Jump to content

Writing Erotica About Your Mother


Cantabile

Recommended Posts

I can't really think of how to gain his trust by saying they violated his trust, though.

Taking the webcam did not go over well. My grandson interpreted what my son said as being that they don't trust him, and in his anger went onto my son's computer and password protected it, and now refuses to let him know the password, mentioning tons of things over the years that has led him to doubt his father's trustworthiness, and that because of those things he believes my son should only be using the computer under his supervision. Sigh. I'll be driving down there soon, and it shouldn't be too hard to fix the issue.

Sure, building trust is important. But that absolutely does not mean that the parents shouldn't be making rules--like, no webcam, and no unlimited, unsupervised Internet access. Based on Cantabile's post, it sounds like the kid thinks he's in charge--when it comes to his father, at any rate. And how are the parents supposed to change his behavior when they don't have his respect?

It sounds to me like he's trying to roll over his father like he's seen his mother do in the past, by bullying and demeaning him.

It's sad, really.

Now I'm afraid that the grandson might have interpreted Cantabile's staying out of the situation between his parents as weakness, and he may try the same tricks on him.

Best of luck, Cantabile. As someone who has worked with children with major trust issues, I've learned that it is imperative that the child know first and foremost that you are the adult and you are in control. I don't know how that's going to go over with the mother, but you have to establish that with your grandson, Cantabile. It will help him take what you say more seriously, especially if he's used to the other people in his life being steamrolled by his mother.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm not sure how useful these types of programs are considering how tech savvy the kid may or may not be, but you might consider suggesting Net Nanny or something like it.

And the dad needs to establish himself as the adult and not let his kid roll him like that.

And the time is long past for deception. The kid is way out of line and should definitely be in therapy considering what has been revealed here.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It sounds to me like he's trying to roll over his father like he's seen his mother do in the past, by bullying and demeaning him.

It's sad, really.

Now I'm afraid that the grandson might have interpreted Cantabile's staying out of the situation between his parents as weakness, and he may try the same tricks on him.

Best of luck, Cantabile. As someone who has worked with children with major trust issues, I've learned that it is imperative that the child know first and foremost that you are the adult and you are in control. I don't know how that's going to go over with the mother, but you have to establish that with your grandson, Cantabile. It will help him take what you say more seriously, especially if he's used to the other people in his life being steamrolled by his mother.

Its really this.

To be honest, while shutting internet access down is going to curb these behaviors, it will not address the issue. New behaviors will come about, these behaviors will most likely be as maladaptive as the first. I have ideas on what is going on, but mentioning them does little help and is armchair diagnosing at best.

Mya's idea of a school counselor is a good one, I was hesitant to suggest it though, because the school can do little without the guardian's permission. Also, it depends on the state you are in, and some states have crappy access to mental health resources. (Mya is in MA, if I remember right, and I am in MN, we do not have these issues, making school a good resource.)

As to rebuilding trust. You have to admit and acknowledge that you broke someone's trust, before you can rebuild it. A lot of trust building comes from respecting anothers feelings and sense of self. If this lad was on my case load and this issue came to me (besides reporting to CPS), I would encourage the parents to discuss this issue in front of a therapist, so there is a 3rd party to mediate it. Right now, it seems that the relationship between parents and your grandson is very maladaptive.

Lastly, for kids, attending therapy or receiving mental health services can be stigmatizing. With that said, having poor boundary recognition, inability for emotional regulation, and poor social skills will probably lead to becoming more of a social outcast in the long run.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

as a kid, my dad kept the only computer with internet access in his bedroom. That way it was only used when he was awake, nobody could sneak on at night. Your grandson needs strict rules, I didn't like having them myself as a kid, and I was mad, but I was trouble and I see now it was necessary. Things work better if your kids trust you, but they certainly don't have to. Pissing off your kids is just what happens when they don't get their way.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

as a kid, my dad kept the only computer with internet access in his bedroom. That way it was only used when he was awake, nobody could sneak on at night. Your grandson needs strict rules, I didn't like having them myself as a kid, and I was mad, but I was trouble and I see now it was necessary. Things work better if your kids trust you, but they certainly don't have to. Pissing off your kids is just what happens when they don't get their way.

Seriously. We had 2 computers for the family that were in a shared office area. It was very much the opposite of privacy in that small, busy room, and I never had my own computer until I was 18. Somehow I still managed to do research on the internet and type up papers for school, even with dialup internet. I am probably of the first generation to spend a great deal of their adolescence on the internet, but my parents were constantly asking me what I was up to, and even tolerated some of the stranger/geekier things I did. (I took my mom to a meetup of people from a feminist message board I was on when I was 15. She enjoyed it and I think it helped reassure her that I was not up to no good with the people I was talking to.) If the kid still ends up spending time on the net, it would probably be productive to install parental controls with secure passwords and maybe find, er, a very general and cool place for him to hang out. Not sure if such a thing exists anymore. :P

ETA: This would all be after the whole family sees a counselor, just to be clear.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was in councilling for several years, and none of my peers ever found out about it. How would they, if you don't go out of your way to mention it to them? (And I'll try and keep my own biases out of this and admit that, here, councilling seems like by far the best option.)

I think that, as others have said, the time for deception and reasoning has long past. Locking the father out of the computer is several steps too far, and can't be allowed to happen unless the dad wants to forever lose all authority. Something along the lines of: "If I don't have access again in ten minutes, you're losing access to a computer until you can buy one with your own money," might be in order.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

as this saga goes onto its second thread i am more and more hoping that this is in fact a load of bullshit and that there is not this family of immense and possibly irreparable dysfunction of monumental degree.

please let this be bullocks and these people not truly be real. i want my faith in humanity to be restored in even a small way.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

As far as school counselors go, I cannot imagine that telling a school employee that one of their students has rape fantasies about his mother and plans to bug locker rooms could possibly work out well.

Psychologists could be very helpful to him, though, at least in teaching him how to lie and evade more effectively.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

...What is 100%? I can't imagine this situation being worse, minus him actually enacting these fantasies. And that day will never come, I pray, and will do my best to ensure.

Ways it could be worse:

1. He could be a furry.

2. He could be masturbating in public, in school.

And so on.

Also, yeah, I never had a computer in my room, away from prying eyes until this year. Last year, I was in a dorm, obviously, so it wasn't very private. And before that, my PC was the family PC, and it was kept out in the open, though only I used it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hmmm... was any of it furry erotica? You mentioned that the erotica took place at a zoo, no?

On a more serious note I just read the end of the first thread and I'm glad to see that you're going to take action. It seems like the best course now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My grandson wouldn't give his father the password, so his father took the kid's laptop away. When I arrived my grandson had barricaded himself inside his room, with his bed pushed against the door, in a tantrum. When he found out I was there he came out, embarrassed by his own behavior. While I was there I managed to get the family to agree to at least give counseling a shot, and also moved the computer to the living room, where he has agreed to use it at least until after his conduct improves. I also got parental permission to take him to Tahoe with me for winter break :)

I feel like I've accomplished a lot in one short evening. My only worry is that it was just an act around me, since he would feel ashamed throwing tantrums like that in front of anyone but his parents. But I've made at least a little progress. Step by step.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

One wonders what your role in his fantasies will be from here on out.

and now i'm cleaning porridge of my monitor.

in response to terrorist fist jab up post, i accept that therapy may be normal or tolerated america. where i was raised any benefit gained from the therepy would have been cancelled out by the ridiculous levels of bullying which would have resulted should it have been discovered. 12 year old boys are fucking cruel.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeh unfortunately BFC is right. Among the teenage population in the UK it certainly seems like therapy is very much a taboo, hence why I tell as many people as possible I see a therapist (though I'm 23 and in med school it has still both shocked people and occasionally changed there opinions of me in a negative way) just to do my bit to destimatise it.

Mental health care in the UK is fucked up royally and needs a complete overhall really

Thats all I wanted to say...

Glad you've managed to make some useful changes Cantabile, hope all goes well etc

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The former is the reason you don't have to worry, man. GRRM isn't a proponent of incest, but he writes it. This is the product of a kid with some major family issues and some burgeoning sexual tendencies. Writing is a good outlet for those sorts of things. Man, I've definitely penned some intense stuff in my time, but I wouldn't enact any of it.

That's the important thing here: for the kid to learn his boundaries and limits.

Yeah but GRRM is writing a fictional story using fictional characters. Completely different dude.

Get the kid to a therapist and best of luck Cantabile.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...