NFL Thread

[Stego]

Brady Quinn and JaMarcus Russel have already been dismissed.

[MeanMrMustard]

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/trainingcamp...&id=2956884

You know what this means, right?

Is that Berrian? I think he's triple-covered. You know what? Fuck it. I'm throwing it downfield.

Yeah, I see Jones open on the flank. But fuck that. Dumpoff passes are for faggots. I'm fucking Sexy Rexy Grossman. I can get that ball in there. And, even if I can't, I bet I'll be able to pull it off the next go round. I like throwing the ball long. It makes my dick hard.

What's that? I should throw a quick slant? Fuck that. That's gay. Button hook? Gay. Flare out? Gay. Screen pass? Kevin Spacey gay. This is fucking football. You can't just expect wins to come to you. You can't massage that shit. You gotta grab that game by the throat and rape the ever-loving shit out of it. You think a 5-yard out is gonna win you a game? You're a pussy. This ain't John Shoop running this offense. Sexy Rexy's got the arm. The dragon. You gotta unleash the dragon.

Okay, I'm throwing it. Nice. Look how far it went. I look good. I bet I made that Pats cheerleader wet her panties with that throw. She fucking wants me. I bet she likes it over a stair railing. I can hit that with 100% accuracy, my dear. Mmmmmm. I am delicious.

Oh shit. Looks like Samuel caught it. Again. Oh well. It still felt fucking great to throw that shit. Tell me that wasn't one of the prettiest passes you ever saw. You know what? Not only am I gonna throw it long the next time we hit the field. I'm gonna throw it even longer. Harder. You see that kid in wheelchair sitting in the end zone bleachers? I'm gonna nail him right between the fucking eyes with a Sexy Rexy fastball. Why? Because I can.

This is Rex Grossman we're talking about here. We're talking 210 lbs. of twisted steel and sex appeal. I'm not just a gunslinger. I'm a cumslinger. Throwing that ball long tells all the Rexettes that I am fucking out there. On the edge. Where I gotta be. The ladies love the danger. The unpredictability. Oh, maybe I'll tease them with a pretty touch pass every now and again. But then I'm gonna go right back to pumping that ball out for all it's worth. It tells them I throw like I fuck. That's how we do things in the sexy business.

Tell me you're not turned on right now. I am.

[childe roland]

if the sex cannon is available late he will so be on my fantasy team

[Analu]

You know what this means, right?

I still have that blog entry bookmarked and go back to it every once in a while for a good laugh. It's almost as funny to me as

btw, I'm devastated you changed your avatar and title, MMM. I thought that Caddyshack av/title was the greatest thing ever

[Jaime L]

This sounds like a Caliban post verbatim, doesn't it:

This is Rex Grossman we're talking about here. We're talking 210 lbs. of twisted steel and sex appeal. I'm not just a gunslinger. I'm a cumslinger. Throwing that ball long tells all the Rexettes that I am fucking out there. On the edge. Where I gotta be. The ladies love the danger. The unpredictability. Oh, maybe I'll tease them with a pretty touch pass every now and again. But then I'm gonna go right back to pumping that ball out for all it's worth. It tells them I throw like I fuck. That's how we do things in the sexy business.

Tell me you're not turned on right now. I am.

I mean honestly, you could see him writing this, couldn't you? Word for word. Never could figure out why Caliban loved Sexy Rexy so much. Now I know. It's self love. They're the same freakin' guy. The pictures of Rex at keggers in the offseason, the future "hall of famer" defenses by Caliban...there's more than a passing interception intersection here.

Rex Grossman throws ill-advised bombs and Caliban writes ill-advised posts and the thought-process is exactly the same. Flashes of brilliance mixing with stretches of insanity. Do we become the things we love? Or were we always just that? Where does one end and the other begin? Has a sweaty, disheveled Grossman been posting all this time? Or is it simply a case that Caliban's life will reflect sport? So much is riding on how Rex plays. Apparently from what I'm hearing from (the hideous in HD) John Clayton is that the Bears offense is crazy awesome right now. The early returns are good. Does this mean Caliban will turn into Jonathan Swift? I'm more than a little excited to find out.

[Andrik the Unsmiling]

Interesting news from Ninerland, where TE Vernon Davis and future HOF OG Larry Allen got into it at the team scrimmage yesterday:

http://49ers.pressdemocrat.com/default.asp?item=660519

Not good news-- I know these training camp spats happen all the time, but it can't be a good thing when it's two players on the same side of the ball who have to be separated by teammates. The last time it happened with the Niners it was T.O. against Derrick Deese, and we all know where the Owens saga went. Vernon's been doing a lot of trash-talking in camp, and until now none of it seemed like too big a deal. Hopefully this isn't a sign of things to come.

Am I wrong? Do these fights between guys on the same side of the ball happen more often than I realize, i.e. is this really probably not a big deal at all?

[Bazzlebane]

I don't like the way Vernon Davis celebrates. He clearly has a ton of ability, but every catch he dances and taunts. It is very reminiscent of TO, and I'd rather he mature a bit and at least keep the celebrations for touchdowns or other big events. Dancing for an 8 yard catch is stupid -- that's his job. I didn't dance everytime I finished approving an expense report...

Fortunately, he's young. He may yet grow up.

[Caliban]

These fights and shit happen all the time. Por athletes arent wired like you and I are wired. These altercations have no affect on their work. Its a high emotion/passion environment and with the highs and lows of training camp come some heated exchanges. A tight end and a gaurd? Come on. Thats nothing. It would be a big story and possible detrimental to the team if Alex Smith and Mike Nolan had it out, but these two guys? nah son, its nothing.

This is again one of the many instances that prove sports =/= regular life. I mean, Bazz couldnt be approving and disapproving expense reports and if he sees something he doesnt like, or maybe takes issue with some new 'hot shot' kid just out of college, and go Michael Westbrook on his ass. That would get Bazz fired. Bazz would probably have to post his resume on Monster and leave out the place of last employment, because Bazz would be out on his ass, out on the street, with noplace to go and nobody to meet up with. In a gutter someplace, wet, cold, and with no battery on his cell phone. A derelict totally devoid of any reasonable pride or self-worth, a bum. A worthless piece of garbage. Who is going to love Bazz now? Sure we all like Bazz when he is emloyed, has a decent job, and internet access. But are we going to be there we he is truly down and out? I wont. This board will move on. No single boarder is irreplaceable. 6'3 260 lb tight ends that can rattle off a 40 in 4.38 are irreplaceable.

[MeanMrMustard]

btw, I'm devastated you changed your avatar and title, MMM. I thought that Caddyshack av/title was the greatest thing ever

Thank you, friend. Like all aspects of the greatness that is Me, I feel like my avatars are consistently underrated. As is indicated by the lack of title and sig, this one is temporary and was implemented for a specific, finite purpose.

[Space Bandito]

I sort of get the feeling your avatars are in pre-season as well. Fall seems to be your best time.

Anyone watch the Hall of Fame stuff? I almost forgot how boring Gumbel was. Yet football is football.

[Bazzlebane]

Bazz would probably have to post his resume on Monster and leave out the place of last employment, because Bazz would be out on his ass, out on the street, with noplace to go and nobody to meet up with. In a gutter someplace, wet, cold, and with no battery on his cell phone. A derelict totally devoid of any reasonable pride or self-worth, a bum. A worthless piece of garbage. Who is going to love Bazz now? Sure we all like Bazz when he is emloyed, has a decent job, and internet access. But are we going to be there we he is truly down and out? I wont.

Bazz is in fact unemployed right now, because Bazz was sick of dealing with fucking expense reports. Bazz now sits around at home and posts on the board with his fast internet access.

Bazz thinks jobs are overrated.

[Stego]

Actually I think the Davis/allen altercation *IS* a big deal. For a number of reasons.

1. Larry Allen is the strongest man in the history of the NFL. He is in the top .0000000001% of strongest men in the history of mankind. Davis could be crippled with a single blow. That would be a shame, for both men. This is a fact Davis is not unaware of. He is obviously very, very stupid.

2. Allen is a bona fide HoFer. Davis has done nothing of note in his short career. He should shut the fuck up and say nothing but 'Yes Sir' to Allen.

3. You do not jaw at your own team, except for good natured ribbing. By all accounts, Davis's behavior is not good natured.

All things considered, the best thing in the world would have been for Allen to beat the shit out of Davis in a controlled manner and teach the kid what's what. Too bad it can not be allowed to happen.

[aeu]

He is in the top .0000000001% of strongest men in the history of mankind.

No way that number is correct.

[Stego]

No way that number is correct.

Bullshit. It's probably a LOT smaller. Human beings started taking steroids in the 1960's. Steroids allowed for human beings to become vastly stronger than they ever have been throughout history. Vastly.

Last year the world record for bench press 875. This year it is just over 1000lbs. Allen regularly presses 700lbs.

Top tier powerlifters on immense amounts of steroids and growth hormone look at 500lbs as the goal to reach for bench presses. The elite few hit 600lbs.

Ted Arcidi was the first man to ever bench 700lbs. In 1985. Less than 50 people are on record as having bench pressed 700lbs. Let's assume the number is double that. Let's assume it is 100 times that. The number is still infinitely too small.

But Larry Allen is the only professional athlete (I do not consider powerlifting a sport) to come anywhere near that mark. Ever.

Larry Allen just may be the strongest man to ever live. The ultimate human machine. He can be that strong, while being tested for steroids regularly, AND compete at the spedd of the modern NFL.

Love him or hate him, his accomplishments rank up there with any athlete who has ever walked the planet.

[aeu]

Bullshit. It's probably a LOT smaller.

Larry Allen just may be the strongest man to ever live.

Well, it was a throw-away joke, but now that I've actually counted the zeros in that thing (yeah, that's pathetic, I know), it can't be a lot smaller.

And he literally has to be the strongest man ever to live for it to be remotely correct.

[Bazzlebane]

I'm just guessing that whatever the correct percentage is, Larry Allen could probably crush both mine and Vernon Davis' face if we were fools enough to stick it right in front of him. Davis is apparently fool enough.

[Bronn Stone]

Estimates of how many humans have ever lived generally end up around 100 billion. For that number to be true, he'd have to be one in 100 Billion - ie the strongest man who ever lived.

But yeah, Davis wouldn't stand a chance in a contest of strength.

[Bazzlebane]

Here's a description from a fan watching training camp:

"Vernon Davis kept talking trash all through the drive and when he was walking of the field Allen gave him a shoulder check knocking Davis down. Then Vernon got up and tried to fight him and it was quickly broken up. I thinking it might have been one of those times when 1 particular offensive player talks too much trash and really pisses off the defense propmting them to play a little dirty. The offensive players in the trenches are the primary ones who pay the price and Allen was tried of it. Hopefully Davis grows up real soon."

[Stego]

100 billion? Really?

That's shocking to me, as there are a couple of billion alive right now, aren't there. Is that 100 billion mark a Christian scientist number by any chance?

I would have thought the number to have 3 or 4 or 5 more zeros. Sorry.

[Ser Paladin]

100 billion? Really?

That's shocking to me, as there are a couple of billion alive right now, aren't there. Is that 100 billion mark a Christian scientist number by any chance?

I would have thought the number to have 3 or 4 or 5 more zeros. Sorry.

I would have thought the number to have been lower than Bronn's 100 Billion.

6.5 Billion (or so) are alive right now