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Goodkind XXIV: Entertaining the Illiterate with Sweeping Epic Themes


ser jon stark

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Okay I only had the first 7 books, the other 3 I have in .lit form but I don't have the program to use those on this computer. Here are the first sentences of the first 7 books, I would pay specific attention to the first sentence of book 5 since I myself laughed outloud when I read it.

Wizard's First Rule:

It was an odd looking vine.

Stone of Tear(s):

Rachel clutched her doll tighter to her chest and stared at the dark thing watching her from the bushes.

Blood of the Fold:

At the exact same instant, the six women suddenly awoke, the lingering sound of their screams echoing around the cramped officer's cabin.

Temple of the Winds:

Let me kill him," Cara said, her boot strikes sounding like rawhide mallets hammering the polished marble floor.

Soul of the Fire:

"I wonder what’s bothering the chickens," Richard said.

Faith of the Fallen:

She didn't remember dying.

Pillars of Creation:

Picking through the dead man's pockets, Jennsen Daggett came across the last thing in the world she would ever have expected to find.

Also with that last quote I don't remember much of P.o.C. since I only read it once, but wasn't the object Jennsenn found something to do with Rahl? And if so, all her life her and her mother have been running/hiding from Darken Rahl, so when a big blonde guy with blue eyes is found dead near her, why is she surprised to find that hes looking for her?

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Okay I only had the first 7 books, the other 3 I have in .lit form but I don't have the program to use those on this computer. Here are the first sentences of the first 7 books, I would pay specific attention to the first sentence of book 5 since I myself laughed outloud when I read it.

I've looked up the other as I could. I can't vouch for the accuracy though. Chainfire and Phantom came up with the sam excerpt, and I can't be bothered to put any more effort into it. Somebody's bound to have a copy on hand eventually tho.

Naked Empire

"You knew they were there, didn't you?" Kahlan asked in a hushed time as she leaned closer.

Chainfire or Phantom

Kahlan stood quietly in the shadows, watching, as evil knocked softly on the door.

Oooh. Spooky!

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So, what do you think the first sentence of Confessor will be?

My guess:

Richard lept from the pages and ripped out the spine of the author.

"Grasping the throbbing erection of the Ja-Gang player firmly, Richard stroked the head with his thumb."

I'm guessing Richard goes gay in book 11. And he does it really well, gaining the skills of all the other people who have played with the dicks before him. It's on Vigo - slashfic hell, here I come! Pun intended.

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Kahlan stood quietly in the shadows, watching, as evil knocked softly on the door.

I've always respected Evil for its considerate nature- knocking on the door, instead of barging in and ripping out your spine like certain other characters in this series do.

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Kahlan stood quietly in the shadows, watching, as evil knocked softly on the door.

Thats gotta be Phantom, I don't think there is a Klan POV in Chainfire. I think Chainfire's was something like "A wolf howled in the distance". I could be way off.

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I've always respected Evil for its considerate nature- knocking on the door, instead of barging in and ripping out your spine like certain other characters in this series do.
:lol: I'm beginning to respect Brahm quite a bit for his droll sarcasm.
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Thats gotta be Phantom, I don't think there is a Klan POV in Chainfire. I think Chainfire's was something like "A wolf howled in the distance". I could be way off.

Yup, that was Phantom. The opening of Chainfire is "How much of this blood is his?" a woman asked.

"I wonder what's bothering the chickens" is still tops.

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I would have been in the top ten, but this board has built-in failsafes against multiple postings.

(Just to be clear, blaming others for my own ineptitude is a display of moral clarity, yes?)

An act worthy of the Yeard himself. Have another title - Wearer of the Goatswool Socks.

OK, there is not much left of the interview after Hurricane WLU swept over it...

I am absurdly flattered by this. Want another title?

Mr. Goodkind, you should fire your editor, as apparently this fine character has been cut from all of your books.

:rofl:

'Oh my god, this stuff is worse than Vogon poetry! And I can't gnaw my leg off to escape!'

In HHGTTG, victims were strangled by their own intestines. A true Lemming of Discord would use their own spines. Still an improvement over yeardites - they'd use someone else's.

I think you are forgetting the grand scale war in Phantom. Richard stretched and got a sword, and then a war instantly broke out. I think you need to do some rereading of the books kthx.

:rofl: Two in one post!

That would be the plot of Schindler's List II: Revenge of the Yeard, I guess. :)

Anyone else think of UHF by Weird Al? Ghandi II? C'mon, I can't be the biggest geek on this thread!

...so, you'd expect that when magic disappeared, it might take a while for this poison to start flowing down, as it would depend on the existing plants not being able to reproduce and gradually dying out, but no, the poison starts to be a problem INSTANTLY. Richard, of course, banishes the chimes and saves magic, but then (get this) unleashes all the poison anyway because the people didn't vote for him. That's our guy!

Really? I've got to get past Stone of Tears, there's too much piss to be taken.

Dammit Un-Yearded Pita, that's going to take me all day to read through, and a second day to rip it to pieces. I'll start now:

"I have always considered it an honor that readers would give me that most precious of commodities: time. I feel duty bound to give them value in return for their investment. I endeavor not to waste their time- to make it worth their while from the first sentence."

For me, reading Goodkind is like investing in Enron circa November 15th, 2001.

"The books I write are about human problems....the human dimension is the only part that matters....the characters are the defining difference in my books."

Like how to stay on a dragon, avoid nipplemagic or not lose your magic sword...then write a contemporary fiction novel...can't argue with that, though I can be frightened.

"I believe the only valid use of fanatsy is to illustrate important human themes....I never allow my characters to use magic to solve their problems...but to overcome those problems in a thinking way. The major conflicts in the books are always solved through human intellect."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

"Fantasy is about heroes. Heroes struggling against evil and triumphing"

...

Jagang WINS?

:rofl:

Also, as keeper of the sacred texts of Yeardliness (and you all should know this), I must reiterate that Tairy has supersized Nad of Truth (not "testicles") between his legs, and does not exude "breastmilk". Upon his noble chest, Tairy has dual breasticles, from which ooze the milky fluid to bend the souls of all deathchoosers to TG's will.

CUT IT OUT!!! :stunned: :sick: :ack:

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It's getting kinda nasty in here. As for grand-scale wars, well...there are huge battles going on throughout several of the books, you just have to look really closely to see it. Massive armies are fighting it out day and night, but all you really see of it is Klan and her followers making a quick raid into the enemy camp to kill the cooks and whores. The rest of the war reads like a childrens version of the chorus in Henry V: "Imagine in your minds a grand-scale war". Any time he attempts to describe the actual action that is (should be) going on in this war, he typically fails. You can almost see Tairy, sitting in front of a big table that's covered in toy soldiers and having them fight it out. Eventually a Malibu Barbie riding a "My Little Pony (pwny?)" rides in and stomps all the baddies. The barbie - I assume - is naked. Nobody wants to know what goes on after that's got Tairy all sweaty.

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Gimme a sec, I have most of his books in a PDF file somewhere I'll go see if I can find the first sentence to each one.

I'll get to this later if I don't see word post on it before. I was thinking the same thing.

Edited: It's way to late to play catch up.

"I wonder what's bothering the chickens" is still tops.

Nay, sir. It is not "tops", it is quite possibly the finest sentence ever written in literature.

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I'm lazy, and also not in a place where I can do too much of a parody, but does the title "The Bothering of The Chickens" give anyone else visions of Richard Lecter, an FBI agent Kahlan Starling, and an insane killer Buffalo Jagang, who kills lots of people, but not nearly as many as Richard has/will kill?

The cannibalism tie alone should have made this parody spring to mind.

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Nay, sir. It is not "tops", it is quite possibly the finest sentence ever written in literature.

I've always been partial to "It was an odd looking vine."

I'm lazy, and also not in a place where I can do too much of a parody, but does the title "The Bothering of The Chickens" give anyone else visions of Richard Lecter, an FBI agent Kahlan Starling, and an insane killer Buffalo Jagang, who kills lots of people, but not nearly as many as Richard has/will kill?

The cannibalism tie alone should have made this parody spring to mind.

I think Min already did a "Silence of the Lambs" parody, but I would still like to see your take on it.

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Jeez, the centipedes have really been eating up my moral celery patch: my work blocks any blogspot sites, so I was unable to check. Min, the parody goddess that she is, probably did a much better job than I ever could.

And I'm apologizing right now for my use of "breasticles": it was cruel and uncalled for, wholely in line with what TG would have written.

And having just realized that, I rescind my apology, and will pretend that it never happened, as Tairy would do. And as he would say, "Kill those who don't agree with you. They're wrong, and you're right."

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Jeez, the centipedes have really been eating up my moral celery patch: my work blocks any blogspot sites, so I was unable to check. Min, the parody goddess that she is, probably did a much better job than I ever could.

And I'm apologizing right now for my use of "breasticles": it was cruel and uncalled for, wholely in line with what TG would have written.

And having just realized that, I rescind my apology, and will pretend that it never happened, as Tairy would do. And as he would say, "Kill those who don't agree with you. They're wrong, and you're right."

You came very close to being a death chooser in that post. Lucky for you that you ricinded your apology, elsewise I would have been honor bound to beat you with a namble cock.

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I think "Breasticles" are an important part of "Nipple magic", though I might need to look that up to be sure. Hmm, Richard gave Berdine's breasticles a pinch, then twisted them, thus breaking the spell she was under. Does that ring a bell with anyone else? I'm pretty sure that's how it went down in BotF.

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Is this thread becoming an erotica thread?

Because I'm 15.

And this is fucking FREAKING ME OUT.

Nipple magic isn't erotica, it's an important human theme. Grow up.

edit: and don't tell your age in here if you're a minor. Soon we'll have the mods on our asses (and man-boobs)

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