Goodkind XLVI: Behold the BRILLIANCE

[Tormund Ukrainesbane]

There is no shame in giving up. I made it all the way to whatever the last one is...Confesor? But I couldn't even open it. No one will judge you for abandoning ship.

[Myshkin]

You fuckers have failed to step it up like I told you to, so now it is up to me. I wracked my brain all day trying to come up with something to parody, but my mind kept coming back to one work, and one work only. I've been putting off this project for years as it is the largest undertaking I've ever attempted. You see no one has ever tried to parody the one obvious work of fantasy that deserves the Tairy treatment. So without further ado I present to you The Eye of the World, as written by Tairy Goodkind:

Wizard's First Rule

A Myshkin Joint

Fuck! It turns out someone already did this. Give me a minute, and I'll see if I can't cobble something else together.

[Myshkin]

Ok, I'm back. I had a flash of brilliance in the 3 seconds since my last post, and managed to pound out something really special. I present to you:

Law & Imperial Order

Socialist Intent

A Myshkin Joint

(You should will listen to

while reading the first scene)

A dingy apartment. Low wattage bare bulbs cast a depressing light on the brown papered walls. On the table sits a bowl of potatoes . On the window sill several nesting dolls are arranged. A man in a red shirt argues with his wife, who is nude save for a fur hat.

"You cannot go through with this." the wife beseeches.

"You do not understand, this is my calling, my life's work." the man replies, "I can not not go through with it.".

"You will get caught, and then where will I be?" the wife whines, "Nowhere, that's where! Without the strength of a good man I am nothing. Less than nothing, I am just a silly woman."

"I will not get caught, and if I do you will have to suffer on without me. What I do I do for the people. This is bigger than just you and me." The man shakes his head sadly, takes one last look at his wife's boobies, and walks out the door.

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Midnight. A community garden. The man in the red shirt speaks heatedly, but quietly, with a man in a fine suit. The night is dark, and they are alone, but the man in the fine suit seems at ease. He is confident in himself, and knows that he is too important to feel threatened by the man in the red shirt.

"What you do is wrong, and you know it. Your actions and attitude harm the common man." the man in the red shirt whispers hoarsely.

"I don't see how what I do harms anyone." says the man in the fine suit, "In fact my success is the gateway for others to find success. They may never be as successful as me, but then they are not as driven as me."

"I can not stand by and watch this anymore old friend." says the man in the red shirt, "A reckoning is coming, and you will be caught in its wake."

The man in the fine suit shakes his head in pity and begins to make his way back to the Bentley waiting for him at the curb.

The man in the red shirt, all caution forgotten, yells after him, "A reckoning Darken! And you and your ilk shall fall!"

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Early morning. Two men walk through a parking garage on their way back from the gym. It looks just like a parking garage should.

"Then she said she'd never done that before." says one man to the other.

The second man laughs, "Are you sure she wasn't lying, just trying to make herself look innocent?"

"No, no, I could tell. She wasn't no whore."

"Listen, I know women, and they always say they've never done that, but they always have. Trust me on this."

The two men walk past a Bentley, continuing their conversation on the slutiness of women in general.

"Wait, did you see that?" says the first man.

"Yeah, nice car." says the second.

"No, there was someone in there. Looked odd. I'm going to go see." The first man walks back over to the Bentley. Inside he sees a man covered in blood with his testicles removed. On his chest in very small writing is carved the entire Communist Manifesto.

"Do you have your cell on you? Call 911, this guy is dead!"

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Roll opening credits

(Now you shall listen to

before moving on to the next part)

Major Case Squad

1 Police Plaza New York, NY

Wednesday, August 22, 8:09 AM

Lieutenant Jagang , bald head glistening with turtle wax, grips the phone in his meaty hand, "Yes Chief, I understand. No, I'll have my best detectives on it. Right away sir." He sets down the phone and sighs; this day was not starting off well. Jagang walks over to his office door and opens it onto the floor of the squad room, "Cypher, Amnell, get over to the parking garage on 45th and Lex (I don't know the streets in NY, but this sounded right). Someone's murdered Darken Rahl, and it looks like we might have a pinko on the loose.

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2343 Lexington Ave.

Wednesday, August 22, 8:46 AM

Richard Cypher and Kahlan Amnell push their way through the crowd gathered at the parking garage. They are both beautiful. Richard is not too short, not too tall, with a muscular build and a chiseled face. Like a statue. Kahlan is somewhat shorter than Richard, like a woman should be, with a slender build and big ol' boobies. Also like a statue. As they enter the garage they are met by the crime scene technician assigned to the……… uh, crime scene.

"What've you got for me Chase?" asks Richard, as Chase walks them toward the Bentley.

"Dead guy, nuts ripped off, communist jiber-jaber cut into him." Chase replies.

Richard leans into the car to have a look for himself. The first thing he notices is that Darken Rahl's enormous penis looks much bigger now that his balls have been removed. The second thing he notices is the neat, loopy handwriting carved into Darken's chest.

"Looks like we got one crazy commie on the loose." says Chase from behind Richard.

"Someone of your inferior intellect might believe that." says Richard, "But this commie mumbo-jumbo is obviously meant to throw us off the trail. Darken Rahl was the wealthiest capitalist in the country, maybe the wealthiest in the whole nation. Who would benefit the most from his death? His heirs, that's who! Find his heirs and you've found his killer."

"But Richard," Kahlan chimes in, "Darken Rahl had no heirs."

Richard gets very quite and a raptor like quality enters his gaze, "Do not ever contradict me." he says in a dangerous whisper, "I've murdered people for less."

"S-s-s-sorry R-r-r-richard." Kahlan stammers, "I d-d-didn't mean it. You know how I get with my silly womanly ways."

"So, as I was saying," Richard continues, "This obviously couldn't be the act of Rahl's heir, since he doesn't have an heir. So the question is who inherits his wealth now that he's dead?"

"We could ask his lawyer," Kahlan timidly suggests.

"Exactly what I was thinking." says Richard.

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Apartment of Zeddicus Zorander

101 Central Park West

Wednesday, August 22, 2:12 PM

The living room of a posh apartment. Everything is white. The carpet is very fluffy, like it's from the 70's. The furniture is that ultra modern stuff from the 60's. You know, like the stuff in A Clockwork Orange. Richard and Kahlan sit on a white couch. Across the panther shaped coffee table the man that they came to see sits on a different white couch. A gross old woman sits cross-legged in an egg shaped chair on the far side of the room. She's creeping everyone out.

"So what exactly is it you wish to know?" asks Zeddicus Z'ul Zorander, attorney extraordinaire.

"We need to know where Darken Rahl's money goes now that he's dead Zed." says Richard, as he looks around the plush living room.

"Please, call me Triple Z." replies Zed.

"No."

"Uhh, okay." says Zed, somewhat crestfallen, "Well anyway, I'm sure you know that the information you want is privileged. I can't just go handing it out to every Dick who comes in here. Gotta protect my clients you know. Now if we're done here, I'm a very busy man. Gotta throw Adie a bone, if you know what I mean."

"Gross!" says Richard, extremely grossed out, "And we are not done here, old man! I came for answers, and I'm not leaving without them."

"What're you gonna do, beat it out of me?" smirks Triple Z.

"Yep." Richard kicks over the panther table and karate chops Zed right in the face. He then does an awesome back flip onto the couch and straddles the old man. Fingers in the ancient krav maga position he learned as a child he begins twisting Zed's nipples furiously. Kahlan is panting heavily from her spot on the opposite couch. Adie too is panting heavily, but Kahlan and Richard try not to think about that.

"Please stop!" screams Zed, "I'll tell you what you want to know, just please stop hurting me!"

Richard unclamps his manly fingers, and lets the old man up. Zed walks slowly over to a drawer near the TV and withdraws a package, "Darken's will explains that upon his death he wished to have all his money gathered into a pile and burned while poor people watched. But I received this package about an hour ago. It's an addendum (or whatever the proper legal term is) to his will. It states that Darken Rahl's vast fortune is now to be bequeathed to Habitat for Humanity."

"What!" shouts Richard, "Darken Rahl was a great man, he would never give those altruistic scum a dime, let alone 40 zillion dollars!"

"Regardless of what we'd like to believe, the money will be transferred to the charity at the end of the week. That is unless someone can prove that this crudely written and misspelled document is a fake."

Richard grabs the packages from Zed's hands, pushes the old man to the floor, and marches manfully from the apartment. Kahlan meekly follows.

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(Tune in tomorrow and watch me try to figure out where I'm going with this!)

[Tormund Ukrainesbane]

OMG MY FACE!!! Myshkin has risen up and lived his life all over my face! It burns!

I choose death!

[Zeriah]

I humbly ask to join the your legendary ranks, and if I must kick a child in the jaw to do so, I will. I want to help you "Behold the Brilliance", and obtain "moral celery."

[Myshkin]

We Lemmings are an all inclusive collective. All you have to do to join our ranks is choose death, which you have obviously already done. So I hereby welcome you into our brotherhood, and name you Chicken Kicker of Truth (put that in your sig).

[Tormund Ukrainesbane]

Now do a parody before Myshkin starts killing peace protesters.

[Zeriah]

I am proud to wear that title. Right now I'm about ten months from publishing my own book, and after reading these topics I'm going to put some real "easter eggs" in it about TG. When it comes out I'll tell you all. That is how I'm going to choose life.

[Zeriah]

Here's my attempt at a parody

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"Richard we need your help," said one of the small children.

"You will adress me as Lord Rahl, and shall admire my moral clarity before I make any attempt to help your pitiful problems."

"But the monster is very powerful, there may not be much time to stop it... Lord Rahl" said the child.

"I've killed for much less than that! You dare doubt my awesome manliness?" shouted Richard, ripping off his shirt. He grabbed the child and thrust its head into his great abs of truth.

"I sure wish that were me," said Kahlan, solemnly entering the room.

Richard grabbed the kid's head and made him look at his woman's awesome womanliness (not to mention her boobs, for what else are women for? Great additions to a plot? I think not). "You see her? I rape her many times a daybecause that is a VALID plot device!" yelled Richard.

"I'm seven, I don't know what you're talking about!" said the child, terrified.

This was too much for Richard to take so he did a round house kick and separated the child's jaw from his body, shouting, "I usually only do this to eight year olds but you are evil fro you don't agree with my truthiness! I'm sending troops into your village to rape your family and friends, then the men's testicles will be cut off and eaten. I shall ride there myself withmy noble goat..."

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Please accept my attempt at parody, I hope to get better. Keep up the good work everyone.

[Myshkin]

I see you DF! Don't pretend you don't like it :)

[Grendalen]

Hi everybody! This is my first time posting here. I recently finished WFR after putting it off for years and I am so glad I did! I don't know how much longer I could have gone on without having such Important Human Themes drilled into my head! The old me would have read a scene where one of the heroes cuts off a man's sack, makes him eat it, and then kills him a minute later and thought there was something wrong with it. TG showed me that it's alright to enjoy the suffering of other people though as long as I can find a reason for which they deserve it! Oh, I owe that man so much!

In fact, he's inspired me in so many ways. I was at a concert not too long ago with my girlfriend when some pimple-faced teenager thought it would be a good idea to grab her ass. I thought to myself "What Would Richard Do?" And then I acted on it! It just felt so right!

Anyways, I would've posted here sooner but it took my mom a while to post my bail. The girlfriend started to chew me out for having the moral clarity to kick that kid in the face. Needless to say I won't be dragged down by that "death chooser" any longer! Looking back on it now I have no doubt she would have cheated on me at some point anyway.

Anywho, I just want to say again how awesome it is to find a gathering of like-minded people who choose life!

[Myshkin]

I like this guy. What title shall we give you? Official Sack Remover of The Latter Day Lemmings. That's it.

[Grendalen]

I like this guy. What title shall we give you? Official Sack Remover of The Latter Day Lemmings. That's it.

How have you been able to get this far without one?

[Myshkin]

How have you been able to get this far without one?

We've been sharing duty.

[Zeriah]

This place is so great

[Foreverlad]

Welcome aboard Zeriah and Grendalen.

I'm mostly retired now, but Grendalen's post reminded me of one of my old t-shirt designs.

Carry on Lemmings.

[Grendalen]

We've been sharing duty.

I will take this title, then, but only because I am a rare man who wishes to see you all free from the wicked tyranny of "sharing." Speak not of it again! To share the fruits of one's heaving labor is to choose death!

[Myshkin]

I know you been waiting all day for this, so here it is:

Law & Imperial Order

Socialist Intent

A Myshkin Joint

Major Case Squad

1 Police Plaza New York, NY

Thursday, August 23, 8:16 AM

Richard and Kahlan enter lieutenant Jagang 's office. On the wall behind the desk proudly hangs the Hammer and Sickle. On the wall opposite hangs a poster of Che Guevara, with the words Hasta la victoria siempre printed near the bottom. On the desk sits a Mao Tse Tung bobblehead next to a box of Cuban cigars. Jagang is on the phone, so Richard and Kahlan seat themselves and wait impatiently.

"Yes Nicci, sweetheart, I'll pick some up on my way home. No, no that's fine. I'll try, but don't expect much. Okay, we'll talk latter. Love you too sweet tits." Jagang hangs up the phone and looks to Richard, "What have you got for me Cypher?"

Richard raptor-stares Jagang right in the eye, "Wanna try that again?"

"Oh, sorry. I'm just a little flustered, what with the wife and her womanly ways. Have you learned anything of import which you feel you would like to share with me?"

"Well, we know the perp isn't one of Rahl's heirs, because he had none." Jagang's eyes grow slightly larger on hearing this, "What we do know is that someone forged Rahl's will in order to leave his vast fortune to some pinko charity."

"How do you know the will's been forged?" Jagang asks.

"Are you joking? Darken Rahl leave his entire estate to collectivist scum? Not a chance."

"Oh, okay." Jagang capitulates. "But it doesn't sound like a strong lead to me. Do you have anything else?"

"Nothing really." says Kahlan. Richard stares murderously at her. Her life is saved by the ringing of the phone.

"Lieutenant Jagang." answers lieutenant Jagang, "You're joking! No, I'll send them right over." He hangs up the phone and looks to his two top detectives, "Someone's murdered John Galt."

"Who is John Galt?" asks Kahlan. Richard punches her right in the eye.

"John Galt is… was the greatest prime mover in the history of the world." Jagang explains, "And now he's dead. And you two are gonna figure out who killed him."

Richard strides confidently from Jagang's office, with Kahlan in tow, and heads through the squad room. In the elevator he leans toward Kahlan and says, "There's something fishy about the lieutenant."

"What do you mean?" Kahlan simpers.

"I mean I'm starting to think he might not be the upright capitalist he claims to be." Richard replies.

Shocked, Kahlan asks, "What makes you say that?"

"I don't know," Richard admits, "I don't have any proof, it's just a gut feeling."

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Home of John Galt

425 E. 58th St.

Thursday, August 23, 9:25 AM

Richard and Kahlan squeal to a stop in front of a palatial mansion in Richard's super awesome Mercedes SLR McLaren Roadster.

"Nice place." Kahlan pants as she gets out of the supercar.

"Yeah," Richard replies, "It was designed by Howard Roark himself."

They walk up the steps and into the mansion. The foyer is decorated with very tasteful works of art. A canvas of a nude woman draped in tiger skin, boobs invitingly displayed, hangs on the wall. A life sized marble statue of a man, prominent erection almost touching his chin, stands right next to the door. Richard marvels about how very life affirming art can be. The two detectives are met by crime scene technician Chase. Chase takes a look at Kahlan's black eye, "Been askin' stupid questions again?"

"You know me," giggles Kahlan.

"What've we got here Chasey boy?" Richard asks.

"Dead guy, nuts ripped off, communist jiber-jaber cut into him." Chase replies, as he leads them to the aforementioned dead guy.

John Galt's body lays spread eagle on the leopard print carpet of his classy living room. The absence of his balls is immediately apparent, though Richard marvels that he has somehow managed to maintain his erection even in death. Something is carved into Galt's chest in a familiar neat, loopy hand. Richard leans in to take a closer look, "Just as I suspected! Barack Hussein Obama's healthcare reform bill."

"Shit. This shit just got real!" breathes Chase in disbelief.

"Yeah," says Richard, "we got a hardcore leftist on our hands. Has anyone thought to question Hillary Clinton yet?"

"We got guys putting the screws to her as we speak," Chase replies, "But frankly I think it's a dead end. The Clinton whore has been locked up in Gitmo for almost two years now. I just don't see how she coulda pulled this off."

"Well, keep on her. I wouldn't put anything past that socialist witch and her left-wing voodoo. In the mean time have you found any evidence?"

"Just this," Chase replies as he hands Richard a package, "We found it near the Xbox."

Richard opens the package, and literally poops his pants, "It's an addendum to Galt's will. It leaves all his wealth to Doctors Without Borders!"

Chase pukes onto the Ed Hardy coffee table, Kahlan begins to cry loudly.

Richard takes a moment to gather himself, puts on his big boy face, and says, "I know this is a difficult time for all of us, but we still have a job to do. I promise you both that I will catch this sick son of a bitch. Now, do we have any witnesses? "

"No witnesses," Chase says, "but we did catch a girl about 12 miles from here. Looked Cuban. I think she's our guy."

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Major Case Squad

1 Police Plaza New York, NY

Thursday, August 23, 3:23 PM

Interview room B. A stainless steel table sits in the middle of a bare floor. Four uncomfortable chairs (like those ergonomic ones they switched to in 7th grade homeroom) are arranged around the table, two on each side. Three of the walls are bare cinderblock. The fourth is largely taken up by a two-way mirror, which is not fooling anyone. Kahlan sits in one of the chairs, Richard paces back and forth behind her. Across the table sits a young Hispanic woman. Two guards stand by the door.

"Okay comrade," Richard starts, "the jig is up. We know your handlers back in Havana sent you here to murder our greatest capitalists."

"Havana?" says the young woman, "Um, I think you're confused, I'm Puerto Rican."

"Shut your lying face you filthy Cuban scum!" screams Richard, "You float over here on a toilet seat, enter our country illegally, steal our jobs, and now you want to kill our titans of industry! Castro must be laughing in his grave right now."

"Um, sir, again I'm from Puerto Rico, which is a US territory. And by the way, Castro is still alive."

Richard's thing instantly rises. With a yell of, "Speak American you dirty mudwoman!" he jumps upon the table and kicks the young woman square in the jaw. When his boot comes up under her jaw he feels it shatter like a crystal goblet on a stone floor. The impact of the blow lifts the young woman into the air. Her own teeth sever her tongue before they, too, shatter. She lands on her back, a good distance away, trying to scream through the gushing blood.

"Who sent you?" Richard screams.

"aww owwnt oww awwt uuw aant!" the young woman desperately tries to form the words.

"Ok, we tried to ask nice, now it's time to get rough." Richard motions for the two guards to come over. With lecherous sneers they comply.

"These two men will rape you repeatedly if you don't tell us what we want to know." Kahlan purrs, "It might seem harsh, and maybe even illegal, but there is no line we are unwilling to cross in the pursuit of Truth. Nothing to say? Ok we'll leave them to it."

Richard and Kahlan leave the room. Kahlan smiles up at Richard and says, "You were magnificent in there. That commie will be talking in no time."

Richard laughs condescendingly, "She has nothing to tell. She didn't do it."

"How do you know that?" asks Kahlan.

"Simple: she's a woman. Whoever did this is a brilliant criminal mastermind, and that means it couldn't have been a woman."

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(This is getting much longer than I planned it to be. That always seems to happen! Anyway, tune in tomorrow for what may or may not be the exciting conclusion to this primetime police drama!)

[The Winged Shadow]

"Lieutenant Jagang." answers lieutenant Jagang, "You're joking! No, I'll send them right over." He hangs up the phone and looks to his two top detectives, "Someone's murdered John Galt."

"Who is John Galt?" asks Kahlan. Richard punches her right in the eye.

I think she's our guy.

So. Much. Win. :bowdown:

I love you guys :lol:

[explopyro]

Myshkin, I'm speechless.