The Board Stock Ticker

[AutumnEvenings]

You can't afford me, old man.

[Colder Hands]

CH & Johnson's stock looked to be dipping with heavy investment in the real boarder's of genius thread. it was falling fast but with great input from Jacen and Mack it started a resurgence.

its still a risk stock but has found its legs and could yield a small profit.

the quarterly reports are projected to come in at a 35% gain.

[Mlle. Zabzie]

Zabzyman Sachs is pleased to announce the launch of its new financial product - Feline DIVES[sup]TM[/sup]*. Prospective purchasers should read the offering memorandum dated 23 July for more information; all information contained herein is subject to and qualified in its entirety by the information contained therein. Offer only available to QBs** Feline DIVES[sup]TM[/sup] provide investors with a derivative position in a diversified collection of the best and most valuable posts (hedged appropriately by pure dross, windbaggery and innuendo) by well-known, blue-chip, feline posters. Both Limecat and Shryke Co. are well represented (and appropriately hedged) and we are happy to offer positions in newly catted posters, such as Frogeater SAS. Please contact us for more information.



[sub]*Not related to, affiliated with or in any way connected to Feline PRIDES, LYONS or similar products[/sub]
[sub]**QB means "qualified boarders", persons with post counts exceeding a certain statutory limit who have not royally ticked us off. Please consult your investment professional as to whether you qualify.[/sub]

[Inigima]

[quote name='Lany Cassandra' post='1453131' date='Jul 23 2008, 16.12'][/quote]
Unquestionably a corporation's unsubtle and possibly illegal attempt to inflate the value of its own stock. For shame!

Meanwhile, there has been nary a mention of power player Initech, sparking widespread concerns about the legitimacy of the COON exchange. Further bulletins as events warrant.

[Jacen]

[quote name='C. John' post='1453088' date='Jul 23 2008, 14.48']Colleagues, Associates, Friends:

Before we swallow the tall-tales of the Jacen Syndicate wholesale, let us consider the following questions:

1. Do you think that an otter might tell you a lie?
2. Do you think that a beautiful woman might tell you a lie?
3. Would you tell a lie to an otter?
4. Would you tell a lie to a beautiful woman?

I trust that you answered these questions honestly. The writing is on the wall, folks. Through company logo's alone we can see which company is more dedicated to cultivating a relationship based on trust and honesty (mine), not only with it's share holders, but with the community at large and with each and every one of you.[/quote]


Cute and cuddly animals like the [url="http://www.sptimes.com/News/120301/Xpress/You_otter_be_careful.shtml"]otter[/url] are dangerous. They are so cute, awwwwwwwwwww, then they snap their jaws shut and your hand is gone.

Our business relationship with our customers and shareholders is much like a beautiful woman- incredibly soothing, easy on the eyes, sexy as hell, and something to live for. What's "honesty and trust" got on that shit?!

These parables for the ages apply to the shady business strategies of C.John Corp. who through their press release dot are once again trying to swindle the global investment community into attacks against Jacen Syndicate.

In other news, Jacen Syndicate hires Anatole Kuragin Military Contractor's to protect them from possible industrial sabotage and perhaps open warfare.

[Colder Hands]

THIS JUST IN!!!!

Jim Cramer has just reported on Mad Money that a huge Burning Crotch scare has gone through the board. The huge Con set to rekindle interest in the boards and swell stories and posts is now in jeopardy.

The fear being some of the No Pants Boarder's and Ask for Naked Pic's Boarders will show in Denver and deliver crotch's of fire to any that drink.

This is a monster development, he just said SELL!!!!

[Space Bandito]

I remind you all that the NFL and other Sports related threads are primed for a tremendous surge after a slow summer. However the Mods, err Feds may need to step in to regulate any mergers and disagreements between investors. Some investors from smaller or western markets constantly clash with their eastern partners for control of the companies.

[Lany Freelove Cassandra]

After receiving allegations of instability, fraud and artificially inflated stock priced, a joint SEC and FBI task force raided Cassandra Enterprises, Inc. The 100 year old Victorian mansion contained many things that the agents were not able to identify and they are still not sure what services exactly are provided there. All the financial records were taken. Investors, who are very likely clients as well, dumped their stock after the media called for the client list to be made public. Stocks are now down to $.12 per share. When asked about the sudden turn of events, CEO Lany had this to say: “This was my greatest fear. The fundamentalist, fearing anything slightly different from their own narrow views have sabotaged my company, but I will not let it fail.”

[Colder Hands]

i have inside information about a company thats about to present itself. its currently getting together an assembly of boarders to take over.

PM for details. no insider trading narcs

[Jacen]

Jacen Syndicate's CEO spoke candidly on other topics while dining at the Plaza in NYC. He was quoted as saying :

"I have grave doubts about the liquidity of Shryke Corp.'s assets. Rather than fearing his hostile-takeovers, I instead predict a 3 or as many as 4- to- one split on his stock anyday now."

"I'm going to trust in Jim Cramer, with a hearty SELL on the burning crotch thing."

He also remarked casually that he would like to hire more lawyers such as Raidne and Zasby to bolster his already impressive line-up of attorneys, lawyers and other legal professionals. Tentative offers will be made later this week.

[Dumas]

After yet another Three Musketeers movie tanked terribly due to poor writing and wooden writing, Dumas Pictures' stock fell below a penny a share. The company president was last seen in his office yesterday morning, which has a spectacular view of downtown LA from its seventieth floor balcony. The company is rumoured to be heading towards breakup.

[Laron]

Katze&Archer is pleased to announce that we could acquire a 51% majority in Cassandra Enterprises, Inc. with the CEO's lunch money.
In a future board meeting, we will discuss a possible relocation of Cassandra's core business to Nevada or Europe.

[Kelli Fury]

While Limecat's work has not helped his market value any, purchases of citrus fruit and Humane Society adoptions have gone up.

[Lord of Oop North]

[i]Hello, I'm Limecat, and I am Not Pleased.

Camorra investment in Anatole Kuragin Inc. was nearly universally withdrawn after slandering the feminine product of the Italian nation. Total financial collapse was halted when LooN Construction Contracting Inc. bought up the stock on the down-low, reportedly the company has major interest in using Tricia Helfer brand in order to distract the competition's labour force. Stock in Dinsdale took a slight hit, after rumours of it being based in Nigeria surfaced. Pomelocatvar and Limecatvar have reached an agreement regarding the marketing and distribution of their respective catvar. This, however, does not negate the ongoing lawsuit between the two companies. Speculators are whispering that Zabzyman Sach is actually underperforming, and is attempting to boost it's stock performance by fudging it's total billable hours. Insiders are saying that the numbers don't add up. "It is highly unlikely that one person is actually working that much." says one stock trader. The buyout of Raidne Legal fell through, after the potential new owner played some flaky dirty tricks. The rumour is that CEO Raidne is seeking to establish her brand in a new market, away from unappreciative and hard-to-please customers, such as yuppies. After being accused of unethical business practices by Federal authorities, Burr Corp. and Mandy Corp. lost market confidence, resulting in a slight downturn.

In related news, KSI is still banned.

Despite the popular markets of NorCal, DC Metro, and Eurocommieland, certain industry insiders are saying "The future is in the mid-west". One analyst has said, "Minnesota and Wisconsin are under-the-radar, but of serious value. No one takes notice, because it's trendy to go east or west. Long-term futures are stable, and profits are practically guaranteed."[/i]

[timmet]

Our recent approaches (re: private equity scheme) to Warren Buffett were rebuffed, but we had better success with a public iniquity scheme put to Jimmy Buffett, who seemed pretty responsive, tho in a mellow unresponsive way. Our angle: you wanna hedge, talk to the Hedgehog. That fucking Gecko is [i]so[/i] going down.

Beginning in September, we will leverage royalties from [i]Margaritaville[/i] to offer a twenty percent premium to holders of RANCorp shares. Or we'll give you some In'n'Out Burger coupons for proxy rights. We intend a takeover that'll make the chick fight in [i]Barfly[/i] look like just another dumb Mickey Rourke film. This is the big one, people. Who's in?

[Geddon]

[quote name='Inigima' post='1453312' date='Jul 23 2008, 22.31']Meanwhile, there has been nary a mention of power player Initech, sparking widespread concerns about the legitimacy of the COON exchange. Further bulletins as events warrant.[/quote]

Initech would probably prefer that the silence had lasted longer. Rumours of management problems related to Initech's internal TPS reporting system had been floating around the exchange for some time but nothing concrete had been heard until today.

The news is not good. It seems that some disgruntled members of staff were able to penetrate system security and siphon a significant amount of money from Initech's accounts by installing a rogue piece of credit software. It also appears that the investigation into this issue is being hampered by a recent fire at Initech headquarters.

Initech stock took a small hit some weeks back when word of an imminent downsizing operation shook investor confidence. News of the recent problems is expected to have an even more serious impact on the normally bulletproof stock.

[Deaf Dick]

[i]Preliminary indications have the blue chip Ser Scott Ellison Inc bullish up to and through the 4th quarter. While weathering withering criticism for what some consider too conservative management, the earnings have remained stable. A significant lack of competition in the conservative niche of the asoiaf market coupled with an election year rally, and several election proxy fights with rival DanteGabriel should spur double digit increases in earnings for the 4th quarter. [/i]

[DanteGabriel]

[quote name='Space Bandito' post='1453327' date='Jul 23 2008, 17.42']I remind you all that the NFL and other Sports related threads are primed for a tremendous surge after a slow summer. However the Mods, err Feds may need to step in to regulate any mergers and disagreements between investors. Some investors from smaller or western markets constantly clash with their eastern partners for control of the companies.[/quote]
[i]DDGAAG is prepared to release a position paper regarding the viability of expanding its activities into the busy NBA threads market, poised to make a splash with its portfolio consisting of Hate Kobe, Support Celtics, and Fairweather Fan Asshole. The Dante/Gabriel syndicate tested out this market at the end of the previous NBA season and found significant potential to experience explosive growth. DDGAAG aims to make itself a dependable year-round sports brand, and is steadily stockpiling A-Rod jokes.[/i]

(That was just a joke YW, I'm content to keep myself in the NFL threads. ;))

[Young Wolf]

[quote name='DanteGabriel' post='1453751' date='Jul 23 2008, 21.42'](That was just a joke YW, I'm content to keep myself in the NFL threads. ;))[/quote]

And I shall meet you for battle on those grounds as well sir! :P

YW

[Anatole Kuragin]

Anatole Kuragin begins its campaign of guerrilla warfare by RickRollin' in excess of 185 civilians.

The professional opinion is in: buy now before JaceCo goes to war with JohnTech causing mercenary costs to skyrocket.