Goodkind XV - Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here

[MinDonner]

No-one else going to start the new thread? Then I guess it falls to me. If you're new to the Goodkind threads, be aware that a few brave souls are currently attempting to read Soul of the Fire, and are using this as our, ahem, "Journey Book". Join usss! Join usss!

Otherwise, stick up yer parodies, yer comedy Tairy quotes, yer poems about the nobility of goats, and let the games commence!

(remember, no personal attacks, no trolling of other boards, and be nice to any followers of the Yeard who may stop by, however foolish they may be...)

Latest report on SotF to follow later - it's gone from bad to offensive to downright ugly, so have a bucket handy.

[The Wolf Maid]

YESSSS!

*gets out the buckets and the hangover pills*

[Jaxom 1974]

Man...I hadn't been re-reading yet, but you're gonna make me pull out SotF on my day off tomorrow, aren't you? Aw hell.

[MinDonner]

All righty... here's my latest update... I am SO wishing I'd brought something else to read today, as I still have lunchtime and the journey home to get through and I've had about as much as I can stomach of this tripe...

Progress report on Soul of the Fire - part 2

So, we've got Richard chasing chickens round the village. It turns out that he does know a word in the Mud People's language, and that's - surprise! - "chicken". Everyone thinks he's nuts, and Kahlan gets all frustrated that he'd rather spend time with the chickens than with her. She gives us a few pages of insipid nausea, with comments like "She just wanted to hold his hand and spend time with him..." "She just wanted to tell him she loved him" "It was hard not to respect Richard" :sick: - even better when you think all the time Tairy's actually talking about himself... She can't understand what this chicken nonsense is all about. Then, of course, the Evil Chicken battle of legend, possibly the daftest thing ever published. Richard defeats Evil Chicken, then confronts Zedd about the chimes thing.

Zedd and Ann are now ill, and say "no, chicken-that-is-not-a-chicken is also a chicken-that-is-not-a-chime, it's a Lurk, which act like Chimes but are less dangerous". Apparently, the way to defeat a Lurk is for Richard to smash a magic bottle in Aydindril, so he, Kahlan and the Mord Sith are dispatched back to the capital to collect that plot coupon.

*spoilers ahead!*

Aha! It turns out that Zedd and Ann weren't really sick at all, and the chicken-that-is-not-a-chicken IS a chime after all! They were just getting rid of Richard cos he's too stupid to handle it properly. Now they have to rescue all the Sisters of the Light from Jagang, which they can only do because the magic is failing, but if they can't rescue them then they'll have to kill them so Jagang can't use their magic. Kinda like we always kill hostages that we can't rescue, in case they start working for their kidnappers, you know. The Moral Thing. And off they go.

This is where it starts getting objectionable - we leave Our Heroes and meet a boy called Fitch in Anderith. Fitch belongs to a powerless minority - the Hakens - who are being terribly oppressed by the power of... wait for it... POLITICAL CORRECTNESS!!! The clumsiness of this is quite astounding, but apparently the dominant race of Anders have banned all poor Haken men from making racist comments against Anders, and from carrying weapons; Haken women have a better deal of it, as they are encouraged by this evil race to get a job so they won't need a husband, because Haken men may enslave their women in marriage; they are also allowed weapons, but no Haken is allowed to read. Political Correctness Gone Mad!!!1!!1

It's a poor caricature of how terrible life would be if we liberal pansies had our way, but nowhere near as bad as the caricatures of its rulers. Yes, this is the land of Tairy's Clinton puppets, Bertrand Chanboor and his wife Hildemara. Bertrand is a silver fox with an eye for the ladies; his wife is an ugly old harridan who terrorises the servants. He is the Minister for Culture (what quasi-mediaeval society would be without one?), and has ambitions of becoming Sovereign; he promotes his aides largely on the basis of which of their wives will sleep with him. His first appearance involves him seducing Fitch's would-be girlfriend - the cad!

We soon meet Dalton, Chanboor's aide. I'm not sure what to make of Dalton - he's the guy we know from the QOTDs, who deliberately caught an STD so he could kill his boss. He seems like a (gasp!) grey character, but I think this is just Tairy being confused about how to write someone who starts off bad but then Does The Right Thing. Dalton hires Fitch (who either hates or likes Chanboor, depending on which paragraph you read) to be his spy and then to beat up a woman who accuses Chanboor of rape (apparently, she was asking for it). Fitch enjoys this. His ambition was to become the Seeker of Truth, so he's going about it in the right way. Dalton is now off to a party with his beloved wife, a vacuous social-climbing bimbo; Dalton is proud that he hasn't had to "use" her to get his position by getting her to sleep with Chanboor. But we all know what's coming...

---------------------------------

This book is getting harder and harder to read. The Anderith parts are just sickening - terrible strawmen concepts of what Tairy sees as the logical outcomes of feminism and liberalism. The attitude to women, too, is utterly dreadful - there haven't been any rape attempts on Kahlan yet, but the overall misogyny is unmistakeable. Richard may act like an overgrown schoolboy and blush crimson at any suggestion of (whisper it) sex, but all the ladies giggle and flirt and shag their way to power. There's more than a hint of jealousy at Chanboor's skill at pulling in the younger ladies, because all other fiftysomething men have to go to those disgusting whores with their diseases, yuck! It's all pretty horrific.

The Anderith society is also pretty special. I think it's supposed to be slightly more culturally advanced than the other places we've seen so far, but it's basically still your fantasy standard city... and yet, a treasonous book gets stolen from the library and Dalton launches a "public inquiry" about it; the ladies all wear shimmery low-cut cocktail dresses and the men wear shirts... the setting is some kind of terrible Frankenstein's monster botched together out of ill-fitting parts. It belongs dead.

Gah!

[Xray the Enforcer]

you poor fuckers. you're trying to read SotF?!

[Jaxom 1974]

Hmmmmmm...methinks I'm gonna re-read something else. I don't know if I can take SotF after Min's updates...I'm gonna do Blood of the Fold I think...

From Library Journal

This is the third installment of Goodkind's heroic fantasy "Sword of Truth" series. Reluctant wizard Richard Cypher and his love, the warrior Kahlan Amnell, live in a world of magical boundaries that hold back the forces of darkness. But war is coming because the barrier between the worlds has been breached, and the "Blood of the Fold," a group of fanatical zealots, is attempting to kill all people with magic. They are nothing, however, compared to the ancient, unspeakable evil about to be unleashed. There is a lot of sword and sorcery action here, and although it has a darker tone than most fantasies, there is also a strain of humor unseen in works by Robert Jordan, Terry Brooks, or David Eddings. In addition, series protagonist Amnell is rapidly becoming one of the most interesting female characters in a genre where they are few and far between. Buck Schirner is an adept reader, expert at rendering this vast, glittering tapestry of a world. This superior production is an excellent choice for public libraries where multivolume fantasy series are in demand.ABarbara Perkins, Irving P.L., TX

Copyright 1999 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to the Audio Cassette edition.

That's gold. Yeah. I'm picking BotF for my choice of re-read.

[theMountainGoat]

You are right on the money there Min with all your points above. Soul of the Fire represents the very lowest point of Sword of Truth, which gives you some idea of how bad this book is. It is a hard struggle to get through but if you can read all of this one then you can definitively claim the ability to read any book, no matter how bad. I would join in with the group read but I am not masochistic enough to read that book a second time :sick:

Methinks Xray is out of touch with things round here lately, lots of good parodies have been put up lately and have inspired this unholy group reading thing. This may be my fault and I apologise wholeheartedly

[Jaxom 1974]

Okay...My suggestion: Pick your re-read! The more we get done at once, the less painful and dragged out it will be. Obviously if 10 people want to re-read SotF with Min, so be it. But I'm not saying, I'm just saying, you know?

Wizards First Rule:

Blood of the Fold: Jaxom

Stone of Tears:

Soul of the Fire: Min

Temple of the Winds:

Faith of the Fallen:

The Pillars of Creation:

Naked Empire:

Chainfire:

Phantom:

[Xray the Enforcer]

Methinks Xray is out of touch with things round here lately, lots of good parodies have been put up lately and have inspired this unholy group reading thing. This may be my fault and I apologise wholeheartedly

I've been busy kicking ass and drinking blue cocktails.

[Myshkin]

Alright, hit page 200 on SotF, but since Tairy repeats everything he says at least four times I've really on read about 50 pages of actual story.

The story so far:

Lots of chickens. Lots of people being scared "something fierce". Lots of women cursing themselves for their "womanly ways". Lots of people dying stupidly. Lots of insipid introspection. Lots of liberal commies with no moral celery. And something about breaking a bottle to save the world.

I sure hope that the rest of this book lives up to the stunning pace set in the first 200 pages.

[MinDonner]

Silence of the Goats - Part 2

Agent Zedd's bushy eyebrows furrowed with frustrated awe. "Remind me of the plot, Agent Kahling!" he commanded.

Kahling looked down at her notes, which she'd written to keep track of all the irrational plot-twists and illogical worldbuilding. "Let's see... last time we spoke was two days ago, wasn't it, because you wanted me to investigate the case of Buffalo Nicci, who's been torturing girls to death."

"That's right!" said Zedd "But go on, as we need to spend at least half the chapter on infodumping."

"Well, as you know Zedd, we work for the Midlands Bureau of Investigation, but we've been unable to capture this vile serial killer. We nearly got her once, but she changed into a different-coloured dress and so nobody recognised her. She slipped through our roadblock by getting her boobs out, and since then we've had no leads. The latest girl to go missing is Princess Violet, so we'll have to find this murderess quickly! Yesterday I went to visit the notorious cannibal Richard Lecter to see if he could help."

"And will he?" prompted Zedd.

"He says he'll only help if we can move him to the Palace, so he can use his Seeker-senses to give us more information about the case. I'm not happy with it, but it seems like the only moral thing to do."

"That's settled, then" said Zedd, "We'll move him into the palace. He should be safe enough there; my magic will protect us."

This seemed fair enough to Kahling. Still, she had one more question: "Just as a matter of interest, Zedd, as you're such a powerful magician, why can't you just use your magic to find this Nicci?"

"Ah, that's an interesting question," said Zedd, stalling for time. "You see, the magic spells I usually use are driven by the power of, er, additi...sub...plifi...macation, yes, and Nicci carries, um, the Amulet of Plot Device which can repel my magic like rain on a campfire. I never mentioned this before but it's all written down in this ancient book, right here, see?"

Agent Chase was walking past and overheard this conversation. "Wait a minute," he said, "Isn't this supposed to be a police-procedural crime thriller? What's all this about magic and amulets?"

"Bags, child, don't try to pigeonhole me!" fumed Zedd. "This is a story about nobility and the triumph of the human spirit, I can't be bothered with such petty details! You're obviously not old enough to understand." He instantly blasted Chase with a blast of additisubplifimacative magic which sacked him from the MBI and stripped him of his badge. Chase slunk away in disgrace, a civilian once more.

Later that day, Richard was brought to the palace, under heavy guard. He sniffed around the palace while the MBI agents grew restless. Eventually, he had his answers.

"Tell me, Agent Kahling, was there anything unusual about the... bodies? Apart from being tortured, of course," he asked.

"Yes, there were a few feathers, but what does that have to do with it?"

Richard laughed a raptor-like laugh, which sounded like an eagle with hiccups. "Birds... birds and evil... birds OF evil... what is the most evil of all the birds?"

"Why, a chicken, of course!" Any child would know that; Kahling was insulted that he'd even had to ask her.

"Have you searched the chicken farm?" asked Richard, in the smug tones of one who knows he's vastly more intelligent than all the straw men and sock-puppets around him.

Kahling gasped. Zedd gasped. All the guards gasped. One said, "To the chicken farm!" and most of them raced for the door. "Don't forget to guard Richard!" called Zedd over his shoulder.

Richard surveyed his captors, who eyed him warily - they knew that they were in the presence of a lethal, cold-blooded killer, who would stop at nothing to fight for his own personal freedom, leaving nothing else alive.

Bringer of Death.

The guards knew they could not relax their vigilance, even for a moment. Still, their wits were no match for Richard's. His mind raced. Pretending to stretch, he seized a sword from one of them and in an instant war broke out. He was lethality incarnate, a swirling, slicing machine of pure, lethal killing, lethally slicing his way through the helpless guards, whose strict training and co-ordination was no match for this lethal one-man death machine. Instantly, they had all been killed. Richard carefully sliced off the face of one of them to use as a disguise - there wasn't any real need for this, as all the other guards were dead, but he thought it might be fun. He removed the ears from the rest and saved them for a snack later.

Meanwhile, at the chicken farm, Agent Kahling had narrowly escaped being raped three times and now was facing Nicci. Before she could arrest her, though, Nicci cast a Maternity spell, so that if Kahling tried to arrest her, she'd also be arresting herself! They circled one another warily. This went on for some time to allow Richard to turn up and save the day, like this:

The strange chipping noises ceased, and suddenly a shaft of sunlight shone down into the dark corner of the chicken farm, illuminating a figure there. It was a statue, carved from a pillar of purest marble, which had just happened to be on a farm. Richard dusted off his hands and stood back to admire his handiwork, which he'd just knocked up in a few minutes after escaping from the palace. At the base of the statue was a single word: LIFE. Nicci glanced at the statue, then stopped dead in her tracks and stared, a tear trickling down her cheek. Life! And all this time she'd been a serial killer, in search of Death! The answer was so simple, why had she been so stupid? Now she was weeping with joy.

"How did you carve that statue? You haven't even got a sword!" asked Kahling in awe.

Richard held up his hands covered in stone dust, fingernails worn down by the hard marble. "I AM the weapon!" he declared.

Richard went over to comfort Nicci, and Kahling came too, feeling a strange kinship in these two bringers of death. They hugged, and went to find Princess Violet. No sense in rescuing the helpless brat, after all; she should have been able to save herself. Richard could kick her, and Nicci could torture her, and Kahling could watch. They strode off together into the sunset.

The End.

[Myshkin]

I weep tears of pure and instant joy. After reading your Truthy story I have instantly become joyful. In this instant my joy in LIFE in Truthily moral. To tell the Truth this instant, my joy is Truthfully joyous.

[AverageGuy]

After all these chickens, I almost want to reread Pillars of Creation or Naked Empire again just to see that other Goodkindian animal, the noble goat...

[Myshkin]

In honor of my new avatar I've decided to write a new parody. So, without further ado, here is the firt installment:

Labyrinth

A Myshkin Joint

Part One

Cue super cool David Bowie song

Kahlan was standing in the park fantasizing about the Commie King when she instantly remembered she was an hour late to baby-sit her 30 year old boyfriend Richard. Instantly she ran across town and was suddenly on her front porch.

“I hate babysitting that stupid Richard,†Kahlan thought to herself before entering the house.

“Kahlan, where have you been,†screamed her evil stepmother as soon as Kahlan walked through the door.

“I hate you’†Kahlan instantly screamed back, “Why do I always have to watch Richard while you go out and get drunk?â€

“He is your boyfriend,†raged her evil stepmother.

Kahlan ran up the stairs and was suddenly slamming her bedroom door. Instantly she flopped down on her bed, where she laid, boobies heaving, for a very long time.

Suddenly Kahlan realized that her favorite vibrator, Sir Truthalot, was missing.

“Somebody’s been in my room again,†Kahlan righteously raged. Instantly she ran to Richard’s nursery and found Sir Truthalot lying on the floor. Richard was asleep in his crib, he was wearing that stupid war wizard outfit again.

“How many times do I have to tell you not to touch my vibrators,†Kahlan screamed, awaking Richard.

“Don’t tell me what to do,†Richard screamed back, “I am a free and noble individual who won’t be subjugated to your willâ€.

“Stop preaching. Why are you always preaching? If you don’t stop preaching I will call the Commie King to come and take you away to the Commie City where he will keep you forever and turn you into a pinko.â€

Richard’s eyes were flashing now, and Kahlan could tell that his thing was rising. She had to do something fast before he ripped her spine out with his bare hands.

“Commie King, Commie King, where ever you might be, take this boyfriend of mine far away from me.†Nothing happened. Richard began preaching again. He was saying something ridiculous about fire.

“Richard stop it,†Kahlan sighed, “Oh, I wish the commies would come take you away.â€

On her way back to her room Kahlan suddenly realized she could no longer hear Richard preaching. Instantly she raced back to the nursery. When she arrived at the nursery the lights were all off and Richard was nowhere to be seen. Suddenly a shadow stretched across the floor. Kahlan instantly looked up and saw a glorious man standing by the open window. He was tall and handsome, and was wearing extremely tight clothes with a magnificent codpiece. He was all glittery. He was Jagang, the Commie King.

“What have you done with my boyfriend,†Kahlan asked, “Please give him back, I didn’t mean it.â€

“What’s said is said,†said the Commie King, in his totally sexy voice.

“Please, I have to have my boyfriend back,†Kahlan whimpered.

“He’s there, in my castle,†said the Commie King, pointing out the window.

Kahlan looked out the window. In the distance she could see a huge labyrinth, at the center of which stood a grand castle. “It doesn’t look too far,†she said.

“It’s farther than you think,†purred the Commie King, “You have 13 hours in which to solve the labyrinth before your boyfriend becomes one of us forever.†And instantly he disappeared.

[Regina]

I should be upset at the idea of soiling either Silence of the Lambsor Labyrinth with a TG crossover...but I have to admit that those made me lol.

[Lightsnake]

Oh, man, I wish I had the books at hand so I could do the PoC reading group.

And Min? Now that cultural diversity parallel is very clear...I never caught that before

[Zap Rowsdower]

Still only on about page 50 of SotF but I read this passage:

With the next flash of lightning, Kahlan saw the silhoutte of a chicken perched on the sill of the window on the other side of the cloth. As the lightning flahsed and thunder boomed, the chicken's shadow sidled to the other corner of the window.

And I was inspired to write the following parody. I know its not as good or as detailed as some of my others, but give me a break, I just knocked it off in about half an hour.

The Chicken

by Terry Allan Goodpoe

Once upon an afternoon bleary, while I typed long and dreary,

plagiarizing many a page from a didactic Objectivist bore,

While I typed, furiously tapping, suddenly there came a clucking,

As of something fowly cackling, cackling at my chamber door.

`'Tis some visitor,' I murmred, `clucking at my chamber door -

Only this, and nothing more.'

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,

And each separate dying ember wrought its goat upon the floor.

Eagerly I wished the morrow; - vainly I had sought to borrow

From my typing surcease of sorrow - sorrow for the lost Ayn -

For the crazed and merciless harridan whom the Nambles named Ayn -

Nameless here for evermore.

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain

Thrilled me - filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;

So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating

`'Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door -

Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door; -

This it is, and nothing more,'

Presently my soul grew more masculine; hesitating then no longer,

`Sir,' said I, `or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;

But the fact is I was tapping, and so gently you came clucking,

And so faintly you came clucking, clucking at my chamber door,

That I scarce was sure I heard you' - here I opened wide the door; -

Mord-Sith there, and nothing more.

“So you want to look at me tits again; make sure I don’t have no nipple magic controlling me?†Cara asked.

Deep into that Mord-Sith peering, long I stood there wondering, fantasizing,

Hoping, dreaming dreams of skintight red leather BDSM

But the silence was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,

And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, `Ayn!'

This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, `Ayn!'

Merely this and nothing more.

Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me churning,

Soon again I heard a clucking somewhat louder than before.

`Surely,' said I, `surely that is something at my window lattice;

Let me see then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore -

Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; -

'Tis the wind and nothing more!'

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,

In there waddled a sinister chicken of the Old World days of yore.

Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;

But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door -

Perched upon a bust of Milton Friedman just above my chamber door -

Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

Then this bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,

By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,

`Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,' I said, `art sure no raven.

Ghastly grim and ancient chicken wandering from the nightly shore -

Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore!'

Clucked the Chicken, ` bawk-bawk-bawk!.'

To the side, my head I did cock,

raptor gaze I did sweep,

‘Cruel fowl: is it me that you mock?’

demanded I fearing that I may weep.

Clucked the Chicken ‘bawk-bawk-bawk!’

Much I dreaded this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so wickedly,

Though its answer grim meaning – melon sized relevancy bore;

For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being

Ever yet was cursed with seeing bird above his chamber door -

Bird or beast above the sculptured bust above his chamber door,

With such name as ` bawk-bawk-bawk!'

But the chicken, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only,

That one hypehnated word, as if his soul in that one hypenated word he did outpour.

Nothing further then he uttered - not a feather then he fluttered -

Till I scarcely more than muttered `Other friends have flown before -

On the morrow will he leave me, as my hopes have flown before.'

Then the bird said, ` bawk-bawk-bawk!'

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,

`Doubtless,' said I, `what it utters is its only stock and store,

Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful disaster

Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore -

Till the dirges of his hope that melancholy burden bore

Of " bawk-bawk-bawk, bawk-bawk-bawk!"'

But the Chicken still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,

Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird and bust and door;

Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking

Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore -

What this grim, ungainly, gaunt, and ominous bird of yore

Meant in croaking ` bawk-bawk-bawk!'

This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing

To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core;

This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining

On the cushion's velvet lining that the lamp-light gloated o'er,

But whose velvet violet lining with the lamp-light gloating o'er,

She shall press, ah, nevermore!

Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer

Swung by Gars whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.

`Wretch,' I cried, `thy God hath lent thee - by these Nambles he has sent thee

Respite - respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Ayn!

Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe, and forget this lost Ayn!'

Quoth the Chicken, ` bawk-bawk-bawk!'

`Prophet!' said I, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil! -

Whether tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,

Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted -

On this home by horror haunted - tell me truly, I implore -

Is there - is there balm in D’Hara? - tell me - tell me, I implore!'

Quoth the Chicken, ` bawk-bawk-bawk!'

`Prophet!' said I, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil!

By that Heaven that bends above us - by that God we both adore -

Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,

It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the Nambles named Ayn -

Clasp a crazed and merciless harridan, whom the Nambles named Ayn?'

Quoth the Chicken, ` bawk-bawk-bawk!.'

`Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!' I shrieked upstarting -

`Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!

Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!

Leave my loneliness unbroken! - quit the bust above my door!

Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!'

Quoth the Chicken, ` bawk-bawk-bawk!'

And the Chicken, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting

On the pallid bust of Milton Friedman just above my chamber door;

And his eyes have all the seeming of a dreamwalker that is dreaming,

And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;

And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor

Shall be lifted – “bawk-bawk-bawk!â€

[Moosicus]

Wow. I come home from work and find all these parodies!! Fucking Grand!! what a way to end the day, I thank you all.

[Myshkin]

What a beautiful poem. Tairy Allen Poe is my all time fav. But now I must be on with mine own parody, so here we go:

Labyrinth

A Myshkin Joint

Part Two

Instantly Kahlan found herself in an alien landscape. Suddenly she saw the wall of the Labyrinth several hundred yards in front of her. She was in for quite a journey, luckily she was wearing her traveling pants.

“Come on boobs, let’s get going,†Kahlan said to herself. As she neared the wall Kahlan saw a short, ugly commie pissing into the moat. “Excuse me,†she said.

“Bags and double bags,†cried the commie, “what do you think you’re doing sneaking up on me like that?â€.

“Sorry, but do you know how to get into the labyrinth, Mr. uh….,†asked Kahlan instantly.

“My name is Zedd, and the door is right there you idiot,†said Zedd.

“Zedd’s dead, baby. Woops, wrong story. Thanks for the directions, Zudd,†said Kahlan.

“It’s Zedd, you stupid bitch.â€

Kahlan instantly entered the labyrinth, and found herself staring at a blank wall. She looked left, right, and left again. It all looked the same as far as the eye could see. Suddenly she made a decision and went right. After running for ages without finding a turn-off Kahlan threw a tantrum then slumped down against the wall.

“’Ello,â€

Kahlan instantly looked around for the source of the voice. Suddenly she saw a fuzzy worm on the wall, “Did you say hello?â€

“No you moron, I said ‘ello,†said the fuzzy worm.

“I’m sorry Mr. Worm but I’m not in a good mood. I’ve been running in this labyrinth forever and I haven’t seen a single turn yet,†whined Kahlan.

“What are you, stupid,†asked the fuzzy worm, “There’s a turning right in front of you.â€

Kahlan looked up, and found to her surprise that the worm was right. Curse her womanly ways, she had never even thought of actually looking for a turn.

“Oh, thank you so much Mr. worm,†Kahlan shouted joyously, and ran off towards the opening, preparing to go left.

“No, not that way,†shouted the worm, “never that way,â€

“Oh, okay,†said Kahlan, and took the right hand passage.

“Dumb broad,†said the worm, “if she’d have gone that way our story would have ended way to early.â€

Cut scene

In the castle at the heart of the labyrinth Jagang sat lazily on his throne. All around him his faithful little commies sat, being bored to death by Richard’s incessant preaching.

“How do I get this guy to shut up,†Jagang asked himself, “I know, I’ll drown him out by singing a song.†Instantly he jumped up and grabbed one of the commies:

Cue awesome 80’s beat

You remind me of the Dick

What Dick?

The Dick with the power

What power?

The power of Truthdoo

Who do?

You do

Do what?

Remind me of the Dick

I saw my Richard

Cryin’ hard as Dick could cry

What could I do?

My Dicky’s Truth had gone

And left my Dicky blue

Nobody knew

What kind of magic spell to use?

Voodoo dolls or enemy balls?

Deus ex machina?

And Richard said:

Truth magic Truth

Truth magic Truth

Put that Truthy spell on me…

Rage magic Rage

Rage magic Rage

Put that Truthy spell on me

Smack that Dicky, make him pee…

Cut scene

Kahlan suddenly found herself in a completely different part of the labyrinth. She wondered around aimlessly for quite some time, making random marks on the walls, not really sure why. Suddenly she saw two weirdo culturally diverse guys standing in front of two doors. “Hey, where’d you guys come from?â€

“We’ve been here the whole time,†said one.

“Yeah, you’ve been staring at us for the past 15 minutes,†said the other.

“Oh,†said Kahlan, “Hey, where do those doors lead to anyway?â€

“One leads to the castle, the other to certain death,†said the weirdo on the left.

“It’s your job to figure out which is which,†said the weirdo on the right.

“Well which one leads to the castle,†demanded Kahlan.

“Are you deaf,†said the left weirdo, “didn’t we just tell you that it was your job to figure that out?â€

“I’ll give you a clue, though,†said the right weirdo, “One of us always lies, and the other always tells the truth.â€

“Well, since you are both pinko commies, I know that both of you are liars.†And with that Kahlan shoved the left weirdo to the ground and went through his door.

“Ha, I’m so smart,†said Kahlan, and instantly fell through the hole in the ground at that instant.

Stay tuned for more instant action in the next installment of Tairy Goodkind's Labyrinth

[MinDonner]

:bow:

*wipes tears of pure joy from eyes*

Ah, what a way to start the day! These are gold!

I've had to put a temporary halt on my SotF reading, cos the soul-crushing boredom of it was draining my will to live. Nobody seems to have told Tairy about the "show, don't tell" thing; every single bloody action in the book is followed by lengthy explanations of what just happened and why. For example, stuff like: (I'm paraphrasing but not that much)

"Stop chasing those chickens, Richard!" snapped Kahlan. She only said this because she was tired; she didn't really mean to be nasty to Richard. It was just that Richard had been chasing chickens for hours now and she thought it was stupid. Chasing chickens was a stupid thing to do, but she knew deep down Richard must have a good reason for it. Still, she was tired of all this chicken-chasing because they'd been doing it all day. She wished Richard would just stop chasing chickens.

I mean yeah, we GET IT!!!!