).  If you are thrusting yourself into the serious business of changing the way that you think, I would recommend some sort of supervision (beyond an internet message board).  If you are determined to attempt to use meditation/mindfulness instead of medical help, then I would say that you should at the very least join a local meditation group of some sort.   I can see from your OP that you may already have some misconceptions about mindfulness which might hinder your progress or, possibly, work against you.  A meditation teacher or group is very handy in clearing these things up.

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8 hours ago, Cas Stark said:

If you feel there are career consequences, couldn't you see a private MD and pay out of pocket so it isn't on your insurance?  If you don't tell anyone and it isn't on any work insurance information, how would your colleagues know or not?

That could probably work, but I'm weighing this against me having to save up a ton of money to buy a house for me and my mother so that I finally can get more privacy, which in turn solves a lot of the issues I currently have that can't be fixed by just changing my mindset. If it gets really bad, I will think about this.

6 hours ago, Madame deVenoge said:

How does that work in Germany? 

In the US, the only career where prescribed medications would have negative repercussions would be as a pilot, and that’s only for as long as one is taking the medication. (This applies to private pilots, as well, they can’t fly while on any medications). 

The thing is, as a teacher I am applying to civil servant status, which comes with a hefty long-term increase in pay and pensions. But you have to get certified by a medical doctor who also combs through your medical history to prove that you won't make it until retirement. Technically seeking help for mental help isn't a guaranteed exclusion criteria anymore, but if you ask around there are still plenty of horror stories of teachers having seen therapists only once to bridge a rough spot in their lives and having to fight costly legal battles because that was used against them. Meanwhile the last time I was at the medical officer I was asked point blank about mental health history and she seemed very happy to hear that I got nothing, only criticizing me for my stiff spine.

 

Since a lot of the time I wasted yesterday was by frantically scrolling through mental health sites and forums I'm following until I was utterly tired out, I'm going to go out on a limb and prescribe myself a drastic computer and online time-out from here on out. That should help me get more time for exercise and meditating.

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3 hours ago, Madame deVenoge said:

@Toth - ok, but do keep us periodically updated, perhaps once a week or every two weeks, please? So that we know you are ok?

Given how I tend to post here: If I'm not updating, I'm definitely okay! ;)

Now I better go back nursing massive neck pain and headache... -.-

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anybody got any experience in dealing with anxious children.  My daughter is in all other ways the most happy go lucky little girl.  She gets on with everyone, does great at school, has a really fun and active social life etc.  but as soon as she starts to worry about anything, even the smallest detail she completely spirals about it.  

@Madame deVenoge that sucks, but it sounds like its almost over.  

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No experience dealing with anxious children, but I was an anxious child. My dad tended to either reinforce my worries (he was an anxious adult; it runs in his side of the family) or try to distract me from them. I still rely on distraction methods a lot, and it does work, but tends to work in quite a superficial way, going round a problem rather than addressing it. 

One option: talk with her about what she's worried about and imagine that it happens, that the thing she's afraid of comes to pass. Then help her to see that it wouldn't be that bad, could be manageable, might even be something good seen from different angles. As with Terry Pratchett in Hogfather, you don't tell the kid that there's no monster hiding under the bed, you tell them that it's there and give them a cricket bat. 

If your daughter tends to spiral over everyday problems, the above could be useful. If she worries about nightmare catastrophic events like her family dying in a car-crash, less so. 

@Toth, I really hope you try therapy before buying a house for you and your mother. Otherwise to me it sounds as if you're planning to go to prison, lock yourself in and throw the key out of the window. 

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1 hour ago, dog-days said:

 

@Toth, I really hope you try therapy before buying a house for you and your mother. Otherwise to me it sounds as if you're planning to go to prison, lock yourself in and throw the key out of the window. 

That's quite a harsh take on things. I've come to focus on how it's the most financially sensible decision and with it, there will be enough space and separation that I hopefully won't have to deal with her every three minutes as it is currently the case. Not to mention that this is in large part my anxiety taking over and feeling constantly cornered and criticized rather than something she intentionally does to put me down.

Though I am also very worried at the moment about my long-term feasibility as a romantic partner. If I am this unable to function with my mother around, I can't see it work much differently moving together with someone else and fear I would also just accumulate points that frustrate me about a potential girlfriend and become unreasonably defensive and avoidant.

Yes, I'm dumb, I know very well I shouldn't dwell on my loneliness and think about situations I won't ever be in.

But heck, three months ago I even sabotaged my joining that group from another forum that plays Dead by Daylight, focusing so much on how that game makes me miserable and how we sucked at it and then dropping out and cutting almost all contact when I started to notice how my mind shifted from "God, we loose every match, it must be my fault" to "I'm horrible at this, but they are ignoring my calls for more teamplay as well" and wanted to avoid resenting them. Apparently I'm just all resentment, all the way down and need to isolate myself from others to avoid it.

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6 hours ago, Toth said:

That's quite a harsh take on things. I've come to focus on how it's the most financially sensible decision and with it, there will be enough space and separation that I hopefully won't have to deal with her every three minutes as it is currently the case. Not to mention that this is in large part my anxiety taking over and feeling constantly cornered and criticized rather than something she intentionally does to put me down.

Though I am also very worried at the moment about my long-term feasibility as a romantic partner. If I am this unable to function with my mother around, I can't see it work much differently moving together with someone else and fear I would also just accumulate points that frustrate me about a potential girlfriend and become unreasonably defensive and avoidant.

Yes, I'm dumb, I know very well I shouldn't dwell on my loneliness and think about situations I won't ever be in.

But heck, three months ago I even sabotaged my joining that group from another forum that plays Dead by Daylight, focusing so much on how that game makes me miserable and how we sucked at it and then dropping out and cutting almost all contact when I started to notice how my mind shifted from "God, we loose every match, it must be my fault" to "I'm horrible at this, but they are ignoring my calls for more teamplay as well" and wanted to avoid resenting them. Apparently I'm just all resentment, all the way down and need to isolate myself from others to avoid it.

A number of times you've described your mother belittling you and undermining your confidence in your ability to function as an independent human being, and it's sounded very much as though this is not something new, but something she has been doing for many years. 

Imagine if you had a female friend with a father that regularly put her down and acted in emotionally abusive ways. She talks about saving up her money for several years, possibly neglecting opportunities and support that could help her, in order to buy a larger house that she and her father could live in together. How would you react? 

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8 hours ago, Toth said:

That's quite a harsh take on things. I've come to focus on how it's the most financially sensible decision and with it, there will be enough space and separation that I hopefully won't have to deal with her every three minutes as it is currently the case. Not to mention that this is in large part my anxiety taking over and feeling constantly cornered and criticized rather than something she intentionally does to put me down.

Though I am also very worried at the moment about my long-term feasibility as a romantic partner. If I am this unable to function with my mother around, I can't see it work much differently moving together with someone else and fear I would also just accumulate points that frustrate me about a potential girlfriend and become unreasonably defensive and avoidant.

Yes, I'm dumb, I know very well I shouldn't dwell on my loneliness and think about situations I won't ever be in.

But heck, three months ago I even sabotaged my joining that group from another forum that plays Dead by Daylight, focusing so much on how that game makes me miserable and how we sucked at it and then dropping out and cutting almost all contact when I started to notice how my mind shifted from "God, we loose every match, it must be my fault" to "I'm horrible at this, but they are ignoring my calls for more teamplay as well" and wanted to avoid resenting them. Apparently I'm just all resentment, all the way down and need to isolate myself from others to avoid it.

Imho best thing you could do is take a year out and go travelling, and broaden your horizons. Get away from your mother and your job. Get her used to you not being there. 
Because based on your posts, she seems to be putting you down and destroying your confidence to make you dependent on her, for selfish reasons, and not reqlly carong that when she dies - potentially a few decades down the line - you’ll be a middle-aged man living alone wondering wtf happened to your life.

Hell, even if travelling per se doesnt appeal, get a teaching job in another country for a year. Clean slate.

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49 minutes ago, dog-days said:

A number of times you've described your mother belittling you and undermining your confidence in your ability to function as an independent human being, and it's sounded very much as though this is not something new, but something she has been doing for many years. 

Sure, but these last months nothing of the sort happened and I'm still an anxiety riddled mess. I still react quite wounded whenever she's nagging about stuff I did or didn't do, but I suppose it's normal that a mother unthinkingly criticizes tiny stuff.

I guess there is also two things she picked up that further fuel my anxiety. For one she starts to curse and grumble to herself when doing chores by herself, which I always take as an indicator I have to drop everything and help her because I think she's grumbling about me and expects me to do something, but unlike previous instances where it was indeed to tell me I should get up and do stuff, now she claims she picked the habit up from her coworkers who do it all the time and I shouldn't worry about it, it's just to release steam. The other thing is that now sometimes when she enters my room when I'm working at the computer she may crane with her head over my shoulder to look at something that caught her attention on my computer screen (apparently because her eyes are becoming worse) and then complains about me recoiling and tensing up about it, saying I shouldn't act like this because it's not like she cares what I'm doing.

And yet those instances are far in between. Most of the time she genuinely just wants to talk to me about stuff she picked up on TV or at work (or look out of my window or check on the cat or the time on my clock or putting away stuff in the drawer...) and reacts unhappy about why I'm almost never saying anything in response, just being tense and silently waiting for her to go away. It's like all my current anxiety runs on accumulated resentment and that is the part I have to overcome in order to come to true acceptance. Because as it is I fear if I ever get into a relationship with someone, I'd similarly just be searching for stuff to resent and reasons to withdraw. I can't live like that. So I'm trying to not minimize all my tabs anymore when she enters and treat it as normal so that my anxiety has nothing to feed on. Similarly I should really stop complaining about her and treat her like she's the source of it when my anxiety at this point is constant at home and her presence just conveniently triggers it.

I mean, I really need to save that money up and get it done with the house for things to improve, there is no other way around. For my application at the Japanese school I got a rejection and then the school put up a new job advertisement for specifically one of my subjects a couple of months later. So I'm assuming this mean they clearly saw me as too crappy because of my horrible grade in my final exam of teacher training and so going abroad will be very unlikely. Even though, oddly, I just this week received a mail from a school right down the street I applied to in 2019 with the principal asking whether I'm still interested, so that gives me a slight confidence bonus (though there is no way in hell I will go to a school that causes half the neighborhood to recognize me, even if it is quite well regarded).

1 hour ago, dog-days said:

Imagine if you had a female friend with a father that regularly put her down and acted in emotionally abusive ways. She talks about saving up her money for several years, possibly neglecting opportunities and support that could help her, in order to buy a larger house that she and her father could live in together. How would you react? 

Knowing myself, I'd probably be quite worried, but I am also aware that I simply can't change anything. Complaining just makes things worse for my mental health.

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On 5/19/2023 at 12:07 AM, BigFatCoward said:

anybody got any experience in dealing with anxious children.  My daughter is in all other ways the most happy go lucky little girl.  She gets on with everyone, does great at school, has a really fun and active social life etc.  but as soon as she starts to worry about anything, even the smallest detail she completely spirals about it. 

I have some experience with an anxious child.  Sometimes just encouraging her to talk about what is worrying her, without judgement, without trying to solve the problem, without promising that "everything is going to be okay" helps a lot.  She loooooves to talk, so this one is easily done.  Just verbalizing her inner state seems to take some of the urgency out of her worries.  Sometimes it results in her bawling, but this too seems to help ease the situation when the tears have dried up.

What dog-days suggests is very useful, and I would add:  keep a little journal of what she is worrying about and when (for me I would just make a quick dated note on my phone), then revisit those past worries periodically with her (when she is not in an anxious state) with the same thoughtful perspective:  remember when you were worried about x? did your worries come to pass? and, if so, were they as bad as you imagined?  The answer has always been "no" to the second or third question, and sometimes, hilariously, even to the first one!

With repetition, (and maturity) she has developed a much healthier perspective.  She is skeptical of what she calls her "worrying brain" and she knows that catastrophe is probably not really just around the corner, even though it still sometimes really feels like it is to her.

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4 hours ago, Toth said:

The other thing is that now sometimes when she enters my room when I'm working at the computer she may crane with her head over my shoulder to look at something that caught her attention on my computer screen (apparently because her eyes are becoming worse) and then complains about me recoiling and tensing up about it, saying I shouldn't act like this because it's not like she cares what I'm doing.

And yet those instances are far in between. Most of the time she genuinely just wants to talk to me about stuff she picked up on TV or at work (or look out of my window or check on the cat or the time on my clock or putting away stuff in the drawer...) and reacts unhappy about why I'm almost never saying anything in response, just being tense and silently waiting for her to go away. It's like all my current anxiety runs on accumulated resentment and that is the part I have to overcome in order to come to true acceptance. Because as it is I fear if I ever get into a relationship with someone, I'd similarly just be searching for stuff to resent and reasons to withdraw. I can't live like that. So I'm trying to not minimize all my tabs anymore when she enters and treat it as normal so that my anxiety has nothing to feed on.

Hmm.

For the record, in any normal relationship, if you were working on the computer in your room then your partner would leave you in peace to get on with it. They might perhaps stick their head round your door to ask if you fancied a coffee break or something similar. Certainly they wouldn't come in and engage you in casual conversation or do random stuff around you when that was clearly distracting you. And peering at your screen without explicit permission is considered way beyond the pale - there might be confidential stuff on it.

I love my wife dearly, but in the unlikely event that she were to start doing that sort of thing then I might well minimize all my tabs and sit there waiting for her to go away as well. She would quickly get the point I am sure. Though I would be more likely simply to say I was going to be busy for the next however long and ask her to go away until then - but clearly your mother would react badly to that.

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I am on the verge of a breakthrough, I think sometimes. I believe I have such a demand in my heart for there to be something better than this. Because I am doing moderately so good it's unbelievable, I can sit back and watch all the great shit happen to me. I have hope. Since I'm trying to play nice with the people who interact with me, I may assume that I am going to come into some good fortune soon. I'm making leaps and bounds happen and I cannot wait to live to tell the tale. There is no way that I am going to race down any of those old roads because this is important to my parents, family, and sister as well. I have on my hat of being in a better mood and also being more stable and this hat I may wear is no disguise. My future is open wide and I like it like that because I can feel good again about life in general. I am lucky I can pull my pants up high and be a big girl. I am very glad at the way my life is going. 

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2 hours ago, Madame deVenoge said:

I’m not sure about the legal obligations for student grades

Federally, it's called FERPA.  Most states (or at least the two I've graded students in) have their own further rules/statutes.  I've..never worried about this with family/significant others.  That's not to say I've ever showed them students' grades - I haven't - it's just never been an issue when I deal with the gradebook and/or posting grades. 

I suppose it'd be a good excuse, but when I look at porn I'm on an incognito window.  I literally could not post grades on an incognito window.  

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When it rains, it pours. My step-dad's health is declining even faster than I expected. My mom just told me the other day the doctor's basically told her good luck. I had to break the news to my step-brother just a few minutes ago.

What a shitty fucking year it's been. 

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2 hours ago, Madame deVenoge said:

I am so sorry. That really sucks. Please keep us updated to your level of comfort - I’m sending my good karma your way. 

I guess the good thing is I'm finally starting to get some energy back after a terrible Covid situation. Still nowhere near where I need to be though. Wish the situation with the new lady friend didn't go sideways so fast. That's certainly not helping my depression, but it's probably for the best. 

Sorry I can't give you any advice on the CBDs. I've heard they're really helpful, but I have no real experience with them and if they'd get you flagged on a drug test. That's a pretty lame reason not to hire someone cause they're not even for getting high.

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3 minutes ago, Tywin et al. said:

I guess the good thing is I'm finally starting to get some energy back after a terrible Covid situation. Still nowhere near where I need to be though. Wish the situation with the new lady friend didn't go sideways so fast. That's certainly not helping my depression, but it's probably for the best. 

Sorry I can't give you any advice on the CBDs. I've heard they're really helpful, but I have no real experience with them and if they'd get you flagged on a drug test. That's a pretty lame reason not to hire someone cause they're not even for getting high.

There is no reason to be depressed about the phone person, everyone in RL and here has told you that you dodged a bullet.  Be happy  1) you dodged a bullet before you were really invested and 2) you have RL and virtual friends who give good advice and care.  A lot of people don't even have that.

 

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