Ever had somebody burglarize your home while you were taking a crap?

[Lord O' Bones]

So, I'm sitting on the toilet working out some "issues" when I hear a knock at the front door. I'm about to jump in the shower before I head to work, so I think to myself "Sorry, UPS guy, come back tomorrow."

Then I hear the door open. The hell? I heard my roommate leave an hour ago, but why would he knock first anyway? Maybe his girlfriend? So I finish my business, 1. wrap a towel around my waist (the smallest bath towel I own; this is relevant later) and 2. flush the toilet. I numbered these actions, because I and most other people would have normally done this in reverse order. The difference this time is critical.

I walk past the bedrooms into the living room to see the door is slightly open. Nobody that's welcome to come into our house when we're not here would do that as we have two housecats. I shut the door at this point for that reason.

Still suspicious, I walk to my room and grab the baseball bat just inside the door (coincidence today, intentional henceforth.)

I step into the roomie's room; no roomie, no girlfriend.

Puzzled, I walk back to the front door and look all around the porch again. Still nothing. Did someone just walk up, open my door, and leave? The hell?

I turn around to see the INTRUDER now standing in the living room. WHAT THE FUCK!? (Must have been hiding in my closet until that point.)

The intruder was, and this is key, a small woman. My sense of imminent danger flared and then dropped to mere outrage in a few seconds. This is important, because had that been some dude, I am now certain I'd've started swinging and one or two people would have been hurt or dead, and this being California, one or two people would have been in jail right now.

She gave me some story about how she was hiding from her boyfriend, that he was going to kill her, and would I call the police? She must have known I didn't carry a cell phone in my fucking bath towel, because asking me to call the police was a brilliant way to lend veracity to her story, but I'm pretty sure she's not that smart. As luck would have it, my phone was in my pants along with a big empty space where my wallet usually hung out.

MOTHERFUCKER!!!

As I ran for the once again open front door, it briefly occured to me that running out into the street in a small bath towel brandishing a deadly weapon, and screaming invective a small woman was probably crazy, but I'm me so out I went.

The aspiring MENSA applicant was sitting in her car going through my wallet. You know, rather than driving off. So now I'm standing in the middle of a busy street at noon, mostly naked and threatening a woman with a bat. That's the big picture. The little picture has me getting my wallet back, then standing in front of her car (in retrospect, probably my stupidest act of the day) while I checked for the cash, then back the the window to get my cash back, then standing in front of her car while I checked for my VISA card, then back to the window to get that back, then finally stomping back towards my house. I should try some of these moves on the dance floor sometime.

I have no fucking idea how, but the towel lasted until I get back to my porch before it belatedly fell off as I stepped inside.

Back to the big picture. The saddest part of the story. There is an angry, almost naked man in the street waving a bat around and screaming at an obviously cowed woman. What do you do about it? No one stopped. I mean, no one. And there was traffic whizzing by, oh yes. A few houses down from where the "incident" was taking place, two guys came out the front door, glanced over at us, got in their car and left. I get that maybe nobody wants to tangle with someone who clearly resembles a fucking lunatic, but at least call the cops? I sat outside for fifteen minutes and no police even drove by.

People of Mountain View, go fuck yourselves.

So I got my wallet and all of it's contents back. Sweet. Nobody was hurt. Awesome! But now I'm too amped to even get in the shower. So I put on some pants and stepped back out to the porch to smoke my adrenaline away... only to discover that she'd made off with my lighter.

Bitch!

[BLU-RAY]

Holy shit. That's probably the most ridiculous story I've heard this... ever. Ever! Fuck.

Uh, glad no one was hurt?

Man, people are fuckin' idiots.

ETA: Forgot the most important part of this story: you do have a spare lighter, right?

ETA2: Also, what brady said.

[delete this account pls]

I'm really sorry Bones, but I'm laughing my ass off here.

ETA; Try and take a lesson from this - lock yer door, even when your at home.

[TrueMetis]

I don't know whether to laugh or not. On the one hand this bitch stole from you, but one the other hand the thought of a guy in the middle of the street in nothing but a towel waving a bat is hillarious :lol: Laughter wins. I have to ask what type of lighter was it? Hope it was only a shitty disposable.

[Xray the Enforcer]

You should have totally starting singing Stab Stabby Stab Stab Stabby Stab to her while menacing her with that bat.

Glad no one was hurt. But how the fuck did she get in the front door in the first place?

[Jaime L]

I think a lighter is definitely worth it for a story that will kill at parties from now 'til forever.

[The_BlauerDragon]

That sucks, but glad to hear that all she got off with was your lighter. Um... There isn't anything else missing, is there? Anyway, it'll make a good story.

I have to ask though, why didn't you make her lay down on the floor with her hands behind her back (and the door locked) while you went and grabbed your phone to call the police? Even if she'd been running from an abusive boyfriend or husband, I don't think that would have been an unreasonable request to make of someone who'd entered your house uninvited (and even though a bat is not as threatening as a gun, it would have still given you some room for persuading cooperation).

I bet it was the towel, wasn't it? That would make sense.

[Arbor Gold]

:lol:

*locks door*

*fucks self*

Glad you got your stuff back and nobody was hurt or arrested. If I found a stranger in my living room I would probably scream, then faint.

[Max the Mostly Mediocre]

Wow.

Uh, glad that worked out for you. Mostly. Less glad the people of MV can go fuck themselves.

[Lord O' Bones]

The locked door. My roomate and I had never bothered to lock the door when one of us was home. Apparently, this policy is made of FAIL, and has been changed.

The lighter, was a shitty BIC that I leave on the porch. I have many others. But the irony of that moment was almost heartbreaking.

Laugh away! I waited eight hours to post this for the sense of violation and fear to give way to the sense of hilarity that will be this story's legacy.

[Relic]

Wow, thats pretty crazy...

[The Wolf Maid]

I am not happy that this happened but I am happy that I got to read about it.

...my sentiments exactly.

Glad you're OK!

[TrueMetis]

The locked door. My roomate and I had never bothered to lock the door when one of us was home. Apparently, this policy is made of FAIL, and has been changed.

The lighter, was a shitty BIC that I leave on the porch. I have many others. But the irony of that moment was almost heartbreaking.

Laugh away! I waited eight hours to post this for the sense of violation and fear to give way to the sense of hilarity that will be this story's legacy.

I think it's weird that you have to lock your door, especially when your at home.

[Stubby]

I think we need to settle on some titles. One for the incident itself and another for the intrudor herself.

I humbly submit that this henceforth be known as the 'Turdburgler" incident. The title should cover a) the incident and b) the offender.

[TrueMetis]

I humbly submit that this henceforth be known as the 'Turdburgler" incident. The title should cover a) the incident and b) the offender.

:rofl:

[Sis Who Swears]

:rofl:

Wow, best story EVA.

Uh... yeah... glad you're okay, REALLY!!

That could have been so much worse like you said. And holy shit what the FUCK is the matter with people??? :o

Sorry about not being able to soothe yourself with some lovely, lovely nicotine. That IS the true tragedy of the story. :grouphug:

Did ya hafta use the stove? Toaster? Fucking bitch.

I had a similar thing happen last summer, although I had just got out of the shower, and I felt pretty defenseless hiding behind a small towel. My intruder was a tall, scary looking, skinny crack whore. Thankfully I caught her before she took anything, and that my old deaf dog FINALLY woke the fuck up. She was scared of the dog, which was A. Good. Thing. cuz I was sooo not prepared for violence. And also a funny thing cuz he probably would have just licked her to death anyways.

Lesson 1:

No matter how freaky hot it is, NEVER leave you're patio door open/door unlocked when you're not in the room. Or indisposed. Or taking a crap/shower.

Lesson 2: Always have a bat/pool cue/golf club/big dog/big man handy. :thumbsup:

[Lord O' Bones]

I should clarify, the door will not be locked all the time, just when the rommate leaves in the morning and I'm still asleep, when I leave in the evening and he's taking a nap, or anytime one of us leaves and the other is in the shower/bathroom.

Also, I forgot to mention, my wallet had 12 dollars cash in it. In the other back pocket of my jeans was 80 bucks cash. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA STUPIDHEAD!!! I only freaked out in the first place because of the Driver's license/VISA card/military ID! I would have never remembered what happened to that 80 bucks.

Also also, at one point she asked if she could at least keep ten bucks. I shit you not.

[Sis Who Swears]

Also also, at one point she asked if she could at least keep ten bucks. I shit you not.

Now THAT takes some serious balls.

Or SERIOUS fucktard-ness.

Wow.

[Kat]

Damn Bones. That story is crazy.

*goes to lock door*

But I am also laughing my ass off at the picture of you running around in a towel. Again, apologies, and glad no one was hurt.

[Ocean of Notions]

Holy shit (no pun intended), this story is amazing. You can't even make this shit up. And who has the nerve to ask for money after you were caught in the act of burglary?

(Glad things worked out, sans lighter of course.)