Goodkind XLVI: Behold the BRILLIANCE

[Zoë Sumra]

*is reading delightedly* Myshkin, you've captured the true essence of Yeardiness. Well done.

[Myshkin]

So, here it is. It's brilliant. But I don't really expect you guys to "get it". I only hope you understand it on the surface level; don't concern yourselves with the deeper layers.

Law & Imperial Order

Socialist Intent

A Myshkin Joint

Central Park

Friday, August 24, 10:42 AM

A man in a frilly pink beret screams into a megaphone. Arranged on the grass in front of him thousands of hippies hang on his every word. They hold signs bearing slogans like "Make love, not war", "Throw down the bourgeoisie", and "Power to the proletariat".

"What are we doing here?" asks Kahlan.

"We're deep in enemy territory, sugar nips. There's a good chance one these people is our killer." Richard answers.

"Who's that guy in the raspberry beret?"

"That's the biggest socialist of them all." Richard replies with a grimace.

"You mean that's B-b-b-bill C-c-c-clinton?!" stammers Kahlan.

"Yep, the Silver Fox himself. And we're here to ask him some long, hard questions."

Clinton's voice suddenly booms out, "And we, we at the bottom pay the price for this! While those fat cats sail the world on their golden yachts, we sink to the black depths of the ocean floor! While they sip mouthfuls of champagne, we breathe lungfuls of water! It is the biggest threat humanity has every known. But do those gluttonous oligarchs care? No, because they're making money off it! It must be stopped! And we, my children, have the power to stop it! We must ban water!" The crowd's frenzy reaches a fever pitch. Richard begins to think he may have to step in soon.

"Settle down children, settle down. Let uncle Billy tell you a story." Clinton purrs in to the megaphone, "My mother; a saint, may she rest in peace. My mother did not live her life free of water's harsh tyranny." Clinton's eyes begin to tear up, "While walking to her job at the coal mine one morning my poor, aged mother slipped in a shallow puddle."

"No." the crowd moans with one voice.

"Yes," Clinton continues, "Yes my children, she slipped. And she fell, oh lord, she fell. Right into that puddle. And her whole right side, from her boob down to her vag, became slightly wet. But despite this grievous injury, do you know what my sainted mother did? She got up and she continued on to work. How could she not? If she didn't the fat cats wouldn't pay her their dirty money, and then how would she have fed me and my 27 brothers and sisters? And so she worked through the day, and through the torture of a damp right side, and she suffered it for the greater good. But should she have had to suffer such pain, such indignity? All so the rich could get slightly richer? I say no! I say no one should have to suffer what my poor, aged, sainted mother suffered ever again! And this is why water must be banned! Rise up, oh sons and daughters of the revolution, rise up and change the world!" The crowd, openly weeping but a minute before, explodes into an orgasmic frenzy.

"And if we ban water how shall we survive?" Richard's voice suddenly rings out, clear and true. The crowed, stunned by the manly power of Richard's voice, instantly goes silent.

"We shall survive on the work of our hands and the sweat of our brows," Clinton replies smoothly.

"And after a hard days work, when we come home and are thirsty, how shall we re-hydrate ourselves?" Richard asks.

"We shall drink of the sweet milk of fraternity!" Clinton replies, seeing the crowd begin to waver.

"Do you know that you need water to make beer?" This does it. The crowd, threatened with the loss of their beer, disperses instantly.

"You are so magnificent." Kahlan moans throatily, "How did you know just what to say?"

"Simple," Richard replies, "I'm told poor people like beer. Threaten to take it from them and they will do anything you say. Now here comes Clinton. Watch yourself Kahlan, he's very seductive."

"Howdy young man. My but did you put a damper on my little get together." Clinton says as he walks up and shakes Richard's hand.

"Richard is a genius, you're no match for him." Kahlan says smugly.

"Settle down now, honeyjugs, let the men folk do the talking'." Kahlan melts as Clinton turns on the charm, "Now as I was sayin', you sure do know how to kick down a strawman, boy. I could use someone like you in my ministry."

Richard tries to keep his rage in check, while also trying to wipe the Clinton-grease from his hand, "I have no time for your useless jibber-jabber old man, I have questions, and I want answers."

"Shoot away, old son."

"Who killed Darken Rahl? Who killed John Galt?" Richard fires at the unbearably hansom older man.

"Why shucks, I wish I could tell ya," Big Billy responds, "But I just don't have the answers, young buck." Richard melts as Clinton turns on the charm.

"Oh, well that's okay sir. We'll get out of your hair now."

"Much obliged. I sure do wish I coulda been more helpful." Billy boy smiles and walks away.

Richard, hoping to catch one last whiff of the magical man, lifts his fingers to his nose and inhales deeply. But amidst the musk and whimsy of Clinton's scent he catches an undertone of something unexpected, "Come on Kahlan, get your ass in gear, I've just solved the case!"

-------------------------------------------------------------

Major Case Squad

1 Police Plaza New York, NY

Friday, August 24, 1:18 PM

Richard strides manfully through the squad room, Kahlan hustling to keep up.

"I just don't understand how you know it's him," Kahlan whines.

"Elementary, my dear Kahlan. I accidentally caught a whiff of my hand after Clinton touched it. Amidst the vile socialist odors I expected to find I detected something which did not quite belong: terpene hydrocarbon, with undertones of triethanolamine. I used my superior intellect to deduce what these two substances would be used in conjunction for, and came up with only one answer. Wax removal."

"Wax removal?" Kahlan asks, not quite following where Richard is leading.

"Indeed, boobface. And who do we know who uses wax every day?" Richard asks.

"Oh just tell me. You know I can't keep up with your manish logic."

Richard kicks in the door to the office, "Jagang!"

Lieutenant Jagang looks up from his seat behind the desk. His wife Nicci pops out from under the desk and wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. She is beautiful, with long black hair, invitingly puckered DSLs, a slender build, and big ol' boobies. Even bigger than Kahlan's. She is like a statue.

"What's the meaning of this?" Jagang sputters.

"You know why I'm here lieutenant, don't try to hide it." Richard says.

"Explain yourself Cypher, and this better be good." Jagang growls.

"It's check over lieutenant. Game mate. I know your secret comrade."

Jagang's face crumples, "How?"

"I went to see Bill Clinton today. He had wax remover on his hands. And there's only one possible reason why he would have wax remover on his hands: he must have used it to wipe off the turtle wax your bald head left on his hands when you were bowing before him."

Jagang begins to cry, "It's true, it's all true. I'm a card carrying pinko (big reveal!). Oh god, I wish I weren't, but I couldn't fight it any longer. I changed Rahl and Galt's wills. But I swear I didn't kill anyone, I couldn't!"

"I believe you lieutenant." Richard says.

"Y-you do?"

"I know you couldn't have committed those murders. No man could have committed those murders, because no man would ever touch another man's balls." Richard shifts his raptor gaze from Jagang to Nicci, "But a woman would. You killed those men, didn't you Nicci? You killed them because you knew that if they lived your husband's crime would be found out. And then where would you be? Nowhere, that's where!"

Nicci smiles coyly, parts her luscious lips as if to say something, then rips off her blouse. Her boobies flop out in all their awesome glory, and everyone within an 8 mile radius is completely mesmerized. She calmly walks through the door and out of their lives.

Several minutes later Richard comes to, "Where'd she go?!"

"I don't know," Kahlan whines, "it's like she just disappeared!"

"Witchery! Left-wing voodoo!" Richard exclaims, "But no matter, we still have the real criminal right here." He turns his gaze back to Jagang, "What Nicci did is nothing compared to your crimes. But what I still don't understand is why you did it?"

"Why?" Jagang laughs crazily, "Why? You still don't know, do you boy?"

"Know what?"

"You, Richard Cypher, are the long lost heir to the Rahl fortune. That's right Richard, Darken Rahl was your father (who coulda seen that coming!)! And John Galt was your progenitor (what?)! I found out that both men where planning on transferring their fortunes to you, and I couldn't let that happen. I know you Richard, and I know what kind of monster you would become if given that much wealth and power. I had to try to stop it."

Richard's thing rises enormously. How dare Jagang try to rob him of what he now knew was rightfully his! He calmly reaches across the desk, punches a melon-sized hole in Jagang's chest, and rips out his spine. Jagang instantly jumps to his feet, and a war breaks out. Meaty hand clamped on Richard's throat Jagang begins to squeeze. Richard smiles at the pitiful attempt, whips out his .50 caliber Desert Eagle, and calmly turns Jagang's head into pudding. Jagang struggles mightily for a few more minutes, then finally surrenders.

"It's just been revoked." Richard says.

Jagang is handcuffed, and led off to a holding cell. Kahlan puts her pants back on and slides up to Richard, "I love you."

"I don't care. As long as you love my money I'll keep you around.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Beaulieu-sur-Mer

In the U.S. territory of France

Sunday, August 26, 2:25 PM

The coastline is beautiful Richard reflects as he speeds along the road. It's too bad it was wasted on the French for so many years. He has traded in his wimpy SLR Roadster for a much more manly Bugatti Veyron. Kahlan sits topless in the passenger seat. Her boobs may not be as big as Nicci's, but they'll do for now.

"I can't believe they made you the President of America." she purrs.

"They didn't really have a choice." Richard answers.

"What should we do now?" Kahlan asks.

Richard gazes at her boobs, "I can think of a thing or two."

Kahlan laughs, Richard laughs, the Bugatti laughs, then the whole damn world starts to laugh.

~Fin~

---------------------------------------------------------

(You are welcome)

[MinDonner]

Awesome.

:bowdown:

Edit: still not used to all the new tag codes...

[Tormund Ukrainesbane]

Presenting the stunningly origninal new Book, which is not a sequel to any prior books and shares no characters or plot elements whatsoever, except possibly an easter egg or two for the "true fans", who coincidentally are the "only ones reading this shite".

The Polite Suggestion of Tens

Mild mannered trash collector Steve Rahl was wandering around, trying to remember where he left his copy of The Fountainhead when a pizza delivery boy flying a French flag almost killed him. He didn't because everyone knows that the french can't drive worth shit, seeing as Tom Kristensen always kicks their ass in Le Mans, Lance Armstong always wins their bike race, and they have to hire Jason Statham to drive their getaway cars. Haha. Losers.

So anyway, because the French suck what actually happened was that Steve almost got hit while he was jaywalking across the freeway. Steve did not feel that the laws of men were worthy of him and felt that it was important to make these kind of demonstrations every once in a while. There were only like 3 cars on the freeway so it's still pretty much a miracle that Steve managed to almost get hit. You might think this a point against his intellect, but it's totally not because he had to stop and stare at these two chicks on the other side of the freeway. They were washing a car in bikinis. And their tits were like, totally dope. Dude, seriously, I'm your friend and I'm telling you that those things were off the chain.

After sending appropriate curses at the pizza car that dared interfere with his walking, Steve Rahl approached the chicks. He knew then liked him from the get go, because they were staring nervously at his massive erection.

"I'm Steve.", he says. "I'm a trash collector."

"Hi Steve" says one. "I'm Mulan Amnell". She jiggles fetchingly. Steve is fetched.

"And I'm Arrivederci", says the other. Steve thinks this sounds Europeanish. He decides to overlook her ethnic handicap in light of the fact that they might get to bone, but files it away for later.

"No, last name there Arpadicci?"

"None that anyone in this story will become aware of, despite my home country containing billions of people, we really feel no need to tell each other apart. There are only like 5 names to go around."

"Are you a War trash collector, Steve?" asks Mulan?

Steve is taken aback. No one is supposed to know that.

"No one is supposed to know that", he says, menace creeping into his voice. He brandishes his boner threateningly.

"But we know" says the foreign sounding one (Steve has forgotten her name). "Because of the polite suggestion of tens".

Dramatic music plays in the background.

"The fuck was that?" demands Steve.

"Beats the shit out of me", Mulan says. "It always happens when you say 'The polite suggestion of tens'".

The dramatic music continues.

"Well you bitches better come clean with me about The polite...thing" Steve says, nervous about the music.

"We have no clue what the hell it is. It will never be explained and rarely referenced again in this story". The two say in unison. Their boobs bounce in unison too. "All we know is that it means you're a War Trash Collector".

At this point, several faceless and meaningless people show up and attempt to rape the women. Steve KILLS the SHIT out of them. "Who were they?" he demands.

"Agents of the public school system!" the women shriek, in that womanly way that women start shrieking when they're being women. Their bikinis were almost ripped off during the almost rape. Steve fancies he can see some areolae. "The polite suggestion of tens says..."

A pause here for the dramatic music

"...that you must become the janitor of veracity!"

"Uhh, what?" Steve says, popping up from behind a nearby bush and tucking his junk back into his pants. He tosses some tisse paper in a nearby trash can. "Sorry, I was uhhh, looking for something behind that bush for a minute."

"You must become the janitor of veracity!" They squeal together. "You must infiltrate the public school system and bring it down from within!"

"Uhh...sure." Steve says. "Can we do it first?"

They DO. For like 20 MINUTES. It is AWESOME. There are like TITS and shit. I'm telling you, if you were there, you would have been like, DUDE.

more later...

[Myshkin]

Three things:

1) Tromund you are a genius. I particularly like the French hating, and the subtle yet classy way you manage to make boobs a big part of the story. I look forward to reading more.

2) I have done my part, Tormund has begun to do his, now it's time for the rest of you fuckers to get involved.

3) MinDonner you collectivist dog, I expect to see my masterpiece posted on your blog within the hour. You left me hanging when I wrote The Truthslinger, and unless you want to cause a schizm in our Church, you will not do it again!

[Zeriah]

I loved those parodies, they made my day. You guys are brilliant and my I cannot come up with anything close to being that funny

[Grendalen]

Here's something I threw together. Note: All of the dialogue remains... pristine.

Obi-Wan and Anakin's Final Conversation...

From a Certain Point of View

"Let. Her. Go," Obi-Wan said, each word corresponding to a step down the starship's stairs. Anakin released his grip on Padme turned towards his old mentor. He couldn't stand to look at the traitorous bitch's tits any longer, anyway.

"You turned her against me!" Padme was a very strong woman. She wouldn't have been worthy of Anakin otherwise. Yet how could even she protect herself against the will of even this pussy of a Jedi Knight? No, this was ALL Obi-Wan's fault, dammit.

"You have done that yourself," the middle-aged man spat at him, refusing to accept his own responsibility in Padme's failure of moral clarity.

"You will not take her from me!" Yeah, this bitch was his. Totally. Anakin flexed and his cloak fell from his Herculean physique. If only Padme had been conscious she could be swayed back to the burning light of reason with this display of maleness.

"Your anger and your lust for power have already done that." Anakin frowned at the idea that there was anything wrong with anger or lust. These were life-affirming concepts to his rational, reasoned mind. "You have allowed this dark lord to twist your mind until now... until now you have become the very thing you swore to destroy."

"Don't lecture me, Obi-Wan. I see through the lies of the Jedi. I do not fear the dark side as you do." Obi was a total pussy. Pussy-Wan Kenobi. Ani chuckled at his own cleverness."I have brought peace, freedom, justice and security to my new empire."

" 'Your new empire?' " Fuck YEAH! Anakin was the one who stood tall in the Jedi Temple. It was he who cornered the younglings in the council room and kicked in their stupid faces one by one. This was HIS, goddamitt!

"Don't make me kill you." Please, make me kill you, Ani thought, completely shrugging off Pussy-Wan's demand that he explain why this new empire belonged to him.

"Anakin, my allegiance is to the Republic. To Democracy!" Anakin laughed to himself. Gang rape, after all, is democracy in action.

"If you're not with me," he glanced for a tense moment, that moment filled like a goblet with tenseness. "Then you're my enemy." Oh snap!

"Only a Sith deals in absolutes." Pussy-Wan Kenobi declared, freely admitting his failure to grasp moral clarity. "I will do what I must." Bullshit. If that were true he'd be the mother-fuckin' dark lord that Ani was right now.

"You will try." Anakin's thing rose in him. He felt the dark side of the force flowing like a river that's bursted through it's dam, impregnating the valley below. His lightsaber came to life with a snap-hiss.

[Tormund Ukrainesbane]

fucking brilliant dude. it's like the yeard wrote it himself.

[Grendalen]

Thanks. I was worried that the Important Human Theme of boobies was lacking in the scene.

[Zeriah]

Boobies are only one of the most important moral themes.

[Ecchi-Oni]

Boobies are only one of the most important moral themes.

Boobies are the only measure of moral celery in the universe.

[Zeriah]

I apologize for my momentary foolishness

[The Pita]

I'm sorry, I'm stuck on the boobies bit. What happens? Does he kill some shit?

[Grendalen]

Captain's Log: Stardate... whenever. I, Captain Richard Tiberius Rahl, have been forced to assume command of the USS Enterprise from the traitorous Christopher Pike. I was simply asking my commanding officer when I could expect to receive my well-earned pay when the man informed me that the Federation has rid itself of currency and greed. A... thing rose up in me and I fired my phaser on the commie bastard. I have directed Ensign Chekov to change course for Earth, home of the Federation, to lecture them on the sanctity of man's work. Chekov... sounds Russian. I don't trust him one bit...

"Sir? I kin hear you." Rahl looked up from his musings.

"Spying on me, Ensign? I know what you're up to. Oh yes. God damn COMMIE... RAHHH!" Rahl screamed as the phaser practically flew into his hand, blasting a melon-sized hole in the Ruskie's chest. The ship's doctor, "Bones" Zorander, stormed over.

"Dammit, Richard! Do you ever use the stun setting?"

Captain Rahl raised an eyebrow as he glanced down at his bloody weapon. Stun setting? What, were these European phasers? He shook his head. "It was the only way to be sure, Bones. I need my crew to be with me, 100%. Black or white, Bones, there is no gray. It wouldn't surprise me one bit if there were a race somewhere in this universe with faces like black and white cookies, just to prove my point for me." He sat back down in the comfy Captain's chair and turned his attention towards Lieutenant Kahura. Or at least parts of her. She had boobs sweeter than sugar.

"Lieutenant Sugartits. Patch me in to the rest of the ship." She giggled as he started brushing his hair with his fingers, making his coiffe just right.

"You know they can't see you sir, right?"

He winked at her. "They can't... but you can." A whistling noise let Captain Rahl know he was live and on the air. "Men and women of the starship Enterprise, this is your Captain speaking. Not the old, death-choosing Captain, but a new, better one. You've put your blood, sweat and tears into this ship. You've made her into a formidable weapon for freedom and liberty. What has the Federation given you in return? Money?" He laughed. "No! You're nothing but slaves, working and fighting for the benefit of others!"

His rousing speech roused the men for hours on end.

"...and I will see that you have that freedom! Any crewmembers who don't wish to join me on this glorious crusade to reclaim their nobility? Please report immediately to cargo bay one for... airlock duty." His attention turned towrads Kahura. Damn did she look good. He said to some Japanese guy sitting up front, "Mr. Sulu, let me know when we arrive at Earth. Lieutenant Kahura and I have to go over some... oral instruction."

The Chinese guy replied, "Sir, we've been there for over two hours."

"Oh." The Captain looked up to see the snarling, greasy face of Admiral Jagang staring down at him from the viewscreen.

Next: The Torpedoes of Truth

[Zeriah]

I just watched the new episode of Legend of the Seeker... that show is like a car accident you can't help but continue to watch. It was pretty funny, though unfortunately no noble goats

[Grendalen]

I just watched the new episode of Legend of the Seeker... that show is like a car accident you can't help but continue to watch. It was pretty funny, though unfortunately no noble goats

Funny how Richard is way too altruistic for me in that show. In fact, LotS is like the mirror-mirror universe of the novels. I do find it charming at times, though. :shrug:

[Trebla]

I just watched the new episode of Legend of the Seeker... that show is like a car accident you can't help but continue to watch. It was pretty funny, though unfortunately no noble goats

I accidently ran across it yesterday. All I saw was the two hot chicks with nice cleavage, the wizard, and I assume Richard. I've lived my Goodkind viacariously through you all and that will always be! No way could I ever read his books. I tried like 16 years ago and i could only get 10 pages in before I stopped dead and tossed it away. Epic bad.

I love these threads. They bring endless amusement. :D

[Xereaux]

These parodies are great! Thanks, Myshkin, Tormund, and Grendalen!

I think I'll be starting a parody of my own. Keep an eye out for Mad Dick II: The Road War-Wizard!

(Now I feel bad about giving myself my own title, seeing as how Myshkin has granted others theirs...)

[Tormund Ukrainesbane]

(Now I feel bad about giving myself my own title, seeing as how Myshkin has granted others theirs...)

Sorrow and regret are for death choosers. Rise up and live your life!

[Souran]

Pink Notice

[Opening Narration]

“My name is Richard Rahl. I used to be Seeker”

[Voice on the Telephone says “We have a Pink Notice on you, your moral clarity has been questioned”]

“When your Pinked you have nothing, no money, no box of orden, and no work history. You’re stuck wherever they decide to leave you”

[inset narration Richard: “Where am I” Khalan: “D’Hara”]

“You work with anybody still speaking to you.”

“A Truth-ifying girlfriend” [inset Narration Khalan: “Can’t we just make them cut their own balls off and eat them? That would be the morally justified course of action!”]

“A Sorceroress who used to capture you and make you live like a peasant” [inset Narration Nicci: “You know Bringer’s of Death, bunch of bitchy little girls”]

“Family too, if your desperate” [inset Narration Zed: “Bags Richard, this could be the fork of prophesy that must be followed to prevent the onset of the appcolypse!”]

“Truth is, when you’re pinked you’re not going anywhere”

[End Opening Narration]

**********

Scene: At a magic castle beach resort where big breasted women prance about wearing very small important human themes.

[Voice Over: Richard: “The thing about being a seeker is that you have a tendency to make a lot of enemies. Most of these enemies are simple death choosers that can be offed during a badly written fight scene that is made up mostly of the words “BRINGER OF DEATH” in capital letters repeated every other sentence. A few of these foes are bigger than that and end up being “villains of last years doorstopper.”]

{A picture of Darken Rahl is shown with a title card that says “Dark Rhal Villian of Last Years doorstopper”}

[Voice Over: Richard “Even worse, occasionally a foe ends up being so useful to proving the author’s point, that he gets trotted out again and again in the business these guys are called “Series Arch Nemesus.”]

{A picture of Jagang is shown with a title card that says “Jagang Series Arch Nemesus”}

[Voice Over: Richard: “A SAN by rule can only be killed unceremoniously and in a fashion that brings his primary vice to attention as a negative trait. That means that you cannot just whip out your sword of truth and go “bringer of death” on them when they ask for a parley.” Fortunately, when you’re a seeker you know you’re probably the main character of the series and that dues ex machina will be on your side should anything start”]

Richard, seeker of truth and picture of masculinity manly walks through the throngs of people at the resort over to a table where Jagang and the Ghost of Darken Rhal sit. Darken Rhal has a full glass of wine in front of him, Jagang has a Communinst red drink with a little umbrella in it in his hand. Richard notices these signes that Jagang is both effemenante and communist right away and sits down with caution. An equally scantily clad waitress (of course it’s a woman you idiot, waitressing is womans work) comes over to Richard and asks for his order.

Richard: “A full glass of milk from the Noble Goat” (Note Richard does not say please)

Jagang and Darken pass a look indicating that they find his choice of drink to be super maculine, they wish in their death choosing hearts that they could embrace life enough to be able to stomach goat milk.

Jagang: “Darken here tells me that you are just the sort of man I could work with. He says that you plotted to steal his entire empire from him and caused his soul to be given over to Keeper for an eternity of torment. That’s impressive.”

Darken “It was impressive, I should have seen the old “not really confessored” thing coming. You pulled the same thing in Murmansk in 88 didn’t you? What did happen to the boxes anyway?”

Jagang “That matter is not important right now. Richard, I would like to offer you an…opportunity. It has come to our attention that a piece of “public art” has been sold at auction to a person who plans to put it into a private collection. Certain members of a rather important party have decided that such a thing cannot be tolerated.”

Richard: “What makes you think you could afford me, or that I would ever be your errand boy”

Jagang: “I had hopped that you would do it for “the people” but I can see that being pinked has not made you any less mercenary. However, perhaps this might be considered payment enough.”

Jagang pushes a little vile of clear liquid towards Richard. Richard opens it, sniffs, and takes a small taste.”

Jagnag: “That, is the counter agent to the poison I had the waitress slip into your goat milk. You really should consider drinking something with less manly flavor, that stuff can hide anything. The amount you took should slow the poison for 72 hours. That should be plenty of time to find my artwork. Here, this should help you remember what it looks like.”

Jagang tosses a small statue of a man and woman to Richard. It’s a girly toss. Richard catches it because men can catch things tossed at them.

Richard: “This is spirit, wait, you want me to steal the statue from liberty square!”

Jagang: “ I can think of no one better to…repossess it than you. However, at least for one of us time is of the essence. I think I will retire to my rapeatorium to do some rape and possibly some not rape. That way you know just how evil I am.”

Richard stands and smiles and leaves. On the way out he totally kills the SHIT out of the waitress.

*******

Scene Outside Ricahrd’s apartment. Richard and Nicci are talking.

Richard: “Nicci, I know that you don’t like this but we need more information if we are going to stop Jagang”

Nicci: “I get it Dick but remember that this isn’t just peoples lives your talking about taking, its their property. I took and oath once we were free of the order that I would never live for any one else again, and from that comes an understanding that wealthy people are better people because they are smarter and work harder. To steal then is to ask them to live for somebody who isn’t themselves. That would be the worst crime we could ever commit. We might as well just choose death now.

Richard: “If we let Jagang get his hands on that statue he will use it to make everybody into a death chooser. But don’t worry Nicci, we are not really going to steal it. We just need to make him think we stole it for him.

Nicci: “That sure makes me feel better Dick, but its still not that easy. I checked the magic web and the records indicate that the statue was sold to a Jensen Rahl. However, everywhere I look with magic I cannot find this person. Its like she is a hole in the universe where magic is concerned.

Richard: “That is easily the dumbest plot device we have ever encountered. I mean, what would happen if you used magic to drop a rock on her head. The whole thing doesn’t make ANY sense.”

Nicci: “Dick, remember how stupid our magic is anyway, most people can only “add” and can’t subtract anything with magic. I mean, our magic is beyond stupid anyway!”

Richard: “You have a point. Wait! Did you say Jensen Rahl! I know exactly where the statue will be. Go get Khalan and tell her to hang out in public so she gets kidnapped. I cannot work without the extra dramatic tension of having to save her as well as the world.”

Nicci: “Sure Dick but how do you know where the statue will be?”

Richard: “I am a war wizard, when its finally time for plot resolution I just do shit and dues ex machina works for me to make sure it all turns out. If Kahlan gets kidnapped there is a 100% chance she will be held right next to the statue.”

Nicci: “Great plan, I wish I had thought of that!”

Richard: “Nicci, you’re a woman, you couldn’t possibly think for that long.”

******

Scene Richard is in an ally carrying a duffel bag. He drops it to the ground and opens it up. He gets dressed into the war wizard outfit.

[Voice Over: Richard: “Being a seeker is a little like being a ninja. You retain the skills no matter how you look but having the right outfit is essential if you want to create an impression. For a seeker, a war wizard outfit does the trick. Having a highly detailed description of a war wizard outfit might seem important, but people who actually get your books are more interested in the human themes than details of things you are spending words to describe. Compliment your war wizard outfit with some “boundary warden” boots, and a war wizard utility belt that holds your sword and you should be in good shape. By leaving the description vague you can later pull anything out of the clothing you might need without it seems foolish.]

A great big Gar swoops down from the sky.

[Voice Over: Richard: “However, sometimes you cannot just use poor descriptions of clothing and surroundings to get your hero through your novel. Sometimes they need the help of an immensely strong, flying but mentally handicapped friend.]

Grach: “Gratch Luuuuung Rickaaard!”

Richard: “That’s great gratch but right now I need you to help me find Kahlan!”

Grach: “Gratch Luuuuung Rickaaard!”

Grach leaps into the sky and Ricahrd grabs his legs as they fly off.

More to come Later