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Rakehell

You have two cows

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[s]Shamelessly ripped off from[/s] Inspired by Ars Technica, the "You have two cows." Fantasy Book Edition thread.

For those unfamiliar with it, [url="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/You_have_two_cows"]the two cows[/url] are often used to present a highly simplified and often absurd analogy to political or economic systems, such as:

Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to someone else.
Communism: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and evenly distributes the milk.
Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

On with the analogies....


[b]Perdido Street Station[/b] - You have two cows. One has steam-powered legs.

[b]Dzur [/b]- You have two cows. You kill one and make dinner using the flank steak lightly cooked in olive oil with garlic, shallots, paprika, 5 different kinds of pepper and turmeric. It is served with a red wine reduction sauce flavored with tarragon, basil and vinegar on a square plate with rounded corners and filligreed edges.

[b]The Anita Blake series[/b] - You have two cows. They want you to be their leader but you have to have sex with them first.

[b]Wizard's First Rule[/b] - You have two very odd-looking cows.

Or

[b]Wizard's First Rule[/b] - You have two cows. One makes you [s]fall in love with it[/s] eat your own genitals and the other punches a melon-sized hole in your chest.

[b]The Wheel of Time[/b] - You have two cows. Eventually they will drive you insane just like everyone else who has had two cows.
[b]
A Song of Ice and Fire[/b] - You have two cows. They both get killed.


This is what happens when I get bored at work....

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You have two cows...

[b]Laurell K Hamilton: [/b]
One of them turns out to be a were-cow and has kinky bondage sex with the other one, who is a vampire cow.

[b]Shakespeare[/b]
One of them is a bull in disguise, who falls in love with the other cow with hilarious consequences.

[b]Robert Jordan[/b]
One of the cows sniffs and folds her legs beneath her udders, while the other one tugs her braid and smooths her skirt.

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[b]Philip K. Dick[/b] You have two cows. One of them watches you when your back is turned. The other has stolen your drugs on behalf of the government.

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[b]The Bible[/b] You have two cows. Two chickens. Two giraffes. And an ark.

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[b]Robinson Crueso[/b] You have two cows. They're starting to look mighty attractive.

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[b]Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy[/b]
You have two cows. They are both off-world galactic hitch hikers who don't take you with them when the Earth is bulldozed.

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[b]Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde[/b]
You have two cows. One of them is a right evil bastard. And come to think of it, you've never seen them both in the same room...

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Star Wars

You have two cows. One is your long lost sister and then the other turns round and declares 'I am your father' in a raspy voice.

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[b]Scar Night/Iron Angel:[/b] "You have two cows; they will end up in hell eventually.

[b]Shadowbridge:[/b] "You have two puppet cows".

[b]Neuropath:[/b] "Your brain has two cows".

[b]Battlestar Galactica: [/b]"You have two cows and they have a plan".

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[b]Jane Austen:[/b]
Alas, I can never wed because all I possess is two cows, what will become of me?

[b]Tolkien[/b]
Two cows to rule them all.

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[b]Julian May[/b]: Two cows, one operant, one latent. Doomed to conflict.

[b]Stephen Donaldson[/b]: Two cows, one has BSE and complains about it, a lot. The other falls in love anyway.

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[b]Narnia[/b] You have two cows, and you can't get either one to shut up.

[b]Phillip Pullman[/b] You had one cow, as close to you as part of your soul, but the Catholic church stole it from you.

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[b]Elfquest[/b]
You have two cows. One is obsessed with finding more cows and the other just wants to look at the stars and eat dreamberries.

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[b]Hal Duncan[/b]
Your two cows are actually different versions of the same cow from alternate parts of the Vellum, and avatars of the Sumerian cow-god. And they're both gay.

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[b]The Sword of Shannara[/b] Two Cows to rule them all.

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[b]The Blade Itself:[/b] "Say something of your two cows, say that they are pawns in a game played by mighty badass bastards, just like you".

[b]Altered Carbon: [/b]"You have two cow sleeves; they will have to do until you find better ones. Thanks to your envoy training you can overcome this problem and move to the next screen".

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World War Z: You have two cows, but they are eaten by Zombies.

Sergei Lukyanenko: You have two post communist cows, one of them is incredibly powerful, tho other moreso. they both battle the forces of darkness.

Deadwood: you have two c#cksucking cows, but they are c#nts and end up being fed to Mr Wu's Pigs.

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[b]Erikson:[/b]
Your two cows have hitherto-undiscovered cow powers, with which they will defeat the slightly-less-badass ancestors of cows that we thought had become extinct.

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