Infidelity - when, if ever is it acceptable.

[Blaine]

Yes, it sucks when things change in a way that is unpredicted. But life sucks, sometimes. If his wife was suffering with pancreatic cancer or psychosis or insert any other life issue, would the question in the OP still be relevant? Sometimes one person in a relationship has to work harder than they expect to make it work.

God yes. My wife was diagnosed with a chronic (and incredibly unsexy) illness a few months after our daughter was born. Not only did our sex life disappear, she spent almost 2 months of our daughter's first year in and out of the hospital.

You don't get to pick what happens to your partner's health. It isn't always going to be fair or "I work and help, therefore I get teh sex."

What you do is you work on it together and you find a way. Or you leave. This "is it okay for me to cheat because I deserve it" business is just avoiding the real decision to leave or the hard work and constant communication to make things better for both of them.

[TerraPrime]

Is infidelity ever acceptable?

Depends on the person making to decision to accept it or not. Some people accept a lot of things. Most of us, I'd imagine, have friends who are in relationships that we think of as "I don't know why s/he puts up with that shit." Yet, they do. Infidelity is just one of those things.

However, I think the question asked is actually about whether sexual infidelity in this case is justifiable, on account that the husband is denied sexual intimacy for 14 months. My answer to that is no, it is not justifiable. The proper response, imo, is seek resolution with his wife, and if none can be reached, then terminate the relationship, or at the least, inform her that he's planning on seeking sexual release with another person.

Also, I agree with both Tenalpia and Stego. Infidelity hurts because it violates your trust in your partner. If people place trust in exclusivity of genital contacts, then yes, the partner having sex with someone else is damaging the emotional stability of the relationship. Since it seems that most people do invest their trust in sexual exclusivity, the term "infidelity" has become more-or-less synonymous with sex outside of the primary relationship. But it doesn't have to. I think someone betraying my insecurities to the world would count as a form of infidelity, as well, and there are similar ways that trust can be abridged that would be equally damaging to the relationship.

[Stego]

A couple of points:

-This guy is a piece of shit human being for sharing this information with a friend. :D That is absolutely breaking the trust of a one-on-one relationship. A sexual relationship in a marriage is no ones business but the two involved in it.

-Over the course of 14 fucking months, one is not so horribly exhausted that one can not suck a dick once or twice. That is simply preposterous. And yes, I know the strain. I took care of my son days and worked all night for the first year of his life. I don't think I got more than 5 hours of sleep in a year. It was a relaxing time when I went off to Kosovo for 9 months. Raising a kid is a tremendous hardship sometimes. That brings me to my next point, however:

-It is common for new mothers to completely replace their husbands with their child. This is something we never talk about. They'll never tell you this in 'What To Expect When you Are Expecting.' I'm sure this won't be popular, but it's a fact. Husbands just stop being a priority of any sort to some women. (Not all women, it's simply common.) It's probably not just sex with the original posters friend, it's probably any sort of intimacy. She's replaced him.

[Kalbear]

This is something we never talk about. They'll never tell you this in 'What To Expect When you Are Expecting.' I'm sure this won't be popular, but it's a fact. Husbands just stop being a priority of any sort to some women. (Not all women, it's simply common.) It's probably not just sex with the original posters friend, it's probably any sort of intimacy. She's replaced him.

You're right - it's not in when you're expecting. It's in the next book, "What to Expect The First Year". There's a number of different points in the book that talk about exactly that - at the 3 month stage, the 6 month stage, the general man's feelings about it, etc.

So it's not exactly this huge controversial thing there, Stego. Sorry to burst your bubble.

Their advice is to talk it over with the SO and try and figure out something, and then do some compromise.

[Guest Raidne]

Have to admit, I had the thought that Stego expresses in the last paragraph also. And, it's also common for some men to particularly resent it more than another might, to the point where he starts feeling entitled to cheat because he's no longer the complete center of her attention.

I'm getting a little of both, reading between the lines.

[Ocean of Notions]

I really don't like some of the implications here that sexual favour should be an obligation.

[Kalbear]

Yeah, that bugged me too. I think that if you feel that you must suck your husband's dick in order for things to be okay, there's a lot of problems that won't be solved by head. And trust me, I'm a firm believer that many problems CAN be solved by head.

[turinturambar]

Stego,I think it's not so bad to seek advice from a close friend. Friends are there to help you through tough times, to help you with some of life's problems. Obviously there are limits, but it's not a terrible thing to seek the advice of a good friend.

Also, some people seem to think that this guy is expected to overly exert himself to seek intimacy with his wife....that things are different, so he should try 10 times as hard to be with his lover. It's a two way street though. The guy shouldn't have to do back flips and make sex a chore. She should realize there is a problem and work to fix it as well. He may need nonsexual intimacy as well, he may need to be told he's appreciated, he may need to be kissed at a random time or hold hands in the park, or whatever. They BOTH need to work on it. You may say that she doesn't have sex with him because he doesn't do these things enough, but have any of you thought that maybe he doesn't do those things because she doesn't show any affection for him(assuming he doesn't do those things). If you've tried to initiate intimacy for 13 months with constant rejection, it's going to be difficult to feel affectionate enough to do any of those things. Why shower somebody with flowers and kisses if they've made it plain that they don't want to be with you? If he's explained all of these things to her and she still refuses to seek help and won't go to a marriage counselor(or goes but doesn't change), he needs to leave the relationship because she already has.

[brook]

(bold mine)

That's true, for many women. It certainly was for me, I remember. Truly, having sex at that point was "doing my duty". I certainly didn't want to and got no joy out of it. And, of course, was listening for a baby cry the whole time. This, I believe, is something that is very primal and instinctive. It has a lot to do with hormones, and very little to do with any conscious thought.

It can also come down to just being completely touched out. I still get like that some days and my 'baby' is 14 months old now.

I'm the sort of person who generally craves physical contact and even I have my limit to how much I can take before I just want to be left alone, I can only imagine it is worse for someone who isn't so physical to begin with.

When I do get like that I'll admit that theres times that 'I'm just too exahausted' is easier than explaining 'if you touch me right now I'm going to want to stab you with a fork'

[Stego]

You're right - it's not in when you're expecting. It's in the next book, "What to Expect The First Year". There's a number of different points in the book that talk about exactly that - at the 3 month stage, the 6 month stage, the general man's feelings about it, etc.

So it's not exactly this huge controversial thing there, Stego. Sorry to burst your bubble.

Their advice is to talk it over with the SO and try and figure out something, and then do some compromise.

Yeah, read that one too, and the next one. It wasn't very honest, in my experience. But then, it was a long, long time ago.

[Stego]

I really don't like some of the implications here that sexual favour should be an obligation.

Taking care of your mate should always be deemed a priority of some sort i a relationship. I'm not saying it's a job, but at some point over the course of a fucking year?

And you may as well split up if you do not get pleasure from making your partner come, in and of itself.

[Kalbear]

I'd be more surprised by you reading it than Stego, Chataya.

[Stego]

Ok, how many people are just goggled by the image of Stego reading "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and "What to Expect the First Year"? ;)

I was having a kid. I was 20. I hung out with Marines all day. Where else was I going to learn what I needed to know?

[slim da reaper]

I was having a kid. I was 20. I hung out with Marines all day. Where else was I going to learn what I needed to know?

"What to Expect When You're Expecting" and "What to Expect the First Year" poowee.

I wholeheartedily recommend Robert Stanek's Ruin mist chronicles, 5 stars.

[GoN]

My husband is under no obligation to cook either. But if he never does then he shouldn't be surprised if I order a take-out.

:P

[Eurytus]

I really don't like some of the implications here that sexual favour should be an obligation.

Its quite interesting that you consider sex, which should be mutually pleasant, to be a "favour" passed from woman to man.

How less important is physical intimacy than emotional intimacy in a relationship. If the man ceased all emotional intimacy with the woman would that be acceptable? Would him being expected to resume it be construed a "favour"?

[Stego]

My husband is under no obligation to cook either. But if he never does then he shouldn't be surprised if I order a take-out.

:P

Quote of the year.

[Stego]

"What to Expect When You're Expecting" and "What to Expect the First Year" poowee.

I wholeheartedily recommend Robert Stanek's Ruin mist chronicles, 5 stars.

Excuse me if I'm not going to read enough 'baby books' to grasp which are the best. We're talking days before the internet, man. I'm fucking old.

[Kalbear]

I thought it was pretty useful. Certainly more useful than asking random strangers on the internet what I should do if my wife doesn't want to fuck me any more.

[GoN]

I thought it was pretty useful. Certainly more useful than asking random strangers on the internet what I should do if my wife doesn't want to fuck me any more.

People keeping their private life private? What kind of newfangled craziness is this?!