You have two cows

[Nous]

[b]R.A Salvatore.[/b] You have two good cows. They both hate life in your farm. All your other cows are evil. One of the good cows displeases you, and the evil cows sacrifice the other one to appease you. The surviving good cow flees to the farm of kindly old McDonald.

[b]H.P Lovecraft.[/b] You have two cows. This gives you no comfort, for you have had a mercifully brief glimpse into the true nature of the universe. Mankind is as ephemeral to the cyclopean cosmic horrors as a mayfly is to a man. When the stars are right, the Old Ones will rise and humanity will die. It will have existed only briefly, hardly even a distraction to eldritch, ancient terrors. It will leave no greater mark behind than will your two cows.

[Bormon]

[b]George Orwell:[/b] You have two cows, and the big one is always watching.

[Cuchulain]

[b]Gemmell[/b] - You have two cows. You think because they're old and grey that they're weak and easy prey in battle. The one cow greets your misconception with a two-bladed axe to the head, the other with a quarrel through the eye.

[b]Lynch[/b] - You have two cows. They both play games and pretend to be something they're not. Discovery of this will lead to an inevitable hit in the solar plexus.

[L'Sana]

[b]Sword of Truth[/b]: You have two beings that look like cows, but they are not cows. They are evil. They are in league with the chicken.

[Anomandaris Dragnipurake]

[b]Steven Erikson[/b] - You have two cows. Both are pulling on a cart running away from chaos. One of them is wondering why that Tiste Andii did not simply use a knife when he wanted to eat.

[b]Iain M. Banks[/b] - You have two cows. One is a Culture citizen who just wanted to enjoy eating grass. The other is a Special Circumstances drone disguised as a cow which plans to overthrow the evil cow empire using the other cow as its agent.

[Arthmail]

[b]Market Forces (Morgan):[/b] You have two cows. One is at the top of the barnyard ladder. The other wants to be. After a lengthy friendship, the second cow climbs to the top by crushing the skull of the other after a lengthy run through a meadow. That cow is now a partner in Farm Risk International.

[b]Altered Carbon (Morgan):[/b] You have two cows. One fucks the other six ways from sunday before going on a killing spree in the farm yard. The cow kills four sheep, two goats, six horses, the farmer, the farmers daughter, three kittens, a goose and the aging hound dog while trying to understand the supposed "self-milking" of the third cow, the one who hired him. The second cow is upset with what the first cow has done, but only for a minute, before they start fucking again.

[b]Black Man (Morgan):[/b] You have two cows. But one is not just a cow, its a black cow, a Black Bull in fact. The other bulls are made nervous by the sheer power and masculinity of the Black Bull, while all the cows want to fuck him. The Black Bulls job is to bring in other bulls that have left the field, usually with lethal force. There is copious fucking.

[b]Dune (Herbert): [/b] You have two cows. One cow is very special, a result of a special breeding program of the Bene Farmer. He is the Kwisatz Udderach - the one who can milk in many places at once. It is he who will lead his millions of Frecows across the pastures, like a fire of death across the known universe, trying to end the tryanny of the Milkstraad.

[b]Hunters of Dune (Brian Herbert and Kevin J. Anderson): [/b] You have two cows. They milk a great series for all it is worth. The milk is already congealing. Frank Herbert rolls around in his grave.

[b]Robert Jordan:[/b] You have two cows, they are joined by another, a bull. One who can "touch the tainted source of all milk, where females fear to tread." They do fuck all for a very long time.

[AverageGuy]

[b]Joe Abercrombie[/b] You have two cows. That's it. You have to be realistic.

[b]Joe Haldeman[/b] You have two cows. Due to relativistic travel, you get more cows. Then you have no cows.

[b]Jennifer Fallon[/b] You have two cows. One disappears. You start a new religion.

[b]George RR Martin[/b] The cow has two heads.

[Arthmail]

[b]Count of Monte Cristo (Dumas):[/b] You have two cows. One is awesome at everything. The other cows are jealous, and they get him in trouble with the farmer. The farmer sends him to the meat packing plant to be slaughtered, but with the help of a distinguished older cow, he escapes. He returns to the farm to enact his terrible revenge.

[b]Gates of Fire (Pressfield): [/b] You have two cows. Plus 298 more. Together they must hold the pass against the relentless hordes of the House of Steak Empire. The 300, along with a few others that are not really important, fight to the death so that other cattle might live.

[kcf]

Soylent Green: One cow is horrified to discover he ate the other cow

[Errant Bard]

[b]Alexandre Dumas[/b] - You have two cows. A man from your past comes, and you wind up in mad despair, with no cows.

[b]Daniel Abraham[/b] - You have two cows. These are the only cows in the world, because your ancestors bound the concept of cow to reality through a poem.

[b]Süskind[/b] - You have two cows. You kill them to get a drop of cow essence, that you use to attract four more cows.

[b]Leiber[/b] - You have two cows. Supernatural events rob you of them, but you get it on with the girls who helped stealing them.

[b]Brin[/b] - You have two cows. Both are sentient, and with your help, manage to win against large hostile alien hordes.

[b]Hobb[/b] - You have two cows. But you cannot allow anyone to know about it. Noone can know the suffering of your heart or your power over them. You milk them from the shadows.

[Zach H]

These are pretty fun:

[b]Robert Jordan:[/b] You have two cows. One knows all about women. The other knows all about women.

[b]George R.R. Martin:[/b] You have two cows. One is brutally murdered. The other has a big dinner.

[b]Stephen King:[/b] You have two cows. One fled across the farm, and the other followed.

[b]Neal Stephenson:[/b] You have two cows. Suitably regular complex-valued periodic functions on the real line have Fourier series and these functions can be recovered from their Fourier series.
[b]
China Mieville:[/b] You have two cows. And a bunch of supercool monsters. Society is still going to screw you.

[Nerdanel]

[b]The Hobbit[/b] You have legally inherited a herd of cows but the herd has been stolen. You and your friends go on a lengthy quest to get the herd back from a famous bandit, since the two cows you actually have in your possession aren't nearly enough. You succeed but end up dying when everyone and their neighbor decides to use the opportunity to snatch some of the bandit's numerous cows now that he's dead and things come to blows. Your grave is decorated with the skull of the finest cow in the herd.

[b]The Lord of the Rings[/b] You have one cow. You think the cow, whom you have started to call Precious, is whispering you about how it can produce enough milk to flood the worldwide market and drown your competitors.

[b]Stephen King[/b] You have two cows. One is haunted. The other is ordinary and you only have it for making your memoirs longer and more full of local color.

[b]The City and the Stars[/b] You can have unlimited virtual cows but you are afraid of pastures.

[b]Ubik[/b] You have two cows... Wait, now they're two aurochs!

[b]Memory, Sorrow and Thorn[/b] You have one cow and are questing to complete a set of three cows. You figure it will help, somehow.

[b]Chronicles of The Raven[/b] You have five cows. They insist on calling themselves "The Giraffe" and their produce WarmMilk. They look so tough that you have to go along with their habitual capital letter abuse.

[b]The Sacred Seven[/b] You have one cow. It is your twin brother in disguise. It does not produce milk and is really very lame for a cow.

[b]Narnia[/b] You have two cows. You wonder which Biblical allegory they are supposed to represent.

[b]His Dark Materials[/b] You have two cows. You have a lot of fun adventures running away from moral guardians. Then it is revealed to you that the only way to save the universe is for you, the chosen one, to engage in bestiality.

[b]Lord of Light[/b] You have two cows. Your neighbors pay for their food, as you have convinced your neighbors to consider the cows holy.

[b]Mordant's Need[/b] You are a wizard of a cow breeder. You have bred two cows. One milks salt water, the other waves of carnivorous maggots. You are trying to breed a cow that milks milk. You hope your experiments will pay off in your lifetime.

[Gold Storm]

[quote name='Arthmail' post='1432150' date='Jul 8 2008, 13.24'][b]Count of Monte Cristo (Dumas):[/b] You have two cows. One is awesome at everything. The other cows are jealous, and they get him in trouble with the farmer. The farmer sends him to the meat packing plant to be slaughtered, but with the help of a distinguished older cow, he escapes. He returns to the farm to enact his terrible revenge.[/quote]

:bow: :rofl: :lmao:

[b]Ken Follett-World Without End-[/b] You have two cows, you used too have thousands, but all of the rest died from the Black Plague. One of the cows likes to build the other one like too put its nose in everybody's else business.

[gyrehead]

[b]Goodkind I[/b] -- you have two cows. Every time you milk them, they seem to enjoy it waaaaay too much and you always feel dirty

[b]Goodkind II[/b] -- you have two cows. Two very productive cows who have produced lots of milk over the years and even bred successfully to produce other cows of their prolific but bizarre breed. And then you decide they are dogs. You try to run them to the Fox Hunt. You keep throwing things at them demanding they "catch". You even spend an inordinate amount of time showing everyone and anyone how much they are dogs by trying to show where their "kick" spot is. To no avail.

[b]Martin[/b] -- you have two cows. Calves actually. Not even weaned. But they have taken over the whole farm, one through stealth assassins on the chicken population and the other by climbing over The Wall.

[b]Jordan[/b] -- you have two cows. Who have hooked up with one Bull.

[b]Newcomb[/b] -- you have two cows. But you keep slopping them and oinking at them.

[b]Bilsborough[/b] -- you have two cows. You keep saying you have now invented milk and the burger

[b]Lynch[/b] -- you have two cows. You harness them to a carriage and treat them exactly like horses and have now been lauded for re-defining the farm animal

[b]Anne Bishop[/b] -- you have two cows. You spend all your time coming up with immature salacious ways to describe their udders and the milking process.

[b]Jacqueline Carey[/b] -- you have two cows. One really seems to actually enjoy being branded distracting you while the other cow released the rest of the animals.

[b]Trudi Canavan[/b] -- you have two cows. the prettier one turns out to be evil while the pure sweet one is always getting into the pen with a much older and completely unsuitable bull

[b]David Eddings[/b] -- you have two cows. who could not be more cow like. who come in to be milked exactly on time every time. Moo exactly like a cow should moo. And are the dullest most bovine of bovines you could imagine.

[b]Naomi Novik[/b] -- you have two cows. One just wants to eat and sleep the other is leading a crusade for cows to have the right to vote, own property and is always going off and making friends and enemies of cows on neighboring farms.

[b]Mercedes Lackey[/b] -- you have two cows. Who somehow have managed to take the entire local Troubled Youth Shelter under their udders and has them all living in the shed.

[b]Terry Brooks[/b] -- you have two cows. Actually you have two dead cows. Two dead cows that have been dead for so long that they now look like a pair of shoes. And yet every day you still get out your stool. Get out your bucket....

[b]Raymond E. Feist[/b] -- you have two cows. One is now mated with a Zebra. The other is a phsycist working on Particle Acceleration and might just be approaching deification. And not just in India.

[Arthmail]

[quote name='gyrehead' post='1432207' date='Jul 8 2008, 16.05'][b]Lynch[/b] -- you have two cows. You harness them to a carriage and treat them exactly like horses and have now been lauded for re-defining the farm animal[/quote]


Awesome. And so true.

[b]King (just expanding upon a previous entry):[/b] The cow that was black fled across the pasture, and the Milkslinger followed.

[b]Arthmail:[/b] You have two cows. So you slaughter them, cover them in HP, and eat them. And they are good.

[b]Sting Vs. Bowie:[/b] You have two cows. One is awesome beyond belief, and is named Sting. The other is a stringy old thing not worth the hide, named Bowie. Bowie Cow moo's off key, and likes to sleep with Jagger-Cow. This makes all of the other farm animals sick. Sting-Cow stays awesome forever. --- Thats for you Myskin.

[IheartTesla]

[b]Bart Simpson[/b]: Dont have two cows, man!

What? Someone had to do it.

[Mlle. Zabzie]

[b]Lian Hearn[/b] You have two cows, but one of them is Hidden.

[Maltaran]

Peter F Hamilton - You have two cows. One is a psychopath who is possessed by the spirits of long-dead cows and tries to destroy all cows in the galaxy. The other finds a deus ex machina to stop him.

[beniowa]

These are fantastic! I tried to come up with some that others haven't done yet,

[b]The Prestige.[/b] You have two cows. They have a rivalry over which can produce the best magical milk.

[b]Old Man’s War.[/b] You have two cows. They are green and genetically modified to kick alien ass!

[b]Already Dead.[/b] You have one vampire-cow. It prefers to be a loner, gets pissed off and kills half of the other vampire-cows in the pasture.

[b]The Dresden Files.[/b] You have one cow. It’s a wisecracking wizard-cow that picks a fight with every badass villain in the pasture.

[b]Book of the New Sun.[/b] You have one cow. It may be the culmination and savior of cowkind, but it’s hard to tell because it lies.

[Serious Callers Only]

[b]Sean Williams Saturn Returns[/b]
You are a cow, painstakingly reassembled from the explosion of your hidden hard copy by a alien collective intelligence. There are just a few problems, you don't remember everything and you think you used to be a bull.

[b]Paul Kerney The Sea Beggars[/b]
You are a bull, trained from birth be an assassin and attracted to your cow teacher - getting it on will be the catalyst for tragedy, adventure and revenge.

[b]Tom Holt Olympiad.[/b]
Two mad competitive cows spark war.

[b]Tom Holt Alexander at the World's End[/b]
Your fucked up colt pupil grows up into a fucked up bull warrior that pisses on your philosophy and takes you for the ride.

[b]Tom Holt Song of Nero[/b]
Two young bulls, remarkably similar, one in a position of power the other a con-bull. The vagaries of politics spell disaster, but the story is only starting.

[b]Glen Cook - Darkwar[/b]
You are a hard as nails young heifer who is discriminated against for being a rural dope. Undaunted, by the force of your power, personality firepower and a little genocide you rise to heights of dominance never before seen, as the [b][i]Doomstalker[/i][/b], the greatest witch-cow ever. As you grow old and your empire crumbles about you, sensing that the time of the witch cow is at the end you make the final Ceremony assuring victory at the cost of your lifeforce.
The herd still thinks you will return in case of great need.